So here I am.

Lying on the fucking ground.

Okay, so I'm out of heaven and back on... Well fuck.

I keep forgetting the name of this world. And the city. And everything that doesn't fucking matter. 

This is much worse than when I was lying on the floor in heaven. It's super dirty.

I think there was some kind of time stop that went down while I was in heaven. 

Oh, and I've got my two favorite people in this world staring at me. Gosh, you're making me feel embarrassed. 

Or I would be, if they weren't glaring daggers at me. Well, I've had a bit of time to calm down. I guess I can work this out with them.

"Wait, wait, calm down a second." I say, trying to backpedal. Polite mode, activate. Gratuitous swearing mode, off. "I think you're misunderstanding, miss. I may have destroyed those inns, but there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for that."

"Don't try to trick me! I won't listen to you again!" Gullible said firmly. 

"So I'm not allowed to say that they were part of a criminal organization that I think the Adventurer's Guild's receptionist may be involved in?" I say, still trying to get her on my side. 

"That's ridiculous! Like I can believe that!" For once, Gullible will not live up to her name. The one time I need it. Fuck. You let me down.

She takes a long sword out of nowhere. Item box? Fuck.

I think the sword is a bit big for her. It's about the length of her entire person.

"Hey, calm down for a second. It's not like I killed anyone, and while I may have beaten the shit out of the guys there a little bit, they are total scum lords. I mean, Frank was running a drug farm up until a little while ago."

"Frank?" She's confused.

"Yeah, Frank?" Finally, words are getting through. "One of the guys I beat up? I stripped him down and took his shit because he pissed me off, and he gave me directions to a lot of shady places across town."

"YOU STRIPPED HIM!?" She's shocked, I guess. I don't get why. It's common sense to take away anything someone can try to use. If you strip them down, it severely limits their options.

"Yeah, but I think you're missing the--" I stopped when she pointed the tip of her blade at my throat. Well shit.

This is not how I want to die. Laying on the ground in front of a fake goddess statue with a stupid girl pointing a sword about the length of her entire body at me.

Wait, isn't that the kind of ending you would expect for a villain? The epic confrontation?

Am I the bad guy?

...

Yeah.

Okay, I might have taken this a little too far.

Just a little bit too far.

I probably should have just talked to the authorities. I let myself get blinded by the promise of money no one could report that you stole. 

Except the inns could. I forgot that the inns looked like legitimate businesses on the outside and didn't have secret areas filled illegal shit.

Wait, did I ever even find any drugs? I searched, but there wasn't even one place that I could find drugs. Now what am I supposed to hand out to druggies for information? Damn.

Okay, that's actually a pretty fucked up thought to have.

I probably really am evil.

"Okay, I get that I'm definitely not a good person, but I'm not lying to you." I paused before adding "This time."

"Be quiet! I hope someone has called the guards, because--" She stopped and fell over.

Otto.

My man.

I knew you wouldn't betray me. 

Otto gave her a neck chop and Gullible fell unconscious. What a guy.

"Otto, you saved me!" I cried out, crawling over to him. "I knew we were still friends! I'll never betray your ideals again!"

"The only reason I incapacitated her was because I was worried she would notice my identity." Otto coldly said while looking down at me. Yeesh. So much for friendship. "You were right, she does not seem to be very observant. It is a lucky happenstance."

Wait.

"Why do you need to hide your identity?" I ask. Seriously, he's been doing that the entire time. Yet, he's got morals...

Of course!

"You were accused of a crime you didn't commit and were forced to go on the run in order to save yourself!" I shout out.

"That is completely wrong." Otto gave as his response. "I forgot that you are clinically insane."

Otto reached down and grabbed Gullible's sword before pointing the tip at me. Oh shit. This ain't good.

"I am an automaton, one of the rarer evolutions a golem can go through to get stronger. As I am officially recognized as a monster, I have no legal rights or entitlements. This is for good reason, as for the most part, automatons and golems have no sense of morality, and instead attack people indiscriminately. As such, it is necessary to keep my identity hidden when around other people."

...

So...

When I first met him...

I wasn't being completely racist when I was thinking about attacking him outright? Thank fuck, I can be a crazy bastard, but I don't want to be a crazy racist bastard,

Wait, that isn't important.

"Get that shit out of my face." I say as I slap the sword he has pointed at me away. "Weren't we friends? I thought we got along pretty well."

"I found your company enjoyable." He gave a short reply before continuing. "But over time you started to act more and more dangerously and irrationally. You started to act more and more on your own without seeking my approval. You stopped caring about me as a person. After I realized your total lack of ethics recently, I have decided that that was enough for me."

I feel like he's probably dropping a lot of truth on me right now, but I don't really want to deal with this. I feel like my heart is breaking. 

I'm not joking about this, I feel pretty fucking sad right now. All that time in the woods? We spent weeks fucking around together.

And now our friendship is over?

I'm hella pissed.

I'm not mad at him though.

I did this.

This was all me.

I fucked up our relationship.

I pushed too much.

I went too far.

I fucked up.

I treated life like a joke, because that's what it seemed to be. 'Oh, god being the lazy bastard he is, sent me off on a magical adventure to defeat evil and save an alternate world.' It seems fake. Artificial. Like it didn't really matter.

I treated everything like a joke.

Even the lives of criminals, I stopped caring about.

I...

I've kind of gone off the rails a bit.

Being in heaven gave me a little time to reflect. Not that I used my time in heaven well. I wanted to give them as much of a 'fuck you' as I could, considering they sent me here. 

But then I was told I was going to hell.

I thought about how Otto is acting like a good person should.

And I'm not.

And now I need to fix things. Not just because I'm going to hell, but because I'm going to hell for a reason.

"..." I didn't want to say it, but I had to. "I'm sorry."

Otto didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue.

"I acted like a selfish piece of shit. I treated you like shit, and I went off and did my own thing without asking your opinions." I sighed at what I was going to say next. "And I'll give back the treasures I robbed as well. Not that I remember their locations."

Otto still stood there in silence.

"Hey, Otto?" I call out to him. "Are you okay?"

"My apologies." He responded. "I was having trouble recognizing whether or not this was reality."

"... Okay, fuck you." I'm a little upset. "I'm trying to be serious for once in my life."

"I will not accept your apology." Otto said before pausing. "But, I will consider doing so if you make good on your promise."

A chance.

I'm being given a chance.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

"Thank you!" I cry out. "I'll never betray you again! I promise!"

"Good. Because I'm about to need your help."

"Huh?"

I finally noticed something was off.

Oh shit.

The guards are here.

So what they see right now is...

A young man on the ground in front of a monster with a sword and a cute young girl knocked out on the side.

...

"By order of the Evergreen Guards, put down your weapon and move away from the civilians!" One man shouts.

Otto is fucked.

Otto is so fucked.

Otto, my friend, you are about to get absolutely fucked up.

My bad. Running through the street and shouting about crazy robots is something that I did. That's on me.

However, the standing around and letting the guards surround us is totally on you. I'm on my hands and knees here, looking up at you. My vision is more restricted than yours.

Except you don't have eyes.

...

Yeah, let's just not blame anyone for this.

Other than Ms. Gullible. She gets the blame, because she's the one that acted the most like a dumbass.

So,

My friendly robot friend is surrounded by guards.

What are my options?

• Plan: Attempt to placate guards.
  • Result: They capture us both. Or kill us both. If they found out I let him in the city and caused that huge fire, they'll kill us both.
• Plan: Pretend Miss. Gullible is a criminal, and that Otto is just keeping the peace.
  • Result: They ain't believing that shit.
• Plan: Run the fuck away.
  • Result: I have a cramp. I ain't getting far.
• Plan: Fucking dying.
  • Result: Dying. 
• Plan: Kill the guards.
  • Result: Surviving for now, but I'm definitely going to hell for that.
• Plan: Subduing the guards.
  • Result: ???

So the last plan is the only viable one.

How do I do this?

"I said stand down!" One of the people in armor yells. Shut the fuck up, Otto is trying to figure this shit out too.

Operation: [Please Don't Send Me To Hell] is a go. 

I concentrate on my magic.

First, I need to incapacitate them, not kill them. That should be easy with my paralysis ability. Second, I need to escape with Otto before the reinforcements arrive. That should be doable as well. As long as Otto carries me, and I somehow figure out how to erase both our presences.

Third, we kill the receptionist at the Adventurer's Guild and pick up our IDs.

Yeah, I haven't forgotten about that fucker yet.

There will definitely be threats to his groin involving one stolen cheese grater.

First, the idiots in armor.

By the power invested in me by god himself...

I sentence thee to judgement by the gods.

And by the gods, I mean me. I judge you.

And I judge you to be...

In the way.

Zap.

Electricity went through the air before colliding with a guard.

Or it would have, if not for a large circle appearing in the air in front of him.

It was covered in symbols and looked magical as fuck.

I wanna do that.

The problem is that the lightning hit the circle and dispersed. I ain't got a clue where it came from, but I'll keep in mind not to mess with the guards again.

"The man on the ground is an accomplice! I repeat, the man on the ground is an accomplice!"

Okay.

So...

...

We're so fucking screwed.

I look up at Otto.

"Yeah, I got nothing."

Otto stayed silent. It almost felt like he was sighing, but without the lungs to sigh with.

"I am probably about to die. Do you have any ideas?"

Well...

"There is one idea... I have no idea if this will work, though."

I kind of forgot about this option until my talk with Phanny.

Space-time magic. Teleportation

Can it be done? 

NO FUCKING CLUE.

But this seems like a good time to try it.

So, I felt my space-time attribute.

I tried to use it, and felt reality distort on my fingers.

That ain't going to help. I need more finesse, not this shit.

I tried to guide it using my non-attributed mana.

Okay. I think this might work.

I surrounded myself in a bubble of magic while reaching forward to grab Otto's feet. I guide a path of non-attributed magic through the air until it exits the square.

Okay. This is kind of tiring.

But it won't be a problem if this works.

I concentrate with my darkness element. Darkness pulls in mana from the surrounding areas to keep itself going.

I'm going to take advantage of that ability to keep going.

I drag the mana in the air around myself to keep powering the spell.

I shouldn't have done that. 

My body can't handle this kind of mana.

Oh god, everything is pain.

Ah. Ahhh. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

"FURAAAAAAAAGH!" I shout, while trying to keep my spell together. Blood dripped from my nose. The guards started doing something, but I was too focused on the magic to care.

And then I activate it.

And Otto and I are gone from the square.

And we are dumped into an alley, two feet above the ground, slightly sideways.

As we fell to the ground, the only thing I could think about was the relief I felt. No more pain. 

Sweet bliss.

Sigh...

"Otto?" I call out. 

Silence greets me.

"Otto?" I try to turn myself over, but I can't move without finding myself in a ridiculous amount of pain. Okay, there were consequences for trying to use darkness magic like that. How about I never do that again. Yep. That's the smart option. 

Pushing through the pain, I look to my side to find Otto lying on his back.

"... I require an explanation." Was all Otto said. 

"And I require you to actually respond when I call out for you!" I said, a little pissed, and in a lot of agony. "Now help me up, I can't move."

"... Fine." Otto got up and walked over to me before lifting me up in a princess carry. "Let's escape."

"No, not quite yet." I said. "We have two things we need to do first."

"?" Otto cocked his head to the side.

"First, I need to return this trash I stole." I said. "Second, oh god, my lungs hurt. Okay. Second, we need our IDs from the Adventurer's Guild. Third, I need a fucking sandwich, because I'm fucking hungry."

"That alright with you?" I ask, looking up at Otto's face.

"That seems reasonable." Was the response given. "We can start with the Adventurer's Guild, as that may be one of the first place's the girl may go to."

"Got it. You'll have to bring us there."

Otto silently began navigating the streets, while I looked at my status.

Name:	Simon Harmes	Vitality	226	Mana Capacity	288
Ŗ͡a̡̧̛c̀̕e̛:	Human (98.9%), ???(1.1%)	Strength	226	Intellect	2͝҉̸4͟͡5̶͘
Age:	16	Agility	235	Wisdom	245
Level:	30	Constitution	226	P̡̫͍̺ͅe͓͉̜̮r̨̭̟̻̲̦̫̩c̭̞̱̜͕̱e̹p̘͇̦t̹i̱̼̲̹̪ͅon̥̘̝͟	265
Titles:			A͉̤̳̥͓̹̎̽̄̈́̃͂͡f̐̑͊ͣͮ҉͕͓̹͙̺͔ͅf̖̄͆̋ͫ̚͝ȋ̟͓ͣͭ̒ͫ͞n̐͗̈́̊ͦ̿̆҉̰̘̝̫ĩ̴͓͇̻͇͗ͯ̆̒ͭ̉ti̪ͥ̽̅̃ͩ̂e̵͉̊͂̏̋ͭͩs̡ͮ:
Blessed By G̶̛͔̣̱ͤ̔̓̽̇͞o̫̜͔̟͙ͥ̌̋̈ͬ͜d̵̡̦̲͎̞̘̤̪ͤ̋͐̎̈́̋ͬͧ̃ (L)			Water
Hated͏ ̵͘͡B̵̢̡̢͘ỳ̵̸͘ ̨̛̕͡A̴̧͟n Archangel (U)			Light
Automaton's Friend (R)			Darkness
A̸͟r͘͠ḉḩ͠enemy of Silver Leà̛f (R)			Pͨ̂̀̐͂ͩ͐ͧō̵̡ͩ͋̊ͥí̉ͧ͊ͣs̶͋́o̷ͦ̽́͂̎n͌̐̆̓̄͆̓̔
B̪*̷̩̥̳*̶*̥*͖̹̹̺̫̮*̝̰͝ͅ*͍ ̮͉(͓͍̥̼̪̗̻S)̞̟̟			Lightning
			Space-Time

 

Skills: Level: The Chaos of a Joker (U) NA @̨͏̶͡ơ̸/̶͏ŕ̕#̷̧͘*̡̧̀͞<͏͡&́҉̨!̧̛͢͞͝ (U) 1 Language Comprehension (R)  NA Presence Erasure (R)  4 Oracle (R) 3 Dagger Mastery (R) 2 Stealing (S) 8 Electricity Resistance (S) 2 Dissection (S) 2 Short Sword Skill (S) 2 Cooking (C) 8 Dashing (C) 8 Poison Resistance (C) 5 Dual Wielding (C) 2 Unarmed Fighting (C) 1

Magic: Level: Instant Cast (U)  NA Taint Magic (U) 2 Space-Time Magic (U) 1 Item Storage (R)  MAX Attribute Fusion (R) MAX Magnetism Magic (R) 4 Null Magic (R) 1 Darkness Magic (S) 8 Water Magic (S) 7 Body Strengthening (S) 7 Mana Scanning (S) 5 Light Magic (S) 3 Appraisal (C) 5

Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Let's not talk about the eldritch horror that's emerged on my status screen for one minute while I digest the rest.

I got myself a prayer based skill. Oracle. Noice.

Huh. So Item Storage is gone. I guess Space-Time magic did it.

I never thought about it, but Lightning magic became Magnetism magic. That's pretty cool. I guess I should try using magnetism some time.

...

Okay, time to address the elephant in the room.

What the fuck happened to my status?

What did Phanny do?

Human(98.9%)? And the other 1.1% is question marks?

Status screen, do your fucking job. 

Honestly, this is fucking scary to me.

And that unknown skill. I somehow feel like it may have something to do with this.

But I'm not sure how...

I hope to god, that lazy bastard, that skill does absolutely nothing. 

I would keep studying this, but my body is telling me to rest. I can't deal with this shit right now.

Hopefully, Otto will handle everything while I take a short nap.