(Chpt. 24) Self acceptance
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«Rin»

 

Gulp.  

                     Gulp. 

                                                  Gulp… 

 

“Aah, it looks like I overdid it a bit…” Maybe digging my nails into my arm wasn’t such a good idea… The potion won’t be healing it any time soon. Sigh… So much for protecting her, but it was the right thing... 

 

I sat in the backroom, it was the only commodity I had in this hell. The sofas were soft and fluffy, their fabric was nice to the touch. The marbled floor reminded me of a luxury house, kind of like a home for a nice wealthy family. Well, I wasn’t really looking forward to returning “home” if you could really call it that. 

 

Sigh... Was this the right thing? It wasn’t, it certainly wasn’t. Sigh… Why did I have to get so… mad, for lack of a better word. I don’t even know what to think of it. I mean… I dragged her into this without intending to, was it even the right thing. Just because we were "similar"? I don't know anymore... 

 

Leah… Where are you from? Is it the same planet, are you reincarnated? I don’t know, I don’t understand, there is so much I still don’t understand, and yet here I am… trying to survive by licking people’s boots. It was laughable. Especially given my circumstances. 

 

“Even though I am strong…” I muttered in hopelessness. No matter how strong one was, they can all just beat you up together and go against your will, if they want to see you as a slave, you will become a slave. Either die or become one, huh? 

 

I grabbed the infamous slave bracelet with pain. I wasn’t strong enough. I simply wasn’t strong was the right way to call it. Titles, titles, titles… Hah… So much for a taboo breaker. Even though one is bound by the collar, sometimes it can fail. The stupid moral slave collar, of course... Being a slave is a choice. Well, a choice between death or slavery...

 

Let us live.  She said, tell me, Leah… How will that happen? This world is rough… But maybe she knows something I don't... She wasn't a slave after all...

 

Although how silly of me… to remember a book, and then it turns out it really was that book… I got excited and then sad when Leah didn’t react… I mean, I don’t know what she had been through, it was kind of selfish of me… But I am glad… that she can have such determination when the time comes… 

 

I will be waiting… 

 

I sighed as I finally relaxed my body, I was finally realizing my stupidity. Attacking a customer simply because I had a weird feeling about it. Although I guess, that’s what happens when you rely too much on smelling things to tell if they are hostile or not. Just what race are you? 

Not hostile, yet hostile, familiar yet unfamiliar… What was that feeling? At least I know, you have good intentions. Leah, I believe in you, in this self-doubt, whether to trust you or not. At least I will believe in you for now.

 

I say such things, and yet what is this feeling? I feel like a schoolgirl all over again, getting excited thinking about someone… such a foreign and yet welcome thing. 

 

I touched my warm cheeks with a faint smile. Although perhaps not everything was so great. I sighed and broke open another potion. Chugging it without thinking twice about it. It was more than likely going to happen...

 

“I overdid it today, how dumb of me… Cough!” Aah… There it is… “At least it reminds me that I am still human…” I muttered as I saw my hand covered in blood. 

 

Deplorable condition, huh? Sometimes I wondered if it was fixable. I mean it was, but for a slave well... it isn't. My body had a bunch of problems, and yet for the first time in months, I felt genuinely happy about something, excited even. Knowing there is someone out there that cares about me even remotely was nice. 

 

Although not everything was so bad, this master wasn’t a complete shithead and only saw the good parts of me, what I could and couldn’t do. Well, he still treated me like a slave, and was still a poor excuse for a person, but at least he didn’t hit me for no particular reason. Isn’t that right, number 1? 

 

Ah, well… He is long gone, I made sure of that. 

 

I sighed as I looked at the roof. “Tell me, Leah, can I trust you?” I felt like it was an unneeded question, but self-doubt always plagued my mind. “Well, even if I can’t… I like you.” 

 

Aa… I was blushing, this time it wasn't because of heat. Shouldn’t have pulled it… 

 

Is there someone that is that dependable here? Leah kind of reminded me of my younger sister in a sense. Ah… if only she knew how much I missed her… Well, I hope she is doing well. 

 

Click.

The door opened as I relaxed on the couch. 

 

It was TH1, stupid names but I never got to know his actual name. He always used that alias for work-related things, I was work-related. He had a grin plastered on that thug face of his. 

 

“Did something good happen Master?” Aah, the curse of having to call someone Master, it’s not like I can avoid it either. The bracelet makes sure of it. What was his number? Was it 3 or 4? I lost count, although he always wanted to be number one… too bad. Number 1 gets a special place in hell. 

 

“Ah, yes Rie.” Aha… “You might be finding a new home soon.” Eh? My eyes momentarily widened, will I have to go through all of that again? Pleading for my life? Just because of a mistake, I got beaten by every single owner ⁠— to make sure I understood my place. 

 

“You see Rie, the Collector girl wanted to buy you! I could tell, she was angry!” Ehh… “So I hope you forgive me if she kills you.” Ah, I see… So Leah wants to go that route? 

 

Thank god this person was stupid and refused to accept someone could be mad at him, in this case, Leah probably got mad at him because he ran his mouth off as always. And thinks she is mad at me instead because I was a subject in the conversation. 

 

“Master, did you tell her about me?” My voice rang innocent with him even if I never intended it to do so… Sigh…

“Yes! I was telling her how much of a naughty child you were, and she got angry!” I wonder what he said this time? Well, I had no secrets to hide regarding this life of mine. “Anyway, yeah that’s all you needed to know. Stay here tonight.” 

 

“Um, Master?” 

“You see Rie, I have to go do things, and there is no one to guard here today, so I figured you should do it, you are plenty strong, no?” 

“... Yes, Master…” Was I strong? Doubtful. 

“You should be thankful that I let you stay in the office, you know? It’s my office after all.”

“Yes, Master…” Right...

 

“BE THANKFUL!” He roared at me, as usual.

“Thank you, Master!” Piece of shit… 

 

Ah, scary… I wasn’t strong. Not after that happened at least, I mean I guess I was slightly strong, but my current master was stronger, you don’t get a high position in this world without fighting for it. 

 

“Well, goodbye.” He closed the door. I was left alone, he was a bit friendlier than usual, but not by much. His signature shouting was there, so I could at least tell he didn’t have a screw loose… Well, he did, but he was still in his normal state. 

 

So much to think about, well. Like I told Leah, even the strong can fall… I wonder how she is doing? I heard Collectors get into a lot of trouble in terms of physical labor, although she did say that 'last I checked.' Which means, well… She can progress, so I hope I gave her a good enough metric. 

 

Although 150 base was a total lie… I hope you forgive me, Leah. 

 

I finally got off the couch, I wanted to think about Leah and stuff. I hadn’t had a real conversation in forever, it was nice. She was nice. 

 

It was nice to stay in his office, it was kind of like an apartment. Well, aside from having a bathroom, and a kitchen… and… Well, it was basically just a bunch of luxury rooms with a bedroom, sigh. Although I wasn’t in any spot to complain given my situation. 

 

As I made my way to the bedroom I regretted what happened today; I threw myself at her, ended in a little fight, got overly dramatic… Something to apologize for… what a chaotic day. 

 

After thinking about my regrets I made my way to the bedroom, I knew it was the bedroom but I had never been there. It was rarely used as well, so it’s not like I ever had the chance to see it. I normally slept downstairs, right outside the building, there was a small hut for everyone’s slaves. It was depressing, and we never talked to one another. 

 

Don’t get a fellow slave in trouble. Was an unspoken rule, and unfortunately, information sharing with others was forbidden, so talking to other slaves was forbidden as well. It was a lonely place even while having everyone near me…

 

The more I think about it the more depressing it feels… 

 

The door opened with a satisfying click, letting just enough light into the room to see well.

The ambient light from the door was nice, the floor had a fluffy carpet, it was made out of animal skin. I am sure some people would’ve been horrified, but it was simply how things were made… 

 

The bed was king-sized with animal covers, and the walls were made out of chiseled grey rock. A floor to ceiling mirror and a wall to wall window. It was oddly luxurious. But well, I was tired. I couldn’t really be bothered to appreciate things. 

 

I did notice the bed had a nightstand with one of those scanner nibs. I was intrigued, most of the time the nibs were either triggers for something or for the tablets. With a shrug I started to undress myself, I felt a lot more relaxed after the clothes slid off my skin. 

 

I ended up looking at the mirror unintentionally. 

 

I was kind of frozen. I knew what I looked like, but… 

 

The mirror did not distort the image in any way, I was looking at my own reflection in low light. 

 

“Do I really look like this?” It was kind of like a dream come true and at the same time, it wasn’t. I was well aware I was “prettier” than before, but I had no real idea due to me being only able to see my reflection on the water, and partially because of how the first bidding went… 

 

But… I was pretty… 

 

A faint smile surged on my face, puffy cheeks, small nose, deep amber eyes, almond hair… It was nice. I felt happy, Leah was cute as well… Ah, I sound kind of obsessive now. But still… to believe I really am a fantasy wolf girl…I looked cuter under the faint light as well… 

 

I started to wag my tail like a puppy, with a conscious effort for the first time in ages.  

 

“A, Ah... there it is…” I started to have a pain assaulting my lower back, it was normal. It was simply the feeling of something not belonging there… I closed in towards the mirror and with a bit of twisting and stretching, I managed to see the base of my tail. 

 

I was almost too afraid to look, it was hard to look as well under the lack of light inside the room, but I had to do it, and… The light from the door started creeping up on it until I finally saw it, fine lines upon fine lines of furless and misshapen skin… They were scars. 

 

“I wish I could say they tried to cut it off…” I laughed, it was funny. “To hate oneself so much, to blame your existence on something so… dumb…” I laughed some more. “If it weren’t for the beast-kin traits I would be normal after all… normal… Why did I have to exist like this? It wasn’t my choice…” I bit my lip as I felt rage surge inside me. “IT WASN’T MY CHOICE!” 

 

I pointed my fingers towards my tail and⁠— managed to stop myself. 

 

With unswallowable bitterness I shut the door, being unable to see myself surely would help. I looked out of the window and saw the quiet and chaotic town of Arlesh, my current home and the weirdest town I had ever been in. But it was peaceful. 

 

I hit the bed and rolled to my side, curving my back and bringing my knees close to my face, as well as my tail. It’s fluffiness and careful brushing made me feel at ease. I started to gently caress it with my shaky hands. I found it soothing. 

 

It’s not your fault at all…” I kept running my hand across it. “It isn’t… I am sorry…” 

Things were always like that in eternal darkness… So please… Leah… come for me quickly. You gave me hope for the first time in ages, don’t let me down… 

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