Dysphoria
Over the last few years, I'd started to avoid mirrors. Even when fishing, I would try my best not to look at my reflection in the water. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but seeing myself had always made me feel strange, as if the body I was looking at wasn’t me. I’d always associated this reaction with everything else going on in my life: I hadn’t been happy, being a guard had been a miserable existence—even though I had chosen it over living on the streets. My life had been atrocious: sleep, wake up, be on guard duty, obey orders. So, naturally, I didn’t like how I looked; my body represented this life I hated. This had been my best guess for as long as I could remember.
But what I was seeing couldn’t be happening, either; it wasn’t possible. Having your body turn into something completely different was absurd; why had I believed the sword to be able to do such a thing in the first place? Your appearance was something you were born with, and you couldn’t really change it in a drastic way. I mean, sure, it evolved over the course of your life, but you would still be you at the end of the day.
Lucyna’s calm voice brought me back to my senses. “There, everything’s fine. Deep breaths. Take your time, you’re gonna be okay.” She was holding me for the second time today, this time as a human. I tried to control my breathing and closed my eyes. Her body was so warm even in this form, and I couldn’t help relaxing into her embrace, just like I had done earlier in the day.
“I feel so lost,” my weak voice finally managed to say, “I don’t know what’s happening anymore.”
“I’ll tell you everything I know,” she said gently. “At first, I thought it might be best to wait before teaching you how the Dragonblade works, since you seemed to have no idea what it did. But now that… this is happening, there’s no point in delaying it further. And besides, I have found some information that is relevant to this,” she added with a soft smile. “Come with me!”
She took my hand, and I followed her. We walked in the central alley for what felt like hours, even if it was probably closer to twenty seconds. I tried not to think about anything. She was going to tell me what was going on, and then she could just revert all of this. I had no right to be anyone other than Henry, the silly soldier fisher guy. Maybe she wouldn’t even have to do anything for that; I could just put the sword back where I’d found it or toss it in the sea, Lucyna wouldn’t get trapped in it again, and that would be the end of it. Alright, I failed not to think about anything.
We arrived at the ‘D’ sign and entered the alley. This one had way more books than what I’d seen in the earlier rows, and at the end, I could see some large pillows on the wooden floor against the wall, as well as a small sofa. Lucyna settled into it, and I collapsed on a beanbag full of feathers, trying my best not to look at the window that was now right behind me.
“I think the mages have been spending quite some time here preparing their stupid expedition,” she said with a mocking tone. “Good for us! This is so much more comfortable than the mix of ice and snow from last night.” I guess she was right, even if what I had slept on myself was still way softer than these pillows. “So. I think it’s best to begin with, well, dragons! They’re not dead! Actually, I think most of them are still alive.” She grabbed a book next to her that she’d left open, and I caught a glimpse of the title: Dragons and the First War: History of the Lands of Hal.
“So, wait, you found a history book?” I asked suspiciously. “I thought most of these had disappeared.” A few seconds passed before I realised what she’d just said. “Hold on, what do you mean ‘most of them are still alive’?” I whispered-shouted.
“Well, first off, this is definitely a history book, so I guess they kept some in here? And secondly, yes, dragons are still around! Most importantly, I was deceived by how humans call all of this the ‘First War’,” she explained. “We both thought there had been deadly fighting between man and dragonkind after I was imprisoned in the sword, but that wasn’t the case. Dragons being driven out of society by propaganda, at a time when I was still free, is what you call the First War nowadays,” she said excitedly, holding the thick book in one hand and pointing frantically towards it with the other.
This was a lot of new knowledge to take in. So the First War wasn’t really a war in the usual sense of the word?
“The human mastery of magic was much more advanced back then,” she continued. “But as it happened, it wasn’t available to the people, and only the highborns had access to it—which probably explains why humans have lost most magical knowledge nowadays,” she said with disdain. “In any case, it wasn’t an empty threat, and that was enough to prompt the dragons to isolate themselves from society, in order to stay safe.”
“Withholding access to knowledge, huh? Sounds familiar,” I said, sarcastically looking at our book-filled surroundings. “But anyway, what did the government have against dragons?”
Lucyna sighed. “Well, as you saw earlier, dragons can use magic. And because the highborns were so adamant on keeping it for themselves, they saw us as a threat. They were scared of us.”
“And because they didn’t want to risk losing to you, they drove you off without any physical violence,” I deduced.
“Precisely. But there is still one thing I haven’t explained in all of this. Something to do with… who I am. And with what’s happening to you right now.”
As she said this, I couldn’t help but examine my body again. It seemed like my hands had shrunk a little, and their skin was much softer than before. I also felt like the top part of my uniform was starting to have some trouble containing my chest, and I had a pretty good idea of what was happening.
“My body’s turning into a girl, isn’t it? But why?”
“That is indeed the gist of it, and, as you might have guessed, it is happening because of the sword. I don’t think you’ve had time to examine it yet, so go on,” she encouraged me. “You might learn a thing or two.”
She was right; the last couple of days had been quite eventful, and I hadn’t been able to take a good look at the sword. I pulled it from my belt and brought it closer to my eyes. The first thing that struck me was its condition. The rust that had covered it earlier was now gone, and the blade seemed almost new. The hilt was also in a much better state than what I’d seen, and I could now make out a lot of detail.
“It’s… a dragon!” I said in disbelief.
Its tail made up the guard of the sword, and its body the grip. In the place of the pommel was its head, and I couldn’t help but marvel at how beautifully crafted the whole thing was. The hilt was decorated with rose, azure, and cloudy-coloured gems, and I could swear they were still emitting a faint glow.
“This sword is called the Dragonblade,” Lucyna said simply. “It was crafted centuries ago by dragons as a means of allowing regular people to become dragons themselves.”
I felt my heart drop into my chest, and long seconds passed before I could say anything.
“Is… Is that… Am I…?” I eloquently asked.
“You are. This is what the Dragonblade is doing to you. You’re becoming like me!” Lucyna explained in a comforting tone.
“But… Why me? And why like this? I’m not a girl…” I said with what was now definitely a girl’s voice.
“I know it can be scary at first, especially if you’ve been feeling… disconnected from your body your whole life. I went through it too, you know? I wasn’t born a dragon.”
“Really? Did you use the sword, then?”
“I did… Or, rather, we did, my sister and I. Her name was Lirina.”
I suddenly felt very sad for Lucyna. To be forcefully imprisoned in a sword for five hundred years and to wake up in a world where everything and everyone you knew and loved was long gone must have been devastating.
“I hope she is still alive,” she continued with a worried face.
“Wait, what? Are dragons immortal, on top of everything else?”
“Well, in a sense, yeah,” she giggled at my incredulity, “we don’t really die of old age. We still can get sick or mortally wounded, though, so we don’t really call it ‘immortal’”.
She gave me a few moments to take in the news. I was slowly understanding why she’d chosen to wait a little before telling me all this, as I probably would not have believed her if my transformation hadn’t already begun.
“But before I tell you why you’re becoming a woman, take some time to think about it. Try to figure out what you’re feeling; I know it’s scary, but that’s normal. If it helps, I can ask some questions to guide you,” Lucyna gently offered.
“I… I think I’d like you to,” I replied softly.
“All right. First, try to forget about who you’re supposed to be. It doesn’t mean anything, especially now that you’re no longer a guard. Did you like your appearance?”
“No. But that’s okay, right? Not everyone likes how they look.”
“Of course, but living your whole life in a body you don’t appreciate is not healthy! Try to think about the details!” she explained. “If you could use magic to tweak certain features of your… former body, what would you do? You don’t have to tell me out loud if you don’t want to.”
Well, this was easy. To start with, there was my hair. Having short hair was mandatory for royal guards and soldiers. Even at the orphanage, boys had short hair by default, and I remembered being envious of girls for being allowed to have longer hairstyles, which I’d always found much prettier. Then my face: I found it bulky and weirdly proportioned. My nose was too big, my jaw was too wide, my eyebrows were too thick and bushy, and my beard was a sensory nightmare that always grew back, just like the rest of my body hair.
I’d never thought about those individually; instead, I’d always blamed ‘my body’, whatever that meant. But now that I truly noticed every one of these features separately, it was hard to remain neutral. What would I do to them if I had magic powers? Simple: I would change them. I could never live my whole life like this.
I looked at Lucyna and quietly nodded.
“Are you done? Now look behind you,” she encouraged me.
I turned around and faced my reflection in the window.
My hair had grown, and still had this bright, beautiful red colour. My face was completely different. My nose had become smaller, my jaw had thinned, my eyebrows were a lot narrower than before and had also become red. The soft skin I’d felt on the back of my hand earlier was now the same everywhere on my body, and I no longer felt any body hair.
“Again, try to think in a vacuum: you aren’t meant to look a certain way.” Lucyna’s voice startled me. “What if you could choose between your former body and a woman’s body? What if you could look like this?”
I tried to answer, but I didn’t really know what to say. I could never go back to looking like how I used to a few hours earlier, that much was certain. And the person I was looking at in the window was finally me, I could feel it. It seemed as if I was finally free to move around, no longer hindered by some unused weight.
“Am… Am I allowed to?” I timidly asked.
“Yes! In fact, that’s exactly how the Dragonblade works,” Lucyna pointed out. “It knows who you want to be and what you want to look like, and the more you think about it, the faster the transformation is. As your body gets closer to its preferred form, your soul gains its additional dragon part! Of course, the way you want to look like can evolve over time, which is why the sword can be used several times by the same person.”
“I see… Then… Yeah, I think the sword might be right about me.” I smiled. “That might… That is who I want to be.”
“I’m glad you found yourself,” Lucyna said with a smile. “And also, don’t think the Dragonblade did all the work for you. Your soul knew what it wanted, and in a way, the sword simply helped it achieve its goal.”
A grin had appeared on my face, and I kept looking at myself in the mirror for a while.
“You’re really like me, aren’t you?” I finally asked. “You know… The whole ‘becoming a girl’ thing?”
“Yup! Me and my sister were in the army before, and when the government started openly oppressing dragons, we deserted. Lirina knew more about dragons than me, and it was her who suggested using the Dragonblade on us. We went to the largest dragon settlement at the time, and after helping their community for a few weeks to prove our good intentions, we were allowed to become dragons ourselves.”
“Then… How did you get your name? Is it something that… other dragons give you, maybe?”
Lucyna reassured me. “Oh, no, not at all! You’re free to choose it yourself, like I did, but you can ask your friends, your family, or anyone else to name you.”
“I think I have something in mind. Actually, I’ve been thinking a little bit about it since I first noticed the changes, in case… this would be the outcome. I’m Emily!”
“Well, Emily, let’s go meet the other dragons!”
D'aww, Emily ❤️❤️❤️
🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵
Awwww! I'm so happy for Emily!