It was finally time.

For war.

For battle.

For justice.

"No langer shall we allow oorselves tae be tread upon by they wha staun 'boon us. Ne'er again wull we be kept fae oor rightful steid as ahdventurers. This es oor moment, oor chance, th' ainlie chance we'll hae. We wull pat oor foot doon 'n' say, 'I wantae speak wi' yer manager.' 'N' even as th' high heid yin tries tae pacify us, we wull nae allow thaim tae. We wull fight! Fight fur oor rights! Fur oor--"

"Simon, this is wholly unnecessary." Otto cut in. "I also don't see the point of the strange voice your using."

MoThErFuCkEr.

The Scottish accent is not a strange voice. Think of all the whiskey people you've offended!

Oh shit.

I think about all the whiskey people I've just offended. 

I'm sorry, Scotland. 

Except I'm in another world, so they can't get me.

SUCK IT, SCOTLAND!

"Otto," I speak slowly. "Let me do my fucking speech, and then we can go get our shit, okay? I need this. It's not everyday I get the satisfaction of beating the shit out of someone who deserves it, so I need to savor this."

"So everyone else you have beaten up while we have been in the city have been undeserving of your attacks?"

"... Fine, the speech is over. Let's go."

"Um..." Lia spoke up. "I don't really get it... Why are we doing this?"

Right. Lia does not know of the horrors we've faced. The tribulations we were forced through.

I must enlighten her.

"We need our Adventurer's Guild IDs in order to travel more freely." Otto states. "However, we had problems talking with the receptionist at the guild. He and Simon did not get along, and both of them were annoyed with the other."

I'm annoyed again. Otto, stop stealing my chances at fucking with this adorable munchkin.

"But, but, but. I would like point out that he was the one at fault. I woke him up from a nap to get some shit done, and he spends the entire time trying to piss me off. And it worked. That BASTARD!"

Lia jumped a little at my shout, and Otto put a hand on my shoulder. I thought he was about to comfort me, tell me everything was going to be alright, but all he said was, "Please be less loud." 

Aren't we friends, you unempathetic screw head? Shouldn't you be more friendly? Or supportive? 

I see. I don't have any friends.

"So, uh, Mr. Otto..." 

"Is there anything you wish to make an inquiry to me about, Lia?"

"Why, um, why are you not trying to kill people?"

Woah.

What?

"Are you accusing my best friend of being a murderous sociopath with nothing more than the desire to kill others for his own enjoyment?" I let out a gasp. "Shame on you."

"If he's your best friend, then you are one sad piece of shit." Agatha commented from Otto's shoulder.

"Otto, the gag fell out."

"I will remove this issue at once."

"You bastar--" Agatha wasn't able to finish that comment in time. 

I'm so glad Otto gave me some wisdom. He said some very specific things I should say to Agatha in order to make sure she doesn't fuck us up, like not being allowed to make loud noises, attempt to attract attention, communicate with anyone other than me, Otto, and Lia, and a few other ideas. I'm glad, because I don't think I would have come up with all of that shit. Otto, I can only say one thing to you for all of that.

"Thanks."

"What she said was an insult to me as well. I was compelled to keep her silent as well."

After enjoying the silence for a second I turned to face Lia.

"Now, what were you saying about my definitely not psychotic robotic pal? Wow, that was a nice rhyme. Psychotic robotic. I mean, not psychotic robotic... What were we talking about?"

"... Nothing."

"Well that is A-okay." I put my hand up in the air and made my thumb and index finger into a O.

"Simon, I appreciate your attempt at defending me, but it has made me seem more akin to, as you put it, 'a murderous sociopathic robot.' Please allow me to explain who I am and how I act in future conversations of a similar nature."

"Fine, fine." I look towards the Adventurer's Guild. It's just down the street from where we're planning our attack.

"Also, I would like to confirm what you previously said. Are you speaking the truth?"

"Yes Otto, I do think you're not a crazy killer robot."

"That was not the information I was seeking for confirmation. As you put it, are we 'best friends?'"

"Yeah."

"..." Otto did not continue to speak.

Lia took this as her moment to ask questions. "... So, why are you attacking the guild? Can't you just go inside and ask for your IDs?" 

The rage reconsumed me. "Because that scum, that complete bastard of a man, that human piece of trash, that garbage with legs, that scrotum with a mouth--" 

"He was speaking with Agatha, directed us towards establishments that worked under SilverLeaf, and enraged Simon."

"Otto, I didn't even have enough time to go through half of my insults! I didn't even get to use 'man that still lives with his mother!'"

"Simon, I implore you to act more maturely. May we begin with planning our engagement?"

"Yeah, fine."

And so it begins.

* * *

As much as I hate to admit it, Agatha was helpful. 

Wait, I don't have to admit it. Fuck Agatha. She can suck it. 

She knew the layout of the adventurer's Guild, and had already had herself registered before. Apparently, he guild card was in her item box.

It was at that point I realized she had an item box. Remembered. Kind of. I did wonder where she had gotten all those arrows she shot at me, and it was all because of a little ring bronze she has on her pinky finger. Item boxes are apparently mostly item based. I had no idea, but since they knew I had space-time magic, they didn't think it was weird for me to have one without it being stuck to a pouch or some shit. 

Here was the plan:

I, being the amazing stealth expert, was going to circle around to the back of the guild in preparation for if things went south. Otto would be waiting out front to ward off potential threats and make sure everything goes according to plan. Lia was going to walk in the front entrance, show off a letter we forced Agatha to write, while also displaying the slave collar as proof she was under Agatha's control. 

Agatha would be left in a dumpster. Or the sewers. Someplace where nobody will find her. I asked if we should use her as a hostage, but I got turned off to that idea when I realized my mortal enemy didn't get along with her either. At all. No one can get along with that guy. Or this girl. The only reason he wasn't replaced was because it was hard to get a criminal working for the Adventurer's Guild.

Here was where the plan got dicey.

In the letter, we needed to come up with some excuse for him to show off where our IDs were or how to make them in case he destroyed them. This left two different alternative paths.

1. We send in Lia to get our IDs with an excuse like, "You're not privvy to that information." Agatha is above him in the hierarchy of evil, and so she outranks him enough to pull that shit.
2. Lia says that Agatha wants her to eventually work at the guild because she has no criminal record, is now loyal to SilverLeaf, and is cute enough to potentially trick people if she was a receptionist. She then spends a lot of time getting a run down on everything, including on how to make the IDs. After getting the information, she signals me, or leaves, and we go in to beat the shit out of 

This is the gamble. The big issue. If we do number one, we potentially have a better chance of getting the IDs, because then we can switch to number two if we just have Lia leave and come back in a couple hours. However, that will take time, and we don't know if he'll try to contact Agatha or someone else during this time. Number two is a more surefire way to get the IDs, as well as any extra information we would need regarding them, but this would take a lot more time than if option one was successful.

So, that left us with a dilemma. 

One or two.

"I believe option two would be the safest option." Otto remarked.

"Yes, it is the safest option. But is it the best option? No. If we run option one, we can also walk in to get our IDs remade if Lia leaves afterwards, with the excuse of Agatha really wanting the IDs. It has some risks, but it is a lot easier for us to ask for info from him directly."

"That is a fair point. I would like to point out that option two gives us the ability, albeit through Lia, to learn about information he may not be willing to directly give us, as he has shown himself to be hostile to us."

"But I'm the leader of the group, so you'll do what I want."

"You are definitely not the leader of this group. I have seen your strategic and leadership skills, and they are lacking in many areas."

"What, are you saying you're the leader of the group? You ain't got the skills either. And I'm not electing Lia as the leader, as she's our newest member."

"What is Agatha's viability for leader?"

I didn't say anything for a moment, trying to figure out how stupid Otto was, before I finally realized he was joking.

"You're a funny guy, you know that?"

"Yes."

"Fuck you. Not a fuck you for the joke, but a fuck you for the fact that you fucking hid the fact that you could tell me jokes for so long."

"Um, I think plan one is the better one." Lia finally took this moment to speak up.

"See Otto, even Lia agrees with my unparalleled genius!"

"Would you please inform us as to why plan two is less adequate?"

"Well..." She hesitated for a moment, and she began to pale a little. "It's, uh..." She hesitated for again. "The receptionist was a little... He..."

"SPIT IT OUT, WOMAN!" I lean over to her, and give her a shake. This is pissing me off. 

"AHHH! He was leering at me!"

Oh.

"Why the hell is that important? Just get the info and go." 

"But, if I go with him into the back, he may try to..." She trailed off, her face growing more pale.

...

"Ah."

Plan one, or as it is now called, [Operation: Yes Lolita, No Touch] is ready for action. 

And no, Lia is not a loli. She's matured beyond that.

Just a bit.

* * *

So, the plan is on it's way. I managed to find the back of the guild by going through multiple shady looking alleys, but they were pretty empty overall. There was one guy who stepped out with a knife, and it seemed like he planned to rob me, but making my fingers sparky scared him off a little.

That's to be expected. I'm a strong fucker now. If a random thug in an alley were to try and fuck with me, they would be poisoned in who knows how many ways, stripped of all their belongings, and hung upside down.

By their toes.

With nails.

...

I may have anger management issues.

The back of the guild was as hard to recognize as its front. The only reason I was sure I had the right place was because I walked back down the alley to grab the dumbass thief, just to confirm it. 

After confirming it, I knocked him out and stole his knife.

Hey, I may have robbed him, but it wasn't like I actually stole all his shit. He got to keep his clothes. His wallet on the other hand...

At this point, I may as well try for a dragon sized hoard of gold. I'm not even an eighth of the way there, but given enough time, I could probably manage it. Though, maybe not entirely through robbery.

Eh, I'll figure out how to rob my way there eventually. The normal way of getting the gold would be a little too much... Work.

Yeah, let's just keep doing it my way.

After finding the back entrance, all I had to do was wait.

...

And wait.

...

Actually, we didn't come up with a way to send each other signals, did we?

I should have thought this out more. Again. It's become a habit.

Fuck.

I'll just sneak inside a little, and hope for the best.

So, after slowly opening the door, I snuck in very quietly. The room was a complete mess. Papers were in tall stacks that tipped over across tables. There was food littered across the wooden floor. The place was a pigsty. I managed to here some talking happening inside. Lia was having a chat with Mr. Lives-With-His-Mother, but I couldn't quite make out the words.

I crept a little further inside. I wanted to understand how the conversation was going. 

"That bitch can't make me do anything." Spouted out the man worse than the demon lord. "Tell the cunt that if she wants them, then she can right the fuck down here herself."

Well, fuck. That doesn't sound good.

"But, if you don't give it, I don't know what I'll do... How can I get you to give them to me?" Lia, acting nervous as always. Why the fuck is she so damn nervous all the fucking time? It's annoying.

This kind of reminds me of a certain adult film I once saw. Uh, I mean... What's porn? Shit, I didn't even think the word porn before that point.

Wait a sec.

THIS SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, REMIND ME OF THAT GENRE.

We're strictly rated R around here, and when my movie is made, I'm not having my story taken out of the theaters for being a little too sexy.

I'm missing the point here.

I'll fix this. Somehow. Maybe magic can save us. After all, magic has solved all my problems.

...

Okay, maybe I can't magic my way to victory.

Time to think as hard as I can. HRRRRRRRRRGH!

Gasp!

Cue the Jimmy Neutron brain blast. I got an idea.

I make my way through the gross room, being sure not to step in or on anything. The floorboards faintly creak, but hopefully my advanced stealth techniques will save me.

I swear, this is more like a teenager's bedroom than a workspace. Now that I think about it, this is pretty much exactly what my bedroom was like, except with a bed. And modern appliances. Okay, the only thing it has in common with my bedroom is the trash. And the smell.

Now I'm feeling homesick.

FOCUS! I have to save Lia from her low budget adult film in the making.

Actually, this would just be rape. That's fucked up. Despite my stupid, I do really need to help.

I traveled towards the sound of the talking, and holy shit, Lia is not doing so hot right now. I really should have known she would be nervous, but she had this really determined look on her face when she left, so I thought she could do it.

The most gullible one of all managed to trick me.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I lurked over to a partially opened door, and found the reception room.

"If you don't give them to me, then... I'll get master to do something!" Lia, that's not how-- Wait, master? You're calling Agatha master? Is this some kind of role play?

Huh. Well, time to begin the plan.

"Yeah, I'm sure you will. But she'll have to come over here to do it." The soon to be robbed man responded. "Unless..." I couldn't see him, but I bet he was smiling. I heard it in his fucking voice. "I could give it to you for... Services rendered."

Wow. Basically, "Fuck me and you'll get your shit." Have some fucking class. Oh, look at Ms. Gullible, she's having her own little freak out session. Lot's of "Uhhh," "Ehhh," and the classic "Nooo." 

And...

Now.

...

Now.

...

My prediction skills are fucking worthless. Why the fuck won't--

The receptionist sat down, almost stumbling into his seat. He began to talk, but it came out in a weird gibberish. 

Yeah, I poisoned him. Not with anything too severe. I think. Just some basic nausea from the water attribute.

I may or may not have also tried spiking it with the space-time attribute for a bit of extra fun.

It's time to see the effects!

Oh, Lia's fucking panicking now. Someone should have told her what was going on. That someone being me. 

Whoops.

* * *

Welp, I have decided the the space-time poison is the best fucking poison, ever. And I mean it.

The guy was standing up and swinging his arms around, before falling to the ground. Sometimes he would say sentences that were understandable, but they were mostly nonsense. He said something about a green moose, and that's when I realized what I did to him.

I gave him some hallucinations, kind of? With the other stuff mixed in, I might as well just say it's magic LSD.

And Lia, for what its worth, did exactly what I would do in this scenario. Almost. She managed to stop panicking long enough to realize something.

This was an opportunity.

After a few minutes, she tied up the asshole and started raiding his desk. However, she forgot to strip him. 

Anyways, I was content to just watching to see what would happen. If the guy accidentally slipped out of delusions, he might notice me and then things could really go to shit. How? I don't know, but I'm being fucking careful. 

Well, and because I wanted to see how Lia would take initiative here. I am so proud. I always knew she had it in her. 

And maybe there was a small chance I just wanted Lia to do the work instead of me.

Actually, maybe I should be more careful around her. Or not, considering she was dumb enough to not fucking check the rest of the building for enemies. Common sense is not something she has a lot of.

Hopefully, she'll find my shit soon. I yawn. Might as well take a nap while she finishes up.