12 – Okay, Let’s be Honest. I’m Pretty Shady.
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It's a city!

Gasp!

True civilization lies in front of me!

Soon, true toilets can be found!

I want to take a bath so badly! I'm UNCLEEEEEEAN!

Save me from living in the wild please.

We just got one problem.

We got huge fucking walls in front of us. 

And guards on patrol.

And there's not many people lined up, and no one's distracted, so they can clearly see us walking up.

Shit. Can't turn back now.

"Okay, Otto." Time to explain my brilliant plan to Otto. "Here's what to do. You shut up, and let me do all the talking."

He's giving me a look saying he's not laughing internally. Don't give me that look. I thought that joke was pretty good.

"Okay. You're a mute. I'm your friend. I grew up in the forest, and I have no idea about you, but you've been with me for the past year or so, so I don't really know your origin story. However, I'll vouch for your character."

Otto, I know this plan is flimsy. Don't look at me that way. It's the best I could come up with. Wait, he probably doesn't get why I won't talk about my past. It's not like he knows I'm from another world. 

...

"Otto, I'm from another world, and I don't know how to enter the town. I'm suspicious as hell. Please help me out here."

There, I said it. After weighing the pros and cons, I realized it's not like Otto can tell anyone. My secret is safe with him. He won't say jack shit. Otto looks confused now. Whatever, he'll get over it.

Otto tries to turn around. No you don't! You're gonna make us look more shady. Get your ass back here.

I started to drag Otto towards the gate. We're in this together, buddy!

Wait a second. 

I think...

I may have a better idea.

But I'm not sure if it'll work.

Hmmmmm...

Let's leave it as an emergency method. It would be difficult to gauge their reactions if I told them that.

Time to definitely not sound like someone bad!

* * *

After dragging Otto for a bit, he started walking as well. Good. 

The gate has a couple of people coming in and out, but they're not heading down the road we're on, but instead heading out to different buildings around the edges of the walls. I guess this city isn't very "Trade Oriented?" Seriously, where is everyone?

Otto and I stepped up to the wall, and found that the guards didn't really take much notice of us. When we got through the line for the inspection, the "fun" part began.

"May I see your identification?" The guard we met asked.

Oh no. 

"Ah, sorry, but I don't have any. I haven't had a chance to get one." I said, trying to brush it off.

The guard eyed me for a bit before moving on. "That's fine, just get one in town. Then, state your name, age, occupation, place of origin, and your reason for entering Evergreen City."

THAT WAS IT! THAT WAS THE FUCKING CITY'S NAME! FINALLY! Stay cool, stay cool. "Alright. Let's hope I got this. My name is Simon Harmes, I'm 18 years old, I'm unemployed, I don't really have a place of origin as my parents raised me in the forest, and I'm aiming to become an adventurer or mercenary. Some combat related profession, I don't have much of a talent for anything else."

Here's hoping he missed that forest bit.

"Hm. Raised in the forest?"

Nope, my luck is shit.

In my mind I can hear "The Sound of Silence" playing.

"Alright."

Okay. That was easy.

"At least, it will be alright if you could give me a little something for my time to convince the other guards to let you in..."

...

You know what?

Fuck it, this works. I don't know why God wants to save this world, considering everyone that speaks to me seems to be the scum of society. It's a good thing for me in this case, though.

"Okay. I think I can help you with that."

I reach into one of my pockets and pull out a silver coin from my storage. I don't know if this will be enough, but here's hoping. I reached out to grasp his hand in a handshake.

"Thanks for being understanding."

"My pleasure."

In the hand I'm shaking with, the coin is hidden. While we shake hands, the coin is passed between us. Smooth as hell. He's done this before. He looks at his new fortune and smiles. Boom, I did it. Otto, Your turn now.

"Show me your ID."

Otto didn't say or do anything.

"Hey, say something." Shady Guard A seems a little annoyed. Gotta step in to help.

"Ah, sorry about Otto. He's actually pretty disfigured under the hood. Horrible burns. His throat was seared, so he can't speak anymore. He's traveling with me for now. Might I be able to convince you to let my friend through?"

The guard was hesitant. "... It's going to be a bit more for him." 

I sighed. "Alright. Thanks." I handed over two more silver coins. 

And that's how we got into Evergreen city. Otto, can't you be more helpful?

* * *

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Otto, is acting like he doesn't know me while I laugh like a crazy person. I'm sorry, but...

This. This is priceless.

We started walking around town that seemed to lack a lot of people, and decided to head towards the city center. On the way there, we came across a square. And in the center, was a statue.

A statue of someone I recognize.

It's fucking pajama girl.

She's got a statue! 

I guess the people around here think of her as a goddess, but...

I'm losing my shit here. Otto is trying to get me to shut up.

I'm thinking back to when she called me her champion. Holy fuck, they don't view her accurately at all.

"I can't deal, man!" I'm hunched over, laughing my ass off. I just can't take her seriously.

After a little bit, I finally calm down and realize the situation I'm in. Hoping nobody took offense, I decided it was time to go.

After walking around for a bit, I realized something. We ain't got a clue where we're going. 

We're supposed to be heading towards the Adventurer's guild, but we don't know where the hell it is.

I manage to get some information out of a meat skewer vendor, and we head on our way.

* * *

We're standing in front of what appears to be a normal building with a wooden door. However, there is one thing that helps me notice that this is not just any building.

"Adventurer's Guild" is written on a small sign hanging from the wooden door.

Well then. This looks... Shady.

Let's see what's up with this.

I opened the door to find a room the size of a small classroom, with a receptionist's counter on the other side of the room.

There's a guy napping there.

...

Give me back my hopes and dreams! This is not what I was expecting at all! Where is everyone! There should be a bar with a rowdy atmosphere and a request board with people lined up looking for work!

All I see is a guy getting his nap on. I can see what I think is a request board on the right, but it's so pitifully empty I don't know what to think.

Time to invade this guy's dreamland.

I walked up to the counter. There was a little bell beside the guy's head. I rang it.

"Snore..."

Ding. Ding. DING. DING. DING DING DING DING!!!

This guy is out like a light. Do your fucking job. I understand laziness, but this... This is a new level.

Respect. I can get behind that.

I slammed my fist down on the counter next to him.

Nope.

Otto reached over and nudged him a couple times, but still nothing.

Alright. You leave me no choice.

I used water magic to summon forth a ball of water. Time to waterboard this fucker. 

I dropped the ball of water on his face.

...

Oh, he's getting up. Slowly.

Finally.

"Hey, asshole." He said. "Couldn't you have rung the bell?"

Dear Adventurer's Guild management,

I am here to inquire about your rules. Recently, I got into a small dispute with a receptionist working for you, and I was wondering if it was alright to poison him and set him on fire? Thanks!

Simon Harmes

P.S. Where's the cute girl receptionist? 

I have never been more let down in my entire life.

"I did ring the bell. Multiple times."

"Then just give me a nudge or something. You went too far. Get the fuck out."

...

Dear Adventurer's Guild management,

@!&$%@*!!*&^#%@!*$%@!*$&@!^%$*@&!$%^@!*^&$%@*&#!^$%

Simon Harmes

"Are you fucking with me!? I came here to register, not deal with a comatose dumbass!"

"Oh, you want to be an adventurer? You should have said so. Here ya go."

He pulled a sheet out from under the counter. Fucking finally.

I finally just realized something. I didn't realize because I was just reading and talking, but this is another language. I think I can write in it, though. Hopefully god didn't skimp out when he gave me language comprehension.

Wait. I don't see a pen or pencil around here.

How do I fill this out?

"Hey, I don't have anything to write with." I said to the receptionist.

"What a coincidence. Neither do I." The receptionist shot back.

... 

I found something to use. Can I write with blood? More specifically, yours?

I waited at the counter, staring him down. Eventually, he sighed, and pulled out a quill pen and an inkwell.

Now, the real challenge begins. How do you write with this kind of shit? I had forgotten the greatness of modern writing utensils.

I figured it out, and wrote what I thought was my name. I filled out my age, employment history, and place of origin.

Wait a sec. Isn't this place just a job agency? 

Fuck it. It's the laziest job I can take.

I feel like this is a little depressing.

When I was filling out the special skills section, I wrote that I knew some basic dagger skills and could use a some basic water magic. 

When it was finished, the receptionist took the form, and placed it on the side of the counter before giving a short explanation on the registration process.

"Alright, come back in a day or two and I'll give you an ID card. I'll let you know the rules then as well. You're not allowed to take any jobs until you get the ID, so just check back in later."

"Got it."

I backed away from the desk, and Otto walked up. He and the receptionist stared at each other in silence. 

"... Alright, I'll get one for you too." The receptionist relents.

Good, the man understands.

While Otto filled his out, he wrote his name as Otto and his age as 16. Under skills, he put lute playing and lute bashing. The receptionist raised his eyebrows at that one. Seriously. What a guy.

Once Otto was finished, he put his paper with mine.

"Glad that's done." The receptionist said. "Now get out."

Glad to see customer service in a fantasy world is fan-fucking-tastic. 

I needed something before I left, though. "Hey, could you tell us where to find a good, cheap inn?"

"No."

Fuck.

"Please?"

"Nope."

"I really want to sleep in a bed, though."

"Then find an inn on your own."

...

Asshole.

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