For the first time in a few days he felt pain. His face stung as he tried to process the world around him. It was the school courtyard, a place he'd grown accustomed to over the last six months. Where he'd sit at a wooden table laughing and talking with Katie, Nick and Adam. Hoping that maybe the feeling of wrongness and anguish would actually fade for good.

"You asshole!" Nick yelled. 

It was cathartic to have someone finally snap at him. He deserved it. He'd always deserved it. Considering how he'd been acting the last few weeks and how he'd lied to Nick last time they'd talked, he probably deserved worse.

He looked up at the sobbing mess that was his ex. It looked like a slap was the least of what Jamie deserved at this point. 

"You lied to me."

"I did."

"Why."

"I told you to forget about me." Adam got between them. While Katie looked at Jamie disappointedly. His lip quivered. He needed to keep himself from looking pathetic. If he cried they might forgive him.

"That isn't your decision to make." Katie said. 

"Why not? Why shouldn't it be my decision?" Jamie sounded like a spoiled brat. 

"That's not how caring about people works. You can't control it." Katie said. She sat down next to him and put her arm around him. He hadn't moved since coming to and he wasn't about to start now. "Adam, can you take Nick to the tree?"

Nick looked away from Jamie and started walking away. It shouldn't hurt to see Nick turn away from him but it did. Adam followed after him.

"Let go of me." Jamie said quietly. It felt wrong letting someone touch him. Even more so than usual. 

"I can't risk you running." 

"I'm not going to run. I'm not sure I even could right now." 

He flexed his fingers. He hadn't thought about how being out of his body for a bit might affect if he could control it. Everything felt so disconnected. His legs didn't even register as his. His body had once again become alien. His chest, his voice and even his hair felt so different to what he wanted. He wanted to be back on that little island away from everyone. Free to just keep thinking and not existing the rest of the time.

"I'm still not going to risk it. You understand that right."

"You suck, Katie." 

The arm around him was a warm reminder of why he wanted to disappear. These small moments of comfort were so fleeting.

"I know." She sounded sad. Or worried. It didn't matter. 

"I can't keep living like this." He said. "I can't keep watching myself be erased."

"I'm sorry."

"Mum took down all the pictures of me as a guy. Did I tell you that?" 

"I think you did. I offered you a place to stay and you said no."

"Because it wouldn't change anything. If anything it would make things worse."

"James, I don't think things can get worse than they are now."

"They can. I could be a burden on the rest of you." He had hoped to avoid them worrying, but they hadn't. Living with them would only make things worse. 

"It'd be worse if you were gone."

"Then why can't Melody just try and fix me."

"You need to–"

"No, like make me a girl. Make it so being in this body and being seen as a woman doesn't make me want to shrivel up and die." If he was going to be erased from everyone's mind then he'd prefer it to be fast. No more agonizing over slipping away or his mum pretending he had always been a girl. Maybe it would be pleasant, Melody and Katie seemed to be okay with being women. Maybe he'd be able to be excited over watching his old self die.

"She told you why she can't do that right."

"Obviously. I don't care anymore. Losing part of my identity is better than dealing with this nightmare." It wasn't something he'd taken lightly. He knew how badly gender can fuck someone up more than anyone. 

"She wouldn't even know where to start."

"I don't want to keep going like this."

"I know." She was squeezing him a bit. "You won't have to."

"You can't prove that."

"Melody told your Mum you'd be staying with Adam for a few days." When did they plan that? What was that meant to change?

"WHAT?" 

"She played up the break up stuff to your Mum. She had to imply he was a rebound but she seemed excited you were spending the night with a boy."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" There was something perverse about the way his Mum accepted anything as long as it pushed him closer toward 'normal'. Adam was his bro. He'd acted as a big brother figure whenever he was struggling with his new body. Jamie recognised that he was attractive, but Adam wasn't his type

"Unfortunately I'm not. I can't believe you didn't tell your mum about him."

"I did, I just wasn't going to out him if I didn't have to."

"Well it worked out in your favour."

"It doesn't change that I'll have to go back. God, she thinks I want to get with your boyfriend!"

How was Katie okay with this? Knowing his mum, she'd probably said something horrible about her as well. 

"It's a mean time solution. Melody has spent the last two days booking appointments for you. The school counselor has been worried about you since you came to school as Jamie."

"What did Melody tell him?"

"The truth."

"What did she actually say?"

"She told him that you've been living as a girl because you've been forced to. Not because you want to. That you hate being at home. That you still are a guy. He was pretty accepting of it apparently." 

It was reassuring to know that some adults hadn't completely ignored the ramification of his body changing. Then again he didn't reach out. Maybe he figured Jamie would check in if he needed help. Jamie struggled to trust any adult at this point. All of them had taken his doctor and his mum's word as gospel. Maybe if something like this happens again to someone else they won't end up as a husk. It was too late for Jamie, though. 

"How is that meant to fix this?"

"He might be able to help if things don't go well with your Mum." 

"I'm not telling her." 

There was no way his mum would be able to understand, or want to. As soon as he'd grown a uterus, she'd seen it as a given that he was a woman. He was going to give her grandkids. He would want them. He was obviously going to just forget about being a man and enjoy womanhood, because he has a girl body.

"Then we can try to make it quick. Get you on T and working out and by the time you get back to her it'll be like you never changed."

"She prefers having a daughter, Katie. It would kill her."

"Then let her die."

"What the fuck?" It wasn't something he'd expect Katie to say. She'd been blunt and angry before but never wished death upon someone.

"If she can't handle you being happy she doesn't deserve to be in your life."

"That's easy for you to say." He felt bad being jealous of her. Her family had taken him in even when he didn't deserve it, but it didn't change how he felt. She had unconditional love. He didn't.

"I know. It is. But it's true." she rubbed his shoulder. He still didn't feel like he deserved her forgiveness. He fucked her over again and yet here she was trying to help him again. 

"Even if it wouldn't, who's to say I want to go back to my old body."

Some parts of him hated his mum and everything she'd done to him. Another part knew she was right when she said he didn't want to go back to being a man. At least not the kind of man he'd been before this or the kind of man that his mum would approve of. He'd never be a real man again. He'd been tainted. Even the form he'd taken in his mind was different to who he'd been. He'd barely fought it. He let himself be erased. 

"Well obviously you would right? You're a guy."

"And I like wearing dresses, and kissing boys."

"So?"

"So maybe it isn't so cut and dry, Katie. Even if I got my old body back it wouldn't be enough for her. Going back to how things used to be isn't an option."

"Staying like this isn't either."

"I won't try kill myself again," he said. He didn't have the energy to try again. He'd failed and Melody would make sure it wouldn't happen again. Hopefully reassuring them would get them off his back so he could keep fading. 

"That's the bare minimum, Jay."

"It's the best we're gonna get." 

"You are so annoying to deal with sometimes." She took her arm back and started pacing back and forth in front of him. Maybe he could run, but what would be the use? Melody could puppet him back into another intervention.

Katie was so different to how she'd been six months ago. She'd stopped slouching, and walked confidently. Her body had been changing with the help of Melody and HRT. Maybe it was silly but he was proud of her. She didn't need someone like him bringing her down. The look of frustration as she paced made that clear. She could be having a normal day with her boyfriend and Nick if it wasn't for Jamie. She finally turned to him.

"I need you to know I say this with love."

"You have a boyfriend," he quipped. 

"Haha. You know what I mean."

"I really don't."

"It means I am about to be honest and it might come across as mean."

"You could scream at me for all I care."

"Good." She took a deep breath. "You have to be the bravest coward I have ever heard of. You survived having your life flipped upside down. Your body was changed drastically without your consent in a way that most other trans people have years to get used to, and process, and somehow you managed to grow from all of it! Yet you still are saying the same shit to justify why you can't just take what you want."

"But I'm–"

"Questions at the end please."

"Fine," he huffed.

"Remember when you thought your mind was getting changed because you liked Nick."

"Yeah, I don't see what that–"

"And now you're thinking you are different because you like wearing dresses." 

"But I am."

"And so what. Even if you do want something different you can work with Melody. Unlike a certain someone she wants what's best for you and will listen!"

"But Mum?"

"Spend a few nights at Adams, and talk to the counselor. You can still do whatever you want after that."

"I'm so fucking tired, Katie." They weren't going to leave him alone. He'd already tried everything to push them away and it didn't work. He was going to have to nut up and deal with it. It wasn't going to work, and by the end of it they'd realise it was pointless but he had to play along.

"I know. That's why we're here to make it easier."

"Would you be able to come with me to talk to him?" He felt silly asking for help, but if he's gonna be a burden there's no point half assing it.

"That's easily done, Jay."

"Can we treat me like a guy for a bit?" He'd try things their way. Maybe it would help.

"Again, easily done."

-----

It was hard for Melody to be content with this. There had to be more she could do, but she was dead. Maybe if she could remember them she could try and put James with her family, but she probably couldn't tell them apart from a stranger now. 

It wasn't worth dwelling on. She didn't want to become more of a vengeful ghost. What she'd done to James was worse than anything she'd thought herself capable of.

She sat under her tree. Nick and Adam couldn't see her and she didn't want to risk directly interacting with guys again. Instead she just hoped the freedom from the noise of the outside world would help comfort Nick. The poor guy had been through a lot. 

She wanted to leave Katie and James to talk. Through this whole disaster Katie seemed to be the best at getting through to him. It wasn't fair on her. None of this was fair to any of them. She couldn't remember if this was remotely comparable to the teen drama she went through. She had a feeling things were not as difficult back then, but considering she was dead it might just be her forgetting again. 

The bell rang and she moved to Katie and James. She hugged him. It's sweet. She didn't want to interrupt but she needed to talk to James and make sure he was going to get help. Maybe after all this she could rest in peace.

"Hey, James." She thought as she once again possessed him.

"Can you take over for this class, I'm exhausted." He responded. It was a better outcome than she was expecting.