Cycle 2102

Today, Ellie asked me out of the blue where I would want to live.

“If you live anywhere in the solar system, where would you be?”

And of course, I answered, “Wherever you are, silly,” and she smiled and kissed my cheek.

“Ok, where would we live if you could pick anywhere for us?”

I had to think about it.

Vineta before the war would’ve been my number one pick, but we don’t have a time machine. Still, the small settlements the Nation has managed to build atop the oceans are somewhat promising, and I would love the opportunity to live on a beachfront and just be able to stick my feet in some cool, but not freezing water whenever I wanted to.

And from there, we dreamt on.

“What kind of house would we have?” A cozy little cottage right by the waterfront. Wood stove, fine, oak construction, an outdoor patio with some of those swinging chairs, and some pets, a big, fluffy dog, and a small, adorable kitten. There would be fish in the water, and we’d have a small pier and boat to go out and catch them. At night, we could light up an outdoor fireplace and sit outside and watch the stars and ships fly by. We’d inspire others to come along and join us, and we’d end up building our own little community together.

“What would we do for a living?” Well, I’d probably devote myself to painting and art full-time. I could do portraits for commission, paint beautiful vistas to exhibit in museums, and perhaps I could even indulge myself in more sensual affairs just for the two of us. Ellie said she’d like to open her own mechanic's shop for doing everything from fixing cars to repairing old radios. Instantly I pictured the thought of her in a worn pair of coveralls with splotches of grease across her hands and face after working head-first on some old vintage model. That is so much her. I couldn’t imagine her doing anything else.

“Would we have any kids?”

I wasn’t expecting that. Ellie, you’ve made it through all of my books, haven’t you?

I’d never given it thought. Ellie hasn’t either, which, well, she’s a Replika, but she said she meant her Gestalt life had never thought of it either. Maybe she never got the chance to consider it.

It made me think of my mother. She did the best she could raising me, she made me the woman I am today, the same one the Nation tried so very hard to kill.

Could I be that for someone else? Am I even capable of being that? Do I want that responsibility?

I wanted to just say, “Let’s not get carried away in our fantasies,” and leave it at that, but I couldn’t.

With Ellie, what do I want? Who do I want to be? Do I just want to just be Ariane Yeong, an amateur artist turned space pilot? Or do I want more than that? Can I even have more?

I couldn’t give a definitive answer, I didn’t know, but, I said that’s okay.

Finding those answers together is part of our journey of love.