Once inside, it was introduction time. Dad coached Mom on what to say beforehand, so she got right into it, from eldest to youngest. Goblins have to remember a lot of names, so they don't waste time building up to it.

"I am Asteria Redleaf, of Treeburrow Asterian, daughter of Eralindrea Redleaf.  This is my first husband, Gammon. This is my eldest dual-child, Ravenna. My eldest daughter, Lillandriel. My second dual-child, Shumpag. My eldest son, Palloren. My second son, Ashrick. My second daughter, Girenn. My third son, Nileck. My third daughter, Bavmar. My fourth son, Orazon. My third dual-child, Golgo. My fourth dual-child, Sibbi. My fifth son, Arnabog. My fourth daughter, Peralta. My fifth daughter, Estarill. My sixth son, Yator.  My fifth dual-child, Dimmas. My sixth daughter, Nilsa. And my seventh son, Fortunato. I am also pregnant, four weeks; due in twenty-six weeks."

"That's so not fair! She's a godsdamned baby factory! And duals!" One of the aunts complained, loudly.

"Wait your turn, Mags!" Grammy whacked her daughter on the top of the head with the black ladle.

"I am Matron Freya Durgaling, of Burrow Freyaling, daughter of Matron Durga.  This is my first husband, Tick. This is my eldest daughter, Neckel. This is my second daughter, Torda. This is my third daughter, Magret. This is my fourth daughter, Bafang. This is my fifth son, Gammon. This is my fifth daughter, Susou. This is my sixth daughter, Arva. This is my seventh daughter, Tenan. My first son, Reknin, has married to Burrow Rathling. My second son, Cavrex, has married to Burrow Rathling. My other eight sons are bachelors, or dead. Necky, wake up!" Grammy Freya poked Aunt Neckel in the ribs with her ladle.

"I am Neckel Freyaling, of Burrow Freyaling, daughter of Matron Freya. This is my first husband, Marzin...."

Blah, blah, blah. We'd better not be posing for an ether portrait after this.  My attention started to wander, obviously. The burrow was quite roomy, actually. I guess it'd have to be with all these kids running around. And not drafty at all. I don't know why I was expecting anything different from Dad's rooms at home. He probably dug some of these chambers out, too, just like I had to for my younger sibs. Although I probably had an easier time of it, since I learned to etherpush like four years younger than him, and mine can shove harder.

Mom dropped a hand onto my shoulder and squeezed my bones together. Damn it, Mom! This is so boring! And the younger kids are already playing with the cousins.

"...st husband, Vargas. This is my eldest son, Kano...."

Why am I supposed to be the only one still paying attention? Because I am the oldest? Yeah, that tracks. All the aunts were on a big couch, and they all had their boobs out, with one baby or another suckling on whoever. And they're sharing? Aunt Bafang just pointed at her baby on Aunt Torda's tit! My aunts are all stacked, too. I wonder if I'll grow knockers like that. Or bigger.  My boobs could grow bigger than my head, and just keep expanding and expanding until I'm just a massive pile of titty with a body trapped underneath.

Shit. If goblins are like this, am I going to have to let all my sisters' and sisbros' kids suck off my tits? Or does it balance out because they're also feeding my kids? Or what if I'm the daddy, and my wife has a bunch of sisters?  I started to feel sorry for my Mom. Her nipples are probably bulletproof by now.

Oh, and Aunt Susou just latched 'Natto onto her tit. Mom's hand crushed my shoulder bones again. Ah, fuck. She doesn't want me to pay attention, she is just super stressed at the culture shock. Her little baby is on someone else's nips.

I sent out happy thoughts. "Relax! We're all just one big, happy family."

I could almost see the invisible wave of energy pass through everyone. And then everyone in the whole place was staring. At me.

"Ravenna. Dear. What was that?"

"I didn't do anything!"

But then Mom plopped down on the moms' couch and whipped out her milkers. One of the little greenies pulled up on her leg and asked for ups. And she stuck that baby right on her tit. No jitters whatsoever. She looked... relaxed and happy. Everybody did. Shit! What did I do?

"So, my grand-dual. You must be about that age." Gramma Freya was talking, and now I had to respectfully listen. "We haven't had any duals in this territory for probably forty years. And she got killed with her adventuring party at the last demons' run. You have to be thinking about meeting people outside the family. Am I right?"

"Yes, Gramma Freya."

"You must get pretty worked up sometimes."

"Yes, Gramma Freya."

"Well then I suppose I ought to tell you now. Do not fuck your cousins. We are not that kind of clan. The only ones you can fuck, around here, are your uncles. And if you do, you might make your aunts mad. So you had better get their permission first. Are we clear?"

"Yes, Gramma Freya."

Fuck. I'm going to be a virgin forever.

We stayed for two months. I mean, it's great getting to know the family, and all that, but it's not home. And if I thought it was difficult finding a private spot to rub one out back home, with only 20 people, it was a thousand times worse with more than a hundred around. Especially when a good number of those were scouting, hunting, or foraging at all hours of the day.

I got caught four times!

And the worst part was that it just wasn't a big deal for them. They showed me the cave where all the older kids went to masturbate, but there was always someone in there. I think maybe some of them guessed where I was going, and took a shortcut to get there first. So I'd crawl in, and there'd be a little green dick out, or a hairy slit, and I'd wriggle back out in even worse condition than before.

And then word got around. The oldest boys caught me up, and pressured me into a dick measuring contest. Which I won. And then they weren't mean, or jealous, or envious, or anything. They hoisted me up on their shoulders, and carried me all the way around the property, chanting "King dick! King dick!" the whole way. So embarrassing. But also kind of cool. They were genuinely happy that their cousin had the biggest penis anyone had ever seen.

At least the girls didn't do that. No, they taught me goblin fashion and make-up styles. Also known as makeover torture. My skin is green, but not solid green. I have lighter patches everywhere, a few stripes, and little orange freckles. Mom has a totally different complexion, obviously, and honestly there's only so far you can go with the home-made stuff. I got the basics from her, but elf make-up is, to put it bluntly, minimalist. The cousins had cosmetics from the Cairns, in every color you can imagine, and the skills handed down in a chain of mother to daughter, unbroken for centuries.  They brushed and puffed and painted and dabbed and layered and swirled until my face was numb, and when they finally showed me the mirror, I got an instant boner. From myself. Then they giggled, and fakeccidentally touched it until I jizzed in my underwear. Mortifying!

So, apparently, while it was Gramma Freya's rule to not fuck cousins, there wasn't any problem at all with masturbating in front of them. Or over-the-clothing rubs. Anything goes, apparently, as long as there's no unclothed touching.

They were ostensibly "teaching" me how to attract and keep a goblin mate, but I'm no idiot. They were really just preemptively showing me theirs, hoping I would show them mine. So I did, eventually. Hey, if I ever want a goblin wife, I'll need my female relatives to vouch for me. If I want a goblin husband, I could just paint myself up, walk into the nearest city, and wait two minutes. I'm pretty sure they took some ether portraits of me, too, though I didn't catch anyone doing it. Because they all gave me fresh ether portraits of themselves in their best make-up and skimpiest clothing, telling me to show them around to any boys I may meet.

And every one of them, only a third as horny as me. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but I am a teenager now, and it's time for me to start being a godsdamned handful until I get laid.