CHAPTER 17: I’m Sorry
I cook white rice and drink Mad Bulls in my pod. It’s 6pm. I’ve been playing Digital Sin Online since I got home, hopping from world to world in a fog of indecision. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I kill shadows and stack gold. I feel nothing. I kill players in Darling 002 with detached efficiency. I made 1,000,000 gold. I feel nothing. I go to my virtual home on Luna Base, staring down at the Earth from above. I wander the town and find the spot where Maya and I first met. Mitsuko pops into my head and I feel like my heart has been squeezed by her blue-tipped fingers.

I replay the afternoon at school. How Mitsuko didn’t defend me, how she acted like I was a stranger, how she let her friends bully me. It was different when Mitsuko was mean to me, it almost felt… exclusive? She didn’t talk much to anyone else. Even around her popular friends, she seemed to listen more than anything. No one ever knew what was going on in her head.

But when it was just me and her, I saw that veiled energy surge from within her and she became… so beautiful, a one of a kind soul. Even with those wicked eyes, the twisted smirk, the cruel taunts… I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m in love with my bully who doesn’t give a single shit about me.

Blue text appears in the chat. “hey xD”

I don’t need to look at the name or turn around to know its Maya, Mitsuko’s character. She’s wearing a red dress and barefoot with painted red toes. It’s a striking contrast to her flaming blue hair. In her hand is the Yandere Dragoness’ Longbow. I avert my gaze…

“sooo wot happened to u at school? :/”

I turn around, facing toward the dummy range of people made of straw. An asteroid flies by in the distance, along with the ships that I have grown so accustomed to that I automatically tune them out. “What do you mean?”

“u didnt show up after lunch T_T”

Her little emoticon characters push the wounds in my heart even deeper. Why is she acting like this? Why is she toying with me so brutally? She’s found the one place where I can escape reality. Any other day I’d be happy to see her, but now… I feel like she is a poison that I need to detox from. I don’t think I can ever recover. What is the cure for heartbreak?

She shoots some arrows into the practice dummy. She pouts her lips, her eyes low to the blue moon grass. “r u mad at me? =(“

I type “no” and send it. I type a follow up to explain how I feel, but she replies first.

“good! ^_^ i was worried. ur face tho! it was priceless! i thought you were gonna cry xD”

I delete what I was going to say. My teeth clench as I shut my eyes in sorrow.

“anyway that was real dumb what u did >=(“

Dumb? Dumb?! I had never gotten a gift for a girl ever in my life. I’d never even been with a girl before. I may still be a virgin, but those experiences with Mitsuko… It was my first time. I’ve never felt so betrayed. I begin weeping. I forget that my character mimics my real life actions.

“hey r u ok?”

I throw off my headset and turn off the Zenith. I’m consumed in the darkness of the pod, a reflection of how I feel internally. I grab my hair, squeezing my skull, burying my face into my knees. Why does my heart feel so bad?

. . .

I wake up to a banging on my door. I’m curled up into a ball. Somehow I ended up sideways in my 50 square foot pod. My personal prison cell. I rub the sleep from my eyes and hear another three booms. It’s midnight and the whole complex is likely awake now. I look through the peephole. It’s being covered by a hand.

I feel a bit of terror, but a part of me wishes…

I open the door. Mitsuko forces her way inside. Her chest pushes me back. She slams the door. Her face full of murderous intent, a fury I’d never seen before. She seems out of breath. “What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?!”

I put my palms up, hoping to calm her down. “W-what d-do you mean?”

She steps to me, her forehead bumping mine. “You fucking know what I mean! You!...AH!” Mitsuko pushes me against the wall. I’m staggered by her strength. The pod shakes along with my bones. Something falls. She closes the distance, not even an inch of space between us.

“You ditch school without saying a word! Then I find you playing your stupid nerd game, and you ditch me again?! Who the fuck do you think you are? I saw you crying, idiot! Oh, poor Jin, wah wah wah. Shut the fuck up!” Mitsuko points her finger in my face. I flinch, expecting her to strike me.

She retracts her hand, seeming disturbed by my reaction. Her chest is rising and falling rapidly. She takes a deep breath and speaks quietly, her voice shaking. “I was worried about you, idiot…”

My face turns red. “You were?”

“You were?! God, you’re so FUCKING stupid. I ran all the way over here, so duh!”

Mitsuko’s face twists and turns, searching for what to say, what to do… “Are you gonna say anything?! Or just stand there like an idiot?!” Mitsuko yells, her voice rising with each word. “Let’s start with this: why did you leave school earlier?”

“I was feeling sick…”

“Bullshit! Don’t lie to my face! I… I can’t fucking do this. You make me sick. Just a stupid puppy who doesn’t know his place. Worthless. I hate you. I fucking hate you!” Mitsuko yells, but her voice leaks a hidden emotion.

I timidly reach out to touch her arm, to console her. She swings, almost striking my face. “Don’t you dare try to touch me! Didn’t you just hear what I said? I fucking hate you.”

I look to the floor and shut my eyes, hoping to stave off the tears.

“What? You gonna cry again? Such a baby. Such a fucking…” Mitsuko pauses. I feel like I’m being smothered into the abyss. After a long moment I find the strength to peek one eye open. Mitsuko’s eyes twitch unpredictably. Her lips tremble. Her walls drop as she forcefully pulls me into a tight embrace. I tremble in her arms, my confusion being basked in her warmth and the softness of her chest.

“I’m sorry,” Mitsuko whispers peacefully, her voice still raw from shouting. Her breathing quivers as she drops the angry facade. “I mean it. Forgive me… What happened at school, I was going to apologize about that in the game, but you left without giving me a chance! You’re so stupid… Why did you do that?”

Mitsuko releases me from the hug. “I was upset,” I admit as she familiarly wipes my tears away with her fingertips, even as her eyes glitter with emotion.

“Why? Because of what I did?” she replies.

I find myself unable to reply. I look away toward the wall. I gasp as I feel her hand cupping my chin, gently coaxing my eyes to hers. “Speak,” she whispers with care. I follow her pink lips… “Tell me everything.”

“I know we don’t have a thing together. Still, it just… hurts… to know you are ashamed of me. Of whatever this is…”

Mitsuko thoughtfully nods her head. “You know I have to keep up appearances. You’re you, and I’m me. You understand, right? I mean, we’re not even friends…”

Another visceral attack on my scarred heart. “We’re not?”

Mitsuko removes her hand from my chin. She silently looks into herself.

“I don’t know what we are. But what I do know…”

The silence is killing me. “What is it?” I ask desperately.

She glances back at me, and I see that sadistic aura. Her eyes pulsate with possessive energy, her lips curling like a cat…