Vanessa was enshrouded in darkness no it was worse than darkness know this was something more profound it was the void.
"Wow the endless abyss sure is spacious if I was still alive I would have a field day decorating this place with Amanda and..."
At that point Vanessa realized her situation, she will never be able to see the people she cares about again. Due to this realization, she did the only thing she could do at that moment and that was to weep she wept and wept for what seemed like hours but could have been a few seconds or a few years within the void.
But then all of a sudden Vanessa saw a bright light
"Wow that's kind of stereotypical Amanda would literally be laughing her ass off right know" Vanessa chuckled a little and began to walk errr float towards the bright light.
As Vanessa got closer to the light she started to notice something as she got closer to the light.
And that was that she wasn't the only thing there. Surrounding the glowing ball almost as if they were in a business meeting was a group of people seemingly arguing. It wasn't until Vanessa got closer and began to hear their conversations that she realized these were not normal people.
" Ok, who was it that interrupted the cycle this time we all know that army was not supposed to survive that battle they were outnumbered a thousand to one for pete sake" stated a woman that would make a runway model look like a hobo.
" Oh shut up Lunari your just annoyed your little disgusting rotten elves couldn't defeat a handful of my perfect pure humans" stated a stereotypical playboy that also seemed to have a racist tendency.
"Oh will the both of you shut-up the whole reason we ever have these meetings in the first place is because you two can't stop interfering in the mortal world." said a demonic looking woman that seemed to personify the very idea of a succubus
" Surprisingly I agree with Lilith on this one Lunari you and Venator cause more problems then necessary if you keep doing so we will have to take action to deal with the imbalances that occur in the world." stated a beautiful angelic woman and when I say angelic I mean it literally a stereotypical angel.
"Oh come on Cassandra you have to side with me on this you know I'm right my humans are the superior race in this battle and if we join forces both our races could rule over them all." said Venator
"Oh shut up Venator that look of yours is just plain annoying not seductive" stated Cassandra
Their arguments seemed to continue for a while not noticing Vanessa. As Vanessa observed them she could kind of figure out who they are they were almost certainly gods and goddesses the fact that their forms seemed to match their respective races and they constantly kept arguing about preserving the balance and not interfering in the mortal world was a pretty large hint that lead to that conclusion. There were in total six of them the four of them that spoke were self-explanatory the goddess of the elves Lunari, the god of humans Venator, the goddess of demons Lilith and the goddess of angels Cassandra. But there were also two other beings that had not spoken yet; even so, it was pretty obvious who these two represented one seemed to be some form of beast-kin and the other seemed to be some sort of dragon race both where extremely beautiful women just like the other goddesses, all though the beast-kin goddess seemed to be a little ... 'flat chested.' Vanessa thought
All of a sudden the beast kin goddess stood up immediately and began to yell.
" That's it who called me flat Ill rip out your liver and eat it in front of you-you bastard it better not be you, Nadia" The outraged goddess said pointed at the other previously unnamed goddess," Just because you have big breasts and are a goddess doesn't mean I won't tear them off!" she yelled
"All the other gods and goddesses began to pale a little and instantly denied ever speaking such a word"
Then the Dragon woman spoke seemingly in a calming and almost...flirty matter.
" It wasn't me Vix you and I both learned to respect our assets when it comes to our bodies after all you look cute like that Vix" stated the Dragon woman
This caused the beast-kin woman to blush slightly and stutter.
"B-baka who cares what you think hmph, anyway if it wasn't any of you then who was it"
"Uhh sorry I wasn't trying to be rude when I thought that its just I was kind of studying you guys while you ignored me and it kind of past my mind." said Vanessa
There was utter silence within the void all the goddesses and the one god were staring at Vanessa slack-jawed
"Who are you?" they all said in unison.
Inserting that random jp word instead of idiot made me cringe
I kinda prefer random jp words >.>
Remind of when i read CN web
novel to point out the person who speak like an idiot they add "baka,(blablabla)"
Okay. I've read three of your chapters up to this point. Your punctuation is terrible. If you want I can go through a chapter with you on proper punctuation and you can use that as a sample to fix what you have written. I know it is not nice to hear this, but it is a necessary thing to have done correctly in order to keep people reading your story. I would keep reading this story if it had good punctuation, but I cannot handle my eyes hitting three or four errors per sentence, and like 20 or more per paragraph.
Beyond that, you have some slight word switches but those are easy fixes. Everything else seems to be alright. It is just punctuation.
It's only been a few chapters so far but hell, the interactions between characters is unbearable. It honestly feels like a couple of over excited teens are talking to each other and for some reason feel the need to put everything in one sentence. That, or if you read it slow, a few robots beeping and booping in Morse code. In any case, it's really unnatural and doesn't flow very well. I was hoping that it would change and the errors were only unknown mistakes but it seems that isn't the case. Shame. A tip, if you'll take it, is to read the sentences out loud. Usually you'll get a feel for if it's right or wrong.
i'd been letting it slide until now, but really it's "now" not "know". now is presentence, currently, in the moment, time-related. know is used for knowledge, information, etc. "i don't know where i am" "where are you now?" "what time is it right now?" "do you know what time it is right now?".
your punctuations also need work, a very serious lack of commas is present. otherwise an enjoyable story though.
Alright. I'm gonna make this real easy. Underline=delete, parens=add.
Vanessa was enshrouded in darkness(...)no, it was worse than darkness(.) know This was something more profound(;) it was the void.
"Wow the endless abyss sure is spacious(.) If I was still alive I would have a field day decorating this place with Amanda and..."
At that point(,) Vanessa realized her situation(:) she will (would) never be able to see the people she care(d) about again. Due to this realization, she did the only thing she could do at that moment and that was to weep(.) She wept and wept for what seemed like hours but could have been a few seconds or a few years(. Time was meaningless) within the void.
But then(,) all of a sudden(,) Vanessa saw a bright light(.)
"Wow that's kind of stereotypical(.) Amanda would literally be laughing her ass off right know (now,)" Vanessa chuckled a little and began to walk(—)errr float towards the bright light.
As Vanessa got closer to the light(,) she started to notice something as she got closer to the light.
And that was that(:) she wasn't the only thing there. Surrounding the glowing ball(,) almost as if they were in a business meeting(,) was a group of people seemingly arguing. It wasn't until Vanessa got closer and began to hear their conversations that she realized these were not normal people.
"Ok, who was it that interrupted the cycle this time(?) We all know that army was not supposed to survive that battle(.) They were outnumbered a thousand to one for (Pete's) sake(!)" stated a woman that would make a runway model look like a hobo.
"Oh shut up(,) Lunari(.) Your (You're) just annoyed your little disgusting(,) rotten elves couldn't defeat a handful of my perfect(,) pure humans" stated a stereotypical playboy that (who) also seemed to have a racist tendency.
"Oh(,) will the both of you shut up(?) The whole reason we ever have these meetings in the first place is because you two can't stop interfering in the mortal world(,)" said a demonic(-)looking woman that seemed to personify the very idea of a succubus(.)
"Surprisingly(,) I agree with Lilith on this one(.) Lunari(,) you and Venator cause more problems then necessary(.) If you keep doing so(,) we will have to take action to deal with the imbalances that occur in the world(,)" stated a beautiful angelic woman and when I say angelic I mean it literally a stereotypical angel.
"Oh come on(,) Cassandra(!) You have to side with me on this(!) You know I'm right(;) my humans are the superior race in this battle(,) and if we join forces(,) both our races could rule over them all(,)" said Venator(.)
"Oh shut up(,) Venator(.) That look of yours is just plain annoying(,) not seductive(,)" stated Cassandra(.)
Their arguments seemed to continue for a while(,) not (none yet) noticing Vanessa. As Vanessa (she) observed them(,) she could kind of figure out who they are (were.) They were almost certainly gods and goddesses(.) The fact that their forms seemed to match their respective races and they constantly kept arguing about preserving the balance and not interfering in the mortal world was a pretty large hint that lead to that conclusion. There were in total six of them(.) The four of them that spoke were self-explanatory(:) the goddess of the elves Lunari, the god of humans Venator, the goddess of demons Lilith and the goddess of angels Cassandra. But there were also two other beings that had not spoken yet; even so, it was pretty obvious who these two represented(.) One seemed to be some form of beast-kin(,) and the other seemed to be some sort of dragon race(.) Both where extremely beautiful women just like the other goddesses, all though (although) the beast-kin goddess seemed to be a little...'flat chested(,)' Vanessa thought(.)
All of a sudden(,) the beast(-)kin goddess stood up (and) immediately and began to yell.
"That's it(!) Who called me flat(?) I(')ll rip out your liver and eat it in front of you(, )you bastard(!) It better not be you, Nadia(,)" the outraged goddess said(,) pointed (pointing) at the other(,) previously unnamed goddess(. ")Just because you have big breasts and are a goddess doesn't mean I won't tear them off!" she yelled(.)
"All the other gods and goddesses began to pale a little and instantly denied ever speaking such a word(s.)"
Then the Dragon woman spoke seemingly in a calming and almost...flirty matter.
"It wasn't me(,) Vix(.) You and I both learned to respect (each other's) our assets when it comes to our bodies(.) After all(,) you look cute like that Vix(,)" stated the Dragon woman(.)
This caused the beast-kin woman to blush slightly and stutter.
"B-baka(.) Who cares what you think(?) Hmph, anyway if it wasn't any of you(,) then who was it(?)"
"Uhh sorry(.) I wasn't trying to be rude when I thought that(.) its (It's) just (that) I was kind of studying you guys while you ignored me and it kind of past (crossed) my mind(,)" said Vanessa(.)
There was utter silence within the void(.) all the (Five) goddesses and the one god were staring at Vanessa slack-jawed(.)
"Who are you?" they all said in unison.
For this chapter the punctuation needs work and the story doesn't seem to flow correctly here. Like we go from Vanessa immediately accepting that she's dead, then crying, then laughing,then finding these random people and accepting that their gods without any issue. Personally I'd rewrite the whole chapter.
"Who are you?"
Yes
Vanessa was enshrouded in darkness no it was worse than darkness know this was something more profound it was the void.
Vanessa was enshrouded in darkness. No it was worse than darkness, this was something more profound it was void of anything.