Honestly, it's probably to early in the story for me to write a review, but maybe some of those things will be helpful.
First off, about your author notes: The pacing looks pretty good so far, but from my experience the areas most prone to pacing problems are love interests and power progression, so it's really to early to tell.
About a second story, I've read a few concerned comments and that topic kind of depends on what type of writer you are. There are lots of people who do great writing two or more stories in parallel. There are lots of people who eventually drop one of their stories to focus on the other. There are also lots of people who get a new, exciting story idea every few weeks and start a new project, leading to tens of stories dropped after a few chapters. That last one is kind of problematic.
There is one big thing that you could have done better, at least in my opinion: How soon Anna found out about Lady being LadyKiller. Her breakdown scene really came out of nowhere and though it fits her character (knowing that she is a yandere), it would have worked much better if there was at least one scene where they spend time online together, so we can see both sides of their relationship and how important Lady is to Anna, before those sides are connected.
Aside from that, there is some slightly awkward wording and over descriptions at times, but that will probably work itself out over time.
Lady's life is pretty well fleshed out, but his character is still pretty vague. For now, he seems like a thoughtful and nice guy, who is rather outgoing. That's fine, but also kind of generic, especially for a harem (or any anime) protagonist. I hope, we'll get some development there, like what he does outside of video games, is he proactive or reactive with problem solving, what does he like in other people, especially girls, etc. I'd probably have to read a good book or watch a great show to find more example of that kind of character building, but I really hope that he'll have a pretty distinct personality.
Harem protagonists tend to be really, really bland and generic nice guys with no real reason why all these girls would like them and a chronic inability to make actual decisions. That's a huge pet peeve of mine, so I hope that Lady will be better.
How much I'll enjoy this story is till up in the air. (That has a lot to do with how well it will fit my personal tastes.)
For example, if the BDSM tag will be maledom (which I like) or femdom (which I don't like) or mommydom (which I don't like and find kinda gross) (Sierra is already the girl that I like the least from the cast and I'm also wondering why she never did anything about the bullying earlier and if she moved to this school to follow Lady), etc.
Another thing will be, how the multi-yandere thing turns out. For example will it be like a yandere battle royale, with Lady relatively unperturbed in the middle of the storm, or will it be a yandere free for all with Lady getting hit the worst of all, or will it be some kind of creeping horror story. Yandere isn't something I specifically look for, so I'm not sure how that will turn out.
The third important part for my enjoyment of this story will be how interesting Lady's character turns out. I'm still not sure why all these girls like Lady so much aside from him being a rather nice person and having a lot of luck (probably a lot of BAD luck to be specific).
So, you wrote this last chapter while playing Warframe. If Lady gets into trouble and crouches, before casually jumping on the nearest roof, we'll know where that came from.
Over all, you've done a pretty solid job so far and I'm looking forward to more.
I like this. I've seen a couple of Yandere Stories and they usually end with a ton of people horribly dying. But your approach is slow and there isn't much blood being shed.
This makes it unique amongst most Yandere stories and it gives me time to understand and feel for the characters and their plights.
I'm hopefully optimistic that this series doesn't just become a bloody Battle royale because I feel like that isn't what makes this series great.
Most of my grievances with this is just like some grammar and formatting issues. Sometimes its hard to tell who's speaking in dialogue, but that's easily fixed with linebreaks and the like
Anyway story. Its a harem story so I was expecting wish fulfilment, which I got. Not a complaint by the way, its what I came here for. Everyday anemic schlub starts pulling mad bit*hes, emphasis on the mad. I get that yanderes are supposed to be toxic and all but that aint gonna stop me from enjoying the concept. Gotta say that I'm not used to the idea of more than one at a time; was expecting a lot of wanton murder, was pleasantly surprised with more subtle rivalries between the main players.
As of the most recent chapter, the plot is certainly thickening, so I'm lookin forward to that.
So yeah, aside from some initial formatting trouble, I like
Also Noel pulling a gun outta nowhere was much funnier to me than I think was intended. Based and Noelpilled
Really well written. The grammar is entirely correct, and it is very easy to read. Loving the story, it is very engaging, and all the yanderes actually have plausible reasons for their yandereness so that's a bonus. Keep up the fantastic work please!!
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I like this. I've seen a couple of Yandere Stories and they usually end with a ton of people horribly dying. But your approach is slow and there isn't much blood being shed.
This makes it unique amongst most Yandere stories and it gives me time to understand and feel for the characters and their plights.
I'm hopefully optimistic that this series doesn't just become a bloody Battle royale because I feel like that isn't what makes this series great.
I'm eager to read what comes next.
Read More
Most of my grievances with this is just like some grammar and formatting issues. Sometimes its hard to tell who's speaking in dialogue, but that's easily fixed with linebreaks and the like
Anyway story. Its a harem story so I was expecting wish fulfilment, which I got. Not a complaint by the way, its what I came here for. Everyday anemic schlub starts pulling mad bit*hes, emphasis on the mad. I get that yanderes are supposed to be toxic and all but that aint gonna stop me from enjoying the concept. Gotta say that I'm not used to the idea of more than one at a time; was expecting a lot of wanton murder, was pleasantly surprised with more subtle rivalries between the main players.
As of the most recent chapter, the plot is certainly thickening, so I'm lookin forward to that.
So yeah, aside from some initial formatting trouble, I like
Also Noel pulling a gun outta nowhere was much funnier to me than I think was intended. Based and Noelpilled
Read More
Really well written. The grammar is entirely correct, and it is very easy to read. Loving the story, it is very engaging, and all the yanderes actually have plausible reasons for their yandereness so that's a bonus. Keep up the fantastic work please!!
Read More