It's been too long since I've seen my father. Sometimes, I even forgot his face unless I take a look at the photos I have of him.

He contacts me sometimes so I guess you can say we are acquainted. It's not awkward at all. He is still my father. I know how to talk to him.

But it's a little daunting to see him face to face.

Especially when today's the Father's Day.

Should I greet him or not?

Should I pretend I didn't know? Ignore it? It's not all lies. I did forgot about it. I thank facebook for making me remember. And after all, he knows I am terrible at dates... At least I hope so. I am her daughter. He should know some things about me besides the obvious.

We talk a few things... But most of the time it is filled with pauses and awkward silences.

Did I say awkward? Because it is. A lot. It's different talking to him on the phone and face to face.

I was not prepared for this after all. Meeting a parent that hasn't been with you for a long time now is seriously taxing.

But a little exciting too. Though all the feelings I had were not that overwhelming. I'm still feeling around, testing the water so to speak.

And then the woman he left us for comes, sits at another chair in the table we were sitting at with ease and smiles at me.

I didn't see her overall expression. I just saw her lips curving into a smile.

I didn't feel anything.

But I smiled back.

It's wrong. I didn't like her. I didn't want her there. This was supposed to be about us. OUR time. I rarely see my father. I can count on one hand the days we see each other in a year. And it hasn't even reached the double digit of hours.

Still, I smiled at her.

It's wrong. But it is a reflex. An action I always do when someone smiled at me for no reason and I don't know what to do.

I felt empty though. I didn't feel anything. Disappointment, annoyance, anger... Nothing. It was like there is a strange, gaping black hole deep inside my chest.

My eyes are dry. My lips twitches involuntarily. My hands tightened into a fist while holding my phone.

I knew our time was running out.

He escorts me back to our neighborhood. He smiled at me, eyes shining and genuinely pleased to see me.

I saw him hold that woman's hand.

I smiled at him, knowing that I did not feel anything while I did it.

It's empty.

I don't know if he notices. I decided I didn't care.

I took his hand and put the back of his hand on my forehead.

"Take care," he said to me. I nodded, still smiling, giving a small chuckle.

I wasn't used to that voice, concern dripping from his mouth.

"Happy father's day." I said, the words reflexively coming out of my mouth. It sounded empty. I didn't know why I said that. I had no intention of saying that.

There is nothing happy about this day. Nothing to celebrate.

I shouldn't have said that.

His eyes widened though, his cheeks reddened a bit and he was smiling widely while he, seemingly impulsively, kissed my forehead. As if he was so happy to hear me greet him about some day that isn't really important.

Because it is not.

"Thank you," he whispers.

My chest ached almost immediately. It's a little startling how it attacked without warning. I felt a huge lump on my throat and it is a little hard to swallow. I can feel my lips starts to wobble.

My eyes threatened to burn. I tried my best to keep it from happening. My heart felt like it was being squeezed to a pulp. It felt right inside me and it's a little hard to breath.

I didn't know that what I read from the books I had at home about this kind of thing is true.

It's hard.

I told myself to finish this before giving him a soft smile. It's kinda hard to do now than before.

He gave me a 1000 peso money. I felt shame while taking it from his hand.

It's the least he could do for giving up on us, I said to myself. It would help. I won't have to ask mom for my fare, I continued assuring myself. That didn't erase the shame I felt.

It feels like he felt the need to give me money after I greeted him. I know though that that wasn't why he gave me money. It didn't make this situation any better.

My chest ached fiercely. I gritted my teeth. I have to make it through this day without letting my father see. I don't want him to see.

He had no need to see. He can't do anything about it after all. Not that he will, I thought to myself almost absently.

That exacerbates what I felt.

The truth hurts. I already knew that though, even before this day.

"Bye." I said before abruptly walking away. I had to get away, now.

I heard the car screeching at my back after a few seconds before going away.

I didn't turn back to see. I didn't want to see.

I swallowed hard.

My heart hurts. My eyes burned and I felt tears running down my cheeks. I hastily wiped it with my hands and tried my best to calm down.

I don't want to cry.

I won't.

End.

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