“Jason, this is Mira,” Freddie says by way of introduction as the feathered girl takes a seat next to her. “We’ve known each other since freshman year.”

Mira gives me her little half smile. “Heyyyyyyy, Jason,” she says in her usual flat voice. 

I force myself to sit up, glaring at her all the way. “Hey,” I respond, my voice dripping with venom. But Freddie, bless her heart, is either completely oblivious to my reaction to our new lunchtime companion, or she’s entirely unwilling to acknowledge it.

“We were just talking about Jason’s girl troubles,” Freddie explains, not realizing she was talking to one of the sources of those same troubles. “He’s not super comfortable with all the attention he’s been getting lately.”

Mira nods along, as though she was only just hearing about this, and hadn’t been stalking my online presence like everyone else. “Makes sense. No offense dude, but you looked pretty down in Chem.”

“Oh, you guys have Chem together?” Freddie asks.

“Yeah, we’re lab partners,” I provide, unwilling to elaborate.

Freddie smiles at me. “Lucky you!” she says with total sincerity. “Mira’s probably my best friend, we’ve known each other since freshman year, and if it wasn’t for her I probably would have failed half my classes.” She turns back to Mira, that smile on her face making her look like an adorable puppy. “I was just telling him that you’re probably the smartest person I know, so I thought you might have some ideas on how to help.”

“Well, I am pretty smart,” she responds deadpan, as if the compliment was merely an observation. Mira holds her chin for a moment, looking as though she’s all deep in thought, though personally I suspect that her affectation is just theater for our mutual friend. “I can think of at least three half-decent ideas, though some of ‘em are gonna be easier to pull off than others.”

“I knew I could count on you,” Freddie says with a slap on Mira’s back, causing Mira to have to readjust in her seat to not slip off. “What are you thinking?”

She gets a self satisfied little smirk on her face, which I’m starting to realize can only mean trouble. “The first one’s kind of a long shot, but if we get Jason a girl’s uniform, he could disguise himself as - ”

“Absolutely not,” I interrupt, shutting that shit down immediately and wiping that smug smile from Mira’s face as Freddie laughs. For a moment her feathers start to fluff up like an actual bird, which I’m sure is some sort of emotional display, though I couldn’t possibly guess what it’s supposed to mean as her face stays infuriatingly neutral.

“Right, next option then. If we can forge you a doctor’s note - “

“I like this already,” Freddie interjects.

“ - we can make it seem like you have some sort of terminal illness. You can stay home whenever you need to, and if we say it’s contagious, people will probably actively avoid you.”

I drop my head into my hands. I honestly can’t tell if she’s actually trying to help of if she’s just fucking with me for the fun of it. “Two problems, Mira; one, I think I can make a good argument that it’s extremely immoral and unethical to pretend I’m fucking dying, and two, I’m not going to commit actual fraud.”

Freddie gives me her own smug little look. “Eh, a little crime never hurt anybody.”

I shoot her the most scathing glare I can muster. “That is provably untrue.” I’m reasonably sure that she’s just messing with me, but it’s still a little irritating.

Mira sighs like I’m the one being unreasonable here. “Fine then, third option. This one’s probably the easiest one, and the safest one to boot.”

I feel my eyebrow twitch. If I have to spend any more time around this girl I’m going to develop high blood pressure. “Then why didn’t you mention it first?”

She pauses for a moment before answering me. “You won’t like it.”

I cross my arms. “I haven’t liked any of them so far, and that hasn’t stopped you yet.”

“Fair enough,” she says with a shrug. “Option three is you take me up on my offer.”

I let out a heavy sigh, now far beyond thoroughly annoyed, but before I can reject that suggestion outright, Freddie interjects. 

“Hold up, what offer?” she asks, looking between the two of us.

But before I can formulate a response, Mira’s moves to answer the question. “I had already planned on helping him out with his girl trouble, but when I asked Jason out on a date last night, he turned me down.”

“I’m not interested in dating anyone,” I quickly fill in as Freddie looks at me, her brow knit. “I just got out of a bad relationship, and I’m spending some time working on myself, okay?”

“Yeah, okay, fine,” Freddie responds, before eyeing me with a sympathetic smile. “But it really would help if you were going steady with someone. You could just say you were exclusive, and I’m sure you’d be left alone for the most part.”

“Yeah, you’re not the first person to suggest that to me.” I wasn’t about to tell them about our conversation last night, but I had to admit both her and my mother had a point, at least as far as I could tell. While I was a little skeptical that being in a relationship would prevent girls from approaching me, at the very least it gave me a reasonable excuse to shut down any pursuit. Because based on how her and my mom have reacted to my desire to be single, I have a feeling “I don’t wanna” isn’t gonna cut it for most girls in this world.

“Wait,” Mira interjects, “I just came up with a fourth plan.”

I scoff. “Let me guess, you’re gonna suggest I fake being gay?”

She shakes her head, but seems to think better of it after a moment. “That’s not a bad backup, but no.” She leans in, causing me and Freddie to do the same, as she whispers to us her genius idea. “Why don’t you just fake being exclusive? Make up a girlfriend and lie about it?”

I mull the idea over for a moment. Honestly, I should have thought of it myself… but I have a feeling it wouldn’t be that easy. 

“Alright,” I say, “it would solve the immediate problem, but given how easily most of the school was able to find my online accounts, it’s only a matter of time before someone realizes I’ve never posted about this hypothetical secret girlfriend.”

“So say it’s a new relationship then,” Freddie offers, but me and Mira shake our heads in unison.

 I try very hard to ignore the fact that for once I seem to find myself in agreement with the weird bird girl. “After what I said to Ashley, nobody’s going to buy that. I was pretty explicit about not wanting a girlfriend, after all.”

“Yeah,” Mira starts, “you basically shouted loud enough to let the whole school know. Okay then, let’s tweak the idea. You say you’re dating me, we fake being exclusive, and everybody leaves you alone. Foolproof plan.”

The idea would be tempting, if it weren’t for the nature of the girl suggesting it. But just as I begin to consider my options, the bell tone over the intercoms signal the end of lunch, bringing an abrupt end to our scheming. “Let’s table this idea for now,” I say as diplomatically as I can as I grab my tray and stand. “I don’t hate it, but I’m definitely not thrilled about the idea yet. If you’re free,” I say looking at Freddie and pointedly not at Mira, “we can meet up after school and talk more about it.” 

Unfortunately, Freddie answers my suggestion with a wince. “Actually, I’ve got to get home pretty quick after school. I’ve got a… family thing going on.”

“I’m free,” Mira offers immediately. “We can walk home together and work out the kinks.”

But to be honest, considering how thirsty this girl has been so far, I don’t want to hear the word “kink” out of her mouth whatsoever. 

“We’ll see,” I answer noncommittally, as we all make our way out of the cafeteria.

~~~

The rest of the day goes by mercifully easily, though boringly. To my total consternation, a few girls come up to me and introduce themselves, apparently having found their courage much like my mother predicted. An array of various animal girls attempt their best to court my attention over the course of the last two periods, but I quickly become somewhat jaded to both their appearances and their unsubtle flirting. It’s funny, but at one time in my life a cute catgirl awkwardly hitting on me probably would have been a total anomaly, and the novelty of it would have made my entire year. Now, it was a nuisance I’m trying my very best to avoid.

In the interest of fairness, I do consider the idea a bit more. Faking a relationship shouldn’t be too difficult, right? All I’d really have to do is tell all my potential suitors “sorry I’m taken”, hang out with a girl on a regular basis, and occasionally post online about my “girlfriend”.

The real issue then, is who would be my fake paramour?

In any case, I make my way out of the school as soon as the bell rings in fourth period. As soon as I see Mira waiting for me at the gate, I let out a heavy sigh, but nonetheless change my angle to start walking towards her.

“Heyyyyyyy Jason,” she says as I get close.

“Alright, let’s get this over with. What’s your deal?”

She just stares at me blankly. “Whad’you mean?”

I throw my hands up in the air in frustration. “You give me the third degree, you stalk me online, and now you’re trying to help me? What’s your angle?”

She just shrugs, her face still impassive. “No angle. Freddie seems to like being around you, and ya know. A friend of hers is a friend of mine.” For a moment, I’m surprised to hear my own words thrown back at me, but the lack of smugness on her face makes me think that it might actually be a coincidence.

“So… why that whole spiel yesterday?” I ask, now legitimately curious.

“Because Freddie doesn’t make a lot of friends,” she answers, as though it were obvious. “She’s been stabbed in the back before by people she trusted, and she’s scared of letting people close. So her singling you out and hanging out with you right off the bat, not to mention inviting you out to her favorite burger place, wasn’t just out of character for her. It surprised the fuck out of me.”

“...oh.” 

And that’s all I had in response. I felt the air rush out of my lungs like I’d been punched in the chest. “Really?”

She nods. “Yeah, really. But luckily for her, you seem like a nice enough guy. So for now, you’re on probation. Congrats, and welcome to the friendship.” She stretches her back a little, then starts suddenly walking, motioning me to follow. “Now let’s get back to the dorm, so we can figure out how we’re gonna sell your fake girlfriend to all of your secret not-so-secret admirers.”

I catch up with her quickly, though only in the physical sense. This girl’s mind seems to work at a thousand miles a minute, and every time I talk to her I feel like I’m left in the dust. “Is that the plan we’re going with then?”

“Oh, so it’s a “we” now?” she says, that damn smirk back on her face. “Don’t worry babygirl, I’ll take good care of you.”

I try very hard to keep my poker face and not give her the satisfaction of seeing my annoyance. If I make it out of this whole debacle alive, it’ll be through no help of hers.