whatthe4355

There is a spoilered scene with a content warning late in the chapter. Section is skipable and the story will still make sense without reading it.

“Oh god do you think Renee’s alright?” worried Camilla

“Camilla I’m sure she’s fine, she probably just stopped for breakfast or something. If not, then I imagine we’ll also be getting the same surprise,” calmed grandma Hindkin. Alex was busying themself with a pencil and a pad of paper.

“Why?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but this seems like something out of a fairytale. Or paranormal at the very least. I mean, one doesn’t just wake up with a seven year old kid out of nowhere. What gender is Alex anyway?”

Alex piped up, “Oh uh, I dunno! what’s that? I don’t think I’m a boy or girl? Dunno what tho?”

“Huh, good on you kiddo,” said the grandmother, mildly confused.

The doorbell rang.

“Well, better answer that, I guess?” said Camilla, barely starting to get up before Alex launched themselves off the couch and ran to the front door, before realizing they couldn’t reach the lock.

“MOOOOOOM COME ONNNN.”

Camilla trundled her way over, trying not to shift her aching bones too much. She unlocked the door groggily, wondering where the person who rung was. A throat clearing redirected her attention downwards.

A roughly three foot tall orange lizard person in what could only be described as a spider legged wheelchair looked up at her sternly. Behind them was an old steamer trunk, which almost seemed like it had a nervous twitch.

“’ello, the name’s Rex,“ said the lizard,” My associate behind me is Arma. We’re ‘ere to help make sure you understand why you’ve got a kid now. Since your mundane humans, I’ll show some kindness. I’m a variety of kobold, and Arma is a transgender mimic. She’s a bit shy, bless ‘er heart. May we enter?”

Camilla’s mouth fell open, and Alex greeted them instead, “Shore! You want tea or water? I think mom has some soda too?”

The grandma piped up, “We’ll take you in the living room, to the right as you enter! I’ll get some water.”

Rex nodded and entered. Arma waddled in on stubby lizard like legs, revealing nervous eyes at one end of the trunk. Rex settled next to the couch, and Arma clambered onto the coffee table, a once hidden limb shaped like an old table leg gently moving the laptop to the floor. Three generations sat on the couch, and 2 of them listened. The third was almost vibrating.

“So uh, wishes do come true?”

Rex laughed, “Not on Baba Yaga’s life, no. Not without help, which is what my employer provides. You may have ‘eard of him, he goes by the name Rumpelstitskin.”

The old lady raised an eyebrow, “Wasn’t that the fairytale about a weird guy trying to stealing a kid?”

Rex sighs, “Yes and no. Money laundering via transmutation. He just got very stupid with his contract. Firstborn kids are rather valuable, the fae court likes ‘em as surrogate heirs. But that’s off the point, he’s trying to improve his reputation.”

“Like Al Capone and soup kitchens?” piped up Camilla.

“Exactly! Except he’s avoiding the money side of the equation, and providing services to people in need. You’re one of the test cases, but I won’t get into detail on how he’s paid for this. It’s….complex. What you need right now is clothes for the tyke, and paperwork. Oh and a pregnancy test, just to confirm something for us. Arma, you can go ahead and tailor for the kid now, just spit out the papers first please.”

“O-on it!” said Arma, whose lid opened and a wooden limb pulled out a manila folder onto the table. Then, a multitude of limbs sprung forth with tailoring supplies, and the front of the trunk folded down, “O-okay kiddo, just step onto the platform and I’ll get your measurements and spin up some clothes lickedy-split.”

Camilla shot the trunk a dirty look, “Hey, aren’t mimics known to eat people?”

Rex scoffed, “Oh now that’s just rude, innit? She won’t eat a kid, Arma’s too scared ta even eat a mouse! She’s vegan. Now, please just let Arma do the tailoring and take a gander at the documents. There should be a birth certificate, notice of enrollment, custody papers, and an ADHD diagnosis for Alex. We do not recommend medicating Alex for that, as it’s not quite normal ADHD.”

Camilla thumbed through the papers, noting a conspicuous inkblot over Alex’s gender marker. She smiled at that, and helped Alex onto the platform gently. Arma got to work, various wooden limbs unrolling tape measures along flesh, and others marking down strange units. A short while later, pair of thicker limbs gently hoisted Alex off the platform, and back onto the couch. Arma then shut herself and her little feet splayed out like a cat. A noise somewhere between a washing machine and a box of delicate tea cups falling down a flight of stairs came softly from within her.

The grandmother spoke up, “Alright, this sounds too good to be true. What are the costs?”

Rex snorted, “They’ve already been paid but if ya really want to know, cover Alex’s ears.”

Camilla, baffled, complied.

“So, there’s a lot of things one can take with no real negative affects. Alex is technically a changeling, your real firstborn is being raised by a pair of cisgender lesbian fae. Then, we took Alex’s gender and brain chemistry. Well, part of their brain chemistry. Not enough to make Alex a vegetable, just enough to satisfy a clause. They have the changling equivalent to ADHD now, as well as being autistic by human standards. Changeling ADHD is different to human ADHD, so the drugs will make them vomit….rainbows was what processing said. Do not tell Alex they are a changeling, that will upset things in the contract and the instincts will kick in HARD. Anyway, there’s some other stuff too. One of our contractors loves to eat flesh, so your mom’s lung cancer in remission is gone, along with the precancerous cells in Mr. Thompson’s brain. The final thing we had to take was a single ovary from both you and your wife, Mrs. Camilla. I know it sounds like a lot, but most of it either benefits you or someone we’ve contracted with.”

Grandma Hindkin stammered open mouthed while Alex squirmed in Camilla’s grasp. A loud rumble from Arma shifted their attention, and a royal purple dress was spat out at Alex. Alex wiggled free and practically lunged for the dress, scooping it up and ran off towards the bathroom. Arma rumbled some more and several large department store bags were spit out.

“That s-should g-give you a head start for Alex’s cl-clothes. Our associate should have a couple things for your wife’s toddler. Hope you like it! Kthxbye!” squeaked Arma before scuttling back out into the front hall, and apparently out the door by sound of the lock opening and closing.

Camilla muttered,”Mom’s cancer is...gone?”

Rex picked up an explained,”Body parts are common traded items in faire deals. And since cancer is technically one of those, it counts to satisfy a clause. Without her cancer and an ovary, you wouldn’t be pregnant. But we have to check, make sure our provider isn’t short changing you. There’s other services listed in the welcome brochure, feel free to take a look!”

The bathroom door clicked open and Alex scampered back in wearing a simple a line purple dress with a bright smile and a shimmer in their eyes. They twirled a bit in their dress, and then spotted the bags. Alex gasped, shot towards the bags.

Trixie fluttered in, set faere’s cargo down on the coffee table, and sat precariously on the older flat screen tv. Trixie grinned, which only managed to raise the tension in the room.

Renee broke it, “So, this is new! What did you bring? And uh, I assume this, “Renee vaguely gestured to herself and Quinn, “is your doing?”

That eased Trixie’s anxious smile with a spine rattling laugh, “Me? Goodness no, that was our contractors. I’m just here to make sure you get the paperwork and know who’s responsible. One other thing too, but I’ll save that for later. Let me see… oh! Mrs. Thompson, you used to work in legal aid, could you take a look at the documents?”

Grandma Thompson glared at the Pixie, and opened the envelope, only to squint.

“Hm...I’ll need my cheaters,” Grandma Thompson trotted off to her bedroom, and returned swiftly in a pantsuit and half moon cheaters,” Alright, Let’s see...Revised birth certificate along with forged birth certificate. Good work, although the IBM Selectric 3’s factory font is ever so slightly smaller than this. Good enough. Nice job on the embossing and times, although the Halloween birthday is a bit corny for Quinn. What else? Legal name change, court papers for the change... Yeah these will definitely pass inspection, you’ve got all the minutia too, kudos. Damn, even new passports, those are hard to fake. You did remember to put in the newspaper declaration?”

“But of course!”

“You are certainly efficient, Trixie. Hm. This marriage certificate...it looks fine but why is there a red wax seal on it?”

“Oh! That’s an option we thought would be nice to provide! Either you chose to have a nice white wedding or just take the certificate. The red wax is there to prevent premature activation of the reality alteration.”

Renee’s jaw nearly dropped, “R-reality alteration?”

Trixie sighed, “I keep telling legal to come up with a better term. Basically, what that will do is insert the wedding as a prior event in your and your wife’s life. Saves a hell of a lot of money, and you’ll have a bunch of new fond memories of that and the planning. We have to ask to do it because some people got very trigger happy with it. If you don’t want it, tear the certificate in half.”

Grandma Thompson was about to speak when Renee cleanly ripped the certificate in half. It set itself alight in a thick purple smoke, and when it cleared there was nothing left.

Trixie was about to speak, but Renee cut her off sharply, “You said me and Carmilla were a test case? Here’s some customer feedback: Do not offer that Thing. There’s way too many fairy tales involving something like it that people are going to freak out worse than me! Also, I somehow knew I had a uterus before the pregnancy test? Anyway! Anything else you had? Oh! What was that other thing you mentioned?”

Trixie went wide eyed, fluttered over to the coffee table, and pulled out a tablet, “T-this concerns Mr. Thompson, do we have somewhere we can talk in private?”

Grandpa Thompson’s eyebrows raised, “Yeah, we can talk in the kitchen, the door is thick.”

“Good, lead the way. Oh! Mrs. Thompson! Young one, I mean, please used the boxed pregnancy test in the bag. I brought it just in case you didn’t have one, but it’s far more accurate than human types.”

Rex spoke up again, handing a boxed pregnancy test to Camilla, “Oh! Before I forget, please go use this. It’s much more accurate than human variants, and legally I have to confirm our contractors work.”

Camilla nodded and took the test to her bathroom, she opened the box. It did not look like a standard test, it was more of a round hockey puck kind of thing. Confused, she looked at the instructions on the back. The mascot was a little old lady in a witch hat, who looked like she’d sooner serve you cookies than curses.

‘Granny Gertrude’s homestyle pregnancy tester: for all your concerns on whether or not you may be pregnant*

This is a reusable test with a self sealing packet of test strips. To use:

1. Push the button to turn the test on, and make sure its well lit. It’s solar powered!

2. Open the test drawer on the device, and leave it open for now

3. Take a strip from the packet, holding it by the aluminum part.

4. Align strip with urethra, where that may be on your person.**

5. Urinate through the strip, holding it in place by the tab. Do not touch strip.

6. When finished, place wet strip in the drawer and wait about 15 minutes

7. Check screen for results, see example of what those should look like below.***

8. Wipe the drawer with a gentle body safe wipe after use with test turned off, and remove the large aluminum tab left in the drawer. The strip should have disintegrated. If not: test strip expired, buy a pack of refill strips. Do not trust results screen.****

‘

Camilla frowned and read the small text aloud, “Asterisk, Cannot determine if you were meant to be pregnant by fate or by gender norms. Condolences if you weren’t modified to have a vagina for the pregnancy, you’ll probably know how hyenas,” Hyenas?”, feel when you go into labor. Asterisk Asterisk, works on any gender species with a urinary tract. Development on tests not reliant on urine is stalled. Asterisk Asterisk Asterisk, If you do not see the results table and instead see a symbol like a pentagram or an alchemical circle contact customer support and whatever religion or belief you hold dear. Good Luck, you’ll need it. “Good Luck?!” Asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk, “wow I didn’t know asterisks came in bold”,: for the love of whatever you believe in, don’t trust an expired strip. DO NOT TRUST RESULTS OF AN EXPIRED STRIP, TRUST CAN BE USED IN FAE LEGAL STIPULATIONS. EXPIRED STRIPS TELL NOTHING BUT LIES.”

“Fuckin hell. Well, nothing to it but to do it, I guess.”

Camilla followed the instructions and after setting the strip, washed her hands. The drawer closed on its own and an annoyed waiting music played from the hockey puck. She couldn’t place a name to the tune, but it played from something so tinny it slightly hurt her ears. She closed the toilet lid and sat.

CW for the next section, Implied police brutality.

End CW

About ten minutes into the test, something weird happened. Not to the test, thank goodness, but to the wall next to her. A doorway faded into existence, like a cheesy powerpoint transition. Camilla blinked, stood up, and opened the door. On the other side was another bathroom, with a short and wide black woman looking at a hockey puck shaped device on the counter. A familiar, short and wide black woman who had turned her head at the noise of the door opening.

“Renee? is...is that you?”

Renee blinked at her girlfriend’s soft voice, and then smiled. She practically tackled her girlfriend to the tile, and peppered her in kisses. She snuggled into her girlfriend, head burying itself in soft boobs. Camilla petted Renee’s sea of soft brown curls and sighed. With both of them so soft, the cold floor didn’t exist to them. All wrapped up and cozy together, like clouds sinking together.

They were fluffy and happy.