7 – True Adventures Do Not Consist of F***ing Around In The Woods.
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So, yeah. Mr. Automaton is still following me around. He doesn't seem to eat anything, or ask for anything, or do anything other than playing music, so I have no reason to get rid of him other than the fact that he's an eerie motherfucker. I decided to call him Otto, because I'm so original in my naming sense. He doesn't seem to have a problem with it, and when I've called his name, he responds, so I don't think he's annoyed by it. I think. Well, for all I know, he may think of me as Hugh the Human, so I guess this is fine. Wait, I've never introduced myself. Oh well, he can ask me if he's curious. 

I've been out here for another week and a half. My stealth skill and my item box evolved into higher ranked abilities and gained new names, concealment and item storage respectively. When I looked at myself when using concealment, it was hard to identify where my hands actually were. I was able to stand in front of a rabbit for twenty seconds without it noticing. This is one of the coolest things I have ever done in my life. My threat level has just risen a couple of notches. Look out, world!

The item storage is pretty cool as well. There isn't much of a change since the item box, except I can take things out instantly into my hands. I've since stuck the knife on my ankle in there, as it's faster to just pull it out of thin air. I'll miss you, ankle knife. 

But, now I need higher leveled foes. My leveling speed has reached a slump. Right now, I think I'm at the limit of what I can do with self taught magic and skills as well. I need someone to show me how to use my skills better, and I don't see Otto learning to use magic anytime soon. 

"Otto, can you teach me some magic?" He just stared back at me. I get the feeling this is him asking me, 'What the hell are you on?' Come on, I won't truly know until I ask. 

"Fine, forget it. Can you teach me any fighting techniques?" He gestured grandly at his lute. I was confused. He then grabbed it by the handle and brought it over his shoulder, before swinging it through the air. I'm not sure what kind of fighting style that is, but I'm not sure I want to learn it. I thought bards would charm their enemies with their rad as hell songs, not beat them to death with their instrument. Goddamnit.

Well, overall, I've handled the forest well. What was it called again? I remember pajama girl giving it a name like Greenwind or Greenwood, or something like that. Hopefully, I'll be able to remember before I make a fool out of myself when I visit the town. Maybe I can just pass it off as having a bad memory. Actually, that could give me an excuse for a lot of things, saying I'm forgetful as a goldfish amnesiac. "I don't remember 'blank' because my memory is bad." GG, easy. 

So, it's time to leave the forest. Perhaps Otto will help me enter the city. Goodbye, forest I forgot the name of. I will never forget the great times I had here. Except I'm a goldfish amnesiac. Well, it's time to go to the city. Hopefully, they'll just see me as someone who's a little weaker than most now. Hopefully. God, I'm so fucked. 

So, I've created a life plan for myself for when I leave. 

  1. Register as an adventurer or mercenary
  2. Find companions that can help me kill the demon king
    1. Maybe get a harem if I'm a real protagonist. Probably not. Those kinds of adventures are annoying anyways.
  3. Go on an adventure to kill the demon king
    1. Get hella strong and shit. Maybe find some legendary gear. 
  4. Kill the demon king.
    1. Rob his shit. He's gotta have some treasury I can pilfer from.
  5. Buy a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
  6. Live off of the money I've gained by working as an adventurer or mercenary (Or by robbing the demon king).
    1. Die after I've destroyed the world, pranking the shit out of glasses and god. Now, wouldn't he find that hilarious?

Okay, the last one is a joke (mostly). The plan is pretty flexible, as the best plans are. So, first step. Time to go become an adventurer or something.

Here's my status after killing everything I could find in the forest.

Name: Simon Harmes Vitality 174 Mana Capacity 227
Race: Human Strength 174 Intellect 190
Age: 16 Agility 182 Wisdom 190
Level: 24 Constitution 174 Perception 208
Titles: Affinities:
Blessed By God (L) Water
Hated By An Archangel (U) Light
Automaton's Friend (R) Darkness
  Poison
  Lightning
  Space-Time

 

Skills: Level:
The Chaos of a Joker (U) NA
Language Comprehension (R)  NA
Concealment (S)  2
Dagger Technique (C) 8
Dismantling (C) 7
Cooking (C) 6
Poison Resistance (C) 3
Short Sword Technique (C) 3
Dual Wielding (C) 2
Magic: Level:
Instant Cast (U)  NA
Item Storage (R)  1
Moisture Magic (C) 7
Shine Magic (C) 3
Shadow Magic (C) 3
Electric Magic (C) 3
Mana Sense (C) 2
Appraisal (C) 1
   

Oh yeah, I also got an appraisal skill. Score. Now I can view other people's information. Well, right now, all it shows is their name and race. Otto had his name shown as Otto, so maybe it just recognizes him as whatever I choose? Well, appraisal is shit right now, so I'll have to figure it out later. 

So, onto the real adventure!

"So Otto, I'm going to the city now."

Otto did that thing where he cocks his head to the side. I guess he wants an explanation.

"Well Otto," I began. "I've kind of got something to do. If you want to come with, you're completely welcome to. Do you want to come?"

Otto waited for a few moments before eventually nodding. Great, I've got someone to show me the ropes. Hopefully I won't look too stupid with his help. 

I never ended up running into another wolf like the first night. Maybe he was the boss of this place. In that case, aren't I the new boss? Hell yeah. It's a shame I'm leaving then. 

So, on this morning, Otto and I set out to the north.

* * *

So, I'm walking through the undergrowth. You know, it's not easy walking off the roads. In shows and movies they often portray pretty empty forests with dirt floors, but this place is a mess of bushes. Walking through it is hell. I would use my knife to cut through it, but I'm not sure I should. Might make it dull real fast. I'm not sure how to fix this shit, so I need to be careful with it. When I get to town, I'll just buy a shit ton of knives. Boom, then I won't need to worry about losing one or two. 

And finally, after a few weeks of living in the woods, the first sign of civilization. ROADS!

Well, it's more like a big dirt path, but we'll take it! 

I wonder if they have flush toilets in this world? Maybe they made something with magic. No more shitting in the bushed for me, I'm shitting going to be shitting in pots from now on!

However, I've been going north, while this road runs east to west. I ain't got a fucking clue which way to go. It's important to make the right choice. Hmmm.

"Otto, which way to the city?" When in doubt, rely on the locals. 

Otto's eyebrows moved up. I got the feeling he was exasperated. Why are you exasperated, I don't know where we are either! You should know this better than me, I mean, you live in the area! For fucks sake, bro, get it together.

Well, now what. I guess I can flip a coin or something.

I took out my sword and stuck the very tip on the ground. Then, I let it go. We go in the direction the sword falls in!

It falls directly towards the south.

I want to kill myself.

Otto just picks a direction, and we walk to the west. 

This has probably been the worst adventure in what will be the great Odyssey of Simon, Hero of the World. Better make sure not to tell the historians about it. Especially not the shitting in the bushes part.

* * *

Remember what I said about being the wolf being the boss of the woods? I changed my mind.

This thing... Has to be the boss of the woods.

I don't even know what the fuck this thing is.

It's like this big, fleshy, disgusting blob of... Just what the fuck.

God, why would you make something like this? Did you get drunk with a pile of Play Doh one day, make a ball, and said, "This is my greatest creation." or some shit. Because if you made this thing, I'm going back up there to punch you. Lazy bastard.

How the hell would it even reproduce? It's just flesh. It's literally, just a fifteen foot tall, lump of gross, slightly festering, skin and muscle.

I changed my mind. I'm not going to town. I'm not going anywhere. I'm getting the fuck out of this world. 

Even Otto looks creeped the fuck out, and he's now the second creepiest fucker I've ever met, with the first being Mr. Ball-O-Grossness over here. 

Now, do I want to fight this thing? No. It can stay as the boss of the forest. I don't want to touch that fucker ever. It's a good thing that I'm about fifty feet away from that thing. I never want to get close to it. 

The problem is...

"Why the fuck is it just lying in the center of the road?"

I would normally go around this thing. However, eventually, people are going to come down the road and see this shit-ball. So, I can kill it now, and walk past it with a fuck ton of more experience... Or I can wait until some people come down the road, watch how they deal with it, and then kill the monster if they need help. 

I like plan B more. Maybe they'll give me a reward if they're nice. Yup, plan B is the way to go.

"Come on, Otto. Into the bushes. Let's get ready to scam some people."

Otto looked at me with what I am sure is some form of disapproval. Don't be that way, buddy. Daddy needs a new pair of daggers.

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