Her cat ears brought my doom.
The pings of my phone drove me mad since I left the apartment. I'm the type that never checks my messages, but with my anxiety this morning, I allowed myself a peek. I quickly lost grasp on my surroundings, but call it luck, fate, or destiny, the one time I looked up ahead, I spotted that girl. And she looked crazy beautiful.
She mesmerized me and set my heart ablaze before I reached the crosswalks. Affected by her spell, the semi-truck slipped under my radar. I froze up from the horns, only to stare death in the face.
"Whoa! Keep your eyes up." Leo yanked me back to the sidewalk, and adrenaline flooded my brain. The scent of the morning rain created an odd mixture with the stench of gasoline. "Don't get yourself run over."
The car missed me by a few inches, but I saw memories flash before my eyes. Unable to keep it cool, my chest wanted to burst while I took shallow breaths. Caused by the near miss or because I saw her, I struggled to tell.
"I'm alive," I confirmed with a shaky voice. My plans for today and the rest of my life quickly fell apart. They lost their meaning, and I only looked for the girl now, but to no avail.
"Play with your phone later, Nathan." Leonard said when I already forgot that those messages existed. "Don't die on your first day, mate. Who will pay your half of the rent?"
We became classmates in high school but remained strangers. We talked twice in total until he learned about my choice of university. I thought he wanted to make friends but looked for a roommate.
"I'm all right." I claimed once I finally glanced at the screen. Someone sent a picture to wish me luck, and I sure needed it. Leo stole a peek over my shoulder.
"Ooh, who's that cutie?" He perked up right after he complained about phones. "She cheers for you, huh? How nice to think you had a pretty girlfriend."
"Wha... No, she's my sister." I tried to hide the screen in protest as I texted her back. I never dared to dream of a girlfriend, and my priorities demanded my attention elsewhere. But now I desperately tried to find this girl again.
"You have a sister?!" His yell drew the attention of the campus, and I wanted to disappear. Introverted, I handled these kinds of situations poorly. "Yeah, that makes more sense, but she's cute. What's her name? You'll have to introduce me sometime."
"Dude, she's fourteen," I claimed, tired of his chatter. I longed for quieter friends in my comfortable life as a programmer. Work from home, maybe I'd become my boss one day, no rush or pressure, or anything to overwhelm me. I tried to find an escape route from his questions and the strange glances but finally spotted the girl instead.
The strange and colorful uniforms grabbed my attention while she walked past a cover band. A surreal picture in the park, only saw her long black hair flow behind them in the autumn breeze. She wore a childish hairband with cat ears, and they perfectly fit her. I needed to give chase.
A vehicle with a crane parked between us running an engine. People avoided that area, but I tried to cut across anyway. If my roommate hadn't caught up to pull me back again, I might have banged my head into the piano that hovered over the park.
"Nathan, seriously." Leo refused to unhand me before I grasped the situation. I watched a pale crane operator lower the huge instrument from a second-floor window as if he saw a ghost. "What the hell, dude?"
With the girl gone, the rest barely registered. The realization that I nearly died again only set in later. What happened to me exactly? I wanted to know too, but my heart beat like crazy as I tried to find her again. Leonard raised an eyebrow and shook his head.
"Pay more attention. I'll go this way." He bargained with me, but I couldn't make promises. "I'll leave you alone, okay?"
"Um, sure, see you later, Leo." I mumbled and waved him off. I noticed my strange behavior once my heart rate returned to normal, but I struggled with my nerves. Once the piano landed, the band members started to tune it.
"Roll up! Roll up for the Mystery Tour!" One of them sang right away. It fit my mood perfectly for this great adventure. I embarked on a strange new journey only seen in books and movies before. It felt like a dream until recently. Ironically, I arrived after a long, sleepless night.
I figured a song might help me relax, so I pulled my phone out and clicked on the browser history. The list contained videos from last night about blacksmiths. They helped me calm myself down, however weird that sounds.
I needed to find my lecture hall, so I searched for the song they practiced and the campus map. I advanced while my headphones blasted that Beatles song.
"Roll up! That's an Invitation! Roll up for the Mystery Tour!"
I enjoyed the late summer weather and followed the map towards the IT building. I finally relaxed once I managed to lock out all that noise and chatter, and the crowd ceased to exist in my head.
"Roll up! To make a reservation! Roll up for the Mystery Tour!"
While I wanted to make friends, University life appeared stressful already with a lot of strangers who gave me anxiety. Like the swimmer afraid of water, I refused to go near people and drown in their conversations.
"The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away..."
"You want to sign the attendance sheet?" A guy suddenly asked, and I ripped my headphones off. "You're here for programmer class too, right? The professor runs late because of a traffic accident."
I signed his paper and mumbled thanks, glad to find the right place. Even my late arrival became irrelevant. I felt lucky but nearly dropped the pen when someone brushed against my arm. They wrote a name right below mine with their left hand, and I smelled the scent of cinnamon.
They spelled Alexandra with calligraphic letters.
I found her! And so close, I counted the freckles sprinkled across her pointy nose. The red of her lips and the slight blush framed by her velvety hair urged my heart to jump.
"Okay, thanks! I'll notify you guys when the class begins." The student promised, taking back the papers before I read the rest.
She barely put on any makeup, not dressed to kill either. Her comfy jacket and skirt still commanded attention, complete with that headband over her black hair. The cat ears looked natural, and her smile made me believe it alone caused climate change.
She pulled away, and I stared at her slender back. I wanted to approach her, but how? If I rambled about love at first sight, she might think I'm a stalker. I lacked the courage anyway.
My eyes followed her like a magnet, my heart about to burst, like when that semi nearly ran me over. And we joined the same group.
First years at the Technical University, and while I looked the part, being gray, quiet, and awkward, she defied my expectations of the typical nerd. She won the title of the cutest girl on the campus.
Alexandra. I inspected our group to realize how others tried to devour her with their eyes. She dropped her notes when she left, but I noticed it too late. Two guys raced each other to help her, and it turned into a competition.
The papers returned to her folder before she realized it, and she exchanged friendly smiles with her helpers. I burned with envy as the two followed her and fought for her attention.
"Okay, sorry, they canceled today's class." The student with the attendance sheet came back a few minutes later. "If you have any more, feel free to head over there or visit the cafeteria. Find it in the central building, impossible to miss."
He told the truth. It overlooked the auditorium, situated in a prominent place. I expected Alexandra to stand out but lost her sight again. With the nice enticing around me, I rushed to order food.
Since she never showed up, I wolfed everything down and hurried to return the tray. But I stumbled, and the knife fell with its blade up. I failed to understand how it happened, but I nearly headbutted into my rogue utensil.
For the third time today, I survived the most random accident, unable to tell if luck or misfortune chased me around.
I took my time to stand up slowly and decided to take a break in the auditorium. I wanted to replay the song from my browser history and calm myself down on my way out. Just as I plugged my headphones in, I heard a stomach grumble loudly. I cast my vote on luck once I realized how I ran into her again.
"The Magical Mystery Tour is hoping to take you away..."
She blushed, and I pretended not to hear. I continued towards the stairs but turned back to face her. Our eyes met for the first time, and her iris looked incredible. I wanted to say something, but words failed me from that sight.
Golden and hazel with a dark ring around it, if the light bounced from the right angle, I saw a strange cyan hue around the edges. My blood rushed to my face, and I slowly backed away.
I still wrecked my brain about what to say, and her eyes and face burned into my memories. The way she smiled, or her eyelashes fluttered, the position of each freckle on her face. As someone who never experienced love before, I felt overwhelmed, and time as I perceived it ground to a stop.
Then suddenly, her bashful smile gave way to a worried expression. The ground disappeared below my feet, and the cable of my headphones came loose. The last part of the song blasted on max volume.
"The Magical Mystery Tour. Is dying to take you away! Dying to take you away! Take you today!"
I love the artwork, so I hope I like the story that goes with it. I'm only just now reading it, so I will comment again later.
Interesting start, very well written for my standarts ;P
Ty for the chapter Will be interested if you post more of this!
i had this sitting in a tab waiting to decide on reading or not as i got though the tab collection, with the old synopsis i think not, but i see that has been changed, and some things are just gone from it, as is its a maybe but only because I remember the one it started out with. and I hope that is not where it will go so im hopeful it will follow this new rout. i think that you could have a 3ed revision of the synopsis page still . it's not the clearest . and i can't help but notice that you still have a romance subplot , but don't say anything about it or whatever type it would be .
Sorry for posting this here, but im not sure where else I would tell you such feedback about your index synopsis page.
Interesting start, but how did they avoid that knife ?
I keep editing/updating both the synopsis and the chapters themselves. He avoided the knife by simply not headbutting into it. But considering his track record for the day, that was already an achievement.
Great start to your story. I think you could come back at a later date and update the grammar so that it isn’t as rough to read. That’s my suggestion anyway.
I'm actually working on a rewrite right now. The format didn't really take shape until the 9th chapter, so I'm planning to redo the ones before that, and bring them up to scratch. All of them at once.
It wasn't exactly clear what happened. Did the MC get bumped down the stairs? Were her eyes somehow not meant to be stared at, and doing so, even on accident freed his soul from his body, sending him on to the next life? I agree that it's interesting, very much so, and I do enjoy it, but perhaps there's a small change to be made to explain it clearer, without simply stating "this happened". Understanding that the less clarity in the original world, the better for the story, as it will be more like a tiny hint at a past life, and not a defining part of their new character. Meh, I'll wait for more, and see where you take it.
Simply put, it was meant to be a short hook to grab your attention. In that regard, it seemed to work as planned. I did not want to overexplain everything right off the bat, just give some clues, and leave it up to the reader to put the puzzle-pieces together. But maybe with my last minute decision to turn the transformation part into a ballad, and focus more on the syllable count and rhymes than the meaning I overdid it. It's difficult for me to balance it, but by the time I reach the 1000th chapter, it should be fine!
@baandrews It is indeed intriguing. I do hope you didn't take my comment in a negative light. A couple things to bring up, that haven't become an issue as of yet for this tale. don't use -, or = as a separator. Auto readers will read each one as the word. So for example ----- would be read as dash dash dash dash dash. Same if it were equals you used. Very annoying. * does not get read though, so it's a perfect choice for that function.
If you're going RPG style with a System, and Stat pages, put any Stat pages aside from the first one, behind spoiler tags, they can be opened, and closed by the reader, so it's a perfect compromise.
Lastly, avoid Earth Idioms, in the other world. Aside from the MC, nobody in the other world should understand the Thumbs Up gesture, or a Phrase like Being Off Track. Unless the culture has an equal source for the Idiom to manifest from. Tends to break emersion when that happens.
@srkiesser1 absolutely not, in fact I was hoping for all kinds of feedback, as there is always room to improve.
These are some solid advice, though I wasn't planning on using separators. I prefer to keep the chapters short and coherent, aka stay with one character, and in the same scene. If it changes, that will be another chapter, so there shouldn't be a need for separators. No statblocks in this one either, game-y isekais with menus and levels are a bit of a turnoff for me (even though there are some good ones out there, but this trope is seriously overdone). Hopefully I'll be able to avoid the last mistake too, but since english isn't my first language (or even second...) I bet I'm gonna run into something like this every now and then.
@baandrews Speaking of Stat Sheets. It is sometimes helpful to make Character sheets for your own personal use. These are for repeat characters. Full descriptions, little backstory that explains why they act how they act, or when they got what scar, and what they were doing at the time. You then add to them as that character is changed either emotionally, which would change their actions, or physically changing their appearance, or movements. It's meant as a quick guide for you, so if you need to use that character, but it's been fifteen chapters since the last time you did, and can't quite remember that one new detail, you don't have to slog through the relevant chapter to remind yourself, just pull up that character's sheet and check it.
There's also a Concept that I learned from J. R. R. Tolkein. He said that it's best to write a story from the perspective of the LKC (Least Knowledgable Character). This person in any situation will naturally ask all the questions we the reader are asking, thereby avoiding what he entitled the thesis of tedium. Authors sometimes put entire chapters devoted to a massive lore dump, similar to the intro to several anime, that almost everyone wants to skip, at least on a rewatch. That's the Beauty of Isekai, it takes a person who thinks like us, relatively at least, and plops them into the unknown to ask the questions we want the answers to, such as why that rock is glowing, and hovering three centimeters off the ground. Anyway, keep having fun!
@baandrews bonjours un conseil que j'aurai pour vous c'est de dire qui dis quoi comme le Mc a dis ou pense sa ^^car dans certain histoire et est dure de suivre le dialoge méme si les personnages on un tic de language ^^ voila je vais continue ma lecture sur ce ^^
@Sayanel I do include who talks every time, unless it is completely obvious. But sometimes I might refer to the same people by different names.
@baandrews oui j'ai vus sa par la suite du coup désoler du commentaire pas forcement construtif ^^