Evelyn

I stared at my transcripts on my laptop’s screen from what now was officially the last semester of college, not really sure what I was feeling. I had spent so much time thinking about ‘what if I didn’t pass’ I hadn’t even considered success as an option. 

Somehow, this didn’t feel like success. 

Even though I just graduated with a bachelor’s in computer science, I still had no idea what I wanted to do. I felt like I didn’t deserve my degree, and even if I did, I didn’t really want it, given that I had grown to dread actually programming anything. 

I knew I was being an ungrateful bitch, and I should suck it up and get a software job making some CEO bajillions of dollars or whatever, but I could not summon the same enthusiasm I’d forced for the subject during my first semester, no matter how much I wanted to.

The noise of a key in the lock of my front door brought my focus outwards, and I turned on the couch to see my roommate and childhood friend, Jack, come home from work.

“Hey Eve, what’s up?”

“Hey… I actually passed my classes,” I let out in a bewildered tone, without thought. 

“Um, yeah, I’ve been telling you that for a week since finals ended,” he laughed, walking over to set his work bag inside his room before heading towards our small kitchen, which was open to the room functioning as a living, dining, entertainment, and office space for us. “Maybe we should celebrate, go out to a bar, find some dudes to chat up?”

I flushed, feeling awkward about not coming out to him as a lesbian yet. I started to realize my admiration of other women wasn’t entirely platonic when I’d been reading a romance novel about a year ago, somehow not realizing until the first sex scene that the character named ‘Charlie’ was not a man. Despite finishing the book in one frantic session and continuing to find more sapphic fiction to read afterwards, I had tried to remain in denial for most of a year before reluctantly accepting myself in the middle of the previous semester. 

Even though I knew he would be supportive, I kept putting off coming out, knowing I felt more anxiety about it most days than I would feel in the entire coming out conversation.

At least I was aware of my self-destructive tendencies.

After a long pause, I finally made a bit of noise in between a ‘hmm’ and a ‘ugh’ in response. He knew I wasn’t into going out and being social, but he also knew I relied on him to encourage me to leave the apartment, this past year more than ever. 

“How about I promise not to make you dance, and you promise me you’ll talk to at least one stranger other than the bartender?”

“Fine, I could use something to get my mind off this crap,” I bemoaned, gesturing my hand in the direction of my grades. At least he would probably suggest we go to The Rocks, the local gay bar, and I could wistfully admire all the confident lesbians, all unafraid to live as their true selves.

Grace

I was so anxious. 

I had been having a decent time at dinner with my friends, celebrating Melissa’s 21st, but when it was announced that we would go to The Rocks, a pit settled in my stomach. The pit only burrowed deeper and deeper until now, where I awkwardly sat at a table in the bar, while my friends, who were all women, laughed and ogled at the likely gay men who often returned the looks with glares. 

It was already embarrassing enough for someone as self-conscious as me to be in a rowdy group of drunk college students in public, but adding the facts of our group pretty clearly being an unwanted intrusion to this space, and me being a closeted lesbian upgraded this whole situation to nausea-inducing mortification.

Brianna, my closest friend among the group, leaned over to me, “Sorry it turned out like this Grace, when I suggested we come, I didn’t know we were going to end up here. I know bars aren’t really your scene." She put a hand on my shoulder. "If you need, I can make an excuse for us to leave early.”

“Of course I’m uncomfortable in this den of depravity,” I said, slipping into an awkwardly formal way of speaking, something I’d picked up from my parents, “But it would be rather rude to leave Melissa’s party this early while everyone is having a good time.”

She gave me a doubtful look. “Alright, alright we can stay and try to enjoy ourselves,” she leaned closer to whisper, “and I hope the ‘depraved’ part of this bar you were referring to is the alcohol and not the sexuality of the people here,” she grinned, a bit mischievously.

Brianna was bisexual, having come out to me when she was explaining that she was trying to hit on me when we first met in a university course two years ago. We’d later learned our families attended the same church, although she didn’t attend mass as often as I did, and she hadn't come out among the church community.

“Of course I’m referring to the alcohol, I don’t understand how that stuff is legal, it causes so much suffering, and I-”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard you say that a million times, Grace. I swear, you should try to let loose a bit sometime,” Melissa interjected with a slur in her voice, having heard me from across the table.

I looked down sheepishly, taking refuge in my water. It wasn’t like I wanted to be uptight, I just always felt so guilty when I broke a rule, even if it wasn’t something important. 

Brianna smiled and tried to help me out. “Come on, I like her the way she is, it’s cute how serious she gets abou–” Her eyes widened, and she looked behind me towards the entrance, “Holy shit!”

I slowly turned around and immediately saw who she was talking about. Next to what probably was a handsome man was a short college-aged woman, her pretty face framed by long, curly, black hair with neon red highlights. She wore a black leather jacket, and the white t-shirt underneath was a tight fit to her slim figure, showing the outline of where her waist and hips were. Beneath were distressed faded black jeans and white converse with some kind of design on them. 

The most striking thing about her, however, was her eyes. Her black lipstick matched the dark smoky haze around her piercing blue eyes, which I realized were staring right back at me. 

I quickly averted my gaze, facing back towards my table, and I heard the group discussing the pair Brianna and I were looking at, “...and look at those arms,” one of Mellissa’s friends was saying, “Do you think the girl next to him is his girlfriend?” 

I felt a bit embarrassed at having been caught staring, and this group loudly discussing people from across the room did not help.

Brianna quickly stood up, responding to whoever had just spoken, “Only one way to find out.“ She grabbed my arm and I rose with her as she pulled me in the direction of where the pair had settled in front of the bar. 

She looked back at the table. “We’ll be right back,” she smiled, adding to me in a quieter voice, “You can have the guy if he’s interested, just be my wingwoman so I can talk to the woman.”

I grimaced, trying not to show it and gave her an awkward affirmative noise. I wasn’t out, even to her, because I knew if my parents knew I was gay, they might literally kill me, although kidnapping me and sending me to a conversion camp might be a more realistic outcome. I really didn’t want to hurt them or our relationship, and right now that meant setting up camp in the closet.

Thankfully, because of how everyone viewed me, it was pretty reasonable I’d be uptight about getting into a relationship, and I was able to coast by without any fake boyfriends or even pretending to be interested. My current plan, if it could be called that, was to do the bare minimum to pretend to be straight until my parents died. 

Yes, I knew my plan was terrible.

We arrived at the seats next to them, Brianna adopting a cocky smirk as she leaned onto the bar. I only saw this side of her occasionally, and although I wasn’t particularly attracted to her, it still flustered me a bit to see her so confident and flirty. 

“Hey do you mind if I buy you both a drink,” Brianna said, watching as they both turned to face us.

The man gave us a friendly smile and a small chuckle, “Well neither of us is going to be interested in anything more than friends, but I do like making friends. I’m Jack, and this is Evelyn,” he said, extending his hand towards Brianna.

As he was talking I was watching Evelyn’s face closely, and I noticed she made a bit of a face about what Jack said. Maybe they were dating and there was trouble in their relationship? It seemed a bit weird to me for a straight couple to come to a gay bar together but given my group I couldn’t judge. 

Brianna shook his hand returning his smile with one just as friendly, “Well I would say that was unfortunate, but I also like making friends.”

She ended up buying both of them and herself each a drink, chatting merrily with Jack while Evelyn and I quietly watched. I was starting to get the impression that she wasn’t having a lot of fun here, and I felt a bit bad that her boyfriend was ignoring her in favor of Brianna.

Jack gave a nudge to Evelyn with his elbow and he leaned over, whispering something in her ear. She grimaced, looking up at me and awkwardly said, “Hey, Grace…”

“Uh, Yeah…?”  

“Did yo- Do you want something to drink?”

I looked at the bar top, realizing I was the only one not drinking anything. “No, I don’t drink.” I realized too late I'd said it a bit colder than I intended, and it was weird for me to even be here if I wasn’t drinking. I never drank alcohol, and any sweet drinks like soda gave me a headache, meaning I had extremely limited options at a bar. That was the case even before I considered how I’d feel spending $16 on an iced tea. I sighed inwardly, knowing I would be feeling self-conscious about this moment later tonight when I was laying in bed. 

She narrowed her eyes at me, and an awkward silence settled between the two of us. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to interpret her expression as confusion or judgment, but either way I wasn’t happy about it.

Brianna interjected, looking at Jack, “Well it looks like our friends here need a bit of help when it comes to making friends,” she laughed, putting a hand on my arm, “Maybe we should all hang out sometime to help them.”

Jack grinned, looking strangely excited at the prospect of hanging out with us again, “Yea that sounds great, let’s make a group chat.”

I didn’t feel very comfortable with how interested Jack was, thinking that he might be looking to leave Evelyn for Brianna, given how well they had gotten along compared to the gloomy Evelyn. Also, although Evelyn was very pretty, I wasn’t enthused at the prospect of hanging out with her either, given how our attempt at conversation went. 

To be honest, I was a bit irritated at her apparent judgment of me not drinking, and was not impressed by how she appeared to be letting her boyfriend flirt with other women in front of her. Not to mention the way she dressed; I knew if my parents saw me hanging out with her I’d be getting questions about if she was some Godless atheist.

Despite all this, I knew I had a hard time saying no to Brianna, so I would probably end up involved anyways. I just had to play nice if we ended up talking again, and there would be no issues. I'm sure it couldn't be any worse next time.