Chapter 9: Struggling to Say Those Words
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CW:

Spoiler

This chapter contains sequences of dyphoria and fears associated with coming out.

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Vivi gazed at her phone again, just as she had every morning for over the past couple weeks. She was starting to get antsy. She looked over to Palu, watching her tiny body rise and sink with each breath the small creature took. She gulped, swallowing the prodding words at the tip of her tongue. Palu had already told them everything she knew already. Annie and Cleo had already gotten Thena’s phone number thanks to her. Asking her again and again wasn’t going to make things go any faster.

At first it was just an idle curiosity. She wanted to know more about this woman. She wanted to know who she was and what she wanted. But the more time passed, the more the questions burned into her. It was like something deep within her was anticipating their meeting, eager to meet her face to face. She rolled over in her bed… or at least she attempted to before she was yanked back in the other direction. From the shock her shoulder bumped her chest, and she was forced to flinch again from pain.

Leah’s teasing laughter bubbled in her mind. Her sister said she’d get used to it, but also laughed at her pain, saying it was funny how flustered she was. It wasn’t her fault though. It was a lot to get used to. It wasn’t like anyone had warned her that her shoulder length hair could get trapped under her when she moved around in bed, much less how much it stung to be yanked back like that. And no one had warned her how sore her chest would get. Sure, it meant she’d have boobs before too long, but all of her so called ‘sex ed’ classes just spun their wheels on weird warnings about the dangers of sharing blood with ‘blood brothers’ or lingering on how bad HIV was. Damned things didn’t really teach much about how men’s bodies developed aside from growing hair and a deeper voice, much less how a woman’s body was supposed to… like her body was supposed to.

She curled up and whimpered a bit. She hated those presentations. They’d split up the boys and girls, and she’d been thrown in with the boys. She’d tried not to let it bother her at the time. She’d tried to ignore how queasy she felt when they talked about the hair and the deeper voices. She’d tried to ignore the slightest hint of facial hair. Out of sight, out of mind… but it hadn’t stopped it from coming… it hadn’t stopped her from needing to lie to herself.

She groaned to herself. Why did Annie have to be right about this? Ever since coming out, it felt like it had become even harder to bear with her body and identity. In a way it was better; she knew what she wanted, and she knew she’d have it soon, her ideal feminine body, but until then… Her thoughts just continued to spiral. Lingering more and more on things like school, her teachers telling her to ‘man up,’ and how Todd would mock her for being girly, and…

There was a knock at the door. “J-Jackie,” Leah’s voice called out. She quietly cursed herself for telling her sister to call her that, especially right now. “Breakfast is ready.” She perked up, her stomach growling excitedly. Melody had told her it was important to eat when she was feeling down. And yeah, getting out of her dull drab room sounded really good right now.

“Coming!” she squeaked excitedly. Her eyes widened and her hands rushed to her mouth. D-did that girly voice just now… “Uh, hello?” she tested. She sighed as she processed it was just her voice cracking… or reverse cracking? A cracking voice was supposed to be a result of it getting deeper, right, and… She shook her head. “Food! Now!” she ordered herself to move.

As she got up, Palu rose from the covers and blinked blearily as the young woman left the room. “Did I miss something?” she asked before yawning and plopping back on the bed. “So comfy…” she purred before falling back asleep.

Vivi entered the living room and quickly sat beside Leah, who gave her a gentle but nervous smile. “Hey, uh, sorry,” she apologized. It had been hard for both of them ever since they’d agreed to keep her gender a secret from their mom.

“It’s okay,” Vivi replied. She certainly didn’t enjoy being misgendered and deadnamed, and Leah didn’t take any pleasure in hurting her sister by using such old terms. “I’m okay.” She gave a warm smile to her sister, who gave a smile of relief of her own.

The two began to dig into the warm pile of blueberry pancakes before them, each savoring each sweet bite. The warm syrup and juicy blueberries gave the pancakes a plenty sweet taste that was complemented by the crispy taste of well fried bacon accompanying it. Mary sat nearby smiling at them as she watched her children eat. She briefly got up to help Tommy as he helplessly tried to chase a blueberry across his plate, being sure to catch it when it rolled off the table.

“Now, Tommy, remember you want to hold the fork like this,” she gently explained as she showed him how to hold the fork. Vivi and Leah laughed a bit as their little brother struggled with the fork, a bit of a regular occurrence lately as Mary settled upon teaching her son good table manners. “Shame your father isn’t here, he’s better at teaching this stuff.”

“Oh, yeah, remember when he taught us how to use chopsticks?” Leah giggled.

“Yeah, it was really hard for Mom,” Vivi laughed.

“That’s enough teasing, you two,” Mary patted them both on the head and gave them a taunting grin. “I have more than a few embarrassing stories I can share about you two.”

“H-hey,” the two yelped in protest.

“Don’t worry though, it’s your dad’s job to embarrass you when you start dating.”

“M-mom!” Leah blushed.

“Speaking of,” Vivi said with a chuckle, “how is Dad?”

“Still busy, I’m afraid,” Mary sighed. “He was making plans to come home, but something came up so he’s going to be taking longer to get back.”

“Did he say what?” Leah asked.

Mary sighed. “He said it’s confidential. It’s strange, though; he’s never had this kind of trouble before. I hope he’s okay.”

“Daddy will be okay,” Tommy said confidently. “He’s super good at being good!”

“He sure is sweetie,” Mary laughed.

The conversation continued as Vivi’s phone began to buzz. She wondered if it was Wisp or Erika, eager to follow up with either of them. But it was neither. “We’re finally making plans to meet with Thena. Can you meet later?” read the text, Annie’s name just above it.

She texted back with a smiling emoji and confirmed to meet up the following day. It was a bit short notice, but she was certain she could figure something out; after all, her mom still was busy most of the day and Leah was probably willing to help her get there. Heck, she might even want to tag along to find out what was happening.

“Jackie.” Mary placed her hand on Vivi’s shoulder, her eyes darting up from the texts.

“Yes, Mom?” she squeaked, hiding her phone beneath the table. She grabbed at her throat, noticing her voice awkwardly cracking again. She really had to wonder if the frequency meant that her voice was going to change a lot soon.

“You weren’t listening at all, were you?” her mom sighed, pulling Vivi away from her thoughts again.

“Sorry,” she moped.

“Anyway, you need to let me know when you’re next going to Annie’s for lessons so I can plan my schedule.”

“Schedule? But I thought you’re working from home right now.”

“I am for now,” Mary sighed. “But there’s a lot of things I need to do back at the office. So I won’t be able to drive you around all the time anymore.”

“Oh.” Vivi frowned, uncertain of what to make of the news. She couldn’t exactly argue with that, but her meetings with the others were important too, and…

“I could do it,” Leah interrupted.

“Are you sure?” Mary asked. “I know you have other stuff you want to do.”

“Yeah, but I like seeing Annie too,” Leah explained. “So I don’t mind doing a little chauffeuring.”

“That’s good, I suppose,” Mary relented, Vivi sighing. “Guess that frees me up a bit. That aside...” Mary returned her gaze to Vivi. “Jackie, we really should look into getting you a haircut, dear.” Vivi trembled at the suggestion.

“What?” She looked up in panic.

“Your hair is getting rather long.” Mary gave a small smile. “It would be good to get a trim for my little man.”

Vivi’s voice evaporated as her mother’s words dug into her. She didn’t want to get a hair cut, especially to be her ‘little man.’ It nearly made her want to vomit from the sheer disgust. But how could she challenge her on that. What could she possibly say to…

“You know,” Leah interrupted again. “Long hair is becoming kinda fashionable these days.”

“Is it?” Mary looked to her curiously.

“Yep. A lot of big actors have been growing their hair out lately, and I think Jackie looks good with longer hair.” She smiled towards Vivi, who blushed.

“Well, if you say so,” Mary shrugged. “I suppose I have seen some boys with longer hair lately. Is that what you want, dear?”

“Y-yeah, if that’s okay,” Vivi quietly stated.

“Alright then.” Mary gave a gentle smile. She looked back at the microwave, noticing the time. “Oh shoot, I need to do some errands before noon. I’ll be heading out for now. Leah, you’re in charge while I’m gone. Don’t burn down the house,” she instructed as she headed out the door.

“Bye, Mom.” Leah waved, Vivi silently following her lead as their mom left the house. “Oh, my goodness,” she sighed. “That was stressful.”

“You’re telling me.” Vivi shrank, letting her voice float slightly higher. “I was starting to feel ill there for a moment,” she confessed. “Thanks, Leah.”

“Of course,” Leah giggled. “And I wasn’t lying, by the way. You look good with longer hair.” Vivi smiled. “You’re definitely looking a lot more girly now especially with that smile.” Vivi blushed. “Bonus points for the blush,” she grinned.

“Now you’re just teasing me,” Vivi protested.

“Maybe. But it’s still true,” Leah laughed.

“You two are funny!” Tommy joined in the laughter, causing the other two to look at him, both offering their own flustered blush.

* * *

“Dammit,” the short goblin grumbled. “So much for an easy job.” He slumped over in defeat as a rope tightened around him.

“That makes eight,” Vivi declared.

“Good going.” Annie smiled. “Now you.” She looked at the goblin. “What’s this about an easy job?”

“Like I’d tell you,” he muttered.

“Let me guess. You were told things would go nice and easy because there wouldn’t be any police, huh?”

“What!? How did you…” He looked at Anni in shock.

“Lucky guess.” Annie grinned. “Alright, that should be everything now. You ready, Magenta?”

“Yeah.” Vivi gave a slow nod. They exited the building, Annie leading the goblin to a group of other criminals who grumbled and muttered about their failure, each groaning upon realizing their final ally had been captured. The girls gathered, many of them proudly smiling about a good day’s work. But Vivi couldn’t stop herself from sighing.

“What’s the matter Vivi?” asked Carmen.

“Just… guess we were right about the corruption with the police, huh?” Vivi frowned.

“Oh… yeah.” Carmen began to frown.

“Before, I was thinking they just had their own priorities, messed up as they were, but I think this confirms that they’re letting some crimes just happen,” Melody summarized. “The question is why.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty concerning.” Annie crossed her arms as she looked at the group of thieves again. Something seemed off about them to her, and she furrowed her brow in uncertainty. There was a sense of familiarity. A goblin, some beast men, some mages, it all seemed familiar. “No, that couldn’t be,” she finally said. “Hey, do you lot work for Gunther?” The thieves froze and looked to each other with confusion. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Gunther!?” the others yelped.

“Then that means the police have been helping him, probably as far back as our fight at the mall,” Melody deduced. “But we still don’t know why.” She looked at the items they had secured. The thieves had been trying to steal a variety of communications equipment. Some modems, transmitters, even some phones. It was an odd if eclectic collection of goods. “And what does he want with all of this stuff?”

“I have no idea,” Annie said with a sigh. “If we’re right though, we should head out. The police might be here soon to clean up.”

“Oh, but what about our meeting,” Vivi called out as they began to leave.

“She’s right, we haven’t actually gone over that,” Ichika commented.

“If you’re all good with tomorrow, we can meet at my place and head out from there,” Annie stated. “Thena seems to be pretty flexible.”

“Tomorrow, huh?” Vivi repeated to herself.

* * *

“So it’s finally happening, then?” Leah asked as they began to march up the stairs.

“Yeah,” Vivi answered. Her voice cracked with another squeak causing her to grab at her throat.

“That’s been happening a lot lately,” Leah chuckled. “You sound like a preteen again.”

“Don’t tease me,” Vivi frowned. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Okay, okay,” Leah laughed. “But still. It is weird that it’s happening all of a sudden.”

“Yeah,” Vivi nodded. “I don’t know what it is, but ever since Palu helped me turn back the one time, I feel like everything’s been changing faster.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“It is, but…” she frowned.

“You’re worried about Mom, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I mean, what if she doesn’t accept me?” Vivi asked as she slowed to a halt. “I… I…”

“Hey, hey,” Leah said, rubbing her little sister’s shoulder. “It’ll be alright. I mean, Mom was cool when I came out to her as pan. I’m sure she’ll be okay with you.”

“Pan?” Vivi repeated. “Isn’t that the Japanese word for bread?”

Leah looked at her sister with bewilderment before finally sighing. “Leave it to you to jump to anime instead of the obvious.”

“Obvious?” she repeated dumbfoundedly.

“Anyway, it means that I’m kinda attracted to everyone,” she clarified. “Uh, y’know, like men and women,” she elaborated, now a noticeable blush claiming her cheeks.

“So, like being bi?”

“Uh, sorta?” Leah answered uncertainly as she scratched at her cheek. “Just like, all sorts of people are hot to me, regardless of gender.”

“You’re really amazing, sis,” Vivi commented.

“Huh?” Leah looked at her confusedly.

“I… I didn’t understand myself… maybe I still don’t, either,” Vivi sighed. “I didn’t even think about who I really was until the Magical Mist forced me to confront it face to face. Heck, I haven’t even thought of sexuality until you mentioned it, even though I’ve been surrounded by Annie and Melody being a couple and Ichika talking about her crushes. It all seems so obvious now. That I’m a girl. That I like girls. But, I wouldn’t even have let myself think about this stuff before. And meanwhile, you’ve been thinking about it for a long time, haven’t you? You didn’t need anything pushing you like I did.”

“Heh, yeah,” Leah nodded and chuckled. “At the beginning of high school, I had a lot to think about. I was attracted to my best friend, my best friend’s brother, and a lot more. I started wondering if there was something wrong with me. I eventually started doing some digging and I found there’s a lot of people like me out there. It took a lot to do that, though. I felt so nervous and kind of afraid,” she explained before looking into Vivi’s eyes. “That’s why I’ll be there for you too. So you aren’t alone. Even if Mom isn’t, or Dad for that matter. I don’t think either of them will have a problem, but if they do, I’ll still be in your corner.”

“Leah…”

“You’re amazing too, sis.”

“I’m not that amazing.” Vivi shook her head.

“Are too. I mean, look at how far you’ve come. You used to be so quiet and kinda depressed, and now here you are talking about your feelings. And I’ve seen how girly and cutesy you can be. Not to mention the amount of courage it takes to be a Prism Girl and going out there to fight crime.” Leah smiled. “You’re incredible, Viv.”

“Viv?”

“Sorry,” Leah frowned. “I just thought it might be a cute nickname. I won’t use it if…”

“I like it.” Vivi smiled sweetly, Leah looking at her in shock. “And it means a lot that you’d choose to call me something like that.”

“See.” Leah smiled. “You’re adorable.” She hugged Vivi. “And plenty amazing.”

“Thanks, Leah.” Vivi hugged her back.

“You ready to head in?”

“Yeah.” Vivi nodded. “I think I might tell Mom.”

“Sounds good,” Leah smiled as she reached for the door. “We’re home!”

“Hi, Mom!” Vivi waved to her mom, the woman sitting at the couch, her long black hair draping over her shoulder and onto her chest. She looked up and smiled at the pair.

“Welcome home,” she answered.

“Um, Mom,” Vivi started, “I…”

“The police currently suspect the Prism Girls for the destruction at a local electronics store,” the reporter on the TV commented. Vivi and Leah looked to the TV in shock. “It is believed they interrupted a theft in progress when the battle got out of hand and caused substantial amounts of property damage.”

“Wh-what?” Vivi stammered. “B-but that’s not…”

“Yeah, I’m a little shocked too,” Mary admitted. “I thought they were just a group of self-righteous girls, but to see them go this far...” She frowned. “I hope they catch them soon before things escalate any further. For their sakes.”

“Hey, don’t you think that’s a little harsh?” Leah asked.

“I know you must think that they’re doing good stuff, but there’s consequences to this kind of fighting. What’s going to happen if someone gets hurt in the crossfire?” Mary grimaced. She took a deep breath then shook her head. “I’m sorry. You were going to say something, Jackie?”

“Oh, no. I was just going to say I had fun spending time with Annie and the others,” Vivi said, a forced smile on her lips.

“I’m glad.” Mary smiled. “Now, go and get washed up for dinner.” She rose to her feet and entered the kitchen.

“You okay with this?” Leah whispered.

“I… I think it’d be a lot right now,” Vivi admitted. “I’ll tell her soon.” She clutched her wrist.

“Whatever you want.” Leah smiled.

Vivi sighed and walked towards the hallway leading to her room. She looked over her shoulder watching her mom pull a pan from the cupboard and place it on the stove. She briefly raised her hand and considered saying something again. She shook her head and walked away and into her room, closing the door behind her. She took a deep breath and thought of her mom. She thought of telling her the truth and her mom lovingly embracing and accepting her.

“Yeah, right,” she scoffed. “She’d prolly just get afraid that her daughter is a Magical Girl. And that’s if things went well.” She went to lay on her bed, Palu jolting out of the covers and looking at her with concern.

“Vivi?” Palu asked.

“Oh, right, we’re meeting Thena tomorrow,” Vivi told her.

“That’s good, but are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she chuckled. “Just thinking about Mom,” she lamented as her mind flashed to her cooking, frying food in the pan… “Oh…” She blinked. “That’s what Leah meant… isn’t it?”

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