Many things in life come unexpected. Especially when it relates to what one becomes. I thought myself a normal person. Certainly, I kept to myself more than others, and indeed, I would prefer the company of a good novel, a curious book on an eccentric topic, a story of romance unfit for general consumption, and even the occasional mad ravings of a lunatic that has garnered interest among the fringe, but I never considered this special. Whilst I felt a particular void in my experience, I recognized that most people would instead fill it in with trivialities, whereas I would avoid those and keep my void pure of all but my dearest fantasies and moods. This past me offered others nothing, and perhaps it would have held nothing for you, as well.
This is how I lived my life for 17 years, and while people would perceive me as gloomy and unsociable, I merely held no interest for their kind. Still, it was never my desire to abandon this world, nor was the Earth in any way insufficient for my needs. I held no grudge, no conflict, no desire for punishment or redemption. Thus dramatic developments in my life would always avoid me, as I made sure that fate itself knew I was not to be bothered. Therefore...
“Why have I been summoned here against my will?” My low voice was directed at the priestly clad man before me, as he posed arms spread wide. Beside him stood a long haired blonde doll adorned with frills on a puffy pink mess of clothing layers, parading itself as a pastry of a dress, with lavish patterns of golden thread decorating its entire surface. Nevertheless it seemed to fit the environment around me, which was itself grand on decorations. The Gothic vault above my head shined with violent blue patterns and symbols, spreading down a web to a now inert summoning circle. Beyond a grand archway were corridors likewise constructed, where the glow was replaced by gold and warm pale lights that enhanced its beauty. I have read many novels about entering another world, but this space had details that one would encounter in neither the description, nor the illustrations of such. It looked and felt real, yet somehow alien.
My second thought contained the realization that I stood frozen on my legs, stupefied of the difference in aesthetics, while the absurdity of this situation happening to me had a difficult time dawning in the haze of my mind. After all, what I had seen just moments before was the short hair of the boy in front of my seat in class, which prevented me from writing down the teacher's notes from the board. Then? I draw a blank, my apologies. And before you ask, I did mention that the people back in that world were irrelevant even during my stay, right?
Back to this important moment, I realized my head was still leaning to the side, and corrected my posture. The priestly man coughed for attention, the princess apparent played with her hair, and the question mark above my head popped like a balloon, my stare expecting an immediate explanation. As discomfort flooded the room, I noticed a certain aversion from my gaze in the blond girl. She seemed my age, but much softer, prettier. The way this stranger felt disgusting was perhaps a reflection of her attitude toward me, I thought. She spoke to the priest in an unfamiliar tongue, intoning disappointment somehow. The priest answered likewise in a gesture of surrender, trying to calm her down. My nerves alarmed me that this unfamiliar situation perhaps was not the best time to be stubborn. It let loose certain feelings the shock was suppressing. I had to overcome a shiver down my spine, my sinking heart obfuscating the rational thoughts flowing, so I chose to observe in silence.
The princess made a step toward me, and I instinctively withdrew. She took another, pouting. I steeled myself and looked down at her hands. Bare they were, I thought, and let loose my guard a little. Then she grabbed my arm and pulled me, driving me into confusion. By the time I could react, I had received a ring with an emerald stone shining pale green, then fading. I unconsciously rubbed the place she had held... She was physically strong.
“You should be able to understand us now. Know that you are before royalty, and must conduct yourself accordingly,” The priest explained. The princess, now confirmed as such, stood there expressionless, but one could feel a hint of gloating from her pose.
While two and two make four, and while I was aware of this situation may have some semblance to ones often depicted in the novels I used for entertainment, my common fantasies on the subject were proof enough that any expectation of how this situation would progress had to be thrown out of the window. I considered my next words as carefully as I could, but what came out was somewhat crude:
“I apologize, Your Highness, I am unaware of the etiquette which you assume,” I said, shutting my mouth at its conclusion. I had no delusions of being a novel protagonist. Plot armor would not protect me from the ire of these people, nor was I good at defending myself.
“Is that so?” She asked with an exaggerated motion. Then as she looked into my eyes, she addressed the priest with a hint of bile, “Brandt, is this the woman that was described to you? Not only is the resemblance only superficial, she is further wearing a uniform I have never seen, and seems completely unaware of her circumstances. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I am deeply sorry, oh Light of Dawn, she is the wrong person,” Brandt responded. It was somewhat disappointing, despite everything. I felt indignant, yet stood my tongue, shameful as that was.
“Unacceptable, we have already had a ten day delay from the last summoning, and you tell me you have brought me somebody useless? Four strongholds are about to fall, and with them your head in apology!” The princess somehow managed to raise her voice without shouting. I was somewhat impressed, somewhat intimidated.
“I shall bow as many times as needed, but is this one not of use?” Brandt carefully asked.
“Of course not!” The princess feigned distraction, only to flash a sadistic smile, “You will bow tomorrow at court. Expect no mercy... As for you,” I was addressed in a faux friendly manner, “Where are you from?”
“... Earth,” I said, my voice cracking to my surprise.
She exuded pressure upon me, opening her mouth to say something. I saw her change her mind:
“Never heard of it. Then you are to be discarded. Brandt's last duty will be to see you out,” with which I completely lost her interest. She exited the stage, leaving me with a crestfallen priest. He looked younger, than initially, but the stress must have piled up. It seems soon both of us would rest from this princess. An awkward silence followed, then both of us spoke at once.
“Do you...” I began.
“... I don't feel like it. You, come with me. You will do me a favor, in return for your life,” he grimly stated. I held no objections, simply saying “Yes”.
I was taken along a corridor of splendid decorations, none similar to the others, except in their heavy use of rich colors, marble, and gold.
Feeling somewhat resigned, I could now pay more mind to the environment I was in, as I walked in awe after the priest, while he tapped with a staff of superb and complex craftsmanship. It seemed ceremonial in purpose, but I dared not assume its practical value.
While I spaced out, observing the sublime artistry that went into the surroundings, I was taken to an area outside, where I saw a view beyond my wildest imagination. This was not some kind of cute fantasy world. The other world was certainly different. It felt like some kind of hell...
I read on the forum that you felt hesitant over the reception of your story due to the lack of feedback, so I wanted to check out your story, give my impression, and suggest ways to make your story easier for the average reader to sink into.
I think that the premise and promise of your story are both solid and interesting - we have a protagonist on the introspective and intellectual side who is summoned to another world, except this world is a fair bit darker than the typical isekai. This is an especially refreshing take for readers who've read most of the usual female protagonist isekai/dating sim stories and are looking for something with a more mature and plot-driven slant.
Mainly, what I would like to suggest to you is to edit your writing style. Anyone who reads what you've written can appreciate the narration's distinct character voice; however, this particular character voice is a double-edged sword. Now take this with a grain of salt - my personal writing style leans toward making everything as simple and easy to read as possible, which comes at the expense of the prose and literary voice. My particular impression doesn't represent everyone's, but I think it's something to think about.
Essentially, your sentences are complex and written in a formal voice which can easily confuse the average reader if care isn't taken to make each sentence as clear as possible. I would suggest revisiting your prologue (since this is the very first impression the reader will have of your story) and editing. Try to both cut down as many unnecessary words as possible and add as many words as necessary to clarify the ideas of each sentence. When writing in this style, you need impeccable grammar and wording, or else the reader won't be able to follow your words. See if you can pare it down to a balance between your character's voice and prose that's easy to follow.
I took a shot at adjusting the very first paragraph to show some of the possible ways you could edit:
Many things in life are unexpected, especially when it comes to the self. I thought myself a normal person. Certainly, I kept to myself more than was usual. Most definitely, I preferred the company of a good novel, a curious book of eccentricities, a story of romance unfit for the general public, or even the occasional mad ravings of a lunatic who had garnered a cult following to the presence of other people. I had never considered this special. Whilst I felt a certain void in my worldly experience, I recognized that others had filled their voids with trivialities. I, myself, preferred to abstain from such trifles, and favored keeping my void pure of all but my dearest fantasies and moods. The heart of this past self of mine held nothing for others, and perhaps it would have held nothing for you, as well.
The actual content of your words is interesting and holds a lot of promise for a great story. All you need to do is clean up the words and make sure you don't leave out vital connective tissue so that everyone who picks up your story can easily follow along.
I hope I wasn't being too nosy. Feel free to ignore this advice if it isn't helpful to you - your story is your own, do what you think needs to be done
Good luck!
First, thank you for the advice, truly. I felt warm inside receiving it. I wish that I could likewise reply at length, as to reward the effort somehow. Sadly I can only get lost in thought, considering what you said. Your edited paragraphs flow much better, that much is true. I think I was too quick to post, perhaps. Sadly the use of language is an endless art, and it seems I have yet to master it. Feedback like this truly helps in the process of aiming for that height. I do plan to rework the Prologue, but was not sure what flaws to address. I guess I now do, so again, thank you.
I'm glad this was helpful in jogging your mind! I'd like to encourage you to just keep on writing more and more chapters and stories. Your skill with the English language is already very high, so I have no doubt you'll be able to reach a level you'll be satisfied with soon. It just takes some painful nights of picking yourself apart to make yourself stronger...
I understand that feeling where you think you posted a story too early. I've written stories that made me feel that way - there was one story I was really confident about until a very kind reader told me, "I think your story has the potential to be great, but there are some problems in the characters you haven't solved which will keep this story from being as amazing as I know it can be." Those words sounded like high praise, but the flaw the reader pointed out was so huge and so gaping that there was no way I could continue the story without having the story break apart around it. The only way to solve that flaw would be by rewriting from the very beginning. 'If only I'd thought the characters and story over some more before I posted it, this wouldn't have happened...' I had a lot of regrets like that, hahaha.
It's been a long while since I dropped that story, but even though I never continued it, the advice that reader gave me helped me become a better writer. I wrote other stories which avoided having that same flaw. Maybe one day I can go back to that original and make it the way I always imagined it to be, now that I'm not as inexperienced as before.
Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that every piece of your writing is precious. You learn something new by trying to write a story you've never written before. Whether or not you succeed in what you wanted to do, you'll have gained valuable experience which will help you when you write more in the future. I was afraid that my feedback might have made you worry over whether you needed to spend more time preparing or polishing your story, so I want to tell you - you shouldn't worry about it!
The more you post, the more readers will come to check out your story. There are still many chances to bring people into your world. Also, the stories you write in the future will always be better than your first stories, so you don't have to worry about getting it perfect on your first try. Even if you rewrite this story later or repost it with revisions, there will be new readers to enjoy it.
I'm not even that experienced or good of a writer myself, so I'm sorry for rambling so much as if I have any right to hand out advice... but as someone who reads a lot, I get the feeling that you'll be able to write stories that a lot of people can enjoy. So, I want to cheer you on for the sake of the readers who will read your work!
Keep going!
I see. Your words do not disturb me, I find the insight quite interesting, or perhaps useful. It is always good to be given a constructive, but different perspective. Sadly, now that I know the flaw, I am not sure how to fix it within any suitable time, and the pressure of rushing seems detrimental. On the other hand, I have already lost momentum, so my work will be harder to find. All I want to do now is write more chapters, but if people do not get hooked at the prologue, any new writing will not reach them, thus proving the effort fruitless. I feel torn, so I will pursue both at leisure, as time is now more readily available. Still, ultimately I write because what I wish to read is not yet written. What is your purpose?
You seem like you've thought things through very well! I'm always a fan of taking it slow and easy. It's always much harder to edit your own work than it is to edit others', so if possible, maybe you can find an editor or writer friend to help you out! It's easier when you have someone on your side. You should be able to easily find a good editor by looking at the editors who have worked on any novel translations you liked and asking them if they would be willing to check over a chapter or two of your original story. Most people are very kind and willing! You might also be able to find help from a fellow writer by joining the scribblehub discord and asking for assistance in the workshop area. But, I can't blame you if you'd rather not deal with that
Your purpose for writing is great! Writing the story that you want to read is really wonderful. I think a lot of writers can relate to it. Most of us are people who love to read, but at some point, we just can't find the stories we're craving, right...?
I can't say that I've thought too deeply into why I write. I mean, there are probably a lot of reasons, but those reasons are the same as everyone else's I like yours a lot though! It shows purpose!