Learning Legalese (Lilith)
Stuck in her house Lilith was thinking about how she would run the Afterlife since they killed Satan.
“Anthony did mention something about subsection whatever of the constitution. Hmm… Maybe I should write a constitution for the Underworld,” she said, taking out her pocket constitution to take notes on.
“Hm… We the people of the United States in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility… Why is tranquility capitalized, whatever,,, yada yada... prosperity, liberty, great so how do I not get flagged for plagiarism.” Lilith said, trying to write an Underworld Constitution on a sticky note. “There’s also a Congress, yeah we can scrap that, they won’t get anything done anyways.”
A few hours and hundreds of sticky notes later, Llilth was holding a sticky note crammed with 1 point text: THe Infernal Princes declare that the Afterlife is our’s now so deal with it. We have replaced that Devil guy and will definitely be better at running this place than that liar. Anyways you only die once so be free. But don;t do anything too crazy or else. Also the demon nobility is getting dismantled so deal with it demons. The Underworld has literally infinite resources too so prosperity is a given.. Looking at the crystallization of trying to not get filled for copyright from the dead soul of James Madison and the other drafters of the United States Constitution. Lilith groaned, “It doesn’t sound legit. Why didn’t you teach me legalese Ronove, WHYY?” desperate to uncover the knowledge to bring legit soundingness to her Underworld Constitution, Lilith was drawn into the Abyss of the internet and couldn’t escape for three days. But she emerged from the abyss enlightened to the language of the ancients and lawyers.
“I have grasped the gospel within my hands! My eyes are open to another world I never knew existed.” Lilith said grasping a book that held all the records of legal contracts ever and was surrounded by an intense magical aura. “I can finally write the New Underworld Constitution perfectly. Not even the demons of Hell will be able to escape its grasp.”
Just as Lilith was about to go on a power trip the door opened and her mom came in, “Lilith, I made pancakes, be sure to wash your hands too, okay.”
“Pancakes!” she shouted as she dashed towards the dining table and discarded the magic book of law onto the floor of her room.
Does this book want me to worship the Devil? (Anthony)
Anthony wanted to spend his quarantine playing an obscene amount of video games that were sitting on his shelf yet to be touched.
But he rage quit.
After he rage quit Anthony decided to relax and read a book that he borrowed from Joan. He sat down and looked at the cover, it was an old leather bound tome. The leather had a magic circle on it and Lucifern Goetia inscribed in black ink on it. Seeing no problems whatsoever with the title of the book he sat down to read it.
Five hours later, in the dead of night. “This book wants me to worship the devil!” he exclaimed, surprised by the revelation that the book was spreading satanic worship.
The next day he called Joan and asked, “That book you gave me, it’s about Devil worship right?”
“Yes, it is.” Joan’s voice replied unconcerned.
Anthony on the other hand was very concerned, “Why did you give me a book about Devil worship!?”
“I thought you knew it was about Devil worship.” Joan said confused at his reaction to the book, “Lucifer is in the title.”
“Oh it is,” he said, the realization dawning on him, “I never noticed.”
“Even after the chapter about praying to the Devil? What about the one where it describes how to use dark magic through demonic rituals?” Joan asked, trying to check how airheaded he could possibly be.
“I just thought that it was like political satire about corrupt politicians and how the system is similar to trying to make a deal with the devil. I only realized it was actually about devil worship when he thanked the devil in the afterword,” he said, trying to defend his misconceptions about the book. “Why did you think I wanted a book about devil worship in the first place.”
“Didn’t you say you wanted to read a book like that other one I gave you, The Devil’s Guide to Creating a Cult, that one’s also about devil worship.”
“That was about devil worship! What! I thought it was about how businesses nowadays are like cults and that the upper echelons of the corporate world are devils.”
Joan just sighed and tried to explain it to him, “No, it was just about creating devil worshiping cults.”
“The more you know, I guess,” Anthony said before hanging up the phone. After that encounter Anthony was worried that his friend was a Devil worshiper and Joan learned that Anthony was an airhead.
You’re Already Dead (Hel & Baldr)
“Baldr get over here, let’s play Hnefatafl1https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tafl_games,” Hel shouted at her one companion in Helheim enthusiastically setting up the ancient board game on the banquet table.
“But, Helit says we need to be at least six feet apart to make sure we don’t spread the virus.” Baldr said standing in the entrance to the banquet hall.
Hel just looked at him reproachfully and said, “Omae wa mou shindeiru,”
“Nani!”
“We live in the land of the dead, you can’t be harmed by anything except mistletoe, and I am the queen of the dead, what the hell are you worried about?” Hel said exasperated at the spinelessness of Baldr.
“Oh yeah,”
