As a full-time college professor and a single father of three unruly girls, Thomas Ullian has little time to indulge the fantasies and mythology of Simius’ past. Until a youthful, pestering, and determined colleague enters the scene. Orokio Musoxee is convinced that, though Thomas does not exhibit personalities, he was born with them.
Orokio presents an idea to Thomas that some people have had their personalities stolen and transferred to another. He also tells him the legend of The Eye of Demun and how it is the key to ending personality theft. Thomas aggressively rejects Orokio’s claims until his oldest daughter is brutally assaulted by a man and his personalities. Mirroring a crime that happened years ago.
Leaving his girls in the care of a friend, Thomas joins Orokio on a voyage deep into the Junglei jungles hoping to put an end to personality theft and discover the truth governing personalities. Who knows what other truths he might find? Truths within himself. Truths that only Orokio could have awakened.
Please read Note to Reader.
- Chapter OneFeb 17, 2022
- Life and CultureJan 23, 2022
- GodsJan 23, 2022
- Draigonnian GlossaryJan 21, 2022
- Simian GlossaryJan 20, 2022
- Note to ReaderJan 19, 2022
- Content Warning
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Hiatus - Updated Feb 17, 2022
Last updated 3 years ago
- 8 reading
- 2 plan to read
- 1 completed
- 0 paused
- 0 dropped
The author asked me to revise the review following a re-write of the first chapter. Original Review is in the spoiler box.
Compared to the original, nearly every issue I pointed out has been fixed. Over the past two weeks, the prose has done almost a complete 180 from being stale to fairly engaging. It's still rough in places, but it is markedly improved.
There are very few grammar and spelling mistakes, and the few that do exist are negligible to the point that I only noticed them on the third read through. Far from a Web Novel, this feels almost professional now.
The single issue that still leaps out at me mechanically is in the intro; the first few paragraphs are a bit info-dumpy in a nature, however it transitions well into the introduction of the main characters, so I can easily ignore this.
As far as intros to a world go, it is very nearly perfect.
The Good:World Building: Clearly, the author has put a lot of thought into the background setting of their world. Multiple concepts and races are touched on and briefly explored in chapter one.Promising Storyline: The story sounds interesting from the synopsis and what I have seen so far.Grammar: Author has an above average grasp of English, and there are no major issues, but it isn't perfect.The Bad:Prose is stale. There is little imagination in how things are described. Use of a thesaurus could fix this.Dialogue. Characters are fine if they only have to share a handful of lines, and if there are only two people talking. Unfortunately, as soon as conversations extend past a handful of words, or more than two people start talking the dialogue becomes a mess. Lines are left free hanging, without an identifier for who is talking. This can be fixed with a simple "Thomas said". But the robot-like speech will take more effort to fix. Characters just sound so boring, their delivery is dead pan and without inspiration.Grammar. Like I said, Grammar has issues. While there are no major issues, the ones that do crop up crop up in a big way. Run on sentences occasionally rear their ugly head, and several paragraphs try and address three to four topics at once. The author occasionally uses the wrong word or the wrong form of a word.Edit: Raised Score to three, as the Author is making a concerted effort to improve and fix the technical issues.Read More
The writing contains several issues that could be improved. There are inconsistencies in word choice and grammar, such as subject-verb agreement errors, which can distract the reader. Some descriptions are redundant or overly wordy, which reduces clarity and impact. The use of long, complex sentences makes the text harder to follow and could be split into shorter, more concise sentences to improve flow. Additionally, the narrative has some tense shifts that can disrupt reader immersion, and certain phrases feel overly dramatic, detracting from the intended tone. Finally, a lack of specificity in some parts, like the description of reforms, leaves the reader wanting more detail to fully understand the scenario.
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