Chapter 24: Psychosis

"Yo, what the fuck happened to you?" Gordo said, looking at the cuts all over my hands.

I took a hit before saying anything.

"Ok… So this guy…" I paused, unsure whether to disclose the truth or to keep Jocelyn's business private. I was still infatuated with her and I hated myself for it.

"Kashi. Tell me, brother. What happened?"

I looked into his eyes, feeling a brotherly camaraderie… I told him everything that happened. Gordo nodded silently, and after a long pause between us both…

"Don't worry, holmes. I'll take care of it."

Those words again, 'take care of it'. What did he mean? The speculations ran through my mind, and I wanted the worst to be true. "No, it's all good man… Thank you though. Really, I do appreciate it."

Gordo patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. You family." He gave me a fist bump and went to talk to Ariel. "Zack was his name, right?"

I nodded my head and Gordo rubbed his nose and left. I sat alone for a while until a fly began attacking me, whispering things into my ears…

"It's all your fault. Waste of skin. Worthless life. Sacrifice it. Cut your wrists. This is what you must do. She's fucking him right now. Sucking him off. Look at yourself… Do it. Kill yourself."

I swung my fists at the fly but never made contact. It retaliated with fists of its own, striking me in the face, knocking me back onto the couch, laughing at my weakness and rubbing its tiny fly hands together in victory… It's buzzing filled my ears as I heard nothing else. I ran to the guest bedroom, grabbed my stash and pipe and escaped to the outside.

I walked back to my house… or better put, Stormy's house. It did not feel like my home. I had given Stormy my monthly rent, $1000, and had spent the rest on dope. Nothing else was required. My room was still in shambles—even worse than before—and I felt a stranger to Stormy.

I said hello to Dusty the cockatoo… Animals never pass judgment onto me, no matter how low my life has become. I knew I needed to stop… But I was incapable. How could I cope with the nature of this world without a source to keep me sane? And with that thought, I patted my pocket, making sure my pipe was safe… Another hit was in order.

Bathrooms became my favorite hangout spot. I turned on the fan and ran the sink to muffle the noise. I lit a candle with a single lighter flick and set the candle on the counter next to my pipe. I took the pipe and hovered it above the candle flame, basking in the rush flooding my soul.

The house was quiet and dark. Stormy must be at college. In the dark corners of every room I saw… little arms and hands, not fully developed with five fingers, reaching out toward me. They dispersed after reaching a few feet forward. Paranoia ran rampant in my mind. I kept hearing scuffling outside my bedroom window. I walked rounds around the house but did not see anyone. I heard footsteps around the corner, so I would ball my fists and peek my head around to find nothing.

Footsteps on the roof. I ran outside to catch the perpetrator. Birds. Were these creatures following me? I wanted them gone. I threw some rocks nearby, not trying to hit them, just scare them off. I blinked and they were gone.

I ignored the shadows in the windows, the footsteps, the rattling door knobs, the creaking doors… I shut my bedroom and kept the lights off. I was on my hands and knees, trying to kill the bugs that kept crawling underneath my door frame, but every time I crushed them and checked for a corpse…

I heard the front door unlock. I pressed my ear to the wall, listening… Footsteps. Stormy's door opened and shut. She's on the phone. Surely I cannot be hallucinating her voice.

I knocked on Stormy's door. She familiarly cracked the door open, peeking just her eyes through the slit. I felt relieved to see that she was indeed real. Her eyes expressed horror at my skeletal frame, the sunken-in eyes and cheekbones, the black holes… Even more so when she saw my blood-stained hands.

"Kashi… What happened to you?"

"Car accident." Dope had helped me become a professional liar.

She was worried, puzzled… "You look… Really bad…"

"No, no, this is nothing, I'm okay, promise. Well, Jocelyn did just break up with me…"

Stormy opened the door and wrapped her arms around herself, looking up and down my body with concern. "I'm sorry," she said. She squinted her nose, like she caught a whiff of something nasty. She walked past me and froze at the open bathroom door.

"Kashi… Get out!"

"Huh? Why? What happened?" I walked toward her and she ran out of the hallway into the center of the living room. I saw what she did. I had left my crack pipe on the bathroom counter, along with my baggie of dope. Fuck.

"I can explain… It's just weed!"

"Get out!" Stormy shouted, her voice cracking as tears streamed out her eyes. "Please! Just go!"

I looked at her weeping face for any signs of mercy… I really fucked up this time.

I grabbed my stuff and put it in my pocket and left without saying a word. This will all blow over soon, I thought to myself as I heard the door lock behind me.