It hurt as usual.

 

It began with a light pressure. In the beginning I hopelessly believed that this time that the pain would stay that way. My hopes were dashed as the pressure began deepening. The center of my eye felt like they were being dug out. The prickling sensation of the scalpel sunk deeper into my eyes. 

 

They continued to use their tools. I could feel every scrape and brush of the scalpel. I twitched my fingers restlessly but I kept my face impassive. They didn’t like to see the emotion. Told me it was distracting. 

 

At that moment, I had the illusion of being a voodoo doll. I was defenseless as they used my body as a target for their morbid fascination. I couldn’t lift a single finger as they targeted their needles into my eyes, made me shake and desperately forced me from physically reacting to the pain. I wanted to struggle, to break free from my restraints, to fuck up these inhuman creatures with their blank faces. I wanted to choke them, to feel them struggle in pain, to treat them like the toy I was made into. Molded for their uses like an object.

 

But I didn’t and I couldn’t. I knew I’d be punished. I knew the situation would worsen. I knew my anger wouldn’t be able to get me anywhere.

 

They chattered restlessly. I couldn’t hear anymore as the pain overwhelmed my rational thoughts. 

 

Each minute dragged on for what seemed like hours. And I couldn’t help but give up on thinking.

 

The rest of my memory was hazy. But the pain gradually lessened as I felt the relief come. We were done.

 

All I could see was black. A pair of blindfolds covered my eyes. I could feel the fabric on my face. 

 

The experiment ended. I was laid down on the chair which also functioned as a operating table. I didn’t have the energy to pick myself up. My body felt as though it was filled with lead.So I laid there in silence as the researchers left the room.  They were nonchalant. As usual. I could hear it in their tones, from how slow and gentle they moved.

 

My eyes were still closed. The residual sensations of the experiment made my eyes throb. A gradual fear began to enter my heart. I didn’t want to know. Whether I lost my eyes this time. If I finally ran out of the luck I had since I arrived. As I grasped the blindfold in my hands I realized this is why Abeni decided to bring the blindfold. To leave that unease in me, to make me more obedient.

 

The terrifying thing is, I was almost sure, despite my fears, that I wouldn’t see any change when it was over. Like a hallucination I’ll continue to question my own understanding.  I haven’t seen much traces from the previous experiments. I haven't had any scars. It felt as though my body was in denial with the events that occurred, and that made me more desperate. Fearful that it was going to happen when I was caught off guard.

I looked the same as the day I entered the lab facility despite the countless experiments I gone through. 

I wasn’t sure what or who I was. I was still physically the same person I was before I arrived. I looked as though I was, but everything that made me who I inherently was shifted by someone else's liking. 

The sound system turned on and kept me from sinking deeper into my head. A voice cleared its throat.

 

“Patient 5671, your experimentation is over. The door to the restroom is now open. Researcher Goldie will help you.”

 

It was Jakobe. He sounded just as unaffected as the rest of them. As usual.

 

The sound system closed. It was only me in the lab room now. But I knew that there were monitors watching my every move. So I kept my face impassive, my demeanor calm and undisturbed. Even if I felt suffocation rise in my chest.The patient gown I was wearing was filled with cold sweat. But I didn’t pay that much attention. They wouldn’t be able to see how it affected me. 

After a moment, someone who I assumed was Goldie gently grasped my arm and guided me.

 

I was surprised. Most researchers were impatient when they dealt with me. We paused and I heard the sound of the automatic door open. Goldie let go of my arm. I heard them shuffle away from me.

“I’m sorry.”

 

A small voice came from my right. My fingers twitched in surprise at the sound.

 

It was Goldie.

 

Her voice trembled a little as she said those words. I could hear the sincerity in her tone. Perhaps she was grieving for me. I felt a bit soothed at her message. It was the first time in a while that I heard from someone who was human.

 

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

I responded in a dry tone. My lips were chapped and cracked.

 

I didn’t bother putting any emotion into my words. I was tired and bitter. I doubt someone still sympathetic like her would’ve been a part of my medical operations, but she was still here at the laboratorium. She was on the same side as the rest of them.

Even so, I believed she didn’t operate on me. So she didn’t need to apologize. 

The world of the verses was simply like this.

 

I heard her swallow. Perhaps it was her nerves. She left my side as I entered the bathroom. I heard the light tapping of her shoes against the floor.

I stood in front of the usual mirror. I felt the cold touch of the sink as I guided myself to my usual place.

My eyes flinched when I struggled to make them open. I took a deep breath in. Slowly but surely, I felt my eyes open and adjust to the light. I could still see. The tension from the reveal left my body. I stared at the mirror in front of me and regarded my tired face.

 

I wasn’t sure what kind of emotion I had right now. 

 

My blue eyes were a dull color. I was always unsatisfied by how lifeless they looked but they were more empty than usual. I clenched the sink and tried to turn on the water. I wanted to wash my face but for some reason I couldn’t part my hands away from the sink. I gripped onto the white tub as my fingers trembled.

 

I gritted my teeth. I stopped out of concern that they would crack. 

 

My delayed reaction followed.

 

I felt a swell of rage. I wanted to dunk the sink down the toilet, shatter the mirror and fuck up the walls. I wanted to charge out of here and choke that damn bitch to death. . I wanted to be free of the fucking bullcrap I had to deal with. 

 

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. No matter how much I wanted to I couldn't resist. So instead. I just sighed. I carefully put my expression back up and peered back up at the mirror, taking my hands closer to the water.

The sound of the water was repetitive. It irked me with its ridiculous thudding sound. I splashed my cheeks and forehead, but kept a distance from my eyes. I doubted I would be able to touch them for the while. I stood up and closed the running faucet as quickly as possible. 

I left with my face impassive. Once again.