43.The Valkyrie’s Mind
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Elena Ren'Lai, this is the name was given to me at birth by my mother.

My mother, an unfortunate woman who had ended up with a slave collar fixed around her neck when she was just a child, Bela Ren'Lai.

My father, the man who freed my mother from a tragic fate and removed from her neck the slave collar that condemned her to the life of a slave, Armand Eis Lutrel.

I know little about my mother's past, she only told me the name Ren'Lai had a glorious past.

As for my father, Lutrel is a name that anyone would recognize, it is the name of the city in which I was born, and it is the name of the Marquis family that governs this city.

My father, Armand Eis Lutrel, was the Marquis, a high-ranking nobleman.

I grew up next to my mother, with no kind of concern, and despite the distant attitude of my father and his absence, I did not worry about it. I thought this was what a family comprised; in a loving and kind mother, and in a cold, distant and absent father.

Little by little I understood my reality, not from the mouth of my mother or my father, but from what I heard from conversations between other people.

To my father, Marquis Lutrel, my mother was less than a concubine, my mother was just a freed slave on whom to my father pour his low desires.

I didn't really care what my mother was, or how my father saw her, my mother loved me deeply and my father was always absent, this was the only important thing for me.

However, once I heard the story that gave me origin; about my father in a drunken state forcing my mother, I was filled with anger.

To my surprise, my mother downplayed the matter and made me promise I would never hate my father. There was no way I could refuse to accept my mother's request, which is why I ended up forcing myself not to hate my father. Today I know the truth about my origin, but at the time it was difficult for me to fulfill the promise I made to my mother.

My peaceful life was abruptly interrupted when my father recognized me as his daughter. My name changed from Elena Ren'Lai to Elena Eis Lutrel, and my own life took a complete turn.

To help me adjust more easily to my new life, my father appointed my mother as my personal maid. Today I know this was just a lie, as I also know the bitter truth behind the reason my father took me to live in the Lutrel Palace. My mother did not have much time left.

I met my half-siblings, Marla Eis Lutrel, my older half-sister, a beautiful young lady with dark blonde hair who had inherited my father's intimidating aura and her mother's aggressive gaze. It was difficult for me to understand this older half-sister, although her attitude and her face showed contempt for me, sometimes I could see in her eyes a faint glint of regret. It was as if she was forcing herself to disown me. Nowadays things have changed, maybe for the sake of my father I should try to get closer to her, I was always curious about what was going through her mind about me.

My older half-brother and my father's heir, Richell Eis Lutrel, a complicated person, but simple. At first, he just looked at me with contempt, but little by little he showed a deep hatred for me, and I could never understand the reason for this because I never gave him reasons to hate me. Although for the sake of my father I have no intention of seeking revenge for what this piece of trash tried to do to me, the hatred I feel towards him will probably never go away.

My second older half-brother, Darrel Eis Lutrel, chose to ignore my existence and when it was necessary for him to look at me, his eyes only showed contempt for me. I'm still trying to get used to his recent change in attitude, that way he calls me 'little sister', gives me some chills.

Then there was Hans Eis Lutrel, my father's younger brother, a man whose gaze always struck me as disgusting, but with whom I only got to cross a few words. I still do not understand this person, but his gaze continues to be disgusting.

At the head of this family were Zerina Eis Lutrel, my father's wife, and the mother of my three older half-siblings. In her eyes, there was only contempt for me, and from her lips, only harsh criticism emerged towards any failure that I incurred. She definitely hated me, but her hatred had limits, she never crossed the line of physically assault me and she never attacked or turned her hatred towards my mother, which is something I will always thank her for, how could a simple freed slave have faced to the wife of a Marquis?

Encouraged by my mother to become a noble lady, I worked diligently in every class Harlan prepared for me. The instructors who initially treated me coldly slowly changed their attitude towards me, comparing me with Darrel seemed to be their best way to praise me, I never really understood it, I was just trying to fulfill my mother wish.

After several weeks of ill and despite the many doctors that my father brought to treat her, my mother died but not before making me promise to her I would be strong and find my happiness. That day my world lost color, the food stopped having flavor, loneliness filled my days and my life was surrounded by a coldness that could not be erased by anything.

I continued to push myself because of the promise I made to my mother and to pay my father for allowing us to always be together, and for not sparing in trying to heal her. My father was most likely devastated by the death of my mother, but this is something my grief never allowed me to see.

Then it was that what seemed written to take my life to my current situation happened, that piece of garbage tried to abuse me.

 I don't really remember much about what happened, maybe my mind has blocked most about it, to protect itself. The only thing clear to me is that my mother advised me to always carry a small dagger hidden in my clothes. If I think about this carefully, it is likely my mother was afraid of Hans Eis Lutrel.

My memories are clear regarding what happened after. My father totally enraged, screaming, and breaking everything within reach of his hands. At that moment I felt that the world was coming upon me, I assumed that I had lost my place and my only ally. His daughter had suffered attempted rape and his son was on the edge of death. Which of the two sides should my father support? He probably wasn't able to understand it at the time either, and all he could do to deal with such a situation was to let anger take control of his emotions. As a victim, I still think I must have been my father's priority, but I cannot judge him since I cannot understand what he must have felt.

Fearing my father's anger and his family's revenge, I fled that same day despite not understanding where to go.

I left Lutrel and ran down a path that led to an unknown direction without looking back. It was strange that nothing happened to me, the world is a sinister place, but this was something that I did not understand. Without knowing it, my father was protecting me from the shadows.

After accepting the help of various merchants who kindly offered to allow me to ride their wagons, I made my way to Lendolf. I was never lacking in food and accommodation, people kindly offered me food and the inns allowed me to occupy a room at the price of doing simple tasks like cleaning or washing dirty dishes. This was undoubtedly my father's doing, but at the time I naively thought these people were being nice people.

Once in Lendolf, my only path became clear, I was to join some Knights Order to stay safe from the revenge from the Lutrels.

I joined the Order of Saint Eclestine, and that's how I understood the true nature of the world.

The other female knights gave themselves to the superiors of the order to lessen their workload or elevate their own positions, and accustomed to this kind of 'privilege', these disgusting men sought me to do the same as those women.

Inevitably the gaze of those men reminded me of Richell, and my days turned into hell.

At night I would block my bedroom door and holding on to a sword while keeping a dagger hidden under my pillow.

All men are trash. This was my way of thinking back then. My mother had been attacked by my father, I had been attacked by my own older half-brother, and now the surrounding men were looking for the same. Inevitably, I feared and hated men.

I forgot part of the promise I made to my mother, to seek my happiness, and trained hard to protect myself and to stay alive for as long as possible. Although life no longer had meaning to me, I had to keep myself alive for the sake of my promise.

Unfortunately, I discovered that I had no talent for the sword or magic. Long hours of bitter crying were added to my precarious nights of little sleep.

How many times did I come to think my life would be so much easier if I agreed to be like the other women in the Order and give in to the disgusting demands of high office? But that was not a path for me. If I became that kind of woman, I would fail my mother and my situation would not make sense. I had ended up like this because I protected myself from my half-brother. If now I agreed to use my body to make my life easier, then wouldn't it have been easier to allow Richell to abuse me?

Time passed slowly and all I could do was cope with my situation with helplessness and bitterness. But this did not help much. The insistence of those disgusting men grew day by day and when they got are tired about my reluctance, finally, an opportunity presented to them to 'punish me'. I was sent to a battlefield on behalf of the Order.

I left Lendolf resigned to meeting death on the battlefield. Who would say by finding death, I would also find a great power at the price of accepting very heavy and bitter shackles.

Nobody forced me to accept, despite seeing the immense bitterness and deep hatred preceded by this great power, I ended up accepting, naively thinking all this had nothing to do with me.

I felt invincible, full of power, and capable of shaking the entire world if I wanted to. My mind was overwhelmed by this ancient power, and I did not hesitate to take the lives of those who tried to stand in my way.

Most likely, had she not appeared in my path, Nia, my mind would have been totally overwhelmed by power only to be taken over by overwhelming grudge from remote antiquity.

With Nia on my side, little by little I was recovering everything I lost the day my mother died.

Nia's sincere smile made the food regain its flavor.

The warmth of her fragile body dissipated the cold that had been with me since the day my mother died.

The softness of her skin made me feel alive, and the taste of her lips caused my world to recover its colors.

Without realizing it, I yearned for what my mother made me promise her and which I had completely forgotten, I wanted to be happy.

My new strength allowed me to reconnect with my father and discover the truth about my origin, I was not the product of abuse, but of sincere but impossible love.

Knowing the truth behind my origin filled my heart with warmth, and some tears escaped from my eyes that night as I remembered my mother. She loved my father deeply, and my father loved her deeply, and I was the fruit of immense love between them.

However, it was about an impossible love between a freed slave and a Marquis.

My father had a wife and three children, and the responsibility to protect not only his family name but also his subjects.

A Marquis falling in love with a freed slave, this would have been a great scandal among the nobles, the reputation of the Lutrel family would have been tainted and no one would want to have dealings with this family, which would inevitably have caused problems for the inhabitants of Lutrel city.

Despite all this, neither my mother nor my father could contain their deep love and my mother ended up pregnant. To protect the prestige of the Lutrel family, his subjects, and my mother and me, my father tainted his own honor.

The path chosen by my father forced him to pretend to ignore me and my mother. He must have been cold and indifferent to me, although I was the child he had conceived with the woman he loved so much.

According to Harlan, when my parents learned about my mother's incurable illness, disparagingly called "true freedom" by the slave merchants, my mother and my father had different reactions. My father wept bitterly while my mother, instead of worrying about her own health, she worried about my future.

My father's decision; I would receive the best education under the assumption I would be used as a political tool in some marital arrangement, and when I reached the age, I would be sent to Agni under the pretext of continuing to prepare myself to become a worthy lady. Once in Agni, away from the influence of the nobility, I would be free to choose my path.

What happened is history, a bitter story tinted with an irreconcilable resentment, but I realize both my mother and my father wanted for me what they did not achieve for themselves, happy life with no ties or regrets.

I must not only find happiness to fulfill my promise to my mother, but I must also do it for the sake of my father, so his sacrifices and bitterness have meaning. It is likely, now my father no longer has the heavy name Eis Lutrel on his shoulders, the little Bela has become an outlet for all those feelings he has kept for years.

To find my happiness, I will build my place in the world with my own hands, Izana, but although the feeling of power no longer clouded my mind, I naively continued to believe there was nothing in the world that could pose any danger to me.

I understood my mistake in the worst way, being forced to flee with my heart and soul trembling with fear.

A Xibil, a powerful battle tool used by the ancient demons Kaname fought, the Ajawab.

At knowing the overwhelming force of such an enemy, likely if I had been alone I would have fled for good, but I was not alone, there were people I had to protect, I had a home I wanted to build and I longed for happiness with those people in this home.

I had to face this obstacle not only for my sake but also for the sake of those around me.

Elena Ren'Lai had disappeared from this world the day my mother died.

Elena Eis Lutrel disappeared when I fled rather confront my father.

Elena Lutrel died after having accepted her fate.

Elena Izana was destroyed by reality.

I must genuinely be reborn as a woman capable of facing any challenge, capable of protecting her own, and capable of facing fear head-on.

To solidify my resolve, I had a practice battle with Harlan, who turned out to be much stronger than I had ever imagined. This allowed me to understand reality once again.

I faced what could probably be described as my natural enemy, a being incapable of feeling fear, and me a coward who unconsciously feigned courage.

The fight was bitter and on over more than one occasion I could see the edge of death, but my resolve to be fully reborn allowed me to emerge victoriously.

However, I could not celebrate my victory, that poison of old took advantage of my moment of weakness to reach my soul.

Even though I had left my cowardice behind, I felt fear again, but it was a different fear. It was not fear of death or pain, but fear of being consumed by this poison and ending up taking all its bitterness and deep hatred as my own.

It doesn't matter if that pitiful person is supposed to be me in the past, I refuse to accept it, I don't want that kind of unsustainable bitterness and immense hatred in my heart. I'm not Murakami Kaname, I'm Elena.

In the middle of such a situation it was I realized something important, at the center of that happiness I longed for was she, Nia. Without realizing it, I had fallen in love with her.

I didn't care how strange it was to love another woman according to the common sense of this world, all I wanted was to hold Nia and feel her warmth.

After returning to reality, the vision of a black pyramid forced me to put my longing to see Nia on hold. I had to find out if what was in there was a far greater danger than a Xibil.

My mind was still a little affected by Kaname's poison, I was easy prey to the overwhelming piece of existence that had been hidden for millennia, Camek, an Ajawab, or what little was left of him.

I found myself immersed in another desperate struggle, but using my renewed will and with the help of the spell engraved on my soul, I succeeded to survive once more.

After I returning to Izana, there she was, the person who had been present in my mind during my two bitter battles.

I could not contain myself and stole her lips. But it turned out to be a cute dream.

However, when I woke up the next morning and after processing everything had happened, my vision of reality changed and regardless of the reason, I wanted to increase my happiness even more. What I had jokingly thought of, surrounding myself with beautiful women, ended up becoming something I actively desired, and this was solidly reinforced once Lynette appeared at Izana.

In Kaname's world there is called Yuri, the romanticism of love between women. Yuri literally lilies. Before my thoughts were so clear, I had teased this concept a bit, but now I was determined to make it come true, I would create a lily garden for myself.

As for Lynette, although this girl was beautiful and adorable, a perfect candidate to bring to my lily garden, I did not allow my desires to dominate me and could keep the situation under control regarding her request to join Izana.

It was unexpected Nia set me out to seduce Lynette, but it was also terrifying to me realize she had seen through me. Before I knew it myself, Nia already understood my heart was greedy.

As Nia had said, Lynette reacted to my seduction, something I was unexpectedly talented at naturally. Is this something that comes from Kaname? That pitiful fellow was very popular with women, but he never had eyes for anyone other than Usui Kaname.

This unexpected talent probably originated from my singular desire to surround myself with beautiful women.

With Lynette completely at the mercy of my caresses and kisses, I had to use all my willpower not to end up crossing the line with her, I had already decided my first time would be with the person who changed my life, Nia.

Luck seemed to favor me. After stealing Lynette's heart, an opportunity to take the first step on Bryn presented itself.

Unexpectedly, Bryn's bitter story provoked my sympathy, and I made my sinister plan aside. But I am a selfish and mean person. After trying her lips, my conviction to get her heart was renewed.

Somehow Nia knew that I perform the ritual with Bryn. Since when is this cute half-elf so scary? Luckily, the lovely Lynette offered me a temporary escape route, but it was temporary.

Upon returning to my room, it was unexpected that Nia questioned me about offering Bryn the ritual, however, somehow seeing her show jealousy made me happy.

I could not avoid confessing my feelings to Nia, but in the same way, I also could not hide the insane longing of my heart from her.

Love is a strange feeling. Despite the immense pain that Nia's rejection would have caused me, I ended up revealing my desire to love and be loved by more women.

To my surprise, Nia accepted my selfishness and stole my lips on her own initiative.

My mind was broken, there was no way my heart could resist the overwhelming desire of my body. I finally crossed the line with Nia. We made love.

Although unexpectedly, crossing the line caused my head to be saturated with thoughts unworthy of a lady. Will doing it with Lynette feel the same way? How will Bryn's fully developed body feel? Thanks to Kaname's memories, I could understand that these thoughts were the product of sexual frustration. My body yearned for more. As for Kaname, naturally, the source of his frustration was Usui Kaname.

The world became even more colorful, every little shade was tinted with the color of happiness. My heart was so happy I could go to Lutrel to meet my father's family, and even seeing Mrs. Zerina again did not diminish my happiness.

My world really changed again thanks to Nia, the old wounds in my heart were finally closed and although my hatred for Richell will never go away, I am convinced that Nia could try to take me without causing the bitter memories of that day to awaken. But such a scenario is unlikely to happen, Nia is too innocent and pure to take control, but I really wish she would, my heart is also a maiden heart and my body wishes to be taken by the person I love.

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