It’s been two days since Vander and I had our argument. I spent both of them grumpy. My extended family all had theories on the cause: I hadn’t had enough creature comforts on the expedition, having had to spend so much time with Cee, the fact that my warrior instructor and magic instructor were fucking. That last reason was partly true, if only because seeing other people connect like that hurts more when you’re fighting with your boyfriend.

I was tinkering with Alex when I couldn’t hold back anymore. “I can’t believe you’re hooking up with Jiju.”

Alex at first gave me a confused look, mouthing ‘hooking up?’ until he got it from context clues. “Why not? She’s beautiful, strong, dedicated to her duty—”

I shook my head petulantly, “I know all that! I mean, how?”

Alex coughed and looked away pointedly, “I think that’s really more of a question for your paren… for Jij… erm, Terese?”

“Ugh,” I threw my hands up dramatically, knocking a scrap of crudely-forged metal to the floor. With I sigh I picked it up, “Just… tell me how you got together.”

His hands were held up in surrender before I even realized I was holding the metal plate threateningly. I sat back in my stool with a huff.

Alex explained, “Well, teaching each other to communicate, we found that we actually have more in common than we thought. She doesn’t see me as a brood or as a woman, she sees me for the man that I am. I can’t give her any chicks of her own, but she can’t have them anyway, and she looks at Ghisé as if she laid that girl herself. Also, her accent is really cute, and her stony beauty, it’s like a sculptor spent a lifetime…” He cleared his throat. “Well, these things happen more as you get older.”

He wasn’t going further than that with a person half his age, even if we were friends. He never called my accent cute though, and I felt like an Earthun-ian accent should be more exotic considering how far we are from its origin. I couldn’t really dislike their relationship, though, even if it was casual—I cared about both of them. With a grin, I said, “You’ve come a long way on your opinion of Hesht. And to think you once called me a monster. I just wish you said something sooner.”

His expression relaxed when he saw me smile, “You’re not upset?”

I shook my head, “Not at all, but…” My expression dropped, “Before you get too cozy... You should know about the state of affairs in Redwall.”

He stopped what he was working on and turned to face me completely, “What’s going on at Redwall?”

I couldn’t continue to keep it from him, as much as I wanted to. I relayed to Alex all the information Benny provided regarding Redwall. The rampant crime, the lowered guard both inside and patrolling the territory, his father’s sorry reputation with the king, and the surging of The Association to fill the cracks.

As I relayed the information, Alex’s features grew more tense. “I will have to go back, Tali.”

“But even Rose said to avoid it!”

“And I’m glad she and Ray got somewhere safe, but Redwall is still my home, my responsibility.” His voice took on an edge, “My father might be terrible, but the people of Redwall shouldn’t have to suffer for it. I’m ready to face him again, and will take his position by force if I can’t convince him to relinquish my birthright.”

“Spoken like an heir,” I said, deflating.

“It’s not just that. The Association is looking for you… or a Hesht that meets your description. That can’t be a coincidence. I need to go back for your sake as much as theirs.”

“Even if they are looking, how much of a threat could a bunch of criminals actually pose?”

“I don’t know. They started as anti-monarchists and worker’s rights advocates. Citizens of the kingdom, tired of the war with our neighbors to the south, and exploitation of our lumber resources. When I tried to get into their organization, it was because we suspected backers from outside Redwall were bolstering and twisting their direction from their more decent roots. But, no matter their original intentions, the Association of today really is more of a criminal organization. Clearly, my father either can’t, or won’t, hold them in check anymore.”

“I see… How long until you leave?”

He thought about it for a moment. “Once you can complete the weapon without me. I won’t turn my back on the chief's condition for my stay, but I have to leave before winter.”

I nodded, “I already told Cee we’d pick up the pace… What are you going to tell Jiju?”

“Oh, we’ll figure it out. We both know what this is.”

I nodded thoughtfully, “Must be nice.”

He cocked a brow, “Is something going on between you and Vander? He’s been quiet…er since you came back.”

I sighed, “Well… I decided I want to support my sisters in building a new Hesht nation, and I was counting on Vander’s help to do that, but apparently I was mistaken. It’s hard to explain, but basically he made a vow to not get involved in politics and conflict. The idea sounded crazy even with his help. Now it sounds impossible.”

He shook his head, “It doesn’t sound very crazy to me. Especially if you can get Cee into the fold like you wanted. She’s going to be chief. Also, you’re undercutting your own achievements. Back in Redwall, it was just us two, and you still managed to change my world.”

Okay, that was actually crazy sweet of Alex to say, even if it didn’t help my conundrum. “What should I do about Vander? Break up? Send him home?”

“There is no shortage of capital knights who have committed to priests and the like who take similar vows. What you want in a partner is something you have to decide for yourself. Do you want Vander to leave if he can’t help?”

I honestly didn’t. I treasured his companionship, I just wanted more out of him. Still, I shook my head. “No, I don’t.”

“Then just talk to him. I’ve lived with him for months now, and as enigmatic about himself as he is, he’s been clear that he’s here in this village for you. Seeing as it’s the same for me, I respect that. But just like you accept that I need to leave, and he needs to accept that you want to help your sisters, you need to accept his decision to stay, or to go.”

Of course, Alex didn’t know Vander’s true nature, he thought Vander was a mortal. Then again, maybe that was the right approach. Vander had free will—mostly—and he was mortal now—also mostly. Vander and I didn’t technically owe each other anything more from the promises we made. I got my life, and Vander got his second date, and many more. The slate has been clean for a long time, we had been choosing to continue spending time together—we both knew that.

Looking at it that way, I had to choose how I wanted to live my life, and I knew—making a better world with my sisters. I needed to understand in what capacity Vander could still be a part of my life, and if that was enough for him. I would have to decide if that capacity—whatever it was—was enough for me too. That might change over my life, but I only needed to know if that was enough for right now.

“Ugh, relationships are hard.”

Alex patted me on the head, and I didn’t mind the consolation.

———

I caught up with Vander that night, and invited him for a late night stroll. Alex himself gave approval for us to break curfew, confident it wouldn’t be an issue as he went ‘smooth things over with Jiju.’ That earned a knowing eye-roll from me.

Once we were a bit away from the home, I grabbed his hand and spun him to face me, unwilling to drag out tensions anymore than necessary. “Vander, I want to apologize for the way I reacted to your story.“

“Liv… It’s—“

“Van, please… let me get this out. It was wrong of me to turn things into a fight. It’s ‘cause what I was really worried about is us.” I bit my lip, trying to make sure I found the right words this time. “When you talked about what happened with Phoenix, about the breadth of a single mortal life, it made me feel like this life was insignificant to you; that my life was insignificant to you. But, I am mortal, and this life is significant. How I felt when I returned from Redwall… I’m moving past that trauma. I’ve accepted that whether I asked for it or not, I am special, at least to my sisters. I’m someone who can make a positive difference in their lives, and I won’t be able to face myself in whatever comes after this life if I squander it.

“I guess what I’m saying is that I care for you deeply Vander, and I want you around, but I also have to be true to myself, and accept that it might mean losing you.”

Vander was patient as released my anxieties in a way that was only a bit of a ramble. Eventually, he started with an apology of his own, “I’m sorry if I made you feel like your life, or the lives of people you care about, are insignificant. I don’t dislike the part of you that wants to make a difference, it’s the opposite—I dislike the part of me that can’t do more for you. It’s… hard. I have power, but I know I can never wield it to make a difference. It’s hard to know that if I can cast a spell or swing a sword, it’s only because forces greater than even I deem it insignificant.

“But, you don’t have to be insignificant. By twists of fate it seems you never would be. I’m… jealous… but I also find it beautiful. If you’re going to be a bolt from the heavens that shapes the land where you strike, then I want to be able to witness that. I know any version of me would want you to be true to yourself. What I want is to stay by your side at the moments that cosmic forces allow it… if you’ll still have me, and be mine.”

We continued to face each other and I digested what he said. I couldn’t help but get a bit flushed, we’d both released a torrent of affirmations on the other. Whatever the limits he had to adhere to, he wanted me to soar, and I still wanted to see him when I came home to roost.

I said as much by pulling him in for a kiss.

———

Since our return from the mines, Jiju had halved my warrior training, giving me more time to work with Alex on processing the metal. Him and Vander had created a few rudimentary facilities while me and my sisters were away. An area behind the clutchhome was cleared for the purpose, and it was there the primitive bloom and forge were constructed. Both were created in simple shapes using earth and fire magic to raise and dry them.

In my hair, I sported a couple new braids to assist with the metalwork. One would allow me to add heat to a material using fire mana. I ended up modifying the Charge braid that dispatched the bandit leader to use fire mana instead. Using mana to heat wasn’t as sustainable as using charcoal, so the forge would still see plenty of use. I had a variant of that braid doing the reverse, allowing me to quench a material. Interestingly, both consumed about the same amount of mana, they didn’t have opposite effects on the ambient flow.

Another new braid was a similar modification to Charge for liquifying metal by inducing a current in the material. It wasn’t as precise as the fire mana version since the current liked to spread as resistances fluctuated. When necessary, it served for small scale metal extraction from ore, an alternative to the dirtier, time-consuming, but more efficient at scale, bloomery.

Finally, I had my slew of Magnet braids and derivatives. Manipulating the metal was tougher the softer it got, so I couldn’t create any fields stable enough to serve in place of a cast. Though, I did find those braids useful for casting in that I could prevent our sand-based casts’ cracks or leaks from getting out of control, as well as guiding the molten material into voids in the cast. Surfaces still came out rough, but castings rarely failed entirely.

Over the first week, using a combination of the magics, Alex’s knowledge, and some light information rattling around in my brain, we were able to create our first set of copper tools. From there we moved up to bronze, then iron and steel. Getting up to iron took a good deal of magical assistance thanks to the poor quality of our bloomery, and destroyed it in the process. Workable steel was even more small batch. We could magically erect more bloomeries, but they would be made of the same sand, rock, and clay mix as the first. 

In spite of barriers, we were absolutely [speed-running] the [tech tree], using tools to make better tools, to improve our facilities, to add an increasing variety of tongs, hammers, brackets, and even an extruding plate so that I could make some wire. I was getting ideas for something like a feather powered electric motor, though, unlike that damn court mage, I cared enough about preserving my plumage to focus on efficiency.

We also gained a third set of hands to help us at the forge, Kelz. The more hot metal going around, the more time she spent watching, and eventually helping. Kelz wasn’t quite as strong as Ghisé, but she was stronger than Alex and I, and had been picking up braids more easily than most of my sisters. The Magnet braids were beyond her still, but she could heat and quench magically nearly as good as me once I braided her hair for her and helped her practice. By the end of that first week, she was already the best traditional metalworker among us too. I told her Cee would start coming by soon too, but Kelz only said she’d, “Believe it when she sees it.”

Kelz went on to “see it” only a couple days later.

———

I was doing some research in Sanctuary the day Cee stopped by. At the time, I was continuing my research on the aspects of the Charge spell—and by extension the heating and quenching skills—in an attempt to completely isolate and understand the ‘remote’ aspect of the spellbraids. It was still early, the hours between my morning routine and the day’s training with Jiju, when I heard voices coming from the outdoor forge area. I tidied my notes and ran out of the house, finding my way to the voices.

Kelz had been coming by first thing each day to start up the forges and get ready for the day’s work, so I wasn’t surprised to hear her voice. Hearing her argue at this hour was new, though.

“Months… a year, even, I’ve been trying to get through to you. Meanwhile, the princess wags her tongue a couple times and here you are,” Kelz yelled.

“I know Kelz, I’m sorry.”

“You’re ‘sorry?’ Oh well in that case, Cee, everything is just fine, right—wind over the wings?“

Cee growled, “Hey, I’m under a lot of pressure, okay?”

I sucked in a breath from my spot around the corner. Noooo Cee, don’t escalate things! I debated whether I should step in. Kelz was waving those tongs around with exaggerated gestures.

“Right, and I’m a ‘distraction’ to you. We can’t lay any eggs together, so, why bother?” said Kelz. Ugh, I was definitely hearing things I wasn’t supposed to. She continued, “Maybe if you ask Princess, she’ll bring you a brood from Redwall.”

And now I’m catching strays?

Cee gritted her teeth, but released the tension with a somber sigh. “I was wrong Kelz. I don’t need that.“

“You don’t want to be chief anymore?”

“I still do, but… I don’t want to have to choose. I don’t think I have to choose, not anymore. Chief Getra was wrong. I miss you. I miss us. And yes, Tali’s back. The clutch can be whole again, I want to be a part of it, I won’t deny that. It wouldn’t fill the gap that’s grown between us though. I need you Kelz. I’ll always need you.”

Kelz’s anger deflated. She still looked sad, though, as she turned from Cee and crossed her wings. “[Talk is cheap.]” Then she set her tools down and flew off.

“What does that mean?” Cee groaned.

I slipped away and off towards the pitch for training with Jiju. I’d get to answer Cee’s question when she came and found me.

———

I stood atop the canyon walls and peered out over the edge—my stomach dropped. From this vantage, I could see the entire section of the village where Sanctuary and our territory sat. Outside of that territory, I could see the other clutchhomes that would hold Hesht fledglings much younger than I was. The stream that tracked its way from the corner of our territory upstream and around the bend towards the village, passed by Hatchome, easily the largest single construction in the canyon.

“You’ve just gotta go for it, the air itself tells you what to do,” Ber’s voice carried from behind me.

“Well my stomach is telling me what not to do! It’s pretty clearly saying ‘Talivi, do not jump, you will die.’” On cue, my stomach grumbled angrily.

Ghisé was down at the bottom of the canyon with Vander. My future guardian had the strength and speed to take to the air from the ground and catch me before I could stuffer a fatal fall. I’d earn some scratches and bruises from such rough handling, even with Ghisé’s talons being sheathed in leather, but Vander could patch me up. I hoped I wouldn’t need that stupid excuse for healing magic. I could barely see either of them from our spot atop the walls, but I knew where I was aiming to land… hopefully. Fall? Probably.

Inir was on team encouragement too. She didn’t care about my guts’ opinion on the subject. “Trust yourself Tali. Trust in Ghisé too.”

I could do that. Well, I could trust in Ghisé, at least. Come on Liv. Even if you trip off this ledge she’ll catch you. Nothing will happen that Van can’t fix.

I took a handful of deliberate breaths and gave Ber and Inir a look. They nodded encouragingly. I blinked slowly, nodded with conviction, and with a couple quick steps, leapt from the top of the canyon wall.

The wind thumped as I beat my wings hard a few times to get the feel of being airborne, nothing too different from the second spear form. I kept my eye line as level as possible, keeping focus on the far edge of the canyon wall, and leaned forward into a glide.

The feeling in my gut subsided a bit, and for a good few seconds I could feel the weightlessness that the lift provided. I was doing it! I just needed to head towards Ghisé, but, having not looked down since taking flight, I had lost track of my bearing. How far was I from the ground?

I glanced down. I could see Hatchome there, and following the river would lead towards Sanctuary… but, I became acutely aware of how far from the ground I was now, and how fast it was closing. Hesht couldn’t glide like a gull or anything, our bodies were far too heavy and our proportions would not allow us to simply glide on currents. I had to swoop, I needed to flap hard and give myself forward momentum, but I couldn’t get my wings to follow to logical instructions.

I pulled up into a complete stall and tried to flap hard from my vertical position in an attempt to slow my descent. But… it was just so far down, and my panic was making my limbs seize up. I was losing control. I was falling. I was spinning. The ground would be coming up fast. Maybe Luna would give me another chance if I asked real hard. Maybe if I agreed to date her too.

My momentum changed then, as a strong foot pushed into my upper back, knocking me into a slight forward spin before leather sheathes talons wrapped around my ribs and hips. It took me another couple seconds to realize that I was no longer falling, I was being carried. The ground was scrolling beneath me as we closed in on Vander’s position. With tears in the eyes I cried, “Thank you Ghisé! Oh gods I thought I was done for.”

“Why did you stop flapping?” she asked when she set me down.

“I looked down… the ground… it was so far. I was falling so fast.” I wiped a tear dry.

Vander kissed me on the forehead and pulled me into a hug. “You have the instincts in there Liv, you can find them beneath your fear. You spent a lifetime not looking down, but right now that’s what you need to do.”

I nodded quietly.

“Do you need a minute?”

I shook my head and pushed away, taking a moment to kiss him. I turned back towards Ghisé, and said, “Take me back up, before I can change my mind about trying again.”

My second descent attempt went much like the first. I might’ve even spent less time soaring, but I managed to guide myself to a ledge partway down before the panic really set in.

On my third attempt, I found a third sister of mine waiting alongside Inir and Ber—Cee. I gave her a half-hearted wave. “Hey, Cee.”

Her brow furrowed sympathetically. “Still struggling Tal?” she asked. At least she wasn’t disappointed in my flightlessness, though pity wasn’t a huge improvement in my eyes.

I gave her a wry smile, “What gave it away?”

“Why are we starting up here anyway?” Inir asked. “If you have this irrational fear, wouldn’t it be better to start from the ground?”

“I’ve tried it that way plenty. I just need enough time in the air. I can push through it,” I answered.

To be fair, the fear of falling off an extremely high ledge is a pretty rational one when you’re standing on a cliff’s edge. Well, rational for a human, but having even the reserved Inir say otherwise made it clear my fear in this case was the definition of unnatural. Acrophobia in a bird… it was absurd.

“I’ll watch this time,” Cee said.

I nodded, signaling Ghise to fly back down before I took up my position at the edge again. With a silent prayer to the gods of flight, not that Vander ever mentioned such a god existing, I kicked off the ledge once more.

Like my previous attempts I was gliding at first, but I had to look down. Like Vander said, look down, embrace it. I forced myself not to look away. Even still, I was losing momentum, I was falling too fast. It was heading towards a repeat of my last attempts.

Suddenly, I heard the flapping of wings, much too soon from my takeoff to be Ghisé. The figure swooped by me shouting, “Tali, your sixth!” It was Cee’s voice. She took up a position below me, practically flying backwards and upside down. She shouted again, “Eyes on me! Your sixth!”

My sixth… my sixth digit. Bigger and stronger than a thumb even, and extending out from my wrist, it controlled the shape of my wing and fanning of my feathers. It was a digit I definitely didn’t have in my last life, and in my peripheral vision I could see that Cee was right to call my attention. My sixths on both wings were quivering in response to my phobia.

Gritting my teeth against that fear, I kept my eyes locked on Cee as instructed. She was matching her descent to my own, but lower, she would crash before me, if anything, and was proving I had time. I forced my sixths to extend my wings, I was starting to feel the air catch.

There was another Hesht above me then. A familiar foot pushed, tilting me forward when Ghisé made contact between my shoulder blades, but she didn’t wrap her talons arund me this time. I let it happen, keeping all my focus on my instructions. I kept my eyes on Cee, and my mind on my sixths.

Cee rolled so she was flying more traditionally, and tilted into a more aggressive angle. I flexed and extended my sixths, attempting to match her.

“Your tail!” Ghisé’s voice outpaced my descent and reached my ears.

One more ball added to my juggling act, I flexed my tail, adjusting my pitch. My speed was increasing, but more of it was forwards than down now.

My stomach fluttered, but less in protest and more in excitement. The whole maneuver might have only lasted a few seconds, but for those few seconds, I was flying. I soared!

Though, too soon for my liking, it was time to land… a terrifying prospect. I could see below as Cee tilted her wings and tail, pulling all her forward momentum into lift. With a couple powerful flaps she adjusted into a hover and would touch down shortly.

I tried the same maneuver, angling my wings and tail as best as I could. I relished the brief weightless moment, but soon after, I was falling again.

““Flap!”” I heard Cee and Vander shout in unison.

I… couldn’t. It was like all my focus on my sixths and tail made me forget how to flutter. I was going to crash.

Ghisé crashed into me instead. She maneuvered to keep our landing as soft as possible, but we rolled to the ground together in a heap. Both Ghisé and I were heaving pained breaths, but we were breathing. Vander and Cee ran to us, the former already getting his healing hands ready. Ghisé shook herself off, tougher than I was, or maybe she just kept her wits enough to tap into her braid and prevent serious injury.

Cee smiled despite my rough landing, and only barely recoiled when Vander came up and laid his hands against my battered wing. “How was it? It looked like you were doing it Tal. I think you’ll be completing your Esakt ceremony before long.” I hoped so. I was getting increasingly tired of the restrictions of my ‘official’ fledglinghood.

“It was terrifying at first,” I answered, feeling Vander’s soothing mana spreading from my shoulder to elbow. “But… the part where I was soaring… it was… incredible. Mmmm, I can’t wait to fly like that again~” I sung lightly, then... “Nngh!” I grunted when Vander’s spell snapped things back into place. My lips turned to a pout. “Tomorrow.”

 

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