Dinner went far better than Lucas thought it would. Vithi and Judy seemed to get along well, even going so far as to hug when Judy left. “So, what’d you think of Judy?” Lucas asked
“She was nice, I liked her.” Vithi moved over to the TV, turning it and the game system on. To Lucas’ surprise, she tossed him a controller. “Come play with me.” She sat down on her favorite chair, booting up an RPG. Lucas hesitantly sat down on the other armchair as Vithi entered the character creation screen. He began creating a character as well, but Vithi stopped him. “Make a magic user, please.”
Lucas frowned. “Why?”
Vithi smiled. “I’ll tell you later.”
Lucas sighed, but did as she requested. Once both characters were made, Vithi started the game proper. She was playing a warrior, taking hits on the front lines while Lucas provided support and long-ranged attacks. He found that she was surprisingly good at the game, and easy to work with. She didn’t go off on her own, and often would disengage from her fight to help Lucas if he got attacked from behind. Lucas found himself relaxing for the first time in quite a while. It had been a stressful few weeks, between school, work, and trying (but failing) to make his magic work. It was nice to just forget about it and do something he liked.
“So, what did you do for fun before I came here?” Vithi asked suddenly.
Caught off-guard, Lucas’ concentration broke, and he took a hit. “Well, usually I would play video games.”
“Oh, I guess I sort of monopolized those. What do you do when I’m on the TV?”
“Um, usually homework, or maybe I’ll watch anime on my computer or something. Why?”
“Was just wondering.” Vithi’s warrior smashed into the kobold attacking Lucas’ mage. “This is fun, we should do this more often.”
Lucas smiled slightly but said nothing.
The next morning, Lucas awoke to the smell of something cooking. Confused, he entered the kitchen to find Vithi making breakfast. “Morning!” She chirped, “I’m making bacon and eggs, want some?”
Lucas frowned. “Are you alright? You’re acting differently than usual.”
Vithi flipped a piece of bacon on the griddle. “I’m fine, you’re imagining things. Do you want some or not?”
“Sure, I guess. Where did you get this stuff anyway?”
Vithi paused. “Uh, Judy brought it over last night. She had me put it away while you made dinner.”
Lucas shrugged, but took a piece of bacon from a plate, and began to eat.
“Could you do me a favor?” Vithi asked.
“Sure.”
“Skip class today and come home early.”
Lucas raised an eyebrow. “Any particular reason?”
Vithi looked at the window. “We need to talk, and I would rather we had some time.”
“Alright, I shouldn’t be missing anything too important…” Lucas said, mentally going through his classes. “Yeah, should be fine.”
“Perfect. Eggs are done!”
Lucas walked into his house and was surprised by how dark it was. All the curtains were drawn, and most of the lights were off. He made out a glow from the living room and entered.
“Good, you’re here.” Vithi said, pausing her game. It was the same RPG they had been playing the night before, and Lucas noted that she was using his character. He frowned and sat down on a couch. “What do you need to talk about?”
Vithi walked over to a curtain. “Come here.” She said, opening the curtain. “See that car?” She motioned to a nondescript red car, and Lucas nodded. He walked over to the window and squinted at it.
“What about it?”
“See anyone inside?”
Lucas squinted a little harder. “Yeah, couple of dudes on their phones.”
“They’re watching this house.”
Lucas shot her a look. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, for one there are people here for hours on end every day, just sitting in the car.”
“So?”
“When you’re gone, I’ve seen them get out and poke at the walls, even use magic.”
“Wait, magic?”
Vithi nodded. “I’m pretty sure they’re from the Society of the Light.”
“The what?”
Vithi closed the curtain. “The Society of the Light is an organization dedicated to revealing magic to the world. They claim to be noble and working for the betterment of society, but they’re really more like terrorists.”
“Well, why isn’t magic revealed to the world?”
“That’s a bit long and complicated, and I’ll tell you the full story later, but the main reason is to protect magical creatures like me.” She walked back over to her chair and picked up her controller. “I’m afraid I might have to do something about them later, and I wanted to let you know, but they’re not why I called you here.”
“Then why did you?”
“I’m going to teach you how magic works!”
Lucas frowned. “You already did. You focus, maybe say some words or do some gestures, and poof.”
Vithi laughed. “No, that’s how you do magic. I want to teach you how it works.” She motions to a seat, and Lucas sits. Vithi turns to her game and opens up the skill tree. “There are three main “types” of magic. The first of these types is called a Domain. Domains are kind of like the racial benefits you get when making a character.” She flips to the character sheet of Lucas’ character. He had chosen to play a gnome, and she motions to it.
“Domains work remarkably like an RPG skill tree. In fact, I’m almost positive a mage had a hand in designing the skill tree system. It works a little too similarly, even if a game skill tree is more restrictive.
“Just like in the game certain species are more suited to certain roles than other races, in real life species generally have things they’re good at, and things they’re bad at. Individual “nodes” in a Domain are called Traits and are often gained simply by practicing or growing older. A child actually inherits some of their parent’s progress in Domains, which is the main reason you’ll find certain families to be more powerful than others – they have an innate advantage from their parentage. You can actually have more than one Domain, depending on your parentage. You get the “main” Domains of each of your parents and grandparents, and often you gain access to special Domains resulting from the mix. A good example would be a half-elf – they have an elf Domain, one other Domain, and a special half-elf half-whatever Domain. These special Domains aren’t inherited, even if two people with the exact same special Domain have a kid. No one’s quite sure why. Anyway, Domains have things like being able to see in the dark, longer life, bonuses and penalties to using specific types of magic, and even unlocking special types of magic.”
Lucas thinks about this for a moment. “What’s in the human Domain?”
Vithi shrugs. “Humans are weird by Domain standards. They can get bonuses to basically whatever type of magic they want, but it gets harder to gain more Traits after a while. To further the confusion, some humans appear to be a lot better at others in gaining Traits, and we’re not quite sure why. As an aside, humans also learn languages easier and are more capable of inter-species breeding. A “normal” Domain like the elf Domain are a little different. They have a couple of standard Traits, longer life, more graceful, that sort of thing, and then they have sub-Domains. These would be your “high elf” or “wood elf” type of thing, and choosing one locks you out of the others. For the most part elves inherit a sub-Domain from their parents or get a mixed special Domain if they have two parents of different sub-Domains. While some Traits are harder to earn than others, Traits in general do not get harder to gain over time like in humans and are the same difficulty to obtain for each individual. As a result, most Domains are a lot more specialized than a human Domain, and you see less variance in power than in humans.
“This sort of leads us into the second, arguably most important, type of magic, Skills. Skills are quite a bit more free-form than Domains, in that where any person of a given race will have the same Domain as any other member of that race, Skills are different for everyone. A Skill could be anything from “Casts fire magic easier” to “Can turn their hand into fire temporarily.” Magic is an odd mix of spells, a feat of magic which almost anyone can do given instruction and talent, and Skills. Most mages combine one or two Skills with a variety of spells to achieve their results. Earning a Skill is a bit odd. They seem to be related to your actions, meaning that you’ll generally get Skills that help with what you’re doing. No one’s sure what the exact requirement to earn one is, and it seems to change depending on what you’re getting. Sometimes practicing magic will land you a Skill, other times you’ll get one while cooking dinner. Often the flashiest ones will appear during intense times like fights, but that’s the extent of the pattern people have been able to figure out. The real issue is that for most people there’s no easy way to see what Skills they have, and there’s no indication that they have a new one. They have to cast an identification spell on themselves to see what they have.
“It’s also important to note that people will sometimes use ability as a catch-all term for any magical-seeming ability, but in formal context use of the word is frowned upon, as most any magical phenomenon can be put into one of the categories we’re talking about here.
“As for the last type of magic, we call them Aspects. Think of them like armor or weapons. They have requirements in order to be used and can be lost if those requirements aren’t met. A monarch might find themselves with an Aspect they can only use while they’re emperor, for example.”
Lucas stared at her for a moment. “So, why can’t I use magic?”
Vithi pauses. “I’m not completely sure. My best guess is there’s something messing you up in your Domain.”
“So, how do I fix it?”
“I don’t know. You’d probably have to go get looked at by an expert to get answers for sure.”
“Does that mean there’s nothing I can do?”
“Nothing other than keep practicing. Hopefully you’ll get a Trait that lets you use magic easier.”
“But what about the wish?”
Vithi tapped her chin. “I’m pretty sure the wish is the problem. Perhaps it messed with your Domain?”
Lucas frowned. “It can do that?”
Vithi nodded. “I’m pretty sure, yeah. Any other questions?”
Lucas shook his head. Vithi motioned to a controller. “Come play with me, then!”
About a week later, Lucas was woken up by Vithi shaking him. “Vithi? What time is it?” He groaned, reaching for his clock.
“Three in the morning. No time, though!”
There was a click from somewhere else in the house. “They’re coming for me. Will you help me?”
Lucas nodded drowsily. Vithi, looking relieved, brought out a small sheet of paper with some shape that Lucas couldn’t quite make out on it. She muttered a few words, there was a sudden wrenching sensation, and he could feel cool air on his face. Looking around, he found himself in a forest, with Vithi standing nearby. Lucas felt the drowsiness fade as panic began to set in. “What happened, where are we?!”
“Trail in a forest about an hour’s walk from the house. I’ll explain later, but we have to hide!” Vithi started making her way off the trail and deeper into the forest. Lucas decided the only real option was to follow; he was lost, confused, and in over his head.
“Why? Thought they were in the house?”
“They’ll probably trace the teleport. It should take them five minutes or so, though, so we’ll have some time to put distance between us and them. If we’re lucky they’ll follow the trail I left.”
“What trail? If they’re watching all the time how did you leave without being caught? How did we teleport if you can’t use magic?”
“I had Judy set a trail of magic that should be consistent with a quickly-constructed speed enhancer around this area. If the imitation is good enough, and they’re using magic detection over normal tracking means, they should be distracted for long enough. I’m going to take additional measures, just to be sure, though. And I’ve had magic the whole time, I just decided not to tell you because Tunem thought that was a good idea.”
“Wait, Judy? She’s in on this? And you’ve what?!”
“Later.” Vithi was moving seemingly aimlessly, taking odd turns, and Lucas was having trouble keeping up in the dark.
“Where are we going? Do you at least have a flashlight or something?”
“Not really sure, and no, the light would give us away. Moonlight should be enough.” Vithi slid down a small incline and continued onwards. A short while later, she stopped near a cluster of medium height bushes. She turned around to face Lucas and took a big breath. “I’m going to do something a bit crazy, but I need to make another contract with you first.”
“What? I’ll need to know the terms before I agree.”
“Nothing big. Just that you won’t treat me any different because of this.”
“That’s it? I accept.” Lucas felt the small spark that he assumed indicated the contract was official.
Vithi looked pensive and seemed to struggle for a moment. Then, she looked Lucas in the eyes and began to speak. “I will to Lucas be true and faithful and love all which he loves and shun all which he shuns, according to the order of the world. Nor will I ever with will or action, through word or deed, do anything which is unpleasing to him, on condition that he will hold to me as I shall deserve it, and that he will perform everything as it was in our agreement when I submitted myself to him and chose his will.”
“What are you – “
“Just accept, please!”
“I accept.” Lucas felt a shock. It was similar to the shock he felt when the first contract was accepted, but much more intense. It lasted for a few moments before it subsided, leaving Lucas feeling a little odd.
“What…happened?” He asked
“I just bound myself to you like I would a lamp. Speaking of, I would like to use you like I would my lamp, as a sort of gateway to my lair.”
“What?! Why?”
“Helps to hide my magic. Please?”
Lucas looked at her carefully. “You’re sure this will help.”
“Absolutely.”
He sighed. “Alright.”
Immediately, Vithi’s form shimmered, turning into a mist that drifted towards him. It didn’t enter through his mouth and nose like he expected, instead sort of drifting through his skin like it wasn’t there.
Alright, I’m in OK. I never tried this before, how’d that feel on your end? Vithi’s voice sounded in his head. It was clearer than he thought mental communication might be; it was her voice for sure, and it was like she was right next to him.
Lucas frowned. “Didn’t feel like anything, really. How are you talking to me? Aren’t you in your own personal space or whatever? Can you read my thoughts?”
It has to do with the master/servant connection. As for reading your thoughts, I can only read the ones you direct at me.
Can you hear this? For Vithi.
Vithi giggled. You don’t have to actually think “for Vithi”. As long as the message is intended for me it’ll come through. Should even work for emotions, and while I’m out of you, so long as we’re within about 100 feet of each other for now. That might grow later on, though.
Lucas tapped his chin. Alright, you going to tell me what’s going on?
On the way home. If we keep going the way we’ve been going, we should find another trail, which we can take back to the main roads. I doubt there are any buses this late, but the walk shouldn’t be too painful.
Are you sure? We made a lot of turns.
Yeah. I’ve got a wayfinding spell made by Tunem in here. When I cast it on a map it acts kind of like a GPS, but more accurate. Just follow my directions and you’ll be fine.
Lucas began to walk. Alright, we’re on the way home. Answers, please.
Vithi sighed. Alright. First things first, magic. Without the lamp I’m about average in terms of magic, but I can use it just fine. I’m not 100% sure why Tunem wrote that I wouldn’t have any, but I have some ideas. I’ll pick his brain later.
So, why does a lamp make a difference?
Well, first we have to talk about the oath I swore. It came about a long time ago, as an extension of the contracts. Humans eventually co-opted it into their oaths of fealty, so think of it like that. With this, I can’t act against your interests at all. This doesn’t mean I have to obey every little command you give – just that in broad terms, I can’t do things that I think would harm you unless you, in an unaltered state of mind, tell me to. Generally, this is something djinn do with other djinn only, and is done to ensure loyalty and provide the convenience of a lair. Occasionally you’ll even stumble across a situation where two people are sworn to each other, most often in a marriage situation. Somewhere along the line, someone had the bright idea to use a magic ritual to force djinn into this sort of bond with an object like a lamp. The inanimate object could be used to force the djinn to store all their mana in it, which, after enough time, would allow for the power to do really big feats of magic. Kind of like a battery. That’s why I lost all that power when I was freed from the lamp – with the bond gone, the “battery” was gone as well, and the magic had to go somewhere, likely funneled into your wishes. It was probably what drew those people here in the first place.
Lucas mulled this over as he walked. Alright, couple of questions. First, why an inanimate object and not directly to the person? Second, why bond with me?
Well, inanimate objects for a couple of reasons. The first is that holding a lot of magic gets kind of painful, like having a really full stomach or bladder. The other reason is that if you make an object with the sole purpose of containing a djinn and storing magic, that becomes its purpose in a way. So once a djinn is pressed into service to it, not storing magic in it would be going against its interests. It’s basically an easier way to force us into it. As for why you, that’s a bit more complicated. Part of it was to completely sever my connection with the old lamp, removing the need to use it to get into my lair. Now, the real complicated part has to do with your magic.
What does my magic have to do with this?
Vithi couldn’t help but leak some embarrassment with her next words. Well, uh, I might have invaded your mind for a bit.
What!?
It was just to check out your magic, I swear! I was getting really frustrated at why you couldn’t do any magic, so I went to go investigate myself and left behind a copy of myself, so you wouldn’t be suspicious.
How long ago was this?
A few days before Judy came, so almost two weeks, I think.
Isn’t that about when you started being a lot nicer to me?
Well, yes. I noticed how poorly I was treating you, and how you felt about it, and I did a little digging, and found that you really did only have good intentions. To be honest, I felt like a piece of crap and resolved to change. Nothing forces you to empathize quite like literally feeling another person’s emotions. Anyway, I discovered an odd artifact with my alchemy stuff, closed off by a barrier of magic that said it was “for Lucas”. I’ll show it to you after we get home, but that was the tipping point for me wanting to really get to the bottom of this.
What did you find?
I went to go poke at your source of magic, and it was…odd.
What do you mean?
Visualize your magic like a pool of water. You can take the water out, use it, whatever. Eventually, you’ll be out. It fills back up on its own, given some time.
How much time?
Depends on the person. Anyway, in your case, it’s like someone bricked up the pool. There’s nowhere to put the magic. The advantage of this is that if someone pulls out a magic detector, you show up as nothing. Even animals or people unaware of magic generally show up as something. You would just look like a rock. I’m basically hiding behind you right now.
So why not just use me like a lamp? Why pledge the oath or whatever?
Prerequisite to using you as a lamp. Easy access to a lair is the main benefit of an oath like this. The path should be coming up in a few hundred feet. Take a left when you get there.
Alright, still, why not just run off? Why pledge the oath?
They’d find me eventually. Now not only do I have a hiding place, I’m immune to being put in a lamp at all.
So why did we come all the way out here?
To throw them off the trail. I can’t be released from your service unless you choose to do so, but that doesn’t mean they can’t torture it out of you.
Lucas got on the path, moving faster now that he had a clearer surface to walk on. Won’t they notice I’m missing?
I left a body double in your bed when we teleported. Put some shoes on you too. We should be fine. Any other questions?
Lucas looked down, noticing that he did indeed have his tennis shoes on. He had been too tired and disoriented to notice. Then, a thought struck him. Do you share senses with me while you’re like this?
If I choose to. It’s more like a movie than anything else, really. You can stop that if you want, though.
No, it’s fine, just as long as you don’t watch me use the bathroom.
Just block me when you do, then. I don’t want to stumble upon that either.
How do I do that?
Same way you send thoughts to me. Just not wanting me to be able to look through you is enough.
Lucas walked in silence for a while, thinking on what he’d been told. So, how do contracts enforce themselves, anyway?
Usually it acts as sort of a filter. Every time you think about breaking it or doing whatever, you get sort of distracted and don’t. If you DO manage to power through it, you’re physically stopped from doing it, usually by a shock or something.
So, when I made a contract not to treat you differently, how is that interpreted?
That’s pretty vague, so it’ll just stop you from doing anything drastic like ordering me to go do something. Now, if I give you permission to give me orders or something, I don’t think it would trigger. Since I think that’s something that would fall under the umbrella of being treated normally. Don’t worry about it too much. If it’s too restricting or something, we can amend it.
We can do that?
It requires all parties to agree, but yeah, it can be changed or even dissolved. We’ll worry about that if it happens.
Oh, your system actually allows for amendments to magical contracts? I would love to know how you pulled that off, because the one we're using is pretty rigid. Once a contract is in place, it's locked down more securely than a dwarven strongbox, so we have to be real careful to put in conditions for expiration or else we get locked in forever.
More spoiler notes...
Anyways, yea that magic system is a hot mess. If you rewrote it anyways, I would then suggest nailing down the concretes of it and then putting THAT explanation here.
Despite this being an 'action' part, there was almost no feeling of danger to their situation. Their plans were executed perfectly and nothing happened at the house. Just a midnight walk in the woods really with exposition that might have been better parted out and given to earlier chapters. Like Vithi trying different stuff with him to see what kinds of magic abilities he had.
Like one day she tries the racial magics, and after she exhausts what she can think of that, she switches to something else. rinse and repeat to sell the frustration. Then when she's at her tipping point do the mind invasion stuff.
idk... you can take or leave that tbh, but plopping all the expository information in one chapter just isn't the right plan if you ask me.
You are absolutely right, the pacing and sense of danger here is completely wrong. I've made a note to...well, do better rewriting it. Mostly by stretching the section out more to pace the exposition better, and then probably giving a better sense of the pursuit...Well, the whole escape scene probably needs a bit of a deeper rework to make it work better, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Hmm... if you're still looking for feedback, here's some early thoughts. Just for the record, as I write this, I have only read up to this chapter, for the first time, just now. This is just my perspective as a reader at this specific point and obviously doesn't reflect your current skill as a writer, given this is old content.
Number one, in regards to the exposition. I think it's too complete. It doesn't feel like a character is explaining things to another character, it feels very obviously like you (the author) are explaining something to me (the reader). That's what exposition actually is, obviously, but it's only when the reader is aware of it that it becomes a negative, boring thing.
How do you fix that? Well, my first suggestion would be too take a real deep look at how much of this actually needs to explained right at this particular part of the story. In particular, with the specifics of your magic system, you say in your footnote you considered scrapping it anyway. I'm not sure you need to go that far but that's a good sign you gave away too much. A quick explanation of domains might be enough.
Next, with whatever's left the *needs* to be explained right now, try to think of as many ways to explain this without using dialogue whatsoever. Moving the explanation to narration doesn't count. What if Lucas discovered this knowledge himself? What if we witnessed Vithi or Tunem making use of this knowledge? Can you simply put in enough context clues in that the reader infers everything?
That's not to say that you shouldn't exposit at all, mind you. Sometimes you just gotta. But when you do, well, my second point actually relates to that as well.
Vithi's behavioural change only seems sudden because of how matter-of-fact she seems about it.
Well, yes. I noticed how poorly I was treating you, and how you felt about it, and I did a little digging, and found that you really did only have good intentions. To be honest, I felt like a piece of crap and resolved to change. Nothing forces you to empathize quite like literally feeling another person’s emotions.
This passage seems to carry the intent of making Vithi sound regretful. However, it comes across as totally insincere. This shouldn't be an easy thing for anyone to admit, but Vithi explains it in a "Go figure, I guess I was mean!" kind of way. There just isn't any real emotion. If someone talked to me like this, I wouldn't really believe they're sorry at all. The next line starts with "anyway", which could show that she's embarrassed and wants to quickly change topics, but at that point it instead just seems like she was merely sidetracked and wanted to get back to what she thought was more important.
Now, I'm going to present a theoretical, example rewrite of that bit. Not to one-up you or show off anything like that, but just because I really want to get my point across:
...Sorry. You treated me with such... unreserved, unquestioning kindness and I responded with... indifference. To put it mildly. When I was trapped in your perspective, feeling what you feel... I'm really sorry.
It's awkward and heartfelt. It's a struggle to say even this much. She hesitates, because she's choosing her words with care. Because, *she cares*. Towards the end, she can't even find the words to encompass her emotions, and she defaults to emphasizing that she's sorry again. Now, I don't know how close that comes to the character you want Vithi to be. (Remember I only have chapters up to this point to work with.) You might not want to have her be quite this emotional. But this version of her in my mind that I used to write that is absolutely one that I can believe had a sudden shift in behaviour - at least she actually apologized! :P
And, as a bonus, I streamlined some exposition. (Told you it was related!) Rather than saying outright that directly feeling another person's emotions makes you sympathetic, she just briefly reveals that she shared his emotions, and I let the reader complete the thought. It's obvious (at least I think/hope) from that that's what caused her shift. She doesn't need to make a quip about it, and instead of exposition it just looks like character development.
Anyway, that's enough rambling from me. I hope you don't feel like I went too far with this. Sometimes I just feel inspired to really dig deep with feedback. And... woah, that took me like, an hour to write. I'll get back to reading now XD
Thanks for the feedback!
Exposition is something that's going to be greatly streamlined when I rewrite things, since, as you say, it's just too complete. Much of the nuts and bolts of it just isn't relevant and will be left out since the system is destined to be scrapped anyway (as the AN says, more on that in later chapters) and the story doesn't need all that.
I'm still unsure of how exactly it'll be approached, so I'll make sure to take your feedback into consideration when I do get that far in the rewrite (Current status is just after Vithi and Judy's meeting)!
And, for Vithi's attitude, the current way it's going in the rewrite is to just take it slower. This little "confrontation" won't happen until later. On top of that, I've made an effort to put more of her viewpoint in this beginning section of the story, allowing us to peek into her thoughts on the situation more and make things feel more natural.
And I must admit that your little rewrite of the scene, while good, doesn't quite fit with how I've characterized Vithi, at least later on and/or in my mind. You're right in that mostly it would be her not being so emotional :P
Anyway, this also took me ages to write (believe me, I'm no stranger to writing responses for like an hour ), so I'm going to stop here instead of trying to fine tune this for another...however long lol.
@Fighterman481 No problem. I think, having read a few more chapters, I might have a bit more feedback later, but hopefully more like, y'know, a regular comment and not an essay. A couple things that I forgot/couldn't fit into this one, though:
Vithi may be cold on purpose. She is a jaded, immortal djinn, after all. But human-acting characters are just more fun to read about. (Generally.) I'm sure you know that, but just a reminder.
And finally - I sincerely like the domains system you've come up with. It reminds me a lot of Godbound (a pen and paper RPG) in a good way. It's simple yet granular, vague yet thematic. I hope it doesn't *all* get scrapped :P
@uggron It's not completely scrapped, more...put into a format that was quite a bit easier to work with. More generic, yes, but also something that I felt both readers and myself would have an easier time wrapping their heads around.
There have been some name changes, but the spirit (spiritual successor?) of Domains is still around and active in the story.
Thanks for the chapter.
any magical-seeming, ability, but in formal - seeming ability
that was a good idea” - idea.
I will to Lucas be true and - Lucas to be
I've gone ahead and fixed the first two, thanks!
As for the last one, I'm not quite sure what you're going for there, as I think "will Lucas to be" would imply wanting Lucas to do the following, while currently it implies that Vithi will be doing that. Either way, I've left it as is because I basically just did minor substitutions to an old oath of fealty I found and so if it sounds a little funky I'm chalking it up to the language being a bit different way back when and calling it intentional
@Fighterman481 For the last point, think of it like this, separate it into two parts: 'I will to Lucas' and 'to be true'. The first part is addressing the vow to Lucas, and the second is what she is vowing. Together they make: I will to Lucas to be true.
@Bilagaana In this case I believe that is incorrect. In more modern language, I would likely word that as "I will be true to Lucas". "To be true to Lucas" works on its own, but putting the "I will" in front of it makes it...just not make sense. If the part about being true to him was later in the paragraph or was after a period, you would be correct, I think, but the "I will" makes it sound wrong. And, unfortunately, I can't really put it in any more detail than that. English is a pretty messy language, and the rules are inconsistent so without more formal training I couldn't tell you why it sounds bad any more than that. It's just not something that someone would normally say. Well, unless that's unique to some region I'm not aware of.
Although I must remind you that that paragraph is not my wording. It was taken almost word for word from a really old oath of fealty I found. Even if I did agree with "I will to Lucas to be true", I wouldn't change it, simply because that would defeat the point of using an old oath like that, in my mind.
If you're curious, here's the original oath I used. I just took out any parts with religious connotations.
"By the Lord before whom this sanctuary is holy, I will to N. be true and faithful, and love all which he loves and shun all which he shuns, according to the laws of God and the order of the world. Nor will I ever with will or action, through word or deed, do anything which is unpleasing to him, on condition that he will hold to me as I shall deserve it, and that he will perform everything as it was in our agreement when I submitted myself to him and chose his will. "
@Fighterman481 It's probably the double infinitive (to) that's making it sound weird... how does "I will to Lucas be true" sound?
@Magmaggeddon "I will to Lucas be true" sounds fine to me. A touch old-fashioned and formal, but flows fine.