In truth, I did not want to give this one a one-star review, as it was marginally better than the only story I had given that rating previously. As such, I figured that I would allow this one a two-star rating. However, upon re-reading bits and pieces of it, I changed my mind.
First of all, let me say this much: This story does have potential. However, there are multiple issues to prevent it from being good, or even readable in my eyes.
Frankly, the pacing of this is a bit all over the place. However, much of that could still have been forgiven if the rest had been up to par, which it is not.
Firstly, on a surface level, there are issues with the verb tenses. Past and present tenses keep getting mixed in the same paragraphs.
Here is an example from chapter 1: First day
Spoiler
I didn't know I was mumbling really loud, then I saw two girls looking at me as if they think I was weird, I rushed towards my school as I hide my face from embarrassment.
"Oh dear, do you think they heard me? I just hope I don't bump on to them"
I arrived in my class, it's the first day so obviously I'll see new faces. I won't talk to anyone, no one even talks to me here.
[collapse]
Grammatically speaking: "Think" should be "thought" and "hide" should be "hid" in order to fit in with the rest of the paragraph, which is written in the past tense. And it's the same for 4 verbs in the "I arrived in class" sentence.
From a narrative standpoint, this reads an awful lot like the inner monologue of the main character of a high-school romance anime - and not a particularly good one at that.
Furthermore, the transitions are lazy, and not suitable for this medium.
Here is another example from chapter 1: First day
Spoiler
*Teacher walks in*
"Good morning everyone I am your adviser for the whole semester. You can call me Miss Dianna."
As the teacher introduces herself, I spaced out, thinking about the new student.
("He looks really handsome though.")
[collapse]
Here, we get a complete shift to the present tense before it shifts back to past tense again. However, the point is, the transition needs work. *Teacher walks in* works in a script, but not in an actually written story!
And then...
From chapter 2: The Walk Home
Spoiler
"Sure we can be friends", then I gave him a warm smile. I could how relieved he is through his eyes, then we started walking home. Although we were friends now, I can't seem to find a way to talk to him, and I'm still 8 blocks away from home.
R: Do you live a bit far away? F: No. Just 8 blocks away, then I'm home already. R: Oh, ok then.
Then the awkward silence occurs again, why am I so awkward ;-;
[collapse]
It just devolves into lines, like those dialogues found in scripts or language learning textbooks, interspersed with some narration detailing the protagonist's thoughts. Furthermore, there is insufficient space in-between these lines, making the dialogues form chunks of texts that are difficult to read.
If these lines would be split up using dialogue tags (he said, he asked, etc.) this story would improve a whole lot, I'd say, making it a whole lot more readable.
And speaking of readable...
This is from chapter 7: The Basket
Spoiler
I walk towards the door and had flashes of scenery in my mind. "Oh no, what if it's a serial killer like what I watch on the T.V. the other night? what if it's some creepy man who would ask for a glass of water then attack us when we're not looking. Is it a good idea to open this door?" I'm so terrified that I began to overthink stuffs. "Let's just look at the peephole to make everything safe". I slowly brought my head closer to the peephole and tried to observe on what's on the outside. "There seems to be no one outside" I slowly opened the door and look left to right. No one was outside but who rang the doorbell? "Now this is a bit creepy". I looked down and saw a basket. "What if this is a bomb? Oh no I'm not ready to die yet, what if this really came from a serial killer". I reached my hand to the basket and slowly opened the red fabric covering it. "Please don't be a bomb, please don't be a bomb, please don't be a bomb". I opened it quickly and quickly hid behind the door. Nothing happened, I looked at the basket again and it was filled with chocolates, My favorite chocolate! "Are you kidding me?! can this day get any more weirder?
[collapse]
Ah, there are so many issues here - and many but not all of them would be solved by splitting this massive chunk of text into multiple paragraphs (and fixing the verb tenses, among other things).
In summary, this has potential, but it's going to need a lot of work and polishing to get there. Why two people have given this a five-star rating is beyond me.
In truth, I did not want to give this one a one-star review, as it was marginally better than the only story I had given that rating previously. As such, I figured that I would allow this one a two-star rating. However, upon re-reading bits and pieces of it, I changed my mind.
First of all, let me say this much: This story does have potential. However, there are multiple issues to prevent it from being good, or even readable in my eyes.
Frankly, the pacing of this is a bit all over the place. However, much of that could still have been forgiven if the rest had been up to par, which it is not.
Firstly, on a surface level, there are issues with the verb tenses. Past and present tenses keep getting mixed in the same paragraphs.
Here is an example from chapter 1: First day
I didn't know I was mumbling really loud, then I saw two girls looking at me as if they think I was weird, I rushed towards my school as I hide my face from embarrassment.
"Oh dear, do you think they heard me? I just hope I don't bump on to them"
I arrived in my class, it's the first day so obviously I'll see new faces. I won't talk to anyone, no one even talks to me here.
Grammatically speaking: "Think" should be "thought" and "hide" should be "hid" in order to fit in with the rest of the paragraph, which is written in the past tense. And it's the same for 4 verbs in the "I arrived in class" sentence.
From a narrative standpoint, this reads an awful lot like the inner monologue of the main character of a high-school romance anime - and not a particularly good one at that.
Furthermore, the transitions are lazy, and not suitable for this medium.
Here is another example from chapter 1: First day
*Teacher walks in*
"Good morning everyone I am your adviser for the whole semester. You can call me Miss Dianna."
As the teacher introduces herself, I spaced out, thinking about the new student.
("He looks really handsome though.")
Here, we get a complete shift to the present tense before it shifts back to past tense again. However, the point is, the transition needs work. *Teacher walks in* works in a script, but not in an actually written story!
And then...
From chapter 2: The Walk Home
"Sure we can be friends", then I gave him a warm smile. I could how relieved he is through his eyes, then we started walking home. Although we were friends now, I can't seem to find a way to talk to him, and I'm still 8 blocks away from home.
R: Do you live a bit far away?
F: No. Just 8 blocks away, then I'm home already.
R: Oh, ok then.
Then the awkward silence occurs again, why am I so awkward ;-;
It just devolves into lines, like those dialogues found in scripts or language learning textbooks, interspersed with some narration detailing the protagonist's thoughts. Furthermore, there is insufficient space in-between these lines, making the dialogues form chunks of texts that are difficult to read.
If these lines would be split up using dialogue tags (he said, he asked, etc.) this story would improve a whole lot, I'd say, making it a whole lot more readable.
And speaking of readable...
This is from chapter 7: The Basket
I walk towards the door and had flashes of scenery in my mind. "Oh no, what if it's a serial killer like what I watch on the T.V. the other night? what if it's some creepy man who would ask for a glass of water then attack us when we're not looking. Is it a good idea to open this door?" I'm so terrified that I began to overthink stuffs. "Let's just look at the peephole to make everything safe". I slowly brought my head closer to the peephole and tried to observe on what's on the outside. "There seems to be no one outside" I slowly opened the door and look left to right. No one was outside but who rang the doorbell? "Now this is a bit creepy". I looked down and saw a basket. "What if this is a bomb? Oh no I'm not ready to die yet, what if this really came from a serial killer". I reached my hand to the basket and slowly opened the red fabric covering it. "Please don't be a bomb, please don't be a bomb, please don't be a bomb". I opened it quickly and quickly hid behind the door. Nothing happened, I looked at the basket again and it was filled with chocolates, My favorite chocolate! "Are you kidding me?! can this day get any more weirder?
Ah, there are so many issues here - and many but not all of them would be solved by splitting this massive chunk of text into multiple paragraphs (and fixing the verb tenses, among other things).
In summary, this has potential, but it's going to need a lot of work and polishing to get there. Why two people have given this a five-star rating is beyond me.
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