Mai was a girl who would hoard everything in her house, she also had a habit of using the bare minimum to do the job. Like when she was hungry, she would never go and buy food. Instead, she leeched on others’ meals.
But all that does not matter anymore for now she is standing in another world.
What action will she take? Will she collect anything in her view?
“Wait… Don’t tell me you’re gonna clear that dungeon with a stone spear?!”
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Note:
This is a practice novel, and I will end it in chapter 20. I may continue this story but it will be in a sequel. Will do a rewrite if I have enough motivation.
<This review is meant as a constructive critic towards improvement.>
the guy who bought a lot, the guy who bought a little, ->, the one who got a few things (this way you avoid repetition.)
I'm reading way too many her/she through the entire chapter:The girl herself didn't know why she had to do that; she just became such a person sometime in the past. --> There was no particular memory that reflected such behavior. She just became this type of person in the past. (Readability is key.)
"Say the bitch who steals our goods all the time." Said one of the men in the mafia group. -->> "Says the bitch who steals our goods all the time, " responded one of the members from the mafia group.
Seeing the scene, the two --> Seeing this scene, the two
"What in the world... How could you headshot without even aiming properly!" -> how (after elipsis while still inside quotation marks, you do not capitalize the first word of the following sentence, unless it is a name like "Pedro" or "I did."
Chapter 2:Mai grabbed one wolf's mouth with her left hand and gripped it shut like it was a dog, then she kicked the other one's belly with her left leg. That one got its stomach hit fell and shrieked in pain. --> You can do a lot more while using past, I'll write you an example that you can use for the entire novel. Mai grabbed one wolf's mouth with her left hand gripping it tightly till it shut like a dog, then a kick followed towards the other enemy with her left leg, causing its stomach to be hit, shrieking in pain while falling down on the grass.
Ch:3
As you run, your Endurance increased by 20. increases (This might not sound like it, but it is a system message, this you can think of it as dialogue, so present fits more than past, both in meaning and tense. Expected the inventory skill at some point, though if it was a place she could teleport to, like a pocket dimension where the girl could do as she wished, would've also been very interesting. Nonetheless, I liked the story, keep it up!
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