1989:

I ran for several blocks, hearing Chris's voice in the near distance calling out to me. I ran until I felt safe away from those two blue eyes looking innocently out at me in absolute terror. Kneeling down, I covered my face with my palms and rubbed at my own eyes trying to get the fresh image out of my mind.

What had I done?

It was the first time I had ever felt any emotion for my victim. I struggled to even lower my fangs into his salty flesh. His blood.. so pure. His eyes.. so fearful, and yet so confused. I almost lost myself in his dark blue iris's.

I could hear Chris approach. He finally decided to stop calling out to me yet I could hear his footsteps draw closer. I moved my hands away from my face and spotted him standing in front of me.

“Lose your nerve?” he questioned.

“Leave me!” I demanded of him.

He cocked his head in confusion. “What's your problem? You killed him right?”

My eyes grew bright as I thought did I finish him? It would be terrible if I hadn't, yet this whole ordeal was horrible in itself. If only I could go back to that moment that I saw him.. I would have passed by... or would I?

“Yes,” I answered straight-forward though I didn't know if I had.

“Well, get the hell off the ground and lets go before someone finds us!” Chris ordered as he reached his hand out to me.

I grabbed hold and lifted myself off the dusty sidewalk. I hoped he wouldn't feel my hand shaking in this doubt that was consuming me. I always had to force myself to be strong when I was with Chris; he seemed so courageous as if nothing frightened him. After following close beside him for fifty years, I couldn't show him any weaknesses.

Yet I harbored many.

From the day that I realized my parents had left me on the cold steps of an orphanage, to living my life there with those children whom I never could get along with, I had always wanted a way out. My greatest weakness, even after I was turned, was the great wish to die.

I had hoped it would come with Serena as she was taking my blood into her but it didn't. I had hoped it would come those nights that I ran through the city streets of Central, sleeping there in the bitter cold, but it didn't. I had hoped it would come numerous times and all those times it seemed that something, someone wanted me to remain alive.

Now, the ultimate curse, to live forever.

That was my curse. I couldn't be free of life any longer, though I couldn't fathom completing the job with my own two hands. I would walk this filth for an eternity, wishing for my death. Hoping that someone would come along and just finish me, rid me of this curse for good.

I hated being this devil, demon of the night. For decades I had tasted their blood, all different but the same in a way. The only thrill I got from it was when I was alone with a beautiful young woman or man. Their pleasurable moans as I slowly lowered my lips to their neck caused an incredible passion in me. Something to the contrary of sexual pleasure, like a heightened sense far more indulging than an orgasm.

Reaching around and embracing the woman's breasts, or snaking my way down a gentleman's abs as I pierced my fangs into their skin and drank slowly their life... was all so much exciting to me. Yet as soon as their weak body dropped to the floor, their heart stopped, that pain I knew so well returned to haunt me again.

Yet it was quite different this time as I took his blood into me. It was like I could feel my own heart race in my chest, a feeling I hadn't been aware of since this curse started. And as his body started to dip into my arms, I just couldn't continue.

Now I was all too fearful that I had left him on the brink of death. Between the two worlds, of the living, of the dead... to suffer in this terrible state that I had only heard of since my turning. The condition of denial.

****

Nights passed by in the usual way. I spent endless hours with Chris in his home, although he left me alone many times to dwell on my thoughts. Upstairs he would start and then turn to look at me for a moment before disappearing behind a doorway.

I wasn't allowed to step foot in that room. He named it his den and I often wished to go beyond that door and view whatever was in there, yet I obeyed his wishes for years.

At times we would have company. All sorts of different vampires and vampyres from around the city came to visit, bringing human companions of their own. I could taste their blood on my lips just as my eyes caught theirs, but I couldn't escape the look of his eyes sparkling bright in the light of the street lamp. And as I was allowed to embrace these humans, my mind would always flash back to that night.

It was only a few years afterward that I couldn't stand the memories any longer. I couldn't stand to face myself and my deed upon him. I knew I left him alive and I was quite aware of these emotions overwhelming me to the point I could barely feel my excitement as I fed upon the humans that passed through those doors.

I must find him. I must save him from his denial. A growing sense of shame overcame me. What if he was consumed by his state? What if he severed his own ties with this world, just as they all do when their life is taken so senselessly?

“I'm leaving,” I told Chris one day as we sat silently in the living room.

He turned his head suddenly. “Where are you going?” He glared at me.

I stood straight up and looked at him with determination. “There's something I must do.” I lowered my head, feeling a bit shameful of leaving him after we had been through so much together.

“And you're just going to leave me like this? I've had so much planned for us, Lucious. Couldn't it wait?” he asked as he stood up to face me.

I kept my head down to show him my obedience even though I wasn't bound to him. “I must apologize, Chris. But I cannot sit in this home any longer and just wait.”

With those words, I began stepping forward towards the door until his hand cupped my shoulder and I stopped. “Will you be back?”

I couldn't look at him and answer him absolutely. I wasn't sure if I would be back.

“I'll be back, at times.”

He removed his fingers, and I felt a shiver run down my spine. “My door is always open for you, Lucious.”