“You are not fit for this job.”

“Do you seriously think someone like you can be a Shadow Hunter?”

“Peace with monsters? Not happening.”

All of these words echo in my mind again and again. The faces of the people who spoke those words are just a blur in my mind, just black shapes with no features.

“Having nightmares again?” My whole body is limp as if it’s under the effects of a strong sleeping medicine. I slowly opened my eyes to see her face, the white hair, crimson eyes, and fox ears, and her usual outfit of black jeans with a white shirt. The girl that made me see the light, but it was too late; by that time, the darkness had already engulfed everything.

“Yes. Sorry.” I tried to move my limp limbs; all my struggles were in vain. Even after the slightest movement, I fell back on the couch I was sleeping on.

“Sulking in bed won’t change anything, Swan. I know you might still feel guilty, but there is nothing you can do. I don’t even blame you for what happened four years ago.” After several attempts, I managed to get up. Meiko sat near me; her left hand drifted toward my head and gently patted it.

“I don’t know why you are so kind. If I had refused that invitation, you wouldn’t have had to suffer losing Iroha. She meant a lot to you; I know that for sure.” Meiko averted her gaze from me. I could catch a small glimpse of a defeated look from her while turning away.

“We are all the same, monster or human. Most people are too blind to see it, but you are not one of them. You are just someone that has been dealt a bad hand. That event shook you up as much as it did me. Mistreating you to vent my anger over a matter you couldn’t control is just not right.” Her arms slowly wrapped around my body, pulling me into a gentle hug.

“Meiko…” I don’t know how to respond. I know I needed this, but why? It’s not the first time Meiko has done this; heck, she even kissed me a few times.

“It isn’t the first time. Look, get more comfortable while with me. Everyone has to move on from the past; both of us have to do as much as we can.

“I understand, but still, I can’t sweep away all of my guilt.” I clenched my fists and brought them up to my chest, which felt stabbed and ready to burst at any moment.

“You have no other choice but to sweep it away. You are not the only one carrying guilt here. It’s a war, and the reality is that innocent people will die no matter what we do. I will not sugarcoat this: grow thicker skin. This is the current situation.” Meiko is pulling me closer, cradling me close to her chest. I don’t know if I can face anyone if they see me like this; probably my entire face is turning red by this point.

I love Meiko; there is no denying that. I tried to write a book that introduces humans to monsters in a friendly way, but when the time came to write about my own experiences in the Shadow Hunters, well, I couldn’t write about them.

These experiences make us humans sound like the villains of the story, which in the big picture, we are.

I wonder how many lives have been destroyed by either people who were foolish enough to join the Shadow Hunters and were turned into mindless killers, or mindless killers who joined the Shadow Hunters only to continue killing innocent people because they get a sick kick out of it.

“You are thinking about it too much, Swan.”

“I know, but… it consumes me every day that I am alive.”

“Everyone here is consumed by the same thing. It isn’t easy, but unlike us, you can be free from this hell faster than a monster.” I know exactly what she is talking about, but I know damn well that she won’t allow me to die. I won’t allow myself to die in vain; I won’t allow her to die either.

“You should worry more about yourself than me. If someone cuts your head, yours won’t grow back like mine does. Be careful what you get yourself into.” Meiko gently pushed me out of her embrace, my body moving into a straight position.

“Where are you going?” She started to move around the room until she grabbed a plastic bag that was placed on the table. When did that bag get there?

“The bag was here already; you didn’t notice it. Here, maybe this will cheer you up.” Meiko’s hands gently went into the bag, grabbing two cans of soda and two large servings of strawberry pudding placed in a plastic container.

“Ohhh. Sorry. Why did you bring them here?” I stopped for a second and looked her in the eyes, those crimson-red eyes of hers. Whenever my gaze lands upon them, my mind clears and I can think clearly. I am calmer.

“These are for us. I wanted to treat my girlfriend to something sweet, but in your current state, you are not in the mood to go anywhere.” She handed me one serving of pudding and one can of soda.

“Thank you.” My bad thoughts start to subside. I say this because I don’t remember what we were talking about earlier; it’s like all my thoughts have vanished.

Wait, she is controlling my mind again, but it’s for the best. As she said, it’s better to sweep it all away and move on from this; no use crying over spilled milk.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Dig in!” Her face radiated a blinding smile.

I started eating the pudding with her. I can’t remember what we were talking about before this, but I don’t think it matters.

“Hey Meiko, want to go on a walk later?”

“Sure, but…” Meiko was interrupted by the loud ring of her phone.

“Amy, what happened?”

Their conversation was muffled, but I could make out the next words: “Anomaly” “Magus” and “Control.”

“Sorry, Swan. I have to go. I will be back soon. You can eat my pudding; I will make more.” Meiko placed her pudding down and only grabbed her soda. She left the empty room, closing the door behind her.