(Chpt. 46) Realization
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I am just going to pretend that I did not take an entire month to write the chapter... in a more serious note, sorry it took so long. I was busy hating myself and doubting myself. But at last, it is here. I’ve also been getting more into art recently, so there is a slight chance for illustrations in the novel. Also unedited.

«Leah»  

 

Let it happen... 

 

I allowed it to happen... but the real question is... Where am I? Darkness⁠— not quite. Humid— also not quite... Dark... It was dark. 

 

Funny those were all the words I had to describe it. Stone ⁠— dark stone, normal stone, bioluminescent stone? A squared shaped room, a room that had a side that almost seemed to stretch forever. Only allowing you to stare into the harrowing darkness. Almost as if it were evil, and yet gentle. 

 

Cobblestone wall and floors that were mossy and kind of humid, slowly fading into dark polished rock that had no crevices or cracks. Only blue lines running across it with light coming from the lines that also were swallowed by the darkness of the passage. 

 

Where was I? The green light gave it an ominous feel. And yet I don’t feel at risk. Everything was gone⁠— or rather, it was all alien. No icons, I no longer felt better physically… just… normal. 

 

The patterns on the stone were akin to active circuitry— continuously pulsing signals. 

 

How did I end up in this place… I wonder… 

 

◇ ◇ ◇ 

 

Then I had to get them in my favor.

 

Even if it meant becoming a monster.

There is no other choice is there?

 

There is no other choice… other than to finally embrace nature and to simply... let it happen. 

 

◇ ◇ ◇ 

 

Right… That had happened. I had… I had problems with the collector and allowed it to happen. That’s what happened… Right… 

 

“I don’t get it…” I sighed. I was a dungeon core, I had a core mode… but I don’t remember this happening before. Last time it was like… I was still myself, I could see it happening — it felt natural while it was happening. Now it feels… antinatural? Not quite… More like I am not there. 

 

“I am confused…” The squared room was empty, only cobblestone, and the black luminescent rocks… Where was I? 

 

A room of darkness and mystery ⁠— a square that only has stone, and darkness. A complete different space. A prison of void⁠— that’s where I was. A wall and an ominous void. And yet… 

 

“No matter how I look or observe around, it still seems to lure me in, huh?” The swallowing void, the ominous feeling, the… harmonious feeling. It was telling me to go forward, to move forward, to… reach forward. 

 

Gulp… I kind of wanted to stay still, but also wanted to move forward. Not for me, but… I have pending things. I had to survive, I had to make it out... I had to save Rin. I had to fulfill this promise, we had to get out of this town and… 

 

I stood silent for a moment before I slowly opened my lips.

 

“... And go… where?” I never really thought carefully about it. “That’s a problem for later I suppose, sigh.” So many things to worry about and so little time. Why was I even worrying about such things at the moment? I had no way to explain it. 

 

Perhaps it was the feeling of seeing a gap in my plan, perhaps it was something else. Perhaps it was just… the hopelessness of the situation. Living in a world, without her… I never made anything meaningful out of my life. I never really did anything, I could’ve maybe tried publishing a book, or something. It’s not like I couldn’t move my hands. 

 

Hiding behind disease? That wasn’t it, I was just miserable and that was it. Sigh, why am I even thinking about these things? It’s something that has already happened, something that has been buried in the past… Something that I can no longer fix, something I cannot do anything about, something that I am… powerless about. 

 

And go where? Where would we go? Now that I think of it. Neither of us know where we will be going. But we still want to get out alive. 

 

I clenched my fist. It didn’t matter what I thought of things, it didn’t matter if I questioned it. The answer was still the same. 

 

“We will live.” 

 

I had to move forward. Had to go wherever this path was going to lead me to, to go past the encroaching darkness and beyond. Losing my will wasn’t an option. Because in the end, the world doesn’t care if I die. But I do. Which is why, I will go past all of this. 

 

I breathed in and out having made my decision. To go past the shroud of darkness and get out of here. One step at a time. 

 

One… Two… Three… Slowly but surely I was walking through the void. Something about it made me feel uneasy, Almost as if I had something whispering into my ears. This place was unnatural… Well it was more than obvious. 

 

Even though I was walking it didn’t feel like I was going anywhere. Where was I? Something wasn’t right. One second I let loose the other I am here… It just… didn’t make sense. I had to find out what happen⁠— 

 

[Degraded effect ⁠— You go unpunished for the death of Adin ‘The Collector’ Eckhart. Arlesh overlooks it.]

 

Eh?! Wait when did I? Wait… But I am here… How did I kill someone… The Collector? How… He was…  he was going to kill me… But I am here. How did I end up here? Or rather, if I killed him. Then that means… 

 

I am still there. 

 

This might be quite the assumption, but perhaps I will understand what is happening if I keep moving forward. Is it a trial? I had no way of knowing. The only hint I had was. The ominous darkness that I feel scared of… 

 

With yet another gulp I moved forward ⁠— this time, without second thoughts. Whatever was after this, was going to answer all my doubts. At least I thought so. 

 

Doubt wasn’t going to get me anywhere! 

 

* * * 

 

How long did I need to keep walking? I lost track of time… All I got was… a bunch of notifications. A myriad of names, and something about joining an organization? How many people was I killing? What was I doing? I had no idea… 

 

“A core like me is supposed to have a purpose yet I have none…” 

 

Eh?! I started to hear faint whispers in the air. 

 

What did I do wrong?” 

“Why was this happening?!” 

“WHY?!” 

… 

“I was dead from the start…” 

“I was dead on arrival. I don’t want to die!” 

“Want to see true insanity?” 

… 

“Perhaps I can forgive myself.” 

“Maybe, I’ll be forgiven… someday…” 

“I tasted humanity…” 

“I never had a chance to begin with⁠.” 

 

Just who is⁠— 

 

Ding!

[Darkness affinity ⁠— The sun has risen, the monsters may rest. ⁠— -200% to all stats.] 

 

As if it marked the end of something; the whispers stopped as soon as they came. That voice sounded like mine, yet so pained and regretful… Why was that? I did not understand what was happening. 

 

Almost as if the darkness was eternal, it suddenly cleared. Only to reveal a square room, with the pulsating black rock… The mossy rock… The same empty side of the room. Almost as if I had never moved. 

 

But that wasn’t all… The little room, was still dark on the other side. I could still tell it was a square from the visible top corners, but the edge was a total mystery to me… And at the center of the room…

 

“A black diamond?” I was confused. Particles flying out of it constantly ⁠— almost as if it was eroding away ⁠— it was full of cracks. And yet… It had an internal green light. Pulsating with the same blue energy.

 

Unconsciously I approached it, it was so pretty. And then I noticed… The entire surface of the diamond was full of gears. Tiny little mechanisms that rhythmically spun, and yet some seemed broken, loose, or even jammed. And in spite of everything, I felt compelled to touch it. It was warm and cold at the same time. Soft and sharp… 

 

“Hey Leah, do you like me?” Eh?! 

 

I turned to the darkness. The one that spoke to me. Just like before it cleared up. 

 

“Not answering?” Eh?! “Did the cat bite your tongue?” 

 

A white haired girl was speaking to me. She was slightly shorter than me and had long hair, the same ears as me coming from her mouth, and her skin… It was full of cracks, and slight black blood oozing out. Seemingly noticing this, she opened her mouth once again. 

 

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll be gone in a few days… I guess it’s better for the both of us.” What was she talking about. That tone of familiarity... “You get to be the hero and save Rin... And I? I fade forever into darkness. I’ve committed too many atrocities already⁠— even though it’s what I was meant to do. I still can’t forgive myself. Kind of funny considering I am not even meant to feel anything.” 

 

Forgive? “Were you the person whispering to me?” Also, not meant to feel? What was she talking about?

 

She tilted her head. “Whispering? Hmm… Maybe I felt so regretful that you got to hear everything...?” Her face turned sour. “Then I guess it’s time to say bye now, isn’t... it? It was fun watching...” She was biting her lip. “I guess this is it… Goodby⁠— 

 

“No, that’s not it!” I interrupted. There was so much going on, I did not understand. Just who was she? Why did she know my name? Why did she talk with such regretfulness almost as if I was deciding her fate? So many questions so little answers… 

 

“Does that mean you are accepting me?” Eh… 

 

“Accepting what? Do you even need me for you to live?” What was she on about. So much I did not understand… Was she even talking about death to begin with… 

 

She turned pensive for a second. “So that’s it…” 

 

“What is it?” 

“Leah, you’re slow…”

“I am not...”

 

She smiled for a second. “I am you, and you are me. Or rather, I guess I am me, and you are me.” Eh? How does that even work? “I am the broken descendant core. And you? You are Leah. I guess that explains why I must die now, doesn’t it?” 

 

Wait… The core? The same core that saved my life?! The core that has kept me alive until now?! Now thinking about it… And looking at her body… She has taken all of the beatings and I’ve done absolutely nothing… I don’t know what happened out there with the collector… but if this conversation is happening then that means… it means that... I am still alive…

 

“Leah?” She tilted her head with an apologetic look. “I know I’ve done unforgivable things, which is why⁠— 

“Thank you for saving me!”  

“Eh? You might be mistaken. I killed a lot of people…” Her upset voice told everything. 

 

“I know.” 

“I joined an organization without your consent…” 

 

“I know.” I was still alive. 

“I… I killed the collector. I fooled him and lead him to believe I was harmless only to kill him!” 

 

But that was the only option to live, wasn’t it?” I was the one that wanted to live. 

“Yes… But…  to fool someone like that, to fool myself like that. Only to kill another broken person, or thing… It’s … unforgivable.” 

 

I don’t know what exactly happened. Was it that bad? Is what I wanted to ask, but instead I just… 

 

“In the end… it was that or both dying… I am the one that asked for your help after all…”

“Well yes, but⁠— 

 

“So you don’t need to die. Besides… if what you said is true, about this… diamond being you then… I assume you were in perfect condition when it started and now…” I looked at her crumbling body with regret, I had realized what everything meant. “It seems everything that has happened to me, has happened to you as well. Making you suffer the same things…” 

 

“Yes it did… but I still did something unforgivable…” 

 

“If you say that is unforgivable… then I don’t know how I feel about controlling another being’s body and basically killing them…” I was the one doing unforgivable things. “I am sorry… core…” 

 

“But what are you sorry about?” If I wasn’t here, then she wouldn’t have had to suffer. The ritual would’ve been fine as well. Everything would’ve been different for her. Wasn’t I just playing with her fate at this point? What a hypocrite. 

 

“I am sorry for everything… I am sure if I wasn’t here. Everything would’ve gone a lot different for you, you wouldn’t have had to kill without wanting to. You wouldn’t have had to suffer… In the end, it’s all my fault.” And so… “You can kill me now and be free… Just please… allow Rin to live…” That was my only desire… 

 

She was frozen for a few seconds with her mouth agape. 

 

“So… am I forgiven?” She said with an almost inaudible tone. 

 

I shook my head. “I don’t think I have the rights to even judge if you are forgiven or not. I after all…  basically ruined your life and stripped away your freedom…” 

 

She flinched by my words a bit. 

 

“That is true… but… I still did all of that! And now you want me to kill you instead?” 

“I don’t want to die. But at this point I think I deserve to die… Weren’t you supposed to be a complete dungeon? And yet I left you like that. I made you like that…” 

 

She bit her lip. 

 

“Yes, I was meant to be a great dungeon... But would that dungeon be me anymore? There are two parts to a core, I am just one… Also it is thanks to you that I tasted humanity…” 

“I guess… But I still took the fate of another being in my own hands and played with it until they got badly hurt…” 

 

She swallowed. As she looked at the ground. No sounds coming from her, just the faint clicks of gears turning.

 

“I guess, I won’t be dying here… and you won’t be dying here either…” ? What did she mean? “You want Rin to live don’t you?” 

 

“Yeah…” 

“You want me to live?” 

Why is she suddenly asking all of this.

 

“Yes…” I answered. What was she talking about? 

“Then I want you to live as well.” 

“But I…” had done something unforgivable. 

“You live.” 

 

… “Yes…” Her sheer willpower made me stay shut. 

 

“You know… I am happy that it ended like this. Not this outcome, just my life. Sure I didn’t have much freedom. But I got to watch you, which was fun. No longer feeling the need to conquer the world is almost liberating. Feeling other things aside from bloodlust is oddly nice. Not being an emotionless computer is nice.” Did she just? “Ah sorry, just recalled that word from you…” Eh… “But yea… it’s nice. Having my own choices, and simply being able to feel… i am grateful Leah…” 

 

If I gave her so much… I feel like she gave me more. 

 

“Then… thank you as well… For giving me a second chance to live. For allowing me to meet Rin. For giving me a chance to save her… for taking so much abuse and not hating me… For everything…” 

 

“I guess we are even then…” She suddenly said. “You can go now.” 

 

Eh?! “But what about you?”  

“I’ll be fine. I won’t die. I will just watch from the shadows as always.” She seemed happy saying that. But why did that sentence upset me so much? 

 

Why was it? Watching from the shadows as always… Wasn’t it the same as before? The same suffering and abuse for her? I wasn’t okay with this...

 

“I cannot allow that…” 

“Eh… it’s fine.” 

“Core… I… need your help, I need your strength!” 

 

She tilted her head. “You can always receive it, just like you have had it before.” 

“No that’s not it…” How to put it. “I want you… not your skills. I want you, to be with me.” 

 

“Leah you might be misunderstanding something… I might have emotions, but I am a dungeon core… a broken one, but still a machine designed to wipe humanity and meant to cause eternal suffering…” 

“So?” Did that really matter? If I was her… Then we were the same. 

 

“I am a monster, and dangerous. Just… a slip and it can go bad…” 

“So? I am a monster too. I am you, and you are you. Then it’s the same isn’t it?” 

 

She remained silent for a moment. “Yes you are correct, but I still can⁠— 

“I need you, please…” 

 

Seemingly annoyed she clicked her tongue. “Need? Why?” 

“I just do.” 

 

I just do. That’s some god-awful reasoning right there.” 

“Do I need a reason to want to hear you, and simply know you are there with me? Do I need a reason to want you to experience things first hand with me?” 

 

Her face softened. “I can remember why I had so much fun now… Fine! I’ll be there. Now you go.” She approached me and placed her hand on my stomach.

“Is it a promise?” She smiled. 

“You got me again...” she admitted in defeat before breaking into a smile. “Yes, it’s a promise this time. Now go. You still need to save Rin, it’s today after all...” She pushed me away from her with inhuman strength. My body got flown backwards. I fell on the dungeon floor. 

 

“Wait!” I reached my hand. I wanted to say some more to her! But… What happened? As if I blinked, I was no longer there. It was the morning and I was in… The collector’s office? Light was coming from the artificial roof openings… I was back to reality. The core nowhere to be seen or heard… 

 

◇ ◇ ◇ 

«Core (?)»  

 

“Ha… that was hard…” I panted on the ground. “Seriously stubborn, huh? You just needed to tell me to die and I would’ve…” My body was seriously a mess, even more so than the actual physical one. My insides are a mess. 

 

The walls were crumbling, my image was crumbling. My internals were crumbling and malfunctioning… And yet…

 

She needs me… Someone as useless and broken as me. She wants me to stay alive. Me… out of all things… 

 

Someone wants me… 

 

Why do I feel so overwhelmingly happy? I guess I’ll never know. But rest assured Leah. A promise is a promise. I’ll be there. Because you need me. And because of that. I need to rest… Urgently so... Before this body of mine completely stops working...

 

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