Okay. This is not my fault.

Well, it is my fault. But it was unintentional. 

Seriously, why were there so many trees next to the mansion? 

And why did the trees just so happen to form a connection to another mansion?

And another? Basically, the gardens from one place connected to another.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is...

The fact that the town is burning down is not my fault. 

Blame the gardeners. They set up the trees so everything would burn together. Dumbasses. 

Fire safety is the first thing you should check as a gardener. 

Now, this didn't happen instantly. I ran away before everything got set on fire.

Kind of.

I decided to visit the neighbors for a while and see if they had anything I could stea-- liberate. 

Seems like most of these houses were empty. Probably due to the incoming monster wave or something. Yeah, I almost forgot about that. I wonder when that will happen? Either way, the houses were devoid of life, and devoid of most things of value.

Most.

There were plenty of golden candlesticks and jewelry left lying around. I couldn't find any coins, but... Whatever. Shinies of all kinds are always welcome.

So, I was digging through a drawer. And what do I find when I look out the window?

Holy Fuck.

That's a lot of damage.

Well, there goes the neighborhood. Sorry city, it was nice knowing you. Whatever your name was. How the fuck did I forget the name of the city already?

Doesn't matter when there won't be a city to name.

Yeah, they ain't putting that fire out.

Holy shit, they ain't putting that fire out.

Some are trying. Trying pretty hard, might I add. But that's fine. Or really, it's not. They can't do shit.

Wait, there's something coming out of the fire.

Oh look.

Mr. Musclebound is walking out of the fire. He's looking burnt, with a side of bruised.

And angry.

Very angry.

Oh fuck, I've never seen a guy so pissed.

It's a good thing I'm so far away that he can't see me.

Sucker.

Well, back to my funds acquisition. 

Wait.

What's that...

Oh my god, it's the real terminator.

Otto, my man. Walking out of the fire. He's also moderately on fire. Moderately.

Wait, he's in the fire?

He was in the mansion?

I left him behind?

Oh.

Oh dear.

He's probably pissed. I've made it onto his shit list now. Oh boy.

Huh. But my status still says "Automaton's Friend."

So...

He probably doesn't know I set the fire.

THANK FUCK!

I never want to fight that lute wielding psycho! He scares the shit out of me! He's always been an eerie motherfucker.

He's heading towards muscle head right now.

Oh, it's time for the throw down of the century. Man vs. Machine. Muscle vs. Metal. 

WHO WILL WIN!?

FIGHT!!!

And, Otto kicked his ass. Easily. Wiped the floor with that fucker, even without his lute.

Damn, he's scary.

Real scary.

Terminator levels of scary.

I must never tell him about the fire. Ever. If I value my life, HE MUST NEVER KNOW!

I truly value our friendship. And my life. In order to maintain that friendship, I can't die. Otherwise, we aren't friends. THAT HOW IT WORKS!

Life is precious. My life is.

Now that Otto is done teaching the man about the power of machines, it's time to make my appearance.

I jump out the window and start running over.

"OTTO!" I run in with my arms outstretched. "There you are, you screw head! I was wondering where you went!"

Actually, cancel the hug. He's still on fire. I put down my arms, and feign worry.

He tears his gaze from the tough looking cannon fodder. I think he is pleasantly surprised to see me. Or not. Right now, I can't actually tell.

"So you were in that mansion, huh? Fuck, I was checking the wrong one! Frank gave me the wrong fucking address, so I ended up searching through a couple of other places! I never thought you would be in the burning one." Perfect acting.

"Neither of us are going to fall for that ploy." A robotic voice responded to me. 

Hey, hey. Don't give me that attitude. I didn't raise you to be--

Wait a goddamn fucking second. 

"You can talk?" 

"No, that voice was a figment of your imagination." Was the extremely deadpan response I heard.

...

Excuse me?

Wut?

Universe, is that you collapsing?

I'm trying to work my head around this. 

MY WORLD VIEW HAS BEEN SHATTERED!

I need to coherently put my thoughts together.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Yep. Perfect.

"I understand that it was probably you who set the estate on fire. Knowing you, you did not think I was captured, or the thought that I could be had not even cross your mind. So, you decided to loot and destroy the mansion we were imprisoned within, before leaving to rob other households. Tell me,"

Otto leans towards me, his clothes still burning, making the anger radiating off of him that much more intense.

"DID I MISUNDERSTAND?"

Oh shit, I'm spooked. 

"Ha... You right."

"So you stole more money?" He's looking at me more intensely. Even without a face, you can tell he's pissed. 

"... Not money. I settled for expensive looking things."

"Return them."

"NO, NOT THE SHINIES!"

"I can tolerate stealing from the other locations because that money would not have gone into trustworthy hands, but in this situation, the money belongs to someone who we do not know the character of. It would be terrible to cause harm to someone that does not deserve it."

Otto is a pillar of morality, apparently. Who would have thought? 

"But it's money! We can buy a house, settle down, have kids..."

"This is exact reason why I did not want you to know I could talk. Asinine conversations such as these are irritating."

"It's all going to burn down anyways! I'm protecting the priceless heirlooms so I can inevitably return them!"

"We both know that you are protecting them so you can sell them for your 'retirement plan.'"

"You know about that?"

"You speak your inner thoughts out loud often."

"Then you should understand why we need the money!"

"Why did I decide to be your friend again?"

"Because no one else would be?"

We stand in silence. Yes, Otto. I said it. Fuck you. I thought you would be more supportive of my decision to be proactive. I guess I judged you wrong.

The quiet continues, only interrupted by the sound of Otto burning.

Oh right.

"Do you want me to put your fire out?"

"Yes, that would be appreciated."

Glad we've moved on.

I make a ton of water in the air, toss it forward, and douse him.

"So, Otto. Now that I know that everything about you is a fucking lie, what the hell is your real name?"

"My real name is Otto."

"... I thought this was confession time. You've broken my trust. We can't be friends anymore."

"No, my name is Otto. It is a consequence of you giving me that terrible nickname." Otto stretched his hand to gesture behind himself. "Can we continue this conversation at a time when we are not near the deadly inferno?"

...

Great, I've got more stuff to ask about. Bizarre mysteries. Fuck.

"Fine. We'll talk later"

"Good. Now please return the stolen items to their rightful owner."

"YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEE!"

I start running away. Otto put his head in his hands before eventually following.

* * *

As I sprint into town, I finally see a little bit more liveliness. People are in the streets, doing things, talking to others.

They may be panicking, but it's an improvement. Otto may disagree, but I'm realizing we may not see eye to eye on a lot of things. 

Some evidence for this is him chasing me.

"Son of a BITCH!!!" I shouted while dodging a group of people.

"Simon, please stop acting like a child and return the stolen items." Otto called after me in a loud, but deadpan voice.

Yep, robots are fucking fast. I'm putting my all into sprinting away, but he's keeping pace pretty well. I forgot. The Terminator never got tired. He just kept going. 

Just like Otto.

Wait, a chance!

"HELP! THERE'S A CRAZY ROBOT CHASING ME!" I call out as I run down the street. Otto seems to pick up the pace when he hears me call that out. YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! 

"Simon, you need to stop this right now." He's getting closer. But little does he know, I've got it all worked out.

Why?

Because she's here! Down the street from me. Looking around, with her panicky face!

The most gullible girl in the world!

Ms. ...

Yeah, there's no nickname for her.

What the hell was her name? Did I not bother to ask? Whatever. 

It's the girl who came into the inn. And then came into the other inn. That idiot.

Time to play off Ms. Gullibles's feelings!

"PLEASE HELP! SOMEONE, ANYONE! HELP ME!" I shout, trying to sound as desperate as possible while looking exhausted. I think it worked, because Miss. Gullible is looking over. HURRAY! 

"IT'S YOU!!!" She shouted, pointing at me. "You're that shady guy that robbed the inns!" 

Um.

 

Hahaha...

 

Fuck.

The Adventurer's Guild receptionist probably figured it out and told her. I mean, the guy probably didn't recognize the description of me at all, and showing up at both places is too shady.

Or Frank told him.

Fucking. Frank.

I swear to god, that lazy bastard, the next time I see Frank, I'm going to strip him down and leave him in front of everyone. Hang that bastard off a roof by toes. That'll teach him to fuck with me.

I realize I'm sounding more and more like a mental case, but that's his problem to deal with. 

Anyways.

While Gullible's technically not wrong about me robbing the inns, those guys had it coming.

So this is not going according to plan.

Time to turn down a different road.

And now I have two people chasing me. 

Great. 

"THIEF!"

"Please return the stolen items."

Just fucking great.

Yep, not going according to plan at all.

Just where did it all go wrong?

Okay, I'm getting tired now. How do I keep moving?

When in doubt, magic?

Fuck it, it's the best I got.

I try pumping my body full of magic.

Okay, I'm speeding up, while using the same amount of energy!

Great!

Time to outrun these bastards. I am the wind! I am speeeeeeed!

Oh SHIIIIT, THEY'RE SPEEDING UP TOO! 

And I thought body strengthening made me special. Turns out, everyone here is a fucking cheat.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I'M GONNA DIE HERE!

"GET BACK HERE!" Gullible shouts at me.

"THEY DESERVED IT! THEY ALL DID!" I shout back in a way that doesn't make me sound like a crazy person at all. I'm dodging and weaving through the crowds and trash on the street, and my pursuers are following right behind.

Time to try something else.

I remember sending electricity through my body once to speed up my punch. That was a good experiment.

Let's try that for my whole body.

I send the lightning coursing through my body.

FUCK, IT HURTS! It's working, but the pain is intense. 

I'm zooming away from the two of them now. 

See ya later suckers!

 

Ah.

 

I got a leg cramp.

 

I trip and fall, rolling and skidding into the middle of an open plaza.

I look back and see Otto and Gullible rushing over to me.

It's over.

Goodbye, world, whatever you were called. 

I turn around to see where I am.

Oh, I'm here again.

Right in front of pajama girl's statue.

Right. Time to pray for help. Because that always seems to work. 

Yeah, right.

I close my eyes.

God, please save your devout follower. I only wish to do my best to defeat the demon king. Everyone else is merely spreading vile slander for their own selfish reasons. Please, it's me, Simon! The hero you brought to this world to spread love and joy!

I open my eyes.

Yep, god is a lazy bastard alright.

They've reached me. I'm fucked.

"We've caught you now, thief!" Miss Gullible, please stop this nonsense. 

"Simon, this has gotten out of hand. Please surrender." Otto, once again, sounding like a deadpan bastard.

This is my last chance!

"Never!" Never give in. Never give up. Keep fighting until the end. 

I create a lasso of water and wrap it around the statue before pulling myself towards it.

...

I'm dragging myself across the ground at a snail's pace.

"Ummm..." Miss Gullible is too polite to say anything. She's a little stunned I'm going this far, methinks. I have to live. LIVE!

"Simon, this is pitiful, even for you." Well, fuck you too, Otto.

"Shut up!" I elegantly say in response. 

Pajama girl, please. SAVE ME!

And suddenly,

 

I'm lying on a floor somewhere else.

...

Excuse me, but what the fuck.