Title music

Voting results

A: Hello and welcome to ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die’, the talk show for dead people, by dead people! I’m your host Alexa Despacito, and no, I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day. Here with me tonight is Greer Phillips! How are you feeling, Greer?

G: It’s so dark! Why can’t I feel my body? What’s going on?

A: Well Greer, I’m afraid you’re dead.

G: Oh balderdash and biscuit crumbs! Really?

A: Yes. It’s not all that bad. But if you like breathing, eating, or sex, well, you’re going to have to get used to fantasising.

G: Are you propositioning me, lass?

A: No, I’m interviewing you. On with the questions! How do you feel about being the first to die?

G: A bit put out, if I’m being totally honest with you, Alexa Despacito. Is that really your name, lass? I mean, if it’s a stage name then I question your taste, but otherwise your mum must have been really prophetic!

A: Well, simply put, I’m a recent stillborn. When I caught wind of what my mother was going to call me, I put the brakes on it. But this isn’t about me. Why do you feel put out?

G: Wow, you’re a really clever foetus! Anyway, I did some really badass things while I had the number, like slit the throat of a gigantesque raven, saving my and Saheel’s life. It was the climax of the arc! I found the power within me and went Super Saiyan! Are you telling me people weren’t choking on their popcorn reading that?

A: Funnily enough, we had some reader mail about that. Would you like to hear it?

G: Oh, I don’t know. Do they say a lot of mean things?

A: Your call, Greer. Either you hear it now or spend a silent eternity wondering what it could have been.

G: An eternity, eeeeeeeh? And you said there wouldn’t be any pastry?

A: I’m afraid pastry is a privilege reserved for those still breathing. One of my personal regrets is never having eaten a sausage roll.

G: You’ve never eaten a sausage roll? Lass, you’ve never lived! Wait… you’ve never lived.

A: I’d appreciate it if you didn’t rub it in. Would you like me to read the mail?

G: Oh, go on then. I’ve got bucketloads of self-esteem!

A: We’ll see about that. The first letter is short, and it reads: Should have been more interesting.

G: Excuse me?

A: That’s all they wrote. What do you make of that?

G: I suppose I don’t have any braincells left, seeing as I don’t have a body, but even then I have enough intelligence to work out that I died because people didn’t find me interesting. So for someone to just write, ‘should have been more interesting’, frankly, makes them seem like a big dumb dumb.

A: What’s a big dumb dumb?

G: Someone who’s stupid enough to think that everyone else is as stupid as them. ‘Should have been more interesting’ – that’s a big dumb dumb, alright!

A: Your self-esteem remains intact, then?

G: I don’t cry because of stupid babies. Uh, no offense to you, of course.

A: We’ve established that I’m a smart baby, so I’m not sure what offense I could take from that. Okay, here’s the second piece of mail, and boy, it’s a long one: “It's like everyone else has some sort of mystery, some backstory that might be lost through their premature death. You, Greer, may have had an interesting start, but it doesn't seem like you have much more to show than your strength and your boots - which you already threw away! You're literally a waste of perfectly good words. Literally. *chuckle* (Maybe we can get a spin-off story of what happened to the poor boots you sacrificed on a whim, though?)”

G: Wow, uh… what a stupid dumb dumb! They were Eirlys’ boots!

A: Is that different from a big dumb dumb? Can you really refute this person’s opinion?

G: Yeah, because they’re dumb, and they don’t think before they write, and they should do something like work for charity instead of spending their time hating on someone who was forced to fight a gigantic bird at the exact moment the audience was watching! I’m sorry I couldn’t mope about my room like all the others, but I was too busy focusing on not dying!

A: Would you say that focus worked out in your favour?

G: No!

A: Okay, we’re running out of time here, so before we go, I’d like to ask you a couple of questions. Who do you want to see die next?

G: Beck! What an absolute meanie – it’s like he killed me himself! I hope the others take him down! Painting yourself as the antagonist is a risky move that we already decided against in, you know, the Team Fear strategy meeting the AUDIENCE WASN’T WATCHING, because if you make the audience angry enough, they’ll just kill you outright!

A: Good reasoning. You have to admit though, it seems to be working in his favour so far. And who would you like to see ultimately win the challenge?

G: Saheel! Not only is he a dreamboat and a man with the patience of a saint, he always makes the right choice in dangerous situations! It’s going to be difficult for the others to take him off guard, that’s for sure!

A: I can reveal that Saheel had 11% of the vote share to your 28%, so he’s not in immediate trouble. However, the character the audience currently finds the most interesting is… Kari, with a 0% vote share.

G: The grotty young’un? They didn’t DO anything! Oh, the injustice! Why wouldn’t they pick them, of all people?

A: What do I know? I’m just a foetus. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. I’ve been Alexa Despacito, this was my guest Greer Phillips, and this has been ‘Everybody’s Gonna Die’! See you in a week!