The main character is a more edgy, and in my opinion believable, version of Harry Potter in his 4th year; once he is less naïve and more interested in proactively figuring out why he has become so screwed over and, once the veil is magically lifted from his eyes, realizes that a lot doesn't make sense;

"Why did Dumbledore leave me with abusive family when 'Voldemort died'. My parents certainly didn't want them to be my guardians, did they?!!"

"Why did I never receive a piece of wizard mail from my parents friends, or the bank, or the powerful wizard who put me in this house?!!"

"Why was I living like a pauper, my grandparents were rich and my parents had a vault full of money!?"

"How does deadly stuff keeps sneaking into the school and every newly hired teacher seems to be a disguised sociopath or nincompoop!!! Isn't Dumbledore a powerful wizard who can read minds?"

"Why is Snape even a teacher; he is horrible at his job, everybody knows he has it out for me, and everything about him screams 'I'm a Death Eater! Including his Deatheater tattoo!!!'"

See the spoiler at the bottom for an analysis of the original HP series that explains the setup for this story.

I'll caution and warn potential readers that this story is "ecchi" (content may occasionally be spicy), but this story hasn't been focused on that aspect thus far. The story is a modern-setting fantasy genre in the Potter Universe (obviously) ; no RPG elements.

Style: Nothing to complain about. Well organized and consistent with HP cannon, at the start. So far, largely presenting the POV of the main character. Occasional glimpses from the POV of the side-characters regarding the status of the main character (e.g. while the main character was unconscious during a medical exam, they noted horrific abuse, various curses, and status effects... which hint at things I won't spoil, but make perfect sense in the universe and actually fill plotholes in the original story).

Characters: Backgrounds consistent with the HP universe. Realistic behaviors, more than the original, in my opinion. Author captures realistic emotions and logical reactions to situations, and consistent with facts presented in the HP universe (though individual characters get a different spin re. motivations or off-screen events prior to the start of THIS story) ; if you've read the actual books or seen the movies, there is plenty of evidence supporting the perspective that Dumbledore is perfectly willing to sacrifice the safety of children (definitely Harry his "pig to slaughter") to accomplish his goals, seeking personal glory (he isn't sharing info with the Ministry of Magic) by killing Voldemort personally, all the while collecting the Deathly Hallows; his self-sacrifice in the original books happens only after he finds out that he is dying.

Grammar and Spelling: What the author intends is always clear, but conjugation of verb tenses is occasionally off. Sometimes a word is poorly chosen. Etc. That said, definitely readable. In stories where I've seen this, I've noted that authors frequently improve very quickly... simply by writing additional chapters, reading reviews of readers, and responding, the author will refine their ability. So I'm not worried for the long-term prospects in this area. (Though author may want to come back after writing 100 chapters and do some clean-up. Or partner with a native english-speaking editor if they want to publish.)

Storytelling & Enjoyment: I'm super happy thus far. Reading this story makes me realize all of the holes that can't be explained in the original HP story if one presumes that people like Dumbledore (and others) were ignorant individuals holding incredible positions of magical authority and intellectual prestige and/or who really had Harry's safety as a priority, yet time and again allowed him to stumble into near-death experiences. Also, someone acknowledges that teenage boys aren't monks and magic shape shifting would be of extreme interest to young wizards.

I'm usually pretty easy to please, as I'm dying for new stories that release content frequently.

The following isn't a spoiler, per se, since it refers to the original work on which this fanfiction is based, but reading it could spoil something that you might want to re-read, as the content explains the basis for this entire fanfiction;

Spoiler

Q: Does Dumbledore use Harry like a "lamb to the slaughter"?
A: Oh no, certainly not.
What he did was much worse.
You see, he realized there was something unique about Harry that connected him to Voldemort immediately after he survived the killing curse. His comments about the scar make that readily abundant. From that point on, we have a long series of events all aimed at a single end result... and that result is not simply Harry getting killed. The end result must be that Harry is willing to sacrifice himself.

Dumbledore may not have realized at first that Harry would need to let himself be struck down, though I think he knew that at least by the end of second year, when he laid eyes upon Tom Riddle's diary. He still knew that Harry would have to oppose Voldemort.

Now ask yourself: if you're a parent, would you really let your child risk their life to fight against the most dangerous man in the world? Would you care about the greater good of everyone else, or would you care about protecting your child?

So, Harry cannot have a family that cares about him. No parental figure to step in and fix things. Harry has to learn early on that he has to take care of everything on his own, because there is no adult he can trust. Enter: the Dursleys. They gave him a home, they kept him alive, but they never cared for or loved him.
[And there were other prospective adoptive parents within the wizarding world.]

His time at Hogwarts? Over and over again Harry had to risk his life to save others. Over and over again the professors ignored him or allowed problems to fester. Rumors? Bullying? Students attacking each other? Nobody ever intervenes on Harry's behalf... except for fake Moody, who stops Draco from cursing Harry in the back.

Think about that for a moment. The only person to ever actively intervene on Harry's side in a school incident was a death eater. Some of you may protest that McGonagall was on Harry's side, but she never actually did anything to help Harry. She put on a good show in fifth year, but she never stopped Umbridge. She never stopped rumors. She never stopped anyone from doing anything. She never even sat down with Harry to see if he was doing alright. She did precisely nothing of any use. The most she ever did was get him on the Quidditch team in his first year... which was lovely, except for the fact that she never asked if he was even interested. That means her getting Harry on the team was done solely for her benefit, not for Harry's, so I don't even give her that much credit.

So Harry wasn't made to feel particularly welcome anywhere... except at the Burrow with the Weasleys. His friends mattered, but he learned early on that he did not. Sirius Black almost had an opportunity to give him a home, but in the end Sirius died trying to save Harry.

And in the aftermath of that event, does Dumbledore criticize Harry for running off? No. He takes the blame on himself, and then immediately reveals the prophecy. Harry is in shock. He's angry, he's barely begun to grieve, and he is easily manipulated... telling him at that most critical of moments that he is named by prophecy as the one to defeat Voldemort ensures he doesn't question or think too hard on the matter.

Again, remember that Dumbledore never criticizes Harry for his decision to try and save Sirius. Harry himself might feel guilty about it, but Dumbledore wanted to make sure Harry didn't start second guessing his need to save others. He loops Harry into his plans during sixth year, and sets up the final horcrux hunt... knowing that in time, Snape would reveal the truth to Harry.

But Harry would only learn the truth after the long and difficult task of destroying the other horcruxes. Harry, the boy who is willing to run off to help someone else without a single thought for his own welfare, who has no real family of his own, who has been utterly convinced that he alone can stop Voldemort, finally learns that he has to die for Voldemort to be defeated.

And what does Dumbledore leave for Harry? The Resurrection Stone. A stone that lets you see projections of the dead... and in the tale, the brother who used it was driven to his own death. What does Harry see when he uses the stone? His parents, Remus and Sirius... and not one of them tries to stop him.

James tried to face Voldemort unarmed to buy his family precious moments to escape. Lily let herself be killed in the hopes it would protect her son. Sirius, a wanted fugitive, fled his only sanctuary and went into the depths of a place where everyone wanted him arrested and executed to fight death eaters to try and save Harry.

Does anyone actually think that the genuine spirits of these people would simply smile and encourage Harry to sacrifice his own life?

No, the resurrection stone was a trap... and Dumbledore, an avid seeker [and one time owner of each of the Deathly Hallows], likely knew that. He was temporarily blinded by his desire to see his sister when he first found the ring [that contained the Resurrection Stone], but he had almost a year to contemplate the stone. He knew full well leaving the stone for Harry would provide him with encouragement to help him on his way to sacrificing his own life.

Harry managed to survive, though that was more luck than anything else. [Honestly, this happens after Dumbledore died, so one cannot argue that the circumsances of Harry's survival can be attributed to Dumbledore's machinations or preparations, because there is no evidence to support it. His survival after facing Voldemort was a miracle.]

But he survived only after being completely willing to sacrifice his own life, and let Voldemort strike him down... the culmination of 16 years of setup, ensuring he simultaneously loved and cared about others enough to want to protect them, but did not care about himself... so much that he would put his own life before the lives of others.

It was a remarkably difficult line to walk, but Dumbledore did a masterful job of it. Just enough encouragement and help to keep Harry going, just enough exposure to the Dursley's and just enough neglect at school to make sure he never felt he could go to the adults instead of handling things on his own.

- David Michael, Quora (July 28, 2020) [with editorial added in brackets]

It isn't even clear that Voldemort needed to die by Harrys hand. Even if one believes in prophecy, and many in the wizarding world do not, all prophecies are so ambiguous that any number of conditions could technically fulfill them. Once Voldemort was captured, by an adult (certainly possible, since the prophecy didn't prevent him from being mostly-killed at least once, and doesn't say that he can't be captured or stripped of his power), all the other death eaters were able to be contained in Azkaban, why not Voldemort? If someone was concerned with the prophecy, had the Ministry of Magic been involved earlier (don't tell me that they wouldn't have believed Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Order of Merlin (First Class), Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot.

With more manpower, Voldemort, and his horcruxes, could have been captured or collected by Dumbledore; the prophecy could have been fulfilled any number of ways without immediate risk to Harry, or his death.

[collapse]

16 Likes · Like

SailusGebel

Status: c25

Mar 21, 2021

This will be a long review, so bear with it. As I was lying down in my bed for a long time because of some unimportant reason, I wanted to freshen up my memories of Harry Potter. I was never a hardcore fan, watched movies a couple of times, read books twice, still, I liked the whole idea and mostly the universe.
I'm not a fan of fan fiction works, except for very few exceptions, I avoid them like a plague. Yet the good ratings, as well as a rather simple synopsis, baited me into reading this work. And I'm severely disappointed.

Why the hell I wrote all of the above things? To give other readers a small understanding if my taste in novels would somehow align with theirs.

So, let's get to an actual review, and why am I severely disappointed and rated it with 2 stars? Though, I would like to start with the pros first.

If the author did more work and got rid of anything related to the Harry Potter universe, even plagiarizing would be okay, it could've been a solid 4-star r-18 story. And sadly, this is everything that I could come up with.

Grammar is alright, though there are a mistake and typos here and there they don't ruin the immersion, and it could've been a good point if only one thing, was absent. Curse words, or obscene language. You can argue with me and say that there IS a warning for strong language as well as the r-18 tag, but this isn't what I'm talking about. For those of you who don't know, or maybe started forgetting where the story of an original transpires, it's in Great Britain, for christ's sake. Some of the characters are nobles, some were strictly educated, yet they add a curse word (and a very plain one) in every sentence making them overused in a few chapters. It completely ruins the characters. But, even if you argue with this point, I can still make another one. Do you honestly think that characters of original books would use THESE curse words? I mean, c'mon, even as I'm not a native English speaker I do understand that every English-speaking CITY has its jargon as well as accents and so on. Yet we have f*ck and the words derived from it as a number one word.

Storytelling. It's far from being the best. When we have nothing more than chapter after chapter of being introduced to cheats and wealth in the first thirty chapters, it's not good storytelling in my eyes. I might as well read a report of a company that boasts of their growth, it would be a pretty similar thing. Oh, we as well get an r-18 scene that ruins the immersion even more because of how an MC acted. The scene itself is good, it's written well, the problem is that we needed a different scene in the beginning.

And now, let's get to the thing that made me completely lose any hope that this book will be good fanfiction (in my eyes). Remember how the author wrote that we would have a more savvy and mature Harry? You can throw these words away and forget about them. What we get are different sets of characters that keep the names only as a namesake. First, we have an extreme bias of the author. We are shown which characters he likes and which he hates, and it influences the writing. That way, Sirius transforms from being a rather complicated character into a goody-two-shoes that can't get enough of spoiling his godson. The MC which I refuse to name Harry is your average chad with zero interesting qualities to him. Dumbledore is a plain evil manipulator (sigh), and so on. The additional things, the author adds (that aren't canon), using his knowledge of the universe and whole story. It finishes off the poor remains of the personalities of the old characters.

But what's so bad about it? And is it as bad? Am I not simply pissed at how he transformed characters I liked or disliked? I will answer these questions with the next point of my review.

How close this fanfiction to an actual story? The answer is, it isn't. What so bad about "bad" characters? It ruins the balance of the whole story. Why Sirius being a good godfather ruins the balance? Because Molly Weasley loses her importance, of being one, if not the only character, that looks and sees Harry as a freaking child, which he is. But the whole point of this fanfiction that Sirius somehow becomes a good godfather, alright, I can bear with it, why he swears constantly is something I don't understand though. He has an upbringing, he is a noble, no matter how much of a rebel he was, you can't just forget everything. As it's not a HAPPY emotion, it can't be sucked by dementors and stuff. Yet he acts as a simple dad, who is a chad. No class, no depth, only love for his godson. The point that reinforces my statement about his upbringing, is the way he treats Kreacher. He clearly doesn't see him as an equal being or as something that requires any sort of respect. Yet even this is taken away from us so that he can look good in eyes of the readers.

Am I pissed? Yeah, for example, I am pissed at how he changed Dumbledore, or to be more precise, how other characters perceive him. He is a genius, one that is being born once every few centuries, his biggest strength isn't his magical prowess. It's his intellect, he is cunning, he won against everyone by using his wits only. He fooled everyone and first of all, his allies. And yet here, he is being antagonized from the get-go by everyone we are being introduced to. Everyone sees through his games, Sirius who was a great wizard yet not AS outstanding, see-through one of the biggest plotlines (Harry being a Horcrux) yet Dumbledore didn't see it? But Sirius had a library in this book, he studied it, yet Dumbledore just sat through everything? I should believe this? That's what I was talking about balance. We can't have characters raise in their intelligence while others dumb down, it will lead us to the story becoming a power fantasy. The whole value of accomplishment would diminish because defeating a stupid dork isn't such a big deal. You can't be, all talks, about how your enemy is cunning and witty and so on, yet he isn't when it comes down to actual deeds.

And lastly, Harry, or the MC in this story, as it is someone else. It's a chad, which most readers would be glad to see. He is bold, strong, and so on. He knows how to please the woman even though he is a virgin and saw through the wiles of evil manipulator Dumbledore being only fourteen years old. Anything that could've at least slightly reminded us of an old personality is gone, the author even went after his scar. And it brings us back to the Storytelling. We don't get any kind of growth to make such a change believable, he already changed. From the get-go. And any later change can be addressed to: "Well he spent his time with Sirius." How he spent it? What Sirius actually taught him? How they bonded and what were they talking about? We got nothing of those, instead, we get chapters and chapters of the MC being pumped up full of cheats. The author especially states how the MC was malnourished, mistreated, and so on, yet why don't we see a "BETA MC" but a chad? How the hell does he know how to be a chad? He basically was closed off in his own world for ten or eleven years, after that, he was thrown to a cunning wizard (Dumbledore) who skillfully manipulated him, yet, without any life experience, he sees through this. His awkwardness, his longing for parents and friends, his freaking mentality of a fourteen-year-old was thrown away.

The other review that gave a five star to this story, I don't have any qualms with his rating or taste in novels. You do you, If you liked the story, it's great. Yet there were just a few statements that kind of ruins his review. For example, he asked why Dumbledore left Harry with Dursleys? Duh, because they were his only relatives who could've provided him with the protection. Sirius at that time was in jail. He said that the things the author adds "fill the plotholes." Erm, he also adds new ones. In the first few chapters, we get the MC to someone who states he has a lot of curses, and so one left by (of course it's him) Dumbledore. So Sirius removes them. Yet he doesn't remove his tracking from the Azkaban? I meant it could've been implied, but it wasn't stated. Also, if he does remove his own tracker, why does he go after Harry only after receiving the letter? He states after his arrival that the only thing that matters to him is MC yet he doesn't get him instantly after getting rid of his tracker??? Doesn't it smell like a plothole that was added because of the things the author added and changed?
If you made it that far, I don't recommend the story for those who wanted a more subtle change of characters. If you want an r-18 story with namesakes and some distant resemblance with the Harry Potter universe, feel free to dive in.

15 Likes · Like

deadinside

Status: c17

Jul 1, 2021

The idea of making a mature fanfic of Harry Potter is good but the idea alone can't make things work.

A few things made me drop this novel:

1) The staggering amount of grammar mistakes.

2) The poor vocabulary and repetitive use of adjectives.

3) A plot hole where the author changed Harry's age from the early chapters.

4) The lewd scenes are as awkward as possible, they are poorly writen. It looks like a 13 old telling his friends a lie about loosing his virginity.

9 Likes · Like

zamu

Status: c40

Jan 17, 2021

Stopped reading about chapter 25 then forced myself to keep going since this was so highly rated.

Just going to say that it has 15 chapters of explaining about properties. Yep, if you want to read about real estate feel free to read this. Otherwise skip this. While the later half of the story seems to focus heavily on smut and actual characters interacting, good luck getting there.

8 Likes · Like

Ziegfreed

Status: c163

Sep 29, 2021

out of 163 chapters maybe 60 are actually story driven, the rest is mostly smut which wouldnt be a bad thing if it wasn't copy pasted every single time with some names replaced, at one point there was 8 smut chapters in a row, which gets really old fast when your reading the same exact lines repeated just with a different name taking on the leading lady's role. If that wasn't bad enough the constant grammatical errors is staggering, plenty of misspellings and just plain using nonsense words in some cases which require some serious critical thinking skills to figure out what word the author was trying to write in the first place. This book requires editing, lots of it.

Why the 2 star rating instead of 1? The story itself is interesting, you can skip over most of the poorly written smut scenes and enjoy the actual storyline, I thought about 3 stars, but then only 2/5 of the book is story with 3/5 middle schoolers scribbling on what they believe s*x is.

Me personally, im going to continue reading this book, the story is worth it if you can get past the many many errors which could have been fixed with a bit of proofreading.

5 Likes · Like

Kurumi69

Status: c30

Nov 9, 2020

It had potential at first but that all ended when the story is filled with the massive wealth Harry inherited from not just his own Potter house but also 4 other major houses. Oh and also his perverted tendencies. The reason I gave it a 3 is because it's actually pretty well written despite the wealth flexing, the R-18 stuffs and the massive info dumps.

5 Likes · Like

CmdtAeon

Status: chapter 3: check-up

Mar 18, 2022

This is the kind of stories that you know is bad halfway through the first chapter.

Words have power, use the wrong one at a wrong time and it lose its meaning, use it too many times and it lose its power.

You may believe that the pure-blood are bigots because of how they treat muggle and muggle-born wizards, but you still have to remember that the state of secrecy is necessary because of muggles and magic is akin to a weapon that need supervision so of course children of muggles (despite being wizards) should not be allowed to cast magic while being surrounded by only muggles. The behaviors and laws are both sound and easily explained, yet the same delusional children (because incapable of rational thought) still say again and again the same thing that make no sense.

Your agenda spoiled the story you tried to tell as much as your modification of the characters already known. The concept is good, the execution is sh*t.

4 Likes · Like

Amyn

Status: chapter 83: hunting pt.1

Jan 20, 2021

Well it’s the first time that I wrote the review, So I don’t know how I should do it but well gotta try.

So personally I loved it, some people found it boring and a bit long when the autor keep going into detail about Harry wealth and his responsibility as a Lord but not me. I think that’s what draw the line between this fanfic and the movie. We got to see a new Harry and it’s not a sudden change, we have all the backgrounds which explain his change and all.

Loved the fight scene very explicit which help me viewing the scene in my mind.

Can say the same about the smut the only problem that I have is Harry first time. He was acting like a f**king porn actor at only 14 I mean come on... you should at least be realistic about his first and then you can go crazy for the other since he would have experience.

Well that’s all for me a strong 5 for now might go lower if sh*t go crazy in a bad way but nothing to worry about for now.

3 Likes · Like

Waterlow27

Status: c6

Aug 19, 2020

I like the concept a lot. Having him interact with the Blacks is always a positive in my opinion. Though I would suggest going back and editing the chapters as I noticed an increase in grammar and spelling following chapter 2. Keep up the good work.

2 Likes · Like