Last month, the Japanese government magically solved the problem of their aging population.

Prime Minister Shinzo Abe shed tears of joy, as he announced it to the Diet. No longer would they have to beg broke, isolated millennials to have kids that they couldn't afford. No longer would they have to close down schools and playgrounds. Instead, they could just use real magic to-

But let me back up a bit.

---

Some guy on the Internet discovered it a couple of years ago. As it turns out, if you know someone really well and pick out just the right song for them, it'll turn them into whatever they feel most strongly about in the song.

He discovered this by accidentally TGing his friend into a Japanese idol singer. Complete with fluency in the language, a naturally outgoing personality, and a scout from an actual idol band just happening to stumble across her.

He was the next one to get idol'd, at a concert that his friend put on. By the end of that year, AKB48 had an entire section made up of TGed foreigners, who couldn't remember their native languages but looked really cute in schoolgirl outfits.

Of course, they couldn't keep it a secret forever. Nor were they the only ones to discover it. But they were the first ones to do it on purpose. And now they're the poster girls for the government of Japan's new immigration program.

How it works is simple. Anyone who wants to can move there and obtain citizenship. You just have to marry or have a child with a citizen ... oh yeah, and you have to turn into an ethnically Japanese girl first.

Just, like, not necessarily an idol singer.

You can figure out on your own what the Internet's reaction was. Especially the part of it that already fetishized Japanese girls. It didn't help that half the new anime that aired that season were themed around TSF, which is Japanese for TG. "Meet Moriko-chan and her friends, as they discover what it's like to live in a country with four seasons!" That kind of thing.

The thing is, whatever your feelings about Japanese girls or how they're portrayed in Western and Japanese media, it worked. It worked so well, this year's Otafest needed a smaller hotel!

It worked so well, in fact, that my girlfriend left me and moved to Japan.

---

You might be wondering, why would a girl jump at the chance to become a girl? Especially when she was ethnically Japanese to begin with.

Well ... you might not have met my girlfriend. And if you had, you might not have realized that she was transgender.

You know all the body image issues women have, when they see nothing but skinny and sexy girls on TV? For a lot of trans women, you can multiply that by a thousand. Because they can take hormones and stuff to give them softer and smoother features (plus boobs), but their bodies have already been irreversibly transformed by puberty. They'll always have stuff like broader shoulders and Adam's apples, as well as the challenge of forcing their voice box to sound feminine.

I kept telling Tara that she was beautiful, that I loved her, and that I loved having her inside of me. But like, to her she was always some kind of excuse for a girl, a science experiment I'd "settled" for. And it didn't help that when they weren't squeeing over Astolfo, half the internet said basically that.

So that's part of the reason my adorable, sexy girlfriend hated herself. But on top of that, she had some ... let's call them cultural dysphoria issues.

You see, some Japanese-Canadian immigrants preserve the culture for their kids; sending them to J-School, speaking the language at home, taking them back to Japan on vacation and things. Tara's parents did, well, the opposite of that, and she doesn't like it.

They're actually nisei, or second-generation Japanese immigrants. They came here from the States, to get away from their families in California. Which, from what I've heard about their families I can't really blame them, but like, they went all the way. They gave her an English name, took her to white Christian church, and basically ignored her when she talked about being bullied. First for being Asian and having a girl's name (Tara) for a last name, and next for being gay in high school, which is ironic because it turns out she's straight.

She's just, you know, not a guy.

Anyway, by the time she was an adult Japanese stuff had become cool. The kids who'd pulled their eyelids back at her were now collecting katanas and moe waifu figurines, which I guess is some kind of improvement? It just made her feel really left out, because she didn't get into anime and stuff until like a couple of years ago either.

Now all she can think about is how this is something that should have belonged to her, that should have been part of her upbringing, but was not. Along with Girls' Day, and Tanabata, and kimonos, and mochi, and and and ... just this long list of stuff that she feels she missed out on, in years she can never get back.

I did my best to help. I started learning Japanese myself, in order to help her practice. But like, the one time we went to our school's conversation club together, everyone there assumed she was fluent, and people tried to practice N1-level Japanese with her. She felt humiliated, and never went back.

All of which is to say that the day Abe held that one press conference is the day she stopped talking. To me, or to anyone else. She just kind of went numb, and spent the day rocking back and forth in her chair and hugging her plushie. I had to make dinner for her and feed her by hand, which normally I love doing but that evening was really tense.

She couldn't go to classes the next day, and messaged me while I was in a lecture.

(11:53:27) NekoTara: Hey ...
(11:54:19) OceanGem: Hey.
(11:54:32) OceanGem: How are you feeling?

I doodled a bit with my tablet pen, to pretend I was taking notes.

(11:56:11) NekoTara: You saw it ... right?
(11:56:55) OceanGem: I am literally sitting through a lecture about it right now.
(11:57:32) OceanGem: This isn't even Japanese or Women's Studies, this is Computer Science.

At least, the sign on the door said so.

(11:58:07) NekoTara: I'm sorry ...
(11:59:22) OceanGem: Sorry for what?
(11:59:45) NekoTara: I'm just so sorry

An hour later, her parents messaged me to say they were picking her up. That night, she forwarded me her ticket confirmation email: One-way to New Chitose Airport, in Hokkaido.

I got up early the next morning, and raced to the airport to see her off. The whole time, she couldn't stop crying and hugging me. She was sorry for everything; for being illiterate (in Japanese), for being tall and fat (by Japanese anime standards), and for not being the perfect Japanese girlfriend she said I deserved.

I didn't know what to say. I'd known she was struggling with this stuff, but I hadn't realized how bad it was.

I asked her to wait for a few days and think about it. She shook her head; in the time since she'd put in her application, the waiting lists had filled up. If she backed out now, she couldn't try again until next year.

She wasn't sure that she'd still be alive by next year.

In the end, I told her I loved her and wanted her to be happy ... even if she no longer lived on the same continent, and no longer spoke the same language. She said she loved me too, and would miss me, and was sorry ...

... and as she waved goodbye for the twentieth time, from far past the departure gate, my vision blurred with tears.

I put in my own application on the bus ride back to campus. I simply couldn't do otherwise.

---

Somehow I got through my classes that day. It wasn't that I was tired; more like, I was too wired to focus on anything. I kept playing with my tablet's pen in class, clicking the buttons compulsively. And doodling stuff that my therapist would probably say meant that I needed help.

It didn't feel like my girlfriend had left me, and was going to change into a different person. It felt more like this was inevitable, like a natural disaster had struck and it was out of both of our hands. And I mean, it was better than her straight-up dying, right? Even if she ended up with someone else.

Even if she ended up as someone else.

I still remembered when Tara came out as transgender. For her, it wasn't just finding out that she'd been a girl all along ... it was knowing that not being a girl physically, and not being seen as a girl by the people around her, was part of the reason she was suicidally depressed. That she had to change into a girl, or die trying.

I don't think either of us had expected her transition to magically solve all her problems. Especially when they ran so much deeper than that.

But what if this did? I asked myself, all throughout class. What if literal magic could make her into someone who loved, or at least liked herself?

I told myself that there had to be a catch. I mean, they were literally manufacturing moe waifus to have sex with. This was the meme about how Shinzo Abe Wants You To Have Babies writ large. How could anyone not be cynical about what was basically human trafficking? Especially when they already had a ton of non-Japanese immigrants there, and just acted like they didn't count.

As soon as classes let out I went back to what used to be our apartment, heated up some ramen with vegetables, and spent the rest of the evening looking up stuff about this online while my noodles got cold. Because if there was a catch, Tara was going to get hit by it as soon as her plane landed, and I didn't want that.

Was it going to affect me too? Probably not. I mean, I was going to be on the waiting list until February, and the only reason I'd signed up in the first place was to be with Tara. This was just insurance, to make sure that no matter how badly I did in my Japanese studies between now and then, I'd still have a way to communicate with her and be with her.

That was all it was for me, right?

Where was I? Oh yeah, research. As it turned out, details were sparse online. CBC News had some stuff on their website about a couple in Red Deer that got turned into furries or something, by filk, but not a whole lot about the Japanese government's program.

Why wasn't everyone talking about this? I asked myself. Who cared about all these random and scattered events? Just because this one happened in Canada didn't make it more noteworthy. Besides, they weren't getting TGed into Japanese girls.

Anime news websites were even less helpful, if you can believe it. Crunchyroll had teaser trailers up for Let's Go! Nippon! Moriko and Friends, while ANN had an interview with the creator, where he tried to reassure Western audiences that they can enjoy it without getting TGed.

(But what if they wanted to get TGed, I wondered?)

The program's official website was pretty sparse, besides the application form. "Details coming soon!" it read in English. "Please enter your email to confirm your interest!"

My timeline on Twitter was flooded, because the Japanese TSF authors I follow were having huge back-and-forths about fantasies, ethics, and wishing they were allowed to use the program themselves. One person claimed to be able to TS anyone without even meeting them, and got super-popular for awhile until somebody proved they were fake. And since the built-in translator and I both suck at reading Japanese, I wasted roughly an hour figuring out what that thread was about.

... n-not that I wanted it to happen to me, or anything!

Anyway, I'd spent all evening online and learned nothing useful from it. That meant I was down to my last resort: YouTube.

There, for once, the top recommended video was actually helpful! It turned out this immigration program had an official channel. There was only one video so far, but it featured the TGed idol group, giving a tour of the Tokyo hotel where the main group of candidates would be staying.

I wasn't super into idols or anything, so I didn't know much about them? But for some reason, I had so much trouble watching them. Their English was really bad, but they looked and acted very ... um ... authentic. I could barely glance at them for a second without realizing what those smiling faces and kind words were inviting their viewers to do ... what they had, that they wanted to share.

I couldn't make eye contact with them. I ended up scrolling partway down the page, so I could listen to what they were saying without having the weird feelings that came from watching them. This, of course, was a mistake, because of YouTube comments.

One comment near the top had two hundred upvotes, for asking "if 'she' is really a 'girl'." Others said things like "does liking her make me gay?" Stuff like this really got to me, ever since I'd started dating Tara, and I reported a half-dozen comments before remembering that Google just didn't care.

The one comment that really stuck with me, though, said something like "why do I want this so bad? is it japanes mind control rays???"

It stuck with me because of a response: "I'm pretty sure that if you want to do this, it says more about you than it does about Japan."

N-not that it stuck with me for any particular reason. Thank goodness I wasn't one of the people who actually wanted to do this, or anything! It was a purely pragmatic decision on my part, one that I wasn't even sure I would follow up on. I'd just wanted to keep the option available, by getting in on their waiting list.

I knew what it said about Tara, though, and why she didn't just want but needed this. I just really hoped it'd be everything those idols made it out to be.

She deserved it.

---

Before I went to sleep, I did my best to imitate Tara's prayers to the Inari ofuda above what used to be our bed, with the clapping and stepping and bowing. I didn't know how to change the offerings like she did, or where she kept the sake and salt. But I asked the goddess of foxes and rice to please look after my girlfriend ... whether she was my girlfriend or not, anymore.

Somebody had to, now that I couldn't.

Or could I? Because my phone woke me up just a few hours later.

(04:23:25) NekoTara: Gosh, this is it ...
(04:23:41) NekoTara: I'm so nervous about being here.

I squinted down at my phone's screen, then fumbled around for my glasses on the nightstand, before putting them on and hastily typing out a reply.

(04:24:58) OceanGem: Are they TSing you already?

She didn't reply for a few minutes. I stared up at the ceiling in the dark, and said a few more silent prayers to Inari-sama, imagining what Tara must be going through ri-

(04:28:01) NekoTara: I made it through customs ...

I let out my breath, and wiped the sweat off of my forehead. Goddess, she'd gotten me all scared for nothing.

(04:28:35) NekoTara: I had to go through in guy mode :c
(04:28:57) NekoTara: Wore some old clothes from my parents' house
(04:29:33) OceanGem: Couldn't they tell you had boobs?
(04:30:29) NekoTara: Not as well when I'm wearing a loose flannel shirt >//> plus I've got stubble after that flight ...
(04:31:00) OceanGem hugs you tight.

Tara hated having to present as a guy. Now that she knew what being seen as a girl was like, it made her physically ill to go back.

(04:31:14) NekoTara: They talked to me in Japanese when I got here ... I think they said welcome home? Or welcome back
(04:31:43) NekoTara: It took me three tries to explain that I was a gaijin, even though I was speaking in English and they were holding my Canadian passport >//>
(04:32:03) OceanGem: Do you mean while they were checking it, or ... ?

If someone holds onto your passport "for safekeeping," that's a sign that human trafficking is going on. I wanted to make sure that's not what was happening.

(04:34:01) NekoTara: Oh yeah
(04:34:22) NekoTara: They gave it back >_>b

I breathed a sigh of relief.

(04:34:48) NekoTara: They gave me weird looks, though ...
(04:35:27) NekoTara: I think they feel like TGing me would defeat the purpose.
(04:46:35) OceanGem: The purpose is to make babies though, right? How do you feel about that?

We'd literally never discussed children when talking about our future ... one that apparently wasn't going to happen, now.

(04:47:22) NekoTara: Honestly it sounds like fun >/////> but you already know I'm a pervert.

I had to blink through the tears to see her reply, then giggled. She really was.

(04:47:50) OceanGem: You'll make a great mom. I know it. <3
(04:48:15) NekoTara: I guess we'll find out ^^;
(04:48:34) NekoTara: I'm just so sorry ; ;

My whole field of vision blurred, as I touch-typed a response.

(04:49:17) OceanGem: I know ...
(04:49:21) OceanGem: I know.

Her next response started while I was typing that.

(04:49:43) NekoTara: I've got to go now ... I don't know what's going to happen. I'll talk to you when I can, okay? I love you ...
NekoTara has gone offline.
(04:50:03) OceanGem: I love you t-

I stopped typing, took off my glasses, and just hugged the pillow and cried into it.

Magic sucked.

Everything sucked.

---

From: nekotara@*****.com
To: oceangem@*****.com
Subject: Meet my new roommate!

I don't know if you want to hear about this right now, sorry ^^; But I'm actually feeling pretty excited right now, and I wanted to tell you what's going on ...

See, they checked us into a hotel that they rented like two stories of for this program, here in Sapporo. Each room has two beds, so we all have to share with somebody else. And when I arrived, someone was already there ... hunched over a laptop or something while sitting on the bed, facing away from the door. They had on a hoodie and sweatpants, and I couldn't see their face or anything.

"Um, hello?" I said, peeking into the room just a little.

They didn't reply, but just kept typing.

I gulped. "A-ano, konn-"

"I am sorry for the delay." This person set their laptop aside and got up, bowing to me and speaking English in a feminine voice. "Welcome to our room, mister ... ?"

I coughed and did my best to sound femme. "Miss Tara," I squeaked.

"Understood. Welcome, Miss Tara." Somehow they stood up from the bow and then went back to sitting on the bed with their laptop, without letting me see even a hint of their face.

I crept into the room, rolling my luggage behind me as quietly as possible, afraid of disturbing this person. "Um ... can I ask for your name? A-and pronouns?"

"Female pronouns are fine," she said, in a near-monotone. She didn't tell me her name.

"W-what should I call you?" I asked, shutting the door behind me and locking it.

The other person took a deep breath, as though she'd been dreading this. Finally, she unhooded herself and turned around on the bed to face me.

We met each other's gaze for a few seconds. I blinked. "Um, that doesn't answer my-"

She smiled faintly. "You don't know, then."

"Um, no?"

"I am okay with this. Call me whatever you like." She sounded pleased! At least, I thought she did. Her voice was still pretty close to a monotone.

"Y-you're not going to murder me in my sleep, are you?" I asked, while lifting my suitcase up to my bed.

"No," she told me. "But I am going to transform you."

Apparently she's going to meet with everyone on this floor individually, get to know them a little better, and then pick out a song for them. She's done this before, in secret, but this is the first time she's had to do it for so many people before!

"Are you nervous?" I asked her.

"Yes," she said. "But not about that. I'm simply concerned that my appearance will distract people from our purpose here. This is why I conceal myself."

"Ah, um ... why would your appearance be distracting?" She had some unusual features, but I didn't think it was them she was worried about.

She lowered her head a bit, and closed her eyes. "Let me show you."

After an introduction like that, I thought she was going to sprout tails and devour my liver or something ^^; but instead she just looked up a Wikipedia page, and showed it to me.

"Ohhh. I'm sorry, I never watched any 90's anime ... or paid attention to mecha anime in general." I winced.

"There is a more recent film adaptation. It does not matter, though."

Apparently she'd already been TSed herself! Into a really famous anime character, or someone who was a dead ringer for one anyway. How long ago, I wasn't sure.

"Please keep in mind," she said, "that I am not a doll. I am neither a poseable figurine, nor an actress. I am a licensed specialist, and I am here to help you." It sounded like she had practiced this line a million times.

"Also," she went on, "I am very sorry for my poor English."

I blinked. "You're not a native speaker?"

"I may have been." She went back to typing on her laptop. "At one point."

That's all she told me about her past.

What she really wanted to talk about, it seemed, was me. She said the transformation's success rate went up logarithmically the more that she knew about the subject. But she didn't like, pry, or anything ... she just encouraged me to ramble.

So I did. About everything, from my childhood in Kelowna to my transition in Calgary. I told her a lot about our relationship, too ... how much you mean to me, how you supported me when I came out, and how much it hurt to leave you behind.

"How does he feel about polyamory?" she asked.

"Ah, I hadn't considered it ... "

"Just a thought." She nodded. "You said he was studying Japanese anyway."

"I d-didn't think most Japanese people were into it ... "

"I am."

W-was she hitting on me? I honestly can't tell. I'm letting you know what she said, though!

"Also, you are not required to marry someone," she went on. "Giving birth to a child will suffice. You must stay in the country to raise them, though, for at least three years. During that time you will be considered a permanent resident, not a citizen."

Something else to think about, I guess?

"But what if I get a career here?" I asked. "As an idol singer, or ... " I was drawing a blank.

"I do not think that will be an issue. As a general rule, idol singers do not get married or have children. If you go through with this, you will be required to do one or the other."

"I see ... "

"You may still be surprised at the transformation, though. It may awaken desires you never knew that you had." She looked up from her laptop. "Tell me, Miss Tara. What do you want?"

"I ... excuse me?"

"It is a simple question."

It was, but it felt loaded with meaning. I had to think about it for a moment.

"I want to stop hurting ... "

She nodded.

"I want to feel good about myself, and help others feel good about themselves too."

"Like an idol singer?"

I winced. "I'm pretty sure their managers work them like dogs ... I don't want to be someone who sacrifices herself for others. I just want people to feel better for being around me, or getting to know me."

"What is stopping you from doing that already?"

"Dysphoria ... " I sighed. "Mental illness. Depression, anxiety, PTSD from being bullied ... "

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?"

I nodded.

She stared at me intensely for a moment. I shivered, and had to look away. But when she finally spoke up, it wasn't to chastise me. She said-

"You do not deserve that."

"I- bweh?" Was she not going to transform me?!

"You do not deserve to suffer like you have. You deserve to be happy, and loved, and to feel that you have a home and community."

"Um-"

"I will do my best to provide that for you. Because you deserve it. I know this." She started typing things on her laptop again, before opening a music player. "Tell me how you feel about this song."

"W-wait!" I held up my hands. "Are we doing this now?!"

"Ah, I am sorry for frightening you. This is simply to gauge your musical preferences, and to see what most moves you emotionally."

I managed to unfreeze and start breathing again. "Okay ... "

"I do not expect that it will transform you just yet. But I promise you that if it does, you will enjoy it." She looked straight at me again.

I looked away and hugged myself, and squeaked out some kind of response.

It was so nervewracking at first. ^^; I kept jolting on the inside whenever she played a new song, and thinking "oh my goddess it's starting!" It felt like when we watched that screamy man Let's Play the horror game with the animatronics. Because each song felt like a jumpscare at first, but after awhile they sort of blended together and became exciting, fun even!

I even managed to give her some amount of feedback in the process. ^^;

Jet lag was starting to catch up to me, though. She noticed how tired I was, and suggested we continue later. She even offered to go out of the room, and meet with someone else while I was napping.

It's just that now my naptime is half-over, because I've spent that time writing you. ^^;

Oh well. It was worth it.

I love you so much, and I'm so glad I can share this part of my life with you. >//> I really, desperately hope that I can keep sharing it after I ... after this happens.

*leaves all the hugs here for you*

-- Tara

PS My roommate did finally tell me her name. She even let me take a picture and share it with you! I'm so sorry for not recognizing her ... please don't make fun of me for it, or anything. ^^;

Attached: Rei.jpg

---

I blinked, at the file attachment, then blushed really hard. Because it was one thing to realize who Tara was talking about, and another thing to see my teenage anime crush as a real person. And this whole business about polyamory? What? I mean, I wasn't opposed to it, but she couldn't have meant us, right? Tara barely knew her, and I'd never even spoken with her! So she had to be speaking in hypotheticals, using herself as an example of someone who was okay with poly.

It was just really hard to get the thought of a three-way with Rei out of my head, okay?!

It especially didn't help that the next email I got, just an hour later, was from her.

---

From: reizero@*****.jp.co
To: oceangem@*****.com
Subject: Please forgive the intrusion

Hello,

I have been interviewing your romantic partner, Tara, in order to aid in the process of physically transforming her, as part of the government of Japan's expanded immigration program.

She speaks very highly of you. Of the support that you've given her both through her gender transition, and in her transitioning to a new life here.

She has given me permission to ask you for anything you would like to share about her, that you feel would help me understand her better and increase the odds of a successful change. She will be emailing you momentarily, to confirm that she's given me this permission.

I am very sorry to disturb you.

-- Rei Ayanami, Transformation Specialist (license #00)

---

Holy shit.

I had to tell myself over and over again that it wasn't really her, that she'd shown no sign of romantic interest in me, and that she wouldn't remember me from my self-insert fanfic where I ... um.

Plus, I technically still had a girlfriend? I mean, both she and Tara were saying that Tara was, right? I guessed some kind of poly was going to be in our future, if Tara was going to stay in the country and still date me, but we hadn't worked any of that out. So this was a matter of loyalty, here!

Just, holy shit.

Concentrate, I told myself! This was just someone who'd gotten turned into a look-alike by the Evangelion theme or something. Right? Either way, Tara needed my help right now, even if that meant overcoming my social anxiety to talk to my anime crush.

A quick check of my email inbox proved that yes, Tara had given permission to talk about personal stuff. Nothing was off-limits, she said.

So, where to begin?

---

From: oceangem@*****.com
To: reizero@*****.jp.co
Subject: Re: Please forgive the intrusion

Hey,

Tara speaks pretty highly of you too. I see she's your roommate, and that you've been helping her. I thank you for your commitment to her well-being and care.

In my experience, Tara is pretty good at talking about what she's gone through. Both at school and at church, and to a lesser extent at home. Sometimes she downplays it, though, and how much it's affected her.

Probably the most damaging thing about what she's been through is how much she internalized the feelings of worthlessness. First she hated herself for being Japanese-Canadian; now she hates herself for not being Japanese enough. First she hated herself for not being manly enough; now she hates herself for not being womanly enough.

It's not that she's fickle. It's that no matter what she does or how she changes -- and she's changed so much, and made so much progress, in just the time that I've known her -- she still deems herself inadequate. She's kind and forgiving towards others, but nothing she does is ever good enough for herself, and it's heartbreaking to watch.

I don't know if your transformation can help her feel less inadequate ... but if it can, then please do so.

-- Claire (OceanGem)

PS Evangelion must be very meaningful for you, if you TSed into a character from it. I liked it too!

---

I clicked "Send," then groaned and facepalmed. I just had to put that in there, didn't I?!

Five minutes later, I got a reply.

---

From: reizero@*****.jp.co
To: oceangem@*****.com
Subject: Re: Re: Please forgive the intrusion

Claire,

Thank you for your support of Tara. Please contact me if there is anything else you would like to share.

I do not like Evangelion. I do like that particular character, but it wasn't my choice to become her. I just am.

-- Rei Ayanami, Transformation Specialist (license #00)

---

Crap.

That was really what she'd say if she came into our world, wasn't it? What someone turned into the real Rei would say. Of course she didn't like the show, considering what had happened to her in it! She probably had nightmares of it.

My one chance to say something to her, to the real Rei, and I'd come across as an oblivious otaku.

Crap.

I flopped onto my bed, took off my glasses, and covered my face with my arm. At least I'd done it, right? I'd told her the most important thing I could think of, about Tara, that she wasn't likely to have told Rei on her own.

Now I just had to hope that she'd be okay. And that magic was real, or at least real for her.

---

The weekend went by, and then most of the rest of next week. I adjusted my sleep schedule to sync up with Tara's as much as I could with my class schedule, just in case she wanted to talk ... and she did. Like, a lot. We had some intense, emotional conversations during this time, which usually ended in tears since we didn't know if each would be our last.

"I'm a bad person for wanting this, right?" she'd ask me on video chat. "No, seriously, aren't I just terrible? I'm abandoning you and my parents, and it's so irresponsible of me, and I mean, that's not even something a Japanese person would do, right? Family obligations come first, right?"

I'd had so many conversations like this with Tara before. Arguing with her didn't work. You had to remind her of what was important, and how important she was. To you.

"Tara," I said, "you know that it can't be helped. If you had to fly to Japan for medical treatment, you'd do that, right? Even if the only way to pay it off was to stay there, at least for the next few years."

She swallowed and nodded, looking away.

"Even if you had a choice," I went on, "it's okay to want to hurt less. It's okay to want to be happy. I love you, and I want this for you too. Okay?"

She nodded again, still looking down at the floor, and covered her face as she started to cry.

I was out of time then, and had to make it to class. But I told her again that I loved her, and I'd see her soon.

I just had no idea what she'd look like when I saw her next.

---

I was in class, doodling Lapis Lazuli from Steven Universe in my tablet's notebook, when I got an incoming video call from Tara. It was accompanied by a Discord message in Japanese text, with a lot of exclamation points after it.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

I practically ran out of class to the nearest lobby, and propped up my tablet on its kickstand before taking the call.

I'll never forget what she looked like.

It wasn't like Tara had changed into a cisgender version of herself. It was like she'd been replaced with a different person, a giddy high school girl with brown hair and eyes, plus narrow shoulders and legs. She was jumping up and down in front of the camera and clapping her hands, while wearing a plain nightshirt that slid partway down on her shoulders.

「I did it!」 she said, in Japanese and with an extremely femme voice. 「I really did it!」 And then she went on for a good five seconds, and I could only pick out the occasional word. Like 「fun,」 「super,」 and 「thank you very much!」

「Umm,」 I said, and tried to make my brain form words. 「Um, YOU'RE realLY cute!」

I had never gotten the pitch accent down.

She giggled and blushed, and bowed and thanked me. Then Rei stepped into view of the camera, and I froze.

"Hello, Claire." She bowed slightly, her face expressionless. "Tara says that she has successfully transformed. She was depressive when the change happened, but now she feels light as a feather. The transformation itself was a lot of fun, and she's very excited about her new life. She is very thankful for your help."

"Ah, um," I coughed. 「No, no, it WAS all YOU!」 I said, looking at Tara.

Tara giggled again, and said something my brain couldn't process, because all I could think was how beautiful she and Rei were- I mean, how beautiful she was.

Also, you know, because I sucked at speaking Japanese.

---

Here's what I managed to piece together, after about an hour of talking with the two of them.

The evening before, Tara had actually watched somebody transform. It'd happened in some kind of common area, while someone was listening to music that she couldn't hear, on their phone. And without that musical context, without that hint of what this meant to them, it terrified her.

(Frankly, I think that just watching someone TS would be pretty scary and intense. Especially if that someone was you.)

Tara raced back to her room and slammed the door shut, before locking and leaning up against it, gasping for breath. Her skin prickled all over, from her scalp down to her toes. She couldn't tell if it was from being changed, and it scared her. Was TSing contagious? It felt like it was right there waiting for her, on the other side of the door.

She shivered and huddled in bed, and every time her skin crawled from nervousness it made her heart skip. Why was she so afraid of this? she wondered. Wasn't it necessary? Wasn't it fun and enjoyable?

What was wrong with her?

She started drafting an email to me, on her phone, but gave up as jet lag and exhaustion took her.

She woke up groggily a few hours later, still in the middle of the night, and took care of things in the bathroom before realizing Rei wasn't there. (She told me she'd slept on a couch outside.) Tara felt awful and lost her appetite, and just climbed back in bed where it was warm and soft and she could forget everything.

Except for the two new messages waiting for her, both from Rei.

One was an apology. She said she was deeply sorry for causing Tara distress, and would have warned her if she had known. She had picked out a song for this person, but they had chosen to listen out there when others were present. She said that this wasn't usually done, but that for Tara she would bring up this incident with the people in charge, and ask if they could make some kind of policy so that this wouldn't happen again.

The other had a file attachment, and when Tara saw that her heart raced.

"I have selected this song for you," it read. "I believe that if you listen to this, your life will feel more bearable. Please try it, and let me know what you think. I will be sure to knock before entering."

This was it, she thought, staring up at the ceiling. This was the song that was going to kill her.

Because that's what this was, wasn't it? How much did those idol singers really have in common, with the people that they used to be? Did they even have the same memories?

No matter what happened, she realized, she'd be different afterwards. Maybe completely different. And wasn't that what she wanted? Because she was worthless, she thought, wasn't she? She had always failed at everything, including just being a girl.

She deserved to just be erased, and overwritten with somebody different. And I ... her boyfriend, she thought, deserved that. Deserved to have someone better than her.

She lay back and put on her earbuds, hovering her thumb over the 'play' button. It had a terrible finality to it, like the time that she'd tried to overdose and then laid down and waited to die.

It was so peaceful, she thought, in the second before she pressed 'play.'

Then she jolted upright and clutched at her ears, because the volume was up way too loud.

QuelI -> {
   EXIV[zep] -> {tikz ethes & walm dia}
} -> ExeC -> {TzW};

The lyrics look like computer code when you write them out, because they literally are. But they were sung by a choir, somehow, and the way that Tara described it, it felt religious. Like they were summoning God ... or the goddess that Tara prayed to.

Apparently they mean something, in English and Japanese? The meaning isn't too far off, from what she assumed. But Tara felt in her heart, as she quickly turned down the volume, that it was a personal performance for her. That it wasn't just being sung for her, it was being sung to her.

Her heart pounded, as that first prayer finished and the beat picked up. It was exciting, overwhelming, and she tried to block out these new thoughts and replace them with feelings of worthlessness. But each new line interrupted her train of thought, the chants setting the beat.

QuelI -> EXiV [obe] -> ExeC -> {TzW};

QuelI -> EXiV [sep] -> ExeC -> {TzW};

They repeated over and over, shaking her to her core and numbing her into receptivity. She quickly sat up on her knees, clutching the phone to her lap, and shook. Feeling her skin crawl all over, as a female voice began singing in Japanese.

抗う者たち 我に遵奉し 御魂の声聴き 巌となれよ

Aragau monotachi ware ni junpoushi
Mitama no koe kiki iwao to nareyo

It sounded like (and literally was) an RPG battle theme, the singer beckoning people on to ... fight bravely? No, something more decisive than that. She was ending the conflict simply by singing. Her voice was commanding the enemy.

幾年月越え 石英の心 悪しき呻き声を 谷底へと沈めよ

Ikutoshitsuki koe sekiei no kokoro
Ashiki umekigoe wo tanizoko eto shizumeyo

But who was the enemy? Tara thought, as her knees threatened to give way from shaking. And why did she like this music, and this singer's voice, so much?

愛しき地への思い 安息の時を いつの日か叶え給え 花咲く光を

Itoshiki chi e no omoi ansoku no toki wo
Itsu no hi ka kanaetamae hanasaku hikari wo

Another chant by the programming chorus, and Tara's fears and doubts seemed so far away now, as if they couldn't exist in the same universe as this song. She couldn't make herself think about anything else. Even the thought of laying down to die just a second ago felt so slippery, like she could feel it there on the edge of her consciousness but couldn't hold on to it.

Tara was aware of what was happening to her, and maybe she could have put the earbuds down and stopped listening. Or could she? Some things, once begun, had to be seen through to the end. And once she felt the physical changes start, felt her bones shake and flesh quiver, she knew this was one of them.

燃え上がれ 熱き願いよ 凍てつく荒野 駆け抜けろ 手綱を握り締め

Moeagare atsuki negai yo
Itetsuku kouya kakenukero taduna wo nigirishime

It didn't feel like shrinking. She wasn't being compacted. It was more like she was being set free, of the excess mass of her body. One moment her legs and thighs were big enough to support her, the next they suddenly gave way, and she fell forward onto her face. Kicking her new, skinnier legs in the air, smooth and hairless and bare, as she tried to regain her balance.

She pushed herself up on her arms, but her biceps were the next to go. It happened so suddenly that she fell forward again, the side of her face smushed into the beddings. And as she tried to pick herself up again she moved her arms in front of her face, and watched her hands smooth out and narrow and become delicate.

呪われし闇を掻き消し 突き進め 塵旋風よ 天へと巻き上げろ

Norowareshi yami wo kakekeshi tsukisusume
Jinsenpuu yo ten eto makiagero

Tara took deep breaths, her chest pushed into the bed, as it felt like the song itself was massaging her body all over. Head to toes, arms and legs and her core. It was like not just her tension but her flesh itself was melting away, evaporating with her sweat. Which, she was sweating all over. It felt like her body was exerting itself to do this.

The chanting started again as her lungs contracted and forced the air out of them. Her ribs squeezed her tight, and everything in her rearranged itself slightly. She managed to push herself up on her hands and knees at last, and looked down the collar of her now very loose nightshirt, and saw her belly recede until it was flat.

She didn't feel like she was "becoming more beautiful," though. No matter what anyone said, she felt like the change wasn't about being attractive for guys? It felt like she was becoming unspoiled. All the weight that she'd gained due to stress had just disappeared, and her skin tickled as even her age spots vanished before her eyes.

She looked and felt so lean, so lightweight, as she shrugged her narrower shoulders and the nightshirt still tried to fall off. Wait, was she really that narrow? She got back on her knees and felt at herself under her shirt, just in time for her tiny chest to puff out a bit in her hands. It was as though the wrong kind of puberty had never ... had never ...

蠢く暗黒 灰燼に帰せよ 神の御旗の元 その身を統べる

Ugomeku ankoku kaijin ni kiseyo
Kami no mihata no moto sono mi wo suberu

Tara gasped, as her balls pulled back into herself. Then she squirmed, clutching her sides, as her crotch shifted and rearranged all around. Unlike most girls', her introduction to her new womb wasn't painful; it was tickly and made her giggle a lot, squeezing and squirming until her panties became all wet. It was like her first sexual awakening, but done right. And she flopped backwards onto the bed and arched her back to enjoy it, rubbing and squishing her hand all over herself.

Her body had never really belonged to her before, had it? It belonged to its viewers, to her parents, even to her church, but it'd always felt hostile to her.

Not anymore. She felt like the song was commanding those doubts and bad memories to just flee her, and letting her take control of herself. Wait, wasn't that literally what it was saying ... ?

胸に埋もれし 鉄の心 跪き 平伏せ 統馭するは我なり

Mune ni uzumoreshi kurogane no kokoro
Hizamazuki hirefuse tougyosuru wa ware nari

It was hard to understand the lyrics not because they were in a different language, but because they were poetic and had pauses in weird places. But here it sounded like she was commanding the lump in her heart, the sadness and despair that held her back, to kneel and prostrate itself before her.

Or was it a literal heart of iron, in whatever game? Tara didn't know. And she didn't care.

絡みつく因縁に 乱される想い 邪念の蔦を切り裂き 踏み出す力を

Karamitsuku innen ni midasareru omoi
Janen no tsuta wo kirisaki fumidasu chikara wo

She pushed herself back up off the bed, and pumped her wet hand in the air. 「That's right!」 she thought. 「Cut the distracting thoughts to pieces!」

Maybe she was becoming somebody else? But it didn't feel like that, to her. It just felt like she'd become so much lighter, inside and out. Like she'd gotten back those wasted years. Like the trauma and pain were still there maybe, but she could just choose not to think about them. They had no power over her. It was as though they had never happened.

焼き尽くせ 火花を散らし 惑わす声を 撃ち砕け 引き金 迷わずに

「Burn them all away, letting the sparks fly
Smash the tempting voices
Pull the trigger without hesitation」

Tara leapt out of bed, still clutching her phone, and jumped up and down a few times just to feel what it was like. It felt like she was stamping on all of the voices that'd held her back, and all the things that she regretted doing.

息潜め 声を殺して 見定めよ 好転の時 救いの光あれ

「Hold your breath, lower your voice,
and see the moment of change for the better.
Let there be the light of salvation!」

She went right up to the mirror and tugged at her cheeks, waiting for something to happen to her face. Then her neck smoothed out before her, and she gave a high-pitched gasp, just a second before the world spun and she had to hold onto the sink to steady herself.

消え失せよ 悪しき想いよ…

「Disappear, evil feelings ... 」

The lyrics felt muddy and distorted, for a few seconds. Then they became clearer, and so did her vision, and she ... she looked like a girl? Like she'd always been one? There wasn't a hint of guy to her anywhere, not if you saw her at the wrong angle. Not at all.

The girl looking back at her from the mirror had thick brown hair with bangs, instead of her old black locks, and pure brown eyes like hazelnuts. She looked small and fragile, but had a sheen of sweat to her face and was breathing hard, like she'd just run a marathon.

She was her, Tara realized. Kaminari Tara. Exhausted, excited, and very alive. Someone the dark feelings could never say wasn't a person. Someone her boyfriend actually deserved.

But more importantly ... this was the girl that she deserved to be.

---

One excited, sticky, and soapy shower later, Kaminari felt more awake than ever, and wanted to get Rei and tell her what'd happened.

The clock said it was way early in the morning, though. Crap!

She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and wrote an email to Rei, pacing as she did so, selecting the kanji she needed from auto-complete. Her thoughts were all in Japanese now, and she wondered if that was constraining them somehow. Like how the word for "siblings" was made up of the characters for "older brother" and "younger brother." Wasn't that kind of sexist? But then, didn't English have stuff like that too? Like how "woman" was ... um ... it meant something! Something plus "man."

Her thoughts were going a mile a minute, and after she sent the email she closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to take a mental inventory.

Her name was Kaminari Tara. She couldn't remember her deadname anymore, the English guy's name that her parents had given her. But she remembered her parents, and how she'd always felt distant from them. She also remembered the places she'd lived, but they felt so far away from her. She didn't feel like a Canadian who'd moved to Japan; she felt like a Japanese girl whose parents had lived overseas for awhile, and who had finally come back. Everything was going to be new for her, but maybe it'd also be exciting!

She'd missed out on anime for awhile because she'd been living overseas. Wouldn't it have been a waste, after all, not to partake of the local culture? But now that she was back, she had so much to catch up on! Maybe she could make friends at (school? work?) and watch and play stuff together!

Starting with Ar Nosurge and Fate/EXTRA, maybe. Somehow she knew she'd like those.

---

I'd seen Tara come alive before when she found stuff she liked, but she always went back to being depressed afterwards. There was just so much holding her back, and she gave so much time and attention to it, and so little to things that she liked.

Talking to Kaminari, or at least trying to, I got the impression that her past was still there. It hadn't been overwritten. It just didn't bother her anymore. She was a girl who had eyes only for the future ... and, apparently, for her boyfriend.

She blew me a kiss, as she signed out of video chat. 「See you later!」 she said. And I was too flustered to say anything back.

I stared at the blank screen for awhile, after that. Then I picked up my tablet and hugged it, because right then I needed to hug something. All the feels that I'd had when I saw those idols on YouTube? Yeah. This was like that. I loved Kaminari, but I was so overwhelmed by these new and confusing feelings, and I didn't know what to do with them.

I started doodling Lapis again, but this time a more realistic version of her, with facial features inspired by the new Tara's.

Maybe I'd figure this out someday. Hopefully before February.

Anyway, that's the story of how my girlfriend became fluent in REON-4213.