HURGMCGURG

Well, here's a chapter after a couple months. I don't know if I'm back or not, so you shouldn't really get your hopes up. Sorry for breaking your hopes and dreams, unless they were for my inevitable downfall. If they were for that, then fuck you, I'm back to spite you.

So, we go outside, we track the location again, but without the direction pointing us through a wall, and we're off!

Not immediately of course. I was pretty sure I would be able to requisition some more fund from this place, and whaddya know, I found a big pile of coins and a safe. I couldn't open the safe, though. It had some magic markings and shit, and I couldn't make heads or tails of it. Magic seems to be a lot more complex than I thought.

Oh well. Into my storage it goes. One day, I shall open you and claim your bountiful wealth. Until that time...

What was I thinking about again? Right, tracking down Cuntmuffin Mcgee and my stolen companion (slave). 

Yeah, we did that. I had to get a new reading with Lia's help every once in a while. They were still moving about, so I decided we should sprint in their direction when we had the opportunity. Seemed like the smart move. After all, I didn't want Agatha to mysteriously vanish, die unexpectedly, and then Lia to die as well. That's a recipe for disaster. 

Time to do the not stupid thing and take care of this. Why did Agatha have to try to run away?

Oh yeah. Because I was planning on getting her arrested or introducing Mr. Sword to her face if she tried anything stupid. Of course she's gonna run away if she thinks she can. Why the fuck isn't there some shit built into the collar that will prevent her from getting far away from me?

Wait a second. Is there?

...

Investigation time. La dee da, let's take a quick look at my collar. I have fucked the enchantments up a little to switch the slave shit but...

Huh.

If the connection between the collar and the bracelet gets weak then... Electrocution.

For my collar.

And if I try to tamper with the collar too much...

Electrocution.

Oh motherfuck.

Fuck shit cunt ass bucket of--

Calm. I am calm. I am standing in the middle of a grass field filled with daisies and lilacs and all kinds of happy fucking flowers. No swearing, dumb butt, I am a calm, rational man.

"Can we hurry the fuck up a little?" I say, not really doing the whole calm and rational thing super well. Fuck, we gotta go fast if we wanna catch them. 

"I would like to point out that we're already rushing around, and if we go to far, we might end up passing them before you once again check for their location." Otto stated. "At the speed in which we are traveling currently, we will most likely not rush past them or into them.

"Damnit." This all dickhead's fault. I still haven't gotten rid of my grudge with the receptionist of evil. What's his name, anyway? I forget. Did I ever learn it? Whatever. He can be known as...

Fuckface.

Perfectly accurate nickname. Sometimes I scare myself with my brilliance.

"Welp, let's go beat up fuckface, nab Agatha, tie her up, and get the fuck out of dodge." I say to Otto.

"Simon, you are forgetting something." Otto stated.

"What am I forgetting? My memory is perfect. As it always has and always will be."

"That was a ridiculous claim, even for you. I am referring to how you have forgotten how to return the various expensive items taken from unknown sources you currently have."

I stop in the street. Otto jogs past me, but then turns around as he noticed I'm no longer traveling beside him.

Where is Lia in this? Draped elegantly over my shoulder. It's best to keep the collars close, so I can make quick scans while we're jogging.

Whatever, back to whatever Otto just said. Hmmm...

"Shit." 

"Indeed." 

"Um..." Lia tries to interject. "What do you mean about returning items?"

"Well you see young one, I am not as perfect as I make myself out to be." I began. "The truth is, once upon a time, I was a thief. I am currently on a journey to return the wealth that I have stolen in order to redeem myself and make amends."

"I see..." Lia seemed to be thinking it over.

"Simon, you stole all of those items this morning." Otto pointed out.

Huh. I did, didn't I. Wow. This has been a pretty long day. It feels like it's been months since that point. It probably would have been shorter if the author would just fucking write this story instead of sitting on his ass, but what can you?

That was a strange thought. What was I thinking about again?

Oh, right. Otto just ratted me out again.

Fuck.

"Otto, I've repented. The lord above has yet to absolve me of my sins, but I'll put it back. This is a new start for me, man! Plus, those items probably would have gotten caught up in the huge ass fire that definitely wasn't my fault. Speaking of the fire, how we doin on that front?"

I turn in the general direction of where the burning was, and...

Nothing.

Guess someone else took care of it. Good on them. They're a bunch of problem solvers. 

...

I think it's a bad sign that I feel disappointed about this.

Yeah, that's a really bad sign. 

I need a psychiatrist to help me figure out my shit. 

I set down Lia so I can... Okay, I've got no particular reason. I just don't wanna carry her right now.

"I mean," I continued my original train of thought. "I got myself almost enslaved to a bitch because I was trying to turn the stuff in at the guards post, okay? If the guards are this corrupt, I wonder how the rest of the town is doing on that front. I'll just go ahead and call all the nobles corrupt considering all have them have left town when their job is to take care of the damn place."

"... That was not something I had considered." Otto responded. "I suppose you may keep the items for now. Please use them in a selfless manner."

"How about donating them to the human fund? I'm certain that the future recipients will put those funds to good use."

"Simon, I am not entirely sure what you mean, but I believe you are suggesting that you would be keeping the money. What is the human fund?"

"The human fund is 'money for people.'" 

Lia took that moment to chime in. "That sounds like a species supremacist group. Are you sure that they're good people?" 

I realize that I'm living in a world where there are probably quite a few more sentient races than humans. Shit. A guy tries to make a Seinfeld joke, and now he's racist. 

"Hey, looks like we're getting closer to Agatha. You guys should stop talking about that so we can focus on the recapturing of our least favorite group member." 

"Simon, I would prefer it if you were to-"

"SHHHHHHHHH--" I shush him. "--HHHHHHut your mouth."

"... I do not have a mouth."

...

He's not wrong. His face is literally a hunk of metal.

"Stop being noisy, wise guy."

After today, I'm going to find a bar and get absolutely fucking hammered. That's happening. And if someone tries to stop me, I'll use my dagger on them as a butt plug. 

We stop outside a rather normal looking building. The streets seem to be empty here as well, but it looks like this area is residential. Lots of apartment areas and shitty looking houses.

Really, this city looks fucking terrible. I get that the monster wave or whatever the fuck is coming, but that can't be all that's going on here, right?

"Hey, what the fuck is wrong with this city?" 

"..."

"Hey, Otto."

"..."

I sighed. "Yeah, I get it. You can talk already."

Otto still didn't say anything.

"Uh..." I noticed what direction he was facing, and I looked the same way. "Ah, shit."

It was a group of guards. Four guards, to be precise.

They were walking down the street. And we were... Well, we weren't in the middle of the street. We were off towards the edge, basically where they would put sidewalk, but there wasn't any sidewalk to walk on. 

The street was still completely empty except for us.

So they were looking right at us.

"Act natural, buddy." I said to Otto. "Everything will be--"

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" One of the guards shouted while sprinting at us.

"Why would you tell them we're coming after them, you--" Another guard started sprinting after the first one.

"TIME TO GO!" I turned around to see more guards coming up behind us. Ah yes, the classic pincer maneuver. Fuck. "Not that way!" I looked around before coming to the obvious answer.

I'm really becoming a master of breaking and entering these days.

I kick down the door of a building near us and sprint inside. I turn around, and what do I see? Bunch of people waiting to be arrested. "OTTO, GET YOUR SHINY METAL ASS OVER HERE! LIA, STOP ACTING LIKE A DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS AND GET YOUR REAR END IN GEAR!" I shout as I rush through the house. The two of them belatedly catch up with my genius and run into the building after me.

Now, we could fight these guards, and maybe we'd win, but I don't know how strong these pieces of shit really are. Getting my ass killed sounds likely, and so does being captured and delivered back to Agatha where we just get tossed in a hole for eternity, but with the power of stealth, I'm sure I can escape.

Too bad one of my friends over here forgot to oil his fucking hinges. 

I don't mean that literally. I don't think he actually needs to oil his joints. I mean that he has the same amount of subtly when running as a sneezing elephant in the china shop. Everything is noise, everything is loud.

Honestly, it probably comes with being made out of metal and being strong. Things seem to... Break a little. Like that flimsy ass floorboard right there. Yup, that's Otto's foot in the ground.

And that's Otto's face hitting the ground.

And that's a lot of guards rushing insiOH FUCK!

"OTTO, NO!!!" I run back, rushing past Lia who bolts to the side to let me pass. "DON'T TOUCH MY BEACON OF MORALITY!"

I hop over Otto, who's struggling to get up, and summon up a big ball of water to throw at them. Water and poison. 

The guards, shocked by my turning to face them, raise their shields, only to have the water splash onto and over it. A magic spell of some kind seems to be on the shield that gets rid of the water when it touches it, but the water still got in their helmets and on their faces.

"OTTO, GET THE FUCK UP AND oh hey, you're already running away. Well, that's fine too." Yeah, Otto's already running again. Lia's already out of sight, so I hope she left the building already.

Time to go.

"See ya later, suckers!" I shout as I start sprinting away from the guards.

"Thunder Bolt!" One of the guards yells, before I'm promptly electrocuted. 

...

I really underestimated these guys, didn't I? They've got magic defenses, magic spells, weapon proficiency... It's like they've been training for a long time to work as a guard, and I've been trying to kick their ass with maybe a month of experience in fighting really terribly.

Oh wait.

I stumble and slow down for a moment while dealing with the shock, but pick up speed as I start rushing magic through my body.

I rush out the back of the house into an alley and find Otto and Lia sprinting away. I follow them while spouting a wide variety of curses. Lots of damns, sons of various female dogs, and a couple of fatherless children. There was also a lot about male sexual organs, but that doesn't matter much.

I was almost swearing too loudly to notice a distinct lack of metal boots hitting the ground. I looked behind me and stopped to laugh.

"HAHAHA! You fools! You fell victim for one of the classic blunders!"

The guards were slowly trying to move towards me while groaning, but being on the ground while mostly paralyzed would not reward their efforts.

Everything went according to plan. 

I'm a genius.

Then I started hearing more clanking noises. At the same time, Otto and Lia ran past me. 

I turned around again to see more guards rushing down the alley.

Time to go.

I rush after Otto and Lia, who leap over the guards, while I run straight over glorified tin cans. They've got armor, they can take it. If not, then they're not really gonna go far as guards. It's just the way things work. It's how things pan out.

So when that guard I accidentally kicked in the face grabbed my leg, I knew he wasn't a great guard. I mean, who heard of law enforcement actually trying to put effort into their jobs? It's ridiculous. 

I just wrenched my foot away and kept running.

"Lia! Get over here for a moment!" I shout over to her as we strategically retreat. "I need to see where our friendly friend is hiding!"