I took a deep breath, then looked into the changing room mirror.

How do I even describe what it felt like?

It's like the feeling I sometimes got and tried to suppress, when I saw a cute Asian girl: "Oh no, she's cute. I wish I were her." Except now I was, and my brain couldn't register it.

I tried to strike a confident pose, and forced a smile. It almost worked. I almost came across as cool and casual.

Then I curled up on the changing room bench and covered my head with my arms, thinking Who am I? Who is that? Oh my goddess what is ANYTHING anymore?!

I took a lot of deep breaths, to stave off a panic attack. Then I dug in my bag for my phone, and looked up the conversation I'd had with Reiko last night. (Kaminari and I had finally gotten her to sign up for an instant messaging service.)

02:13:43 OceanGem: Okay so
02:13:53 OceanGem: I did like you suggested >_>;
02:14:04 OceanGem: In front of the mirror
02:16:20 MitakeRan: That is good. <3 I hope you enjoyed yourself, Claire-née.
02:16:47 OceanGem: That's the biggest thing that matters to you, isn't it?

I'd stayed up late anxietying over everything, after a day of trying to distract myself and write journal entries to process my TS. I'd wanted to play Final Fantasy XIV, but my tablet was buried under a metre of snow and was going to stay there 'till summer.

02:17:33 OceanGem: You did this to me, and like, you didn't even ask me for anything in return. This isn't a test, or a punishment, or to teach me a lesson or anything. You just really think I deserve this, don't you? Including the, uh, fun and embarrassing parts.
02:19:27 MitakeRan: You're catching on. I knew you would eventually. <3

... I may have spent awhile yesterday "distracting" myself with those fun and embarrassing parts. In my defence, it's been years since I had an adolescent's libido. (Don't ask me how many years. Being religiously homeschooled and isolated didn't exactly prepare me for life.)

02:20:43 OceanGem: What I still don't get is, how the hell does someone like me deserve this? I didn't grow up dealing with racism like both of you did. And I certainly didn't spend my childhood and teenage years going through hell, being indoctrinated with strict gender roles and cultural norms and being moulded into a
02:21:02 OceanGem: ...
02:21:19 OceanGem: FUCK

Those alternate memories that kept confusing me? Of actually being a Japanese schoolgirl, and knowing what that was like? I was trying to remember my past, in the chat, and that's the point where I realized I couldn't tell the two sets of memories apart. Because both of "us" had had really strict, traditionalist upbringings, and the feelings I had about one blended into the other so seamlessly.

(Although with the kind of language I was using, I was surprised that my "inner schoolgirl" wasn't a sukeban.)

02:22:47 MitakeRan: Is it a good thing for people to go through hell, Claire-née? Do you have to be hurt a certain amount before it's okay to have what you want?

After my years spent playing Final Fantasy XI Online, back when my inner schoolgirl would've been teething, I kiiinda wanted to say "yes." But I restrained myself, because Reiko was still typing.

02:23:59 MitakeRan: Even if going through hell is something one has to do, you already have. And you received nothing for it, except the settlement money to make up for what was taken from you.

I shuddered.

02:24:45 MitakeRan: Your "upbringing" didn't grant you entry to a rich culture, or even adulthood. You had to figure out everything on your own, without any guidance. You've actively been studying Japanese, and doing your best to learn from and share Japanese culture, despite your limitations. And you helped me and Mistress inhabit the bodies and lives that let us overcome our own. Don't forget, you were the one who TSed me.
02:25:21 MitakeRan: So you deserve this, sis. Enjoy it. <3 I'll see you in person in a few days.

I sighed, and set my phone down before putting my face in my hands. My new, extremely smooth face, with its longer and thicker hair that I'd learned how to tie in a ponytail.

It belonged to me, didn't it? Whether I wanted it to or not. Whether I "deserved" it or not. This was just who I was on some level, and trying to kill that part of myself had hurt a lot more than it was worth. I guessed I should've known that it would come out eventually. I just ...

I broke down crying into my hands, as I realized I wished I'd enjoyed the change. Being TSed was supposed to be magical and delightful, and I'd spent the whole time being scared for my life. Now that beautiful moment was gone, and I'd never get it back.

Sort of like my first time with another thing, I guessed.

---

A knock on the changing room door interrupted my crying. I heard someone ask me a question, and it startled me so much I jumped to my feet.

"Sumimasen!" I blurted out, as I started grabbing my things. "Atashi g-"

... nani?

The clerk on the other side of the door was saying something again, but I couldn't focus on it. It was like trying to make out the shape of an object beneath the water. I got the gist of what it was, but I couldn't tell its dimensions.

I took a deep, shuddering breath, and made myself count to three in English. "I'm okay," I finally said. "I'll be out in just a minute."

"Alright, miss." Her footsteps trailed away. But I'd made out those words loud and clear.

I stared at myself in the mirror, clenching my hands into fists at my sides and begging my inner schoolgirl for an explanation. What the hell was that? What was she doing to my mind?! Nani o-

... ?!

I took a deep breath again, reflexively, as I felt the panic start. I held it for ten seconds, counting in English. Then I let it out and took another, concentrating on controlling my breathing as I processed what was going on.

The more anxious I felt, the more startled I got, the more I seemed to lose control. Not in the sense that I was holding back my inner schoolgirl because she was a monster, but in the sense that this part of me that I had repressed for so long was as scared as the rest of me was. And if I had a fight-or-flight response, she would too.

I chose to see it that way, because I was trying hard to believe Reiko that this was okay. And because the harder I tried to repress this part of myself, the more it hurt.

My fear and self-loathing had already cheated me out of one of the most beautiful, pleasurable experiences a person can have. I didn't want that to happen again.

I ... I didn't want to hurt like this anymore.

If I had to ... gah, this was so hard to think about.

If I had to enjoy myself like Reiko said, and accept that this was who I was and that I deserved it, I would. Because I'd seen the alternative now, and I knew that I didn't want it.

I looked at myself in the mirror again, and tried to see this girl as myself. Just a normal, intersex schoolgirl, in a sweater vest and a pleated skirt that concealed my cock nicely.

This outfit kind of resembled a school uniform, didn't it? I giggled nervously, and tried to process the feelings I had when I saw myself. If I had to put them in words, they'd be something like ... "Is this really me? Am I really allowed to be this? I can just walk out there looking like this, and no one's going to stop me or question me?"

Why did I get to be this person? Did I really deserve this?

"Honto ni shikata ga nai," I whispered to myself, speaking in Japanese on purpose this time. It truly couldn't be helped. But I could decide how I felt about who I'd become, and no one was going to stop me. So I turned around in the mirror a couple of times, flaring my skirt and pulling up my new stockings, before deciding that I liked it.

The outfit, and my new body.

I paid for the clothes and a handful of other outfits, including some fuzzy pajamas, before cutting the tags off of the ones I'd tried on just now and going back in the room to change. Finally, after stuffing my old, loose clothes in the shopping bag, I walked back out in what felt like my first steps as the young woman I'd become.

... in my old house slippers.

Next stop, I decided: The closest shoe store.

---

Shoe shopping didn't magically become more fun, now that I was a girl. I got the sense that my inner schoolgirl didn't care much about fashion, or at least wasn't good at it. Which is to say, of all the things that I'd secretly longed for, "cute shoes" had never been one of them. I think I was just picking out what looked right, and made me feel like myself.

I have to say, though ... the more I saw this girl in the mirror, the more I liked who I was now. It was such a weird feeling, because I'd never felt it before. I'd see myself blush in embarrassment, as I realized that, and it only made me even cuter.

Cute. Had I ever felt "cute?" Not really. Not even when my girlfriends called me that. But now I couldn't deny it. The girl that I was, was freaking adorable. I loved how mature I could come across as, but I also loved what I looked like when I was embarrassed.

No wonder Kaminari and Reiko loved teasing me about this.

So yeah, I spent awhile at the shoe store too. And I also took a bunch of selfies downtown, because Reiko had asked me to and because I wanted to remember this. I didn't know how to be a girl yet, but here I was, and there was like this adrenaline rush just from being out in public looking like this. It's like I was scared that someone would stop me, but it felt so amazing that it was worth taking that risk.

And as the day went on, and I ate lunch and dinner like that and even replaced my tablet with a new one, I started to feel like it was okay.

Then I stopped at a Tims -- a fast-food coffee and donut place, for those of you outside Canada -- on the way back.

It was clean and well-lit, and there were a lot of people who seemed to be just hanging out, talking with friends there. That was good, right? I got a French Vanilla at the counter, and sat down on the opposite side of a low wall from some high school or college-aged guys. The kind I was used to sharing the university's computer lab with.

One of them made eye contact with me on the way there. But I didn't think anything of it until he rested his arms on the wall and said "Hey, cutie. Where're you from?"

"N- what?" I had to crane my head (and interrupt cooling my coffee by blowing on it) to look up at him.

"Where're you from?" he repeated.

I wrinkled my eyebrows. "Cardston?"

"No, I mean where are you from?" By now one of his friends was leaning on the wall too.

"Where am I from ... ?" I had to process that. Did he mean what college I went to? What neighbourhood I lived in? I sure as hell wasn't telling him that. Or did he mean ...

Oh.

Oh.

I had literally seen people ask Kaminari this question before, but I'd never put two and two together.

I clenched my free hand into a fist, and sipped coffee foam while I tried to think of a response.

Then the guy was like "Hey, are you from Korea? Say something in Korean."

"Ni hao!" his friend said. Someone I couldn't see laughed.

I suddenly had this vivid picture in my mind, of me smashing the paper coffee cup over this asshole's head. But I didn't think it'd be good for the stuff in my shopping bags, on the chair next to me.

I set the cup down on the table loudly, and grabbed up my bags before heading out the door, ignoring the guys' protests.

There was another group of guys hanging out just outside, and one of them checked me out. "I like your skirt," he said.

I walked stiffly past him, staring straight ahead.

"Hey, I said I like your skirt!"

His friends all said how rude I was, as I rounded the corner without acknowledging them.

I didn't stop until I got to a train station two blocks away, and when I fished out my noise-cancelling earbuds from my bag and put them on I could hear my heart racing. I didn't even put on any music; I just wanted something to drown out the world.

---

When I got home I set the bags down, hung up my winter coat, then curled up on the couch in my blanket and shivered.

My hands shook as I IMed Kaminari.

20:53:27 OceanGem: I am too weak to be Japanese-Canadian.
20:53:58 OceanGem: Or a girl. I'm definitely too weak to be a girl.

I couldn't stop shaking.

20:54:47 KamiSama: Did someone harass you :c
20:55:01 OceanGem: Yes.
20:55:16 KamiSama: *hugs*

I didn't deserve her hugs.

20:56:27 KamiSama: Sometimes, when I transitioned, I thought ... is this punishment? Am I being punished, for having been born a guy? Surely I deserve to be harassed, because I didn't speak up about it as a guy. Real girls must be laughing at me.
20:57:13 OceanGem: That's exactly what it feels like

My eyes started to water.

20:57:58 KamiSama: Eclair, I am not laughing at you.
20:58:22 KamiSama: I will not laugh at you.
20:58:49 KamiSama: What happened to you was wrong.
20:59:24 KamiSama: I love you, and I am so sorry that happened. *hug*

I broke down in tears.

I couldn't believe I could be reduced to a teary-eyed puddle by a couple of compliments. Just a handful of words, that told me everything I needed to know about how those guys saw me and what they wanted from me. That my body was exotic and other and Not One Of Us now, and because it had boobs any guy could interrupt me at any time to tell me how much they liked it.

I sniffled, and wiped some of the tears away on my shirt sleeve before looking back down at my phone ...

21:03:45 KamiSama: I'm late for class. I have to go now, okay? You're beautiful and I love you, and I hope that you feel better soon.

... then I started crying again, because that was the first time anyone had called me beautiful.

---

I spent the rest of that evening playing with my new tablet, in between washing and clipping the tags off my new clothes. This one wasn't a PC tablet, so I didn't have to update Windows ... and I was less scared that it would freeze up on me when I tried to close a TS song. Even though I knew that was magic's fault and not Windows'.

I wouldn't be able to read all my Steam games pretty soon, anyway. Come to think of it, I thought, I should play through those before I finish TSing, shouldn't I? Or at least a few. Maybe school would let me borrow a laptop.

Or maybe I should just get a Switch, I thought. Or a Vita. Vitas have all the otome games, right? I was pretty sure they still sold Vitas new in Japan.

Wait, did my inner schoolgirl like visual novels where you play as a girl and get romanced by guys? That was ... something to think about. Although I had to admit, I had noticed some of the guys on the box art were pretty hot.

Heh, I thought, while bringing a load of laundry in from downstairs. That was me, I guessed: the girl who reads hetero romance novels.

I hoped that there was good yuri on Vita, too.

---

I slept well that night, in my new girl body and fuzzy pajamas.

The next morning, I skipped off to classes with a piece of toast in my mouth ... or at least, I took the bus there with my new tablet in my bag. And can I just say that I really appreciated living in a diverse neighbourhood? Like, more than ever? Because I felt a lot less out of place on the bus than I had at that Tims.

(Even if all the grocery stores were Korean and Filipino.)

But on the ride there, I asked myself why was I doing this, exactly? Because I didn't have any friends there, and it wasn't like I'd be finishing this semester. What with having major life events like an almost-full-body, mind-affecting TG and an upcoming move to Japan.

I guessed that it just felt like something I'd do? Something that made sense to me. I was a schoolgirl, and that meant that I went to school. It was simple as that.

Of course, I had to get a new student ID. Which meant missing my first couple classes, as I tried to find out where to go and then trudged across campus to the building where they took photos, squinting at the bright snow. Then I almost slipped and fell, right at the door, because someone had like thrown a Starbucks cup and its contents were splattered all over the walkway. What the hell?

Freaking college kids, I thought. Anyway, getting a new ID. As it turned out, everyone was kind and professional about it. They asked if I need an interpreter, and I told them no, and they seemed to accept that. All I had to do was hand them my old ID and fill out a form, then wait for my new ID pic to be taken.

(I wanted to put "older than I look and younger than I feel," under "Age," but there wasn't enough room and I didn't think they'd accept that. Under "Apparent Age" I guesstimated 16.)

While I was waiting, I noticed someone shivering in a seat next to the wall. They were bundled up in a hoodie and loose cargo pants, and the hood was down over their face. But I could see a grey-and-white feline tail with black spots, twitching nervously behind them.

I scooted over a few chairs and leaned towards them. "Uh, hey," I said, and they jolted to look up at me, and I recoiled a bit because I was suddenly staring into a wildcat's face. But I could see fear in their eyes, and their twitching cat ears. And I asked them "Are you okay?"

They sniffled. Or were they sniffing me? I wasn't sure. Then I saw their eyes glisten, and they said "No ... " in a high-pitched male voice. One that sounded really forlorn.

Why did they look and sound so familiar?

That wasn't what I asked them, though. "What's wrong?" I said, and tried to relax my body language a little.

"I ... I ... " They sniffled again. "I'm not welcome here ... "

That's when I noticed the coffee stain, all over the front of their hoodie. And remembered the litter I'd seen on the way in the building.

"Oh, geeze." I looked away, scratching at the back of my neck. "Do you, like, want a hug? Or anything."

"Please ... "

I got into the chair next to them and hugged them from the side, and I could hear them whimpering as they put their own arms around me. I let them hold on a minute before letting go.

"I'm Claire," I told them. "I use female pronouns. Have you decided on a name and pronouns yet?"

"I, um ... " They mumbled something indistinct.

"What's that?" I put a hand to my ear.

They winced. "Stardancer ... I use 'they' pronouns."

"Cool, cool." I nodded. Not too long ago I would've snarked if someone had shown me their snow leopard fursona named Stardancer, but after last night -- hell, after last year -- I didn't think I could do that. Not anymore. Not with something this personal to them. And not when they were getting attacked for it.

(Besides, at least it wasn't a [Word] [Species] name. Those were just ridiculous.)

"Wait." Something occurred to me. "Aren't you one of the furries from Red Deer? That got TFed last year?" I'd seen it on the news, right after the government of Japan announced the immigration program.

They shook their head, their eyes glistening again. "It was three years ago ... I hid in my house until last year ... "

"Oh. Oh geeze." I winced on this poor kid's behalf. "Yeah, I mean, I'm dating someone who got picked up by her country's government as soon as she got TSed. I can see why you'd want to wait until it was safe to, uh ... " My eyes trailed down to the splash of hot coffee, all over the front of their hoodie.

I sighed, and put one hand to my forehead. "It's still not safe to go out in public, is it."

They shook their head quickly.

"At least you've got your partner who TFed with you to help, right?"

"Not anymore ... "

Fffffffff ...

I took a deep breath, trying to think of something I could say to reassure them. "Okay, so, um, I just got TSed a few days ago? And-"

"Don't you have to go to Japan for that?" Their eyes widened.

"Yeah, uh, it's kind of complicated ... I'm going there in a few days, alright?"

"How come you can still speak English?" They gave me a weird look.

"I kind of only got TSed partway." I realized how unbelievable this was starting to sound. "Look, wait right here."

"Okay ... "

I went to the desk and asked for my old ID, insisting I'd give it back in a second. Then I went back over to Stardancer, and showed it to them. "That's who I was a few days ago."

"Holy shit ... "

"Yeah, that was my reaction too." I blushed.

"Are you okay?"

"I ... " I looked down at the floor. "I don't know. I'm trying?"

They nodded. "Sometimes that's all you can do."

I thought I was the one trying to reassure them! Crap, I thought, what do I say now? "Uh ... "

"Yes?" Their ears perked, under the hood.

" ... you like headpats?" I winced.

They teared up again. "More than anything."

Crap, now I was going to cry too. Was this something their partner used to do for them? Were they just starved for physical contact? Furries were big on that, right?

I gently removed their hood, and started petting and scritching their head like I would a cat's. They closed their eyes and began to purr, their tail relaxing behind them, and I remembered what it'd been like to have pets. How the cats had been my only allies, sometimes, at my parents' house. Somehow this took me back to when I felt safe with those cats, and honoured that they felt safe with me.

It was the most relaxed I'd felt since TSing.

Anyway, we both got our photos taken; me for my new ID, and them because they'd just transferred in. We didn't have any classes in common, but we swapped emails and promised to keep in touch. "Although, uh, I'll probably be speaking Japanese pretty soon here." I winced.

"Nihongo o benkyoshitai!" They swished their tail excitedly.

I grinned, and gave them a thumbs-up. "Ganbatte."

---

Number of times I was used as an object lesson in Women's Studies: 1.

Percentage of my Japanese class that was incredulous that I was still there: Probably 100.

Number of other girls who'd signed up for Computer Science: Not enough that I didn't feel weird and uncomfortable there.

Number of guys who tried to hit on me during and after the Computer Science lecture: 2.

Number of people who discreetly sketched me in Art class: At least 1.

---

Was I unusually attractive, or something? Is what I asked myself on the bus ride back, past slightly run-down Lebanese restaurants and the shiny new buildings that crowded them out.

I checked myself in my phone's screen and camera. I was a cute girl, I felt safe saying that to myself, but didn't I look kind of average? I hadn't gotten my hair styled or anything, I had no fashion sense to speak of, and the only thing I knew about makeup was that concealer was good for covering up facial hair. Which I didn't have anymore.

Was this part of the TS magic? Probably not, because if I were actually in a TSF manga I'd be hot and horny and a guy would be [DATA EXPUNGED]ing me. That left only one alternative:

This was just what a lot of girls went through.

I ... wasn't sure I liked that thought. Especially when I was moving to a country even more sexist than Canada, one where they literally fetishized schoolgirls. And had "JK cafés," and schoolgirl sex workers, and signs warning people of gropers on subway trains.

Maybe I wouldn't stand out as much there, at least? Being "exotic" and "foreign" and the new girl in class had to have contributed to this, I thought.

Maybe.

Or maybe it wasn't a matter of attractiveness at all. Maybe once you passed a certain threshold of "looks fuckable," what guys like the ones who'd invaded my space looked for was vulnerability. Being alone, looking out of place, not having anyone to speak up for you. Not being the kind of person who'd be listened to or believed. That way they wouldn't face any consequences.

I put my face in my hands. Dating Kaminari had made me a feminist, but getting TSed was going to make me a radical feminist at this rate.

I didn't know how I was going to survive living in Japan. I just hoped that my inner schoolgirl did.

---

I trudged up the stairs to my apartment, and once inside I took off my shoes and hung up my coat, by the dim lamplight coming from my room.

Then I turned on the overhead light, and saw myself in the mirror again.

Maybe ...

Maybe being a girl wasn't all that bad.

And maybe I wasn't giving myself enough credit, either.

I grinned at the hot Japanese schoolgirl in the mirror, and started taking off my clothes again, making a show of it as I did so. I'd had to hide a couple erections that day, behind and beneath my shoulderbag. This felt like a good time to relieve stress, and become more comfortable in my new body.

I still had to pack for the flight to Sapporo, tomorrow night. I had to meet up with my girlfriends, to help Kaminari with her "immigration requirements" and let Reiko change me the rest of the way. And then I had to face the ultimate terror: High school.

It'd be my first time, I thought, as I made ahegao in the mirror and then giggled madly at them. But it'd also be the first time that the girl in the mirror was someone I cared about. Someone I couldn't deny deserved to exist. Someone I wanted to succeed, not out of spite but out of excite.

And maybe, just maybe, someone I'd sleep with. If I had the chance.

Fortunately for me, I had her all to myself tonight. <3