As the fifth 'beep' sounds from the digital alarm clock, Wyn rolls over from the left side of his five-foot bed and slams the alarm off. For five consecutive nights, he hasn't had a good sleep. He recalls going to bed before midnight and rolling over and over for a while. The second time he checked the clock, it was already past 4.00am. Just like every night, his mind was preoccupied.
"What if I had explained it like this instead to my boss?"
"Did I prep wrong data for the meeting today?"
"What should I do first thing tomorrow after turning on the work laptop?"
"What's the point in trying?"
"Why can't I be happy?"
"What do I live for anyway?"
And while he didn't get a lot of rest, he remembers the nightmare he had about being unprepared for a high school exam. In it, he reverted back fifteen years younger to his high school self. His high school friends were there too, just that the only unfamiliar face was the Maths teacher.
Today is Friday, one of the three work-from-home days of his nine-to-five work life. The time's now 7.32am and like any other day, Wyn still lies in bed, checks his phone for any important notifications he might have missed during the 'do not disturb' hours. There are two unread messages this morning, but as usual, he doesn't reply to any right away. He prefers to stare blankly into the ceiling and spend the next ten to fifteen minutes drowned in his own thoughts, dreaded of his own existence and the mundane tasks he endures every day – basically repeating the very thing that keeps him awake every night. All the while he's well aware that his life isn't so bad compared to many others' in the country of Tideland, a tropical country located around the equator line in Asiania. Despite being one of the most visited countries, it's facing sluggish economic growth in recent years. More than half of the population would be happy to have what Wyn has – financially supportive parents, good education, own place, and a secure job that pays the bill. This awareness though, puts him into a deeper wreck as he feels ashamed for being so ungrateful. But lucky for Wyn, the clock strikes 7.50am and another alarm sounds. Quickly he gets up, takes a shower, gets dressed, reheats and eats breakfast he had purchased the evening before, then turns on his work laptop that's sitting on a cheap wooden desk next to the left side of his bed. The clock's now displaying 8.50am.
Wyn is a data analyst for a company that lends out unsecured loans to businesses and retail customers. He has been with the company for five years now and yet a promotion isn't in sight. This is his second job since attaining his Master's Degree in Finance in Cannothing, a large country in the Northwest named for having vast empty land with very cold weather at the time it was discovered. As of today, it's well known for long winters, moose sightings, and the most controversial sports league of all, the Seals Clubbing League or SCL. While Wyn's salary is fine, he feels he's falling behind his university friends, whom he had kept in touch with for a couple of years before the chat group went quiet. 'Stagnated' was his last word in the chat.
Wyn, who will turn thirty later this month, has an appearance that resembles a typical petite lean Asianian male. He weighs around fifty-six kilograms and is one hundred and fifty-six centimeters tall. He has an oval face, hazel eyes, and dark hair. Being a straight shooter with utmost integrity, he's often seen as too aggressive. In Tideland, an important aspect to fast-tracking is to know who, how, and when to lick boots. Wyn has spent the past year and a half toning down, becoming friendlier with pretend laughs and fake smiles, and even working longer hours in an attempt to get more recognition from his two superiors. It seems though, that all the efforts don't bear any fruit. Important analysis projects get handed to two of his colleagues who get promoted every two years. The frustration is one thing, but the feeling of hopelessness has him asking himself if he will ever achieve his goal of becoming successful in his career. He knows he's capable. He used to be showered with praises from his classmates and lecturers for an outstanding performance in his classes. The only thing that softens the blow for him is that he's not alone in feeling this way at work. But with that, his colleagues have begun to resign one by one, leaving his team with fewer people to talk to. Within just three months of non-stop bleeding, the headcount is down to just four. This however, is where he finds good company in Budd, a colleague from the same department but is on the data science team.
While the laptop's loading, Wyn replies to the messages he saw earlier this morning. They aren't important. One is a team group chat asking for a vote on a restaurant for their upcoming team dinner next Friday, which he only reads. The other is someone from high school asking to borrow money – to which he says no to. He then signs in and opens a spreadsheet file. Just as he has it all planned from last night, he starts his day with updating the monthly performance dashboard as January just ended this past Wednesday. While doing so, he's bothered by the fact that his company's still cheaping out on an automation software that would get this done in no time. The task takes him under three hours to complete and he's off for a short bathroom break. The next task on hand is to get more done on a campaign performance evaluation. He has been working on this for a week now and plans to get this done by next Friday at the latest.
At 11.00am, he places a food delivery order and goes on a lunch break exactly at 12.00pm. By 1.00pm he's back working on the evaluation. While Wyn doesn't enjoy work, he still appreciates the fact that it distracts him from his own thoughts. Then a sudden 'ping' comes from his laptop. Looking at it, he sees that the time is now 4.30pm and notices a message from a familiar name that puts a smile on his face.
"Ramen still on?" reads Budd's message.
"Yuppp. 7pm at Ramen-ted," Wyn writes back. The two have been planning to give the new ramen restaurant for weeks but was unsuccessful in aligning their afterwork schedules until recently.
It's now 6.10pm, Wyn saves his work and signs out of the laptop. He changes from his black football shorts into a pair of beige chino shorts while keeping on the olive green t-shirt with a corgi face logo on the right chest. He then takes the skytrain to meet up with Budd at the destination. Both arrive roughly at around the same time which is a few minutes earlier than the appointed time.
Wyn has come to know Budd through work as Wyn's team often coordinates with Budd's team in producing data models. Budd has been with the company a year longer than Wyn and has been promoted once. Budd is a thicker male with a belly, black hair, black eyes, round face, and is one hundred and sixty-nine centimeters in height. Though he's 28 years old, he looks a couple of years younger than his age. His voice is modestly high-pitched, making him sound younger, especially when compared to Wyn's coarse and deeper voice. Budd got married last year and is not expecting a child anytime soon. In fact, he and his wife don't want what they consider an 'unnecessary burden'. Wyn and Budd didn't just become close only through work, but also from the similar perspectives they share on life. What sets Budd apart from Wyn is his seemingly nonchalant way of handling things. Whatever bothers him, he doesn't usually react with emotions. And while Budd doesn't go through the same depressive thoughts as Wyn does, he understands him. To Wyn, he's like a brother and is one of a few he calls 'friend'.
There's a line in front of the restaurant as customers are eager to try out the Pete-Holding-A-Tire or PHAT awarded ramen. While no one seems to know Pete and what his relation to the food industry is, except that he is a large white-skinned man, and somehow restaurants that manage to get recognition from him tend to do well. During their wait, Wyn and Budd discuss their work progress and share insights as they often do when they meet up. After nearly an hour of waiting, they're finally called in. Wyn orders a spicy tonkotsu ramen, while Budd wants a bowl of shoyu ramen. Since Wyn likes to spend time alone, whenever he gets to talk to someone he feels comfortable with, he talks nonstop. All those things running through his head are being put to words at light speed. However, Wyn vows to never share his depressive thoughts. The last two and the only times he did, the people he talked to ended up laughing at him with one telling him to turn to religion. He doesn't want to go through that with Budd. Instead, he often complains about work and bad experiences with products or services. Budd is less talkative but is second to none when it comes to complaining. Today's topic revolves around how global companies blame customers for their subpar performances. It's sickening to both that CEOs these days don't hold themselves responsible like in the past. Oftentimes, small employees like themselves are the ones paying the price while having no say in any crucial decision making. Wyn points out that when employees take a salary cut or are laid off to 'save the company', never do they ever hear that the executives are getting the same treatment.
"'It's a difficult decision we have to make' my ass," says Wyn angrily using air quotes.
The heated discussion is filled with harsh words, but is soon interrupted by the waitress – their food is being served in large bowls. Wyn is not a big fan of ramen in general but he dislikes the responsibility of choosing a restaurant more. Budd is aware of Wyn's preference though his love for ramen obscures his restaurant choices. As a tradition between the two, they review their dishes outside of the restaurant. While Wyn displays a slight distaste for his ramen, Budd finds his ramen to be underwhelming in the broth department. To Wyn, this dish is just enough to get a three out of seven. Budd has no response to that as he's not sure he just heard Wyn correctly, but for his ramen, he gives it a three out of five.
"Look! I'm pregnant again," says Budd while rubbing his belly.
"You're always pregnant. When will the baby finally arrive?" Wyn mocks as he stares his Budd's belly.
"Seems like never at this point." Budd is poking his belly. "What do you want to do next?"
"It's getting a bit late and I'm too full to eat anything else." Wyn touches his belly and makes a face that implies discomfort.
"Aight. Let's go home," Budd suggests, with Wyn nodding in agreement.
They say their goodbyes and while Budd calls a cab via an app, Wyn takes the skytrain. Once Wyn reaches his station, he has to walk for another ten minutes to get home. Along the way, there's a famous shrine where the hopefuls gather to pray for luck and fortune. A daily ceremony takes place from 9.30pm to 9.45pm where it gets a bit loud to the community living nearby. Wyn recalls the news where someone was trying to sue the shrine for noise pollution but ended up with a backlash from the believers – to the point that the person had to drop the case due to the number of death threats he was receiving.
"Why do gods demand we worship them, especially with goods and money?" Wyn wonders.
"And what of the poor religious countries? What are the gods doing?"
"If I am rewarded for my hard work, why should I give them the credit?" The questions keep pouring in.
Throughout his life, Wyn has been struggling with coming to terms with religions. He identifies, and keeps it to himself, as an agnostic. He doesn't fully deny religions nor divine power but can't find any logical reason to believe that they're real. Wyn lives by the phrase 'seeing is believing' and the biggest issue he has with god or gods is that no one alive has ever seen one. Those who claim to have communicated with one, always fail to provide logical evidence to back themselves up.
"If god's going to punish the unbelievers for not believing, then shouldn't he actively try to be seen more often?" comes a question that has been bothering Wyn for years. "And if they are all knowing of the past, the present, and the future, then why put the nonbelievers on earth in the first place, knowing well that they'll all go straight to hell?"
"Must be some kind of a cruel joke..." Wyn's last thought before making a turn into his building.
Despite his view on divine power, Wyn finds himself talking to empty air during difficult times. He hopes that if a god does exist, at least have some mercy on him, rid him of the negative thoughts, and maybe help him achieve some of his dreams. He knows he's being hypocritical, but having a glimpse of hope is what keeps him from doing unimaginable things.
Right away, Wyn removes his clothes and jumps into the shower. He doesn't like the smell of food that gets stuck on his clothes. After putting on something comfortable for a nightwear, he proceeds to unplug and put aside his work laptop then replaces it with his personal one. As with any other nights, he spends some time watching clips on 'UwuTube'. Most of the channels he follows are gaming, tech, and travel related. Tonight, he's spending an hour watching an eggheaded self-proclaimed 'gamer' play a game where regular animals are pitted against each in an auto battler style. The time's now near midnight. Wyn is feeling a little sleepy but he can't go to bed without venturing onto his favorite website in the world, 'The Adventurous Hamsters'. This is a community-operated video platform that charges members monthly fees to keep itself afloat. Members can share and enjoy a slew of clips of hamsters being released into different and odd places. He inclines to believe, from his observations, that a hamster runs repeatedly on a spinning wheel because it gets stressed out from being stuck in a cage twenty four seven. Running might give their tiny brains a false sense of getting somewhere new. Compared to his life, the cage is his job that restricts him from doing the things he actually wants. The wheel is how he goes on vacation or spends money just to give himself the illusion of freedom. He sees this as a cycle where no average Joe like him can break away from. This is why he feels a sense of liberation when watching these clips. Though many of the hamsters may die, and yes he does realize that this is animal abuse, at least they die outside of their confinement. Time passes by quickly when he's on 'The Adventurous Hamsters'. It's now thirty five minutes past midnight. Wyn turns off his laptop, turns off the lights, and tugs himself in bed. Just like the past nights, he is again having difficulties falling asleep.
The deprivation of sleep is getting to him. He's lethargic all the time. Weekends are what he looks forward to most. He enjoys the freedom to play games, watch movies, and even take power naps to make up for the sleep deprived nights. Nothing's fixed on the weekends, including time and activities. He hates it when he has to run errands or meet up with someone on a weekend as they take away his precious time. If possible, he would reschedule everything to weekday evenings. What others see as 'unproductive', he sees 'freedom'. What others call 'bland', he calls 'exciting'. That said, he only fakes a smile whenever someone criticizes his lifestyle.
As the fifth 'beep' sounds from the digital alarm clock, Wyn rolls over from the left side of his five foot bed to turn it off and checks on his mobile phone. No unread messages. The time's now 6.30am on a Monday, an office day. He spends the next twenty minutes staring at the ceiling, lost in his own thoughts as usual. This morning is one of those where he can't remember his dreams. All he can see in his head when trying to recall is dark shadowy shapes of the characters that appeared in them – no plot, no speeches, no movement, nothing. The morning routine for office days is nothing special, except that Wyn has to take the skytrain to work. Today Wyn arrives to clock in at 8.45am, fifteen minutes early. The office is already filled with at least ninety percent of the department members by this time. He says hi to some of his colleagues here and there then gets to a seat and reserves one for Budd to the right of his. He starts off by spending the next thirty minutes updating the daily dashboards before proceeding to take his bathroom break. By the time he returns, he sees Budd still standing, taking out his laptop from backpack.
He greets him. "Yo baby face."
"Hey. What's up?" Budd replies, unfocused and unwary of his surroundings.
"Good, good," Wyn responds, and sits down at his desk.
The office has fifty cubicles, one meeting room, and two open common areas. There is an aisle that separates the office in half with five cubicles on each side. Cubicles in the odd-numbered rows are south facing while the ones in even-numbered rows are north facing. Behind the last row and in the middle is the meeting room, which is also between the two open area spaces. The curtains are always closed to avoid sunlight from intruding. The Data Intelligence Department has two units. Wyn is with the Data Analyst Team along with his three other colleagues and one boss. Budd is part of the Data Scientist Team that has a total of six other colleagues and one supervisor. Despite the small number of members, the department is looking to expand. The office is of the free seating concept where employees can sit anywhere they want. Oftentimes, Wyn and Budd would sit near each other whenever the earlier person to arrive at the office would find two seats close to each other. If there are no available seats next to one another, they would just sit anywhere.
Normally at 10.00am every Monday, everyone gathers in one of the common areas to update what they're doing and the progress of their work. Today however, the executive that oversees the department is not in the office as she has contracted a contagious virus. Today, there isn't much going on. Wyn is back to focusing on the campaign evaluation project he has been assigned on. At around 11.15am, Wyn sees one of his colleagues, Pla, being called into the meeting room with the unit boss. Twenty minutes later, Pla comes out looking upset but then continues calmly back to her desk. The boss then calls Wyn into the meeting room, catching him off guard.
"How are you Wyn?" the boss asks.
"I'm alright. Thank you. How about you?" Wyn replies.
"I've been better. Now I know you're wondering why I called you in," says the boss. "It's about this year's compensation and salary adjustments. It's not good news."
"Okay..." Wyn replies, trying to keep smiling.
"You probably can understand the shutdown last year and the aftermath that it has on the economy. The company is projected to do badly this year. The executives have decided to freeze headcounts, bonuses, salaries, and promotions."
"No performance bonuses? Didn't the company just boast about last year's performance in a town hall meeting?" Wyn asks, while trying to keep his cool.
Normally, the company pays two to six months of bonuses. Wyn has consistently scored three to three point five out of five for his past performances. These scores had gotten him from three to three and a half months of bonuses in the past. The fact that he tried much harder last year only to hear this infuriates him. His smile's fading away.
"We're not terminating anyone and not cutting salaries. And yes, it did fine last year but it foresees an economic crisis to come later this year," the boss explains.
"So, it's just their speculation about the future. It hasn't happened yet. You even asked us to work the extra miles during the pandemic and we all did. Those hours we put in mean nothing?"
"I understand how you feel. But there's nothing I can do. I'm sure it's a tough decision for the executives to make. They're doing their best."
Upon hearing the last two sentences, Wyn's now fuming. His eyebrows are closing in on each other. If the executives care so much for the company, then they should omit their bonuses and maybe cut their salaries. One month of the CEO's salary is more than a year's worth of work for Wyn. Multiply this to the salaries of the CFO, COO, CCO, and all other high positions, the company can save tens of millions a year. His thoughts run amok for a few seconds.
"Doing their best, ha?" restating aloud the sentence that bothers him most. "Okay."
He then walks off the meeting room without saying anything else. He and Pla give each other a brief stare before Wyn taps on Budd's shoulders.
"Let's go for lunch,"
"Sure. Are you okay? You look upset. Is this about the bonuses?"
"Yeah but I'd rather not talk about it right now. I'm fucking fuming." Wyn's trying to keep his posture calm.
For today's lunch, the two are joined by two other data scientist colleagues. All four head out for simple street food not too far from the office. The food's pre-made and is placed in hot pans on a display where customers line up to choose what they want. This type of food stall is called 'khao gaang' in Tide. It resembles a potluck but customers pay according to the number of food options they put on their plate. It's cheap enough and is a famous choice for office employees. Once the group has paid for the food, they seat themselves at a table of four. They spend less than twenty minutes finishing their meal without much of a conversation. Wyn and Budd decide to take a stroll while the other two excuse themselves back to the office for an after-lunch nap.
Budd awkwardly unwedges his wedgie then asks Wyn, "Do you want to talk about it now?"
"No bonuses, no salary increase, no promotion," Wyn answers.
"To tell you the truth, I already knew. But my boss specifically asked our team to not talk to others about it," Budd replies.
"Ah. Aren't you pissed though?" Wyn asks, clearly agitated.
"Oh hell yeah. I was pissed. But...umm..., I've had interviews with a number of other companies." Budd seems unsure at first whether to tell Wyn about his job interviews.
"Oh?...How did that go?" Wyn asks normally, but inside he feels slightly betrayed.
"Two of them are interested and we're in the process of finalizing the packages."
"Someone of your caliber will definitely get a job anywhere. Good for you. I'm jealous."
"So how are you feeling?"
"I feel like shit, defeated. I might just quit and rest for a while before getting back to the workforce. I'm completely burned out."
"You should find a new job first then use your remaining leaves to rest. I had interviews with a lot of companies and didn't proceed to the next step with any but these two. It took me months."
"I understand, but I'm so burned out to the point that I just want to throw up at the sight of numbers. One week of rest wouldn't be enough," Wyn replies calmly, in fact he has been oddly calm through the whole conversation.
There's a short silence after Wyn's last sentence before Budd changes the topic to help keep Wyn's mind off of it. When Wyn talks about something this serious without showing much emotion, something's definitely wrong. Budd knows that Wyn is ambitious and tries hard, sometimes overzealous, to achieve his goals. He understands well what Wyn is going through but he himself is in no position to help.
For the whole afternoon to the evening, Wyn finds himself unable to concentrate on work. His mind is inundated with scenarios. He wonders what his next move should be. He's trying to analyze by weighing pros and cons of different options. To no avail, he's too mentally exhausted to reach a conclusion. He's left to stare blankly at the data, moving the mouse here and there as part of a muscle memory. What frustrates him more is one of the two favorites of his boss tries to hide a smile after a one-on-one session. Around 4.35pm, his boss calls the team to a common area to finalize on the restaurant for their outing dinner. Wyn doesn't say a single word during the small meeting, but the team agrees on a sushi buffet. The team disperses and Wyn decides to pack his bag and leave after saying goodbye to Budd, who stays a bit longer to finish running a model. On the way home, Wyn's mind is still preoccupied.
"Wouldn't mind getting hit by a car right now. If the world were to collapse today or tomorrow, I'll be ready."
The first thing he does when he gets home is looking for the antidepressants that he was prescribed via consulting a psychiatrist online during the pandemic. That wasn't his first time with a psychiatrist. He had sought help from psychiatrists before when he was doing his Masters in Cannothing. It has been nine months since he took the last dose. He counts the remaining pills that can last him a week and decides if he should take a dose right now. For a split second, a thought of overdosing on the antidepressants comes to mind. It is then that he decides to put them away. The kitchen, where the medicine is, another light bulb goes out as he's about to leave. This is the second one out of four to go out. The inner side of his kitchen is now much dimmer without direct lights. Wyn has been looking for a replacement but has yet to find one that would fit into the lightbulb shaft. The production of the original bulbs has been discontinued.
Wyn is currently a wreck. He texts Pla to discuss today's event. They chat for half an hour. Pla reaffirms Wyn's feelings that she also caught one of the favorites trying to hide a smile. The chat is heated but the two decide to stop as it's draining their energy. Wyn chooses to distract himself tonight with some 'uWuTube' and 'The Adventurous Hamsters' clips. By the time he starts yawning, the clock shows 10.44pm. He decides to go to bed and call it quits early tonight. However, regardless of how many times he rolls over from one side to another, he can't sleep. The fact that he kind of lost composure during the one-on-one chat with his boss today, the fact that he's certainly not getting promoted for at least another year, the fact that his friend hid information from him, makes him loathe his life even more. He has lost the purpose of his existence. He finds himself talking to empty air, asking for some light in this dark tunnel he's in.
