"Find Daryl and bring him here alive!"
Everyone started seeking for the youth when they heard their leader's command. The first spot, that was being sought was his tent. A group of men were gathered before the entrance and they started screaming, "Daryl, you're being accused of murder! Get out of the tent, immediately!"
They quietly waited for ten seconds, but there was no reply. They entered the tent, but it was empty...
"F*ck, he's not in here! Don't just stand there, start looking!"
The camp was quite a large one, it spaced around 70 people, most tents where shared. Every tent was being sought.
I panicked, this was my fault and now Daryl was going to pay. He came up with the idea, so it's his fault technically... Wait, why am I thinking this?
I ran outside and tried to find him before the others, he must be in the forest at the place we last were. I tried to sneak away as quietly as possible, but I ran against something hard again. It was the leader... He pulled my arm and looked me in the eyes. He didn't look quite amused.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"I need to pee, so let me go!"
"Nonsense, you know where he is, don't you?"
"No, I don't! Just let me go!"
I tried to break free from his grip, but his hands were just too strong.
"I know that little rascal did it for you... I can't believe he would do such a stupid thing... Just for a girl! ... For everything that we did for him." The leader sighed. He was clearly disappointed, but that turned soon to anger. "I should've let that boy die on the streets, where I found him! How could he betray my trust so much! That thrash."
He then looked at me and got an idea, it was apparently an evil idea because his face was readable like a book.
"I treated you so nicely and this is what I get back? Betrayal from one of my subordinates. Just because a little b*tch like you seduced him!"
What? I didn't even seduce him? What nonsense is he spurting out?
He picked his knife and held it against my throat.
“Too bad I'll have to kill a pretty girl like you, I should've f*cked you, when I had the chance!“ He wanted to make a quick slash, but he stopped when a familiar sight came into his vision.
"Stop! I'm turning myself in," said a voice.
"Daryl!" I screamed. I was extremely happy to see him.
He looked at me and smiled, he then focussed his attention on the leader, he dropped all of his weapons and spoke, "I'm turning myself in, let Lena go, it's not her fault. This was a choice I made myself, I knew the consequences beforehand. Just the feeling that I was useful for her made me do it."
He then looked at me and smiled, "I wished we could've spent more time together."
My heart stopped for a moment and I became as red as a tomato. I wanted to scream, but I knew this wasn't the moment. I wanted to say something, but the leader interrupted me.
"That was very valiant, but that doesn't change the fact that you betrayed me! Come on, get him!"
He pointed his sword at Daryl, while the men held his arms. Daryl didn't even bother resisting. He just stood still, letting himself get caught. His head hang down and he just looked at me. His kind eyes looked right through me. He had a look in his face as if he had accepted his fate. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't get a single word out of my throat.
The men kicked him behind his legs. He fell to the ground, landing on his knees. His pants torn and leaving behind a small scar, but he didn't even flinch.
The leader walked step-by-step towards Daryl. He looked at him, but Daryl didn't look him in the eyes. The leader unsheathed his sword and pointed it at his neck. Some of the men—who were holding Daryl—were grinning, they were glad that he was going to die. They thought he was annoying and an opportunist, anyway.
"Any last words?" The leader asked.
No answer...
The leader sighed, he gathered all his might and swung his sword.
"Stop!" Daryl screamed.
The leader was confused and stopped his swing.
"Don't kill me..."
"And why shouldn't I?"
"Because I'm the first-born son of Siegmar von Bassewitz!"
The leader was shocked, he dropped his sword to the ground. His mouth was so wide open that it nearly touched the ground. The men nearby were also in a state of disbelief. They didn't believe it.
"Proof it!" One of them screamed. Soon everybody started shouting, they were calling him a liar and started calling names.
"You're bullshitting us!"
"He's just desperately trying to stay alive! Don't listen to him, just kill him!"
The leader soon regained his posture and started screaming again, "Shut up idiots!"
He then looked at Daryl and asked, "Do you got any proof?"
Daryl nodded and reached in his pouch. All eyes were now fixed on him. Most people thought he was bluffing, but they soon went quiet when they saw what he retrieved from his pocket. It was a fancy-looking pocket watch, which was completely made out of gold. The leader's eye went wide open. He wasn't quite convinced yet, so he doubtfully asked a question, "How do we know that you just didn't steal it from a noble and that you're not bullshitting us?"
He rolled his eyes, and said, "If only you were more patient..."
He opened the watch and showed it to the leader. His jaw sunk straight through the floor. Inside was a beautiful, miniature painting of Daryl's face. It looked exactly like him, only was he still a young boy there, but the resemblance was obvious. There was even a text—written in beautiful cursive—with his name in it.
Daryl von Bassewitz
The leader was still in disbelief, but this was pretty much proof that everything he said was the truth. He and his men still couldn't quite believe it and were still in shock. It became extremely quiet. I was probably the most confused confused of the bunch, Daryl once told me he used to be some kind of noble, but I didn't know that it was such a big deal. His family must be quite powerful and famous from the looks of it.
The leader recovered and quickly started to speak, "We'll reach the Great city of Hofstead in about 56 hours in walking distance. From there I'll use the transcommunication-services to contact your family. The reward for finding the lost son of the Von Bassewitz family is huge enough to last me and my men several generations."
Greed could be seen in his eyes. He rubbed his hands and started talking to himself. He could already see himself swimming in gold, lots of it. But his thoughts were soon shattered when the young man spoke again.
"There's only one term, I want to make," said Daryl.
The leader squinted his eyes and said, "Say it."
Daryl looked and pointed his finger at me.
"I'm buying her."
I'd like to point out some observations and suggestions for future character developments to keep it believable.
1: The people around Lena treat and talk to her like she is an adult. Keep in mind that she is 6 years old for everyone but her since she is the only one who knows her own actual age. The leader calling her a slut is somewhat weird?
2: For the last couple of chapters Daryl or the Leader asked her repeatedly if something were wrong when she was in a bad mood or crying while you could hear the crying and screams of the woman who got raped. Lets not forget her situation as a slave to be. Are they dumb or detatched from reality to ask such a question? It feels somewhat unbelievable to ask those questions.
3: For future potential developments between Daryl and Lena. Lena should seriously ask herself the question what she feels for a person who falls in love with a kid. Someone who is helping willingly to plunder villages, kills innocent people and enslaves woman. Its not like he is forced to do so but still does it out of his own volition. Even if he helped to put her mother out of her misery he also helped to capture them in the first place.
I think her mental age should be high enough to comprehend those facts.
Just some stuff I noticed
yea number 2 is really making it hard to focus on the story. like do they think she should be ok with what's going on around her? i mean i guess if they were trying to brainwash her because they only saw her as a child or something it'd be a bit more believable. but it's like they genuinely don't understand why a child who knows her mother is being r*ped, was just kidnapped and about to be sold into slavery would be even the slightest bit upset. more over it's really offputting that the story is trying to portray anyone on the bandit's side as a good guy. even daryl is just a bandit in the end. why is lena falling for the guy? granted her life up until now hasn't been the best, but still right?
@UncrownedKing Well, her life actually has been a happy one for the years in the new world and even got somewhat rid of her hatred towards woman until their village got raided by the bandits, including Daryl.
@Thor wasn't she getting bullied or something that didnt stop until like a year ago? i may have skimmed that chapter
@UncrownedKing Oh yeah, true. Well she atleast found a good friend and her parents were nice and got along. Well, regarding the bully stuff, with her mental age it shouldnt have bothered her too much and she should have found a way to get along with the other children if she really wanted to.
Thanks for the suggestions, I realised my mistake on your first point and replaced the word 'slut' with bit*h.
Your second point is a really good one, I hadn't thought much about that yet and I might rewrite the chapters, and the last one I might to brainstorm a while before i can think that plot up, but thanks for suggestions i try my best to fix the plot.
@KinksterBanana No problem, Im glad to help.
Point 1 is an easy fix.
Point 2 is somewhat harder because I think you wanted Lena and Daryl to become closer in some way and the conversation starter: "What is troubling you?" would be a good opener if the situation and people involved would be way different.
Point 3 is the hardest to fix because it built on Point 2, the caring approach from Daryl. But that is only true if you had a meaningful relationship planned for them in the future that is atleast cordial. Because as it is, Lena should objectively only feel hatred for him. Even after killing her mother and buying her as a slave it shouldnt change much about their relationship because those are not really 'good' deeds.
What I didnt mentioned before were her reactions towards her friend in the village with the blushing or in this chapter with her becoming red as a tomato after some cheesy statement. She blames it on her hormones but she is just six. At that age there are no hormone-induced reactions. Easy fix would be to raise her age to 11 or 12. At that age the hormones are starting to go wild and it wouldnt even disrupt the flow of the story if you dont have something important planned for the time in between. It would also make Daryl and the banditgang just plain pedophiles instead of ultra-pedos.
Just some thoughts and suggestions. Think about it and only do or change the things you are comfortable with.
A small tip: Write down your desired conversation and then try to role-play the interaction in your head. Take their personality, background and circumstance into account and see if it makes sense. Its not easy in the beginning but it helps to formulate logical conversations.
@Thor
he truth is that unless I see him as a brother I do not see much sense to him, he thinks that, first he was a man who hated women and thought that they only served to f*ck, that clarifies that he was heterosexual (at least from my point of view ), then, the story has the label of GIrls Love and at no time does it say that the protagonist is heterosexual, although this can be seen later, but it seemed quite anticlimactic to all, the truth that a character is saved by plot armor does not I like very much.