Well, what can I say? I wanted to keep myself out of that chapter, the very same chapter I worked so hard for.

I wanted the chapter to be perfect, no snarky author comments no discord links, nothing like that. Simply the chapter. 

I wanted to make something special, namely, it was supposed to be live on February 14th, and well... Look where we are now. It's February 17. It was probably one of my hardest chapters to write, it was painful to write, it was... insurmountable. I wanted it to be special, although I have no idea if I achieved it. I tried, but I don't know if it was enough.

Sometimes I can be quite the drama-queen, all things considered. All of you suggested a break, and well... I did take one, albeit it wasn't that much of a break considering I still wrote other things during those days, some Leah, some Master Craftsman. It's simple things that take time and if I take breaks well, it won't go anywhere sadly. But I am a lot more relaxed now, so I wanted to thank you, everyone.

I wanted to win the competition, but if I don't win it doesn't matter.

• I want a deserving novel to win. I am not mad, but I don't feel like an interactive smut novel should be it. Don't get me wrong, the author is incredibly good at writing, probably even more so than me. But for something as an anniversary competition it doesn't feel right.

I like the author, he is a nice person, but those are simply my thoughts. Although I don't want absolutely ANYONE, to tell the author what not to do or what to do, nor insult their novel. Everyone in the competition is working hard (I'd like to think so anyway). And the last thing I want to do is start a drama due to my own personal opinions. Opinions shouldn't be used as weapons, and yet... they are... So let us not use it as a weapon. 

When I started writing I honestly had no idea what I was doing, it was laughable really. I mean, it simply went like. "Omg, this site is all self-posted novels?!" I was mesmerized (then again, the novels I had read so far were nothing short of the best novels on the site at this point in time). I was astonished by such quality... 

I wanted to make something similar, something for people to enjoy, something I enjoyed. And well, my first novel was created. Nothing but an insane amount of cliches piled up together with slice of life. It was fun! At first, I was sad when my novel got first into trending, seeing it got a lot of bad ratings made me realize. I was bad at writing. it wasn't for me...

Like everything I chased in life, I gave up on it because I thought I wasn't good enough. It kind of felt like it was something bound to happen, when I did try I tried my hardest, and yet I was never good enough... After some point the enjoyment became a duty to be good enough, and yet it never seemed to happen no matter how much blood-sweat-and-tears I poured into it. 

Something told me writing was going to be the same, so I made an announcement... apologizing... I was making people's eyes bleed for fuck's sake! It was a mistake I had made, I had to apologize for it, and yet... I got nothing but support. People told me to not mind it, that they loved it. 

It was something that made me happy, especially with someone like me, someone that has such thin skin. I always believed that I was bad at anything and everything, that I would never be good at anything. I wasn't good enough. I quit a possible art career, I quit a lot of things looking back. Simply because I thought I wasn't good enough, I wanted to be like some people in my family.

We can aim for the stars, but we shouldn't compare ourselves to the stars. 

Unfortunately, I did. And noticed just how pathetic I was. That coupled with constant conflict it simply made me think I was miserable and yet...

Here I am... I DID SOMETHING I AM PROUD OF! I...

I simply wanted to be good and yet... I got so much more, I don't think my writing is good by any stretch of the imagination, but I keep working hard towards it. I want to improve, I want to be better. I was recently told my writing read like a Japanese Light novel translation. Some people might be mad at it, but I?

I cried. 

One of my goals was for it to read in such a way, while perhaps it doesn't completely read like that. I do think it comes off as quite clean actually... And that... makes me happy. 

Look at me, where I am now... I need psychiatric help, but I am happy. I have a goal in life other than simply living. No secrets to be hidden, but frankly, the reason I am still here was that I couldn't do it. I didn't have the guts to do so... It wouldn't be too far fetched to say writing saved my life. But not all things were like that at the beginning. 

I was afraid, for writing to become like art for me. Thinking I wasn't good enough and simply giving up on it, not touching for the rest of time. But I had enough, a few months ago... I had enough. 

Was I going to keep being so miserable? Was I simply going to fill myself with self-doubt or do something about it? Do something about the self-doubt that creeps in my shadow. Yes... there is self-doubt, and being aware of how good or bad something is can make it worse. A lot of people stop because of that, but was this going to be the case, yet again? I was going to stop it, I was going to better myself... I was going to... be successful...

We all walk towards our goals at our own pace, somewhere along the lines of all of this happening I decided. I wanted to write for a living, it's a rough path, a rough choice, and while I cannot do it full time, for now, I hope I will be able to someday. 

I was insecure, I still am. I have issues mentally and physically, it's no secret. I cry almost daily, I write pretty much daily, it has become part of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to find the right help, but part of me doesn't want it, part of me tells me things are fine as is. Writing stories and having someone to talk with is enough. 

Thank you for reading this far.

1. “It's like a puppy, you buy it to sell it and you end up loving it. You are the puppy." — My brother to me. 
2. "Azrie... how do you do it? Every day you get worse and worse..." — My mom to me. 

ARE YOU BOTH PROUD OF ME NOW!? It doesn't matter anymore... I am happy. 

Special thanks to:

Rinne author of Taboo Journal For giving me inspiration with their writing, for helping me to get better when I needed it... for listening to my rants for endless hours... If it weren't for her... I don't think I would have the chance to write this. 

Ninetailed_Furball For reassuring me I didn't steal their title and telling me that my novel wasn't bad and it was actually quite an enjoyable read. Giving me the strength to keep posting.