Chapter 63 – EQ Issei online, hating on the heroine!May 4, 2023
Chapter 62 – Green protagonist’s head, broken heartMay 4, 2023
Chapter 61 – Protagonist comes to the door, his brain circuitry is magical!May 1, 2023
Chapter 60 – Two gods of war arrive, Issei has an idea to kidnap the heroine!Apr 30, 2023
Chapter 59 – Rias’ she-wolf ambition, wao~Apr 28, 2023
Chapter 58 – Tall, rich, handsome and good at cooking. What woman wouldn’t be confused when she sees him?Apr 27, 2023
Chapter 57 – Fiancé comes to the door, legal loli is very strong!Apr 26, 2023
Chapter 56 – BBQ Party? The heroines are in a hurryApr 24, 2023
Chapter 55 – System, what is wrong with these heroines?Apr 20, 2023
Chapter 54 – Riser: You assassins are so unprofessionalApr 19, 2023
Chapter 53 – I just want to play hardApr 18, 2023
Chapter 52 – Akeno, you can’t persuade meApr 17, 2023
Chapter 51 – One person with three big families behind him.Apr 16, 2023
Chapter 50 – Protagonist mentality explodesApr 14, 2023
Chapter 49 – The protagonist is just a single dog who is jealous of other people’s happinessApr 12, 2023

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SaucyHug

Status: chapter 9 – protagonist wants to save...

Mar 2, 2023

Take the most bland cliche villain novels, speed run through it using chinglish grammar then copy and paste random DxD names over people and you got this novel. I like the previous novel but I am very dissappointed with this. I'm sure there are people who may like this but I don't know why you wouldn't choose something else on this site.

21 Likes · Like

araragi

Status: chapter 11 – protagonist runs, villain is...

Apr 21, 2023

I really liked the idea of the novel i.e. The heroines being able to listen to the voice of the villain and the hero. Normally, this would bring an extreme advantage to the hero and extreme disadvantage to the Villain.

However, here the hero is an extremely lewd kid, yes a powerful but still an immature and rash kid. The villain is someone who has been transmigrated to this story and thus, has awareness that he is inside a novel as a villain. Therefore, he actively (at least in the beginning) tries to distant himself from the plot and the protagonist to live a little longer.

Now, the idea is good but I would say the execution is pretty meh. Instead of saying what is wrong and berate the author for messing up this story, I will provide some suggestions. I am spending so much of my time here because I genuinely want you (the author) to go through these suggestions and improve your story. If you want to discuss the same with me, you can message me directly on scribblehub.

The author shouldn't speed run through different scenarios. I have only read till chapter 11 and there already has been three scenarios and astonishingly, we have already encountered four heroines + one that has not directly interacted with the MC. Please, I suggest you to take it slow. This would be major drawback of this novel and would keep coming up in the other suggestions below.

Don't only look for easily identifiable cliches to make fun of. The author missed many comical situations that could actually develop a realistic 3D character. Instead, the author tries to only make fun of the hero. How are those situations any different from the ones that the villain MC goes through?

For instance, in the first scene during the engagement that was supposed to broken by the hero, the author shows how comical a situation is when the hero is expecting the heroine to fall for him hopelessly because he barged into the engagement and helped her break it by beating everyone up? Yes, this is comical. But how is it any different from the first heroine suddenly denying to dissolve the engagement because she finds the panicked villain funny and that too from one or two sentences from him.

Besides, it was such a great opportunity to explore the mind of the first heroine and show how naive she was before she even met the hero. By that I mean, why does she actually oppose the marriage? As I read later, the villain was obsessed with her but didn't do anything bad to her and in fact, was loyal to her (didn't give attention to any other girl). Explore this cliche of the FL being opposed to arrange marriage because she said so. He is a childhood friend of hers and he is very handsome. No way in hell, would she not have thought of him in that way ever before. Break her character down slowly and build up a decent romance. You can start with her falling first in love interest (knowingly or unknowingly) before introducing other FLs.

We shouldn't reveal to anyone except the MC (the Villain) that this world is based on the plot of a novel. This is a rabbit hole you wouldn't want to go down in. Telling someone that the world they live in is based on a novel, telling them that everything is predestined is not funny in reality. There would be no way this would be funny if you want to write realistic characters. This problem is easily solvable by letting the system interfere with what is being heard by the heroines and filter out the parts that indicate in any way that this may be a world based on a novel.

The main gimmick of the novel must be consistent. We cannot always rely on the author using brackets to let us know what was heard by the heroines and what was not. I can see that a lot of information was not conveyed. For instance, the MC planned a whole scenario but the heroines were unaware of his involvement. They didn't even know where he was standing. There might be an explanation for it later but till then, readers would just be confused. There are a lot of ways this can be handled.

For instance, only when he is thinking about a heroine in his mind would this be heard. But this kind of selective transmission might force the author to write the whole thought process of the MC (similar to how it is written in Lord of mysteries) which the readers may not like.

The other option is that only his conversation with the system is transmitted/protected. Though, the author may need to come with an ingenious way to write the dialogs.

Or the easiest one is that the thoughts can only be heard in vicinity of the MC. That way, there is a lot of room for good developments/misunderstandings between the heroines.

There is no proper build up to a lot of things. This is kind of a continuation of the first point i.e. To take it slow but that is not enough! The author must keep track of how the audience feels/knows about a character.

For instance, in the chapter 11 itself, the author tries to portray the MC as smart based on his conversation with the third FL in the previous chapter. This comes off as forceful and unreasonable rather than believable. We didn't have any expectations of the MC but we are then suddenly supposed to see him making a manipulate maneuver. The MC was a coward and didn't want to have anything to do with the FLs but suddenly is actively taking part in the plot and is supposed to be deemed as smart in just three days.

The first FL doesn't break up the engagement because she found the MC's inner monologue funny. Not enough buildup.

The second FL doesn't want to marry but this guy is forced upon her. Explore or at least make characters based on what has happened. The Grandpa already engaged her to another man without asking her. Obviously, he must be confident enough that she would agree. Either he is very strict with her and she cannot say no or she loves him very much and doesn't want to upset him. Otherwise, the setting wouldn't work.

The third FL (the police woman) suddenly appears on the scene and then, we come to know that the MC deliberately called for her. At least, tell us how many FLs are there and what they do. Otherwise, things are just happening and we are then told what we are supposed to feel. Like, if we knew that an FL was a police officer then, when we come to know that the MC called for her specifically, we will think of him as smart. You could take it a step further, introduce patrolling zones and let MC formulate some kind of a plan to overcome this restriction.

The fourth FL is the girl whose grandfather suddenly falls ill had a great potential of showing that the heroines don't sit still when they have future sight. When she came to know that her grandfather is going to fall ill, she should have done something. If just asking her grandfather doesn't work, then concoct a strategy to achieve your goal like pretending to fall sick herself and force the grandfather to go with her to the hospital or call for a doctor to be always near her and her grandfather etc. This would provide great opportunity to either destroy the scene of the novel that was predestined and throw the MC (who was trying to prevent the scene to happen) and the hero (who unknowingly was going to benefit from the scene) for a loop or show that the novel scene is forced anyways by some coincidences (may be somebody else close to her falls to down due to an illness and the MC saves them resulting in the same outcome).

Can the MC manipulate other FLs? This is a continuation of the point about consistency of the mind read gimmick. How can the MC manipulate the FLs if they can hear his inner thoughts. One issue with this is obviously the logical consistency of the gimmick.. but the second is the overall tone of the MC's personality and the novel.

If I had to be anecdotal, its like you are trying to merge "Despite Being Pursued As a Villain, All The Heroines On My Side?" and "I am a Gao Fushuai Villain". On one hand, you have the FLs making fun of the MC in their minds but on the other hand you try to show the MC as manipulative as he pretends to blush in front of an FL. Those two cannot go hand in hand. The former leads to very funny scenarios like the first scene where the MC just wanted to get away from the first FL but the FL instead pursues him and creates problems for him. The latter leads to scenarios where the MC actively tries to snatch heroines from the hero which leads to good romance (in my opinion) and also satisfies the reader's hate towards the unreasonable heros.

This also ties with the point about not enough build up. The MC was initially just thinking about interrupting with the acts but now is actively looking to engage with the heroines. Why? The heck I know as a reader. He suddenly thought of it.

Other smaller suggestions:

May be, don't use the names of characters from other series? Although, I haven't seen those series, I am pretty sure many have and this would be quite distracting for them.
Please specify there age more clearly. The MC doesn't go to school, they are engaged, the second FL runs a company as a CEO etc. May be some visual would help though not mandatory.
There are other novels that you may or may not have read that although don't have the same gimmick, they are trying to do what you are doing. In fact, if you read the interaction between the first heroine and the MC of "I am a Gao Fushuai Villain", you will find it extremely similar to many situations in your novel. MC trying to break up with the first FL leading to sparking some interest in her towards him. The MC trying to manipulate the third FL by although showing affection but still trying to distance himself from her.

20 Likes · Like

Cyconic

Status: chapter 1 – villain want to retire...

May 2, 2023

It’s an unfortunate reality that this site is plagued by an abundance of absolutely garbage novels that make no attempt to convey a story with any semblance of grammatical competence or coherent train of thought.

Consequently, a new writing style has developed as a direct inverse to lore dumps and excessive prose. One which cuts out normally structured sentences in favor of writing out vague ideas to skip as much storytelling as possible. May I present to you the opposite of show not tell but instead: tell as little as possible! Here’s an example from the summary:

“Seeing the heroines with villain, protagonist angry and vomits blood.”

After reading this line that appears purposely google translated between English and another language then back again, it is not the protagonist that bleeds but, rather; the readers eyes.

I took a peek to check if the summary was just a joke but the first chapter is written entirely in this manner. Sentence structure is atrocious and the story plays out as someone translating, from Chinese to English, a list of facts they want to say in order. This is something I might expect a six year old to write while attempting to mix a pronoun with whatever words they know.

This legitimately deserves 0 stars and I pray that the lord have mercy on your soul.

9 Likes · Like

Slapnut100

May 21, 2023

Just read the 1st chapter and Im dropping it already. Was expecting Riser changing here from antagonist and escaping his end while the heroine can here his inner voice. But in the end its a generic trash chinese novel then copy-paste names from Highschool DxD. Dont waste your time here

Dont believe those 5 star review. Doesnt even review anything about the novel

3 Likes · Like

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