I woke up face down in the dirt. I could taste the musty earth grinding against my teeth as I moved my tongue and lips around as one often does after waking up in a strange place with no recollection of how he got there.

  I didn’t expect to wake up face down in the dirt by the way. I don’t usually make a habit of waking up in weird positions and unfamiliar places. Well… there was that one time on my eighteenth birthday but the less said about that the better.

  Nope, there was no reason I could think of as to why I’d woken up in a weird place. The previous night I’d run out of driving hours, I was a truck driver, so I’d parked up in a safe location, called my wife, gotten into my sleeping bag and fallen asleep in the cab bed.

  So then how the hell did I end up here?

  I pushed myself up from the ground and looked around. I was surrounded by palm trees. Now I know for a fact that there are no palm trees in England, which is where I’m from, so either this was some kind of oddly specific dream, or I’d been kidnapped. Well, there was also the chance it was an acid trip but that was unlikely.

  What was weird about the palm trees was that they were clustered together in such a way that it felt like I was in a jungle. A palm tree jungle? Wait no, that can’t be right. I thought as I began rubbing my eyes vigorously.

  I stood up and felt a warm breeze between my thighs. Wait, am I naked? How cliché.  I thought as I looked down to see that I was wearing nothing but a pair of worn grey socks.

  To be fair, I did fall asleep naked in the truck last night… with my socks on. Hey! Don’t judge me, my feet get cold ok.

  I could hear an incessant chirping sound, probably birds. I still couldn’t understand how and why I was here. Then it happened.

  Time seemed to freeze, and by that I mean the gentle breeze that was causing the palm trees to sway stopped and so did the swaying. Then an overly happy voice filled my ears and words seemed to appear in my vision, almost like a notification in a game.

 

Welcome players, to Celestia!

 

You are the newest residents of this little slice of heaven, lucky you.

 

This is a world filled with peoples of all races, monsters, magic and even the odd dragon or two.

How great does that sound? It’s literally every nerd’s dream come true right?

So, what’s the catch?

 

You’re being hunted!

 

That’s right folks, all 10,000 of you have been gifted a brand-new tattoo, completely free of charge. Each tattoo is a wholly unique and different part of a map. The Celestial Map to be precise, not that I expect you to know what that means.

 

Our prestigious hunters are oh so very eager to put that map back together again, piece by agonising piece.

 

They see you when you’re sleeping. They know when you’re awake. They want to skin you all alive so run or you’ll get flayed!

 

The map is on your skin and starting now, the hunt is on.

 

Good look out there, players. We hope you enjoy your stay in the idyllic and welcoming world of Celestia.

 

Time unfroze and the voice and floating words disappeared as suddenly as they’d arrived.

  “What the shit.” I said aloud, looking around for some kind of PA speaker, or maybe a camera crew that were about to tell me I was the victim of a televised practical joke.

  Sadly, I saw neither of those things.

  Did she say I was being hunted? I thought.

  Before I had time to properly think about that my vision flashed for a moment and a heads-up display appeared. At first I thought I was looking at something held statically in the air, but no matter where I looked it was still there. There were four parts cluttering my vision:

 

Level: 0

HP: 10/10

Stamina: 10/10

Options

 

Level and HP? This really was just like a game. Though 10 HP seemed awfully low. Also my level being 0 seemed a little off. I was 28 years old, surely that should have gained me at least a few levels from life experience alone.

  The whole system seemed odd. It spoke like it was alive, like it had a personality.

  I wonder what options means?

  As I had that thought the options menu opened before my eyes. It was pretty long, listing things from stats to inventory and even plenty of other things. As interesting as that was I decided to ignore it for now.

  The announcement said something about being hunted and also about a tattoo. I quickly checked my skin. I already had tattoos so it might be hard to tell if a new one had appeared… wait.

  “Where the hell are my tattoos!” I shouted out loud.

  I had a full sleeve when I fell asleep. Ink was expensive and I’d spent years getting it done piece by piece. Yet, as I stared down at my arm I saw unblemished skin. No tattoos.

  Putting my outrage aside for a moment I continued to check for this free gift tattoo the announcer had mentioned. I couldn’t see it, maybe it was a back piece? I tried to look over my shoulder but ended up spinning in a circle with no luck.

  I sighed, then another thought hit me. 10,000 other people. The announcer had said there were 10,000 of us being hunted. Where were they? Who were they? Was my wife one of them? I hoped not, she was pregnant and the thought of her being stuck in a place like this, whilst with child, chilled my blood.

  I began breathing heavily, my mind clouded with racing and spiralling thoughts. I didn’t know what to do, I knew I needed to get my mind in order. I needed to focus.

  I thought back to something my mother once told me. She said that when a task seems insurmountable, just focus on one thing at a time and eventually the rest will fall into place. I only needed to focus on one thing. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  Just one task at a time.

  Just as I had that thought another notification flashed on my HUD.

 

New Quest: Rock Out Without Your Cock Out.

 

They say that the body is a temple and you should be proud of it. Well I say stop flashing everyone and get some damn pants you reprobate! Seriously no one wants to see that.

 

Objectives:

 

Cover your manhood 0/1

 

Reward: A bit of fucking dignity.

 

That was certainly odd. I didn’t remember quests usually being that aggressive in the games I’d played before. I wondered who came up with them. This one seemed pretty unique to me unless the other players were also all naked.

  Considering that I was wearing exactly what I had on when I went to sleep last night though, I doubted it. Some were probably in PJ’s.

  The opening announcement said that there were 10,000 people transported here. So I wasn’t the only one who had been isekai’d, at least that was something.

  Huh, a truck driver in another world. Sounds like an anime title. Wait… does that make me truck-kun?

  My stomach rumbled loudly interrupting my train of thought. It was then that I realised I hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon. I needed to find some food. I couldn’t fight off hunters and find pants on an empty stomach after all.  

  I looked around and a thought occurred to me. I’m surrounded by palm trees; I should eat a coconut!

  I took a few steps forward towards a palm tree and looked up. Nestled at the top of the trunk, below the leaves, was a single coconut. It looked a little larger than the ones I’d seen on holiday before. It was green and hairy, shaped like an oval and it seemed to be attached to the tree by a thread.

  Must be a ripe one. I thought. If I’d have arrived a day later it might have already been on the ground.

  How could I get it down though? Using precisely no brain cells, I did the first thing that came to mind. I grabbed the tree trunk and tried to shake it.

  Nothing happened.

  I stepped back and kicked the tree.

  Nothing happened.

  Dammit, how am I going to get it down!

  I took a few paces back and placed my hand on my chin like some kind of philosopher. Then I heard a low thud. I looked back towards the tree and as if by magic, there was a green, hairy coconut on the ground.

  Perfect.

  I took a step towards it when words appeared on my HUD again.

 

You have discovered a new monster!

 

Loconut

 

These little cuties are mostly harmless. They live inside the husks of coconuts, hanging out on palm trees. Their diet consists of coconut milk and human organs. They mostly keep their distance from people, preferring to live the quite life out in the tropics. However, if you attempt to shake their tree, they will fuck you up.

 

  “Well shit.”

  I stared at the Loconut for a moment. It still just looked like a large coconut to me. That was, until it stood up. Two small, stumpy legs protruded from the husk, followed by two small, stumpy arms. There was no head, just eyes that looked through holes in the coconut’s husk. Just underneath the eyes, the danger appeared.

  A set of razor-sharp teeth shaped like perfect isosceles triangles began gnashing together. It locked eyes with me and I felt my blood run cold for the second time in a matter of minutes.

  I was having a bad motherfucking day.

  The Loconut rushed at me without warning. It was surprisingly fast for a creature with the legs of a dachshund. It waddled and bobbed more than ran, but with those devilish teeth taking pride of place I had little time to be amused.

  As it closed in on me I gave into my baser instincts. I didn’t have time to formulate a plan. I had no weapons, no armour. Hell, I was naked apart from a pair of old socks. So I did what any rational person would do in the same situation.

  I kicked it like Harry Kane in an England quarter final.

  I pulled my leg back, gritted my teeth and punted the little fucker as hard as I could. It was a lot lighter than I expected, but it still felt like stubbing my toe. I hopped around a little, clutching my hurt toe as the Loconut crashed into the tree trunk. Its husk shattered and blood, gore and what I thought might be an overused liver, sputtered out from inside.  

  I take that back; Harry Kane would have missed the tree. 

  The smell was vomit-inducing.

  I don’t know if you’ve ever smelt a rotting carcass before, but it smelled like that. Overpowering, thick and musty with a hint of gangrene mixed in for good measure.

  So much for my diner.

  I guess Loconut was off the menu. On the upside my stomach wasn’t growling anymore. Watching a midget in a coconut cosplay explode in a cacophony of guts and gore would be enough to put anyone off their food.

  I turned around and a series of notifications popped up on my HUD.

 

You have defeated:

 

Loconut (lvl: 1)

 

You have gained bonus experience for defeating an opponent above your own level.

 

  I guess it made sense that the Loconut was only a level 1. In most games the noob isn’t able to one shot monsters, even if they are weak.

 

Congratulations! You have advanced to lvl 1

 

Ah level 1, the first step on a spectacular journey. And where does that journey lead you ask? Most likely to you being skinned alive by the hunters. I can’t wait.

 

  I was beginning to get the impression that this system was a bit of a dick.

  Going up a level was cool and all, but what did it mean? Before I had a chance to check my options screen to find out, another notification popped up. This time though, it seemed to hover over the Loconut’s corpse.

 

Loot Loconut?

Y/N