“Oblivious humans who hide behind the walls and pretend nothing has changed. Terrified humans who can’t stand the sight of me. Arrogant humans who presume to be my equals. Fools who think they’re perfectly safe behind barrel of a weapon… They’re all the same. Common.”

 

I looked off at the horizon blankly. The curse of being too good at the job and getting more of it. He liked that I was none of those and instead a mouthy suicidal madman. It wasn’t unlike the situation with geezers from the manor. The lord has seen something unusual and coveted it, locked me up and claimed as his.

 

“You do understand you’re the one making me miserable, right? You’re the something cruel you claim to want to fend off.”

 

“And I am asking you why that is,” he hissed back. “You’re not trapped. You’re healthy. Safe. We’re doing what you asked.”

 

Was I massively overreacting? I stared at the horns through a squint. I suppose the threats were merely polite reminders, as the ancient being could just swat nuisances away. He certainly didn’t bother with reminders before disfiguring the sad sap at the church’s front gate. Perhaps he was trying to be caring … or something of the monster equivalent.

 

I chose to reveal small part of the truth. Just enough so he’d get off my back. “You change me. Bit by bit. Little things. You do something to my blood and I am no longer hungry. Muscles are not aching after all that walking. You wave your hand and my emotions change. It’s unnatural. It shouldn’t be like this…”

 

Monster ticked on… expectantly? Judgmentally? Air was getting heavier. There go his delusions of a fearless wonder boy. Perhaps I can smash them all altogether and he’d kill me at the end of speech. Floodgates were opening regardless.

 

“And then there’s big ones. The cheek, hands, twisted bones, missing teeth, old scars… Everything’s mended perfectly, like new. I am no longer diseased, as if I didn’t spend my entire life licking plagues off most disturbing surfaces to get by. Ears are no longer pierced... Did Lime even prick them or did I imagine it? Was he ever here at all? I’ve nothing of him… And there’s nothing to attest to the things I went through. It’s like this body is not mine anymore.”

 

“You’re unhappy that you’re better?”

 

He was just not getting it.

 

“I’m unhappy to not be me anymore! You manipulate flesh like a TV, how can I ever be sure I am who I think I am, and not just some miserable idiot you’ve dreamed up and brought to life for your entertainment?” It was a legitimate worry, even if not the most prominent one. I didn’t need to work hard to sell it.

 

The growl hitched with purposeful indignant annoyance as he said, “Rearranging human brain which I don’t even care to understand in general terms would be tedious and unnecessary when there’s billions of you to choose from.”

 

Ah, yes. I guess there’s that. I wasn’t special enough for all that effort. Nothing like a good old-fashioned ego check to lay my worries to rest.

 

“I shall not interfere with your body if you take care of it – but I will be around to make sure you will live long… Eventually you’ll beg me to give you more time and turn you into something more.”

 

I eyed the patronising monster, “So, what? You’ll just hang around in the city, watching?”

 

“Would you believe I have a lot of time and very little to do?” monster replied with a hint of teasing.

 

There were a lot of issues logistically speaking, but my very recently unclenched gut didn’t panic at the thought. It would be useful to have more muscle guarding our home. It would be hard to explain away the occasional meaty scarecrow at our front door, but I didn’t hate the idea at all. There was no scale by which I could judge alien creature correctly, but going by interactions thus far… perhaps he wasn’t the jerk I assumed him to be. Murderous, sure, but who wasn’t?

 

I grinned at this demon and felt shitty for all the attitude. “Sorry,” I muttered as though to myself but there was no chance he couldn’t hear. “I’ll try to be more patient with monster related hang-ups.”

 

“Mmm… In that case you’ll really have to go vegetarian.”

 

“What?! Why? You eat people all the time!”

 

“Cooking is gross,” monster rumbled and I turned to gape at him with righteous outrage. I found the shoulders relaxed and head tilted as though he’d just told a joke. He did, didn’t he?

 

“Asshat,” said and punched his bicep. Mood patched itself up without warning. It helped that monster apparently held no grudges or had none of his own instability to add to the dumpster fire. Having emotional capacity of a rock had its upsides. “If you plan to stick around people you really might want to practise more of that,” I gestured abstractly towards his upper body.

 

“Please. I’ve had millenniums of practise.”

 

Groundless superiority strikes again. Well, not entirely groundless but evidence suggested that humans excelled in this one field. “So why are you so shit at it?” I threw back in same tone.

 

“Unfortunately, your kind spent all that time evolving to tell apart predators that appear human,” demon grumbled.

 

“It’s not that hard,” I lectured grinning wide. “Just say you’ve got facial paralysis. Less is more. Oh! Channel Priest.” Great advice, all in all, but I hastily added, “Not literally.”

 

“It will be fine,” overconfident monster assured groundlessly and rang all my alarm bells. I briefly wondered if his baseline fine involved heaps of dead witnesses - all to save face he did not even have.

 

I let it go and covertly stared sideways instead. Things could rarely be taken at face value, but if he was to be believed, this coat hanger creature was really going way out of his way to ensure I didn’t get kidnapped again – not something I ever thought I’d have to worry about in my thus far quite unwanted life. And it warmed my frozen black heart. I really could do with fewer surprise road trips nowadays.

 

If all this was just a ploy to lull me into false sense of security and kill me after uttering careless, easily misinterpreted words, the joke was on him - to die happily oblivious was my plan all along. So everything looked great on paper. Doubtlessly there would be more things to iron out in this unwanted babysitting situation, but the devilish creature was proving to be surprisingly amenable.

 

Now that my neuroses have calmed down, I thought that maybe things are going to be alright. It was a strange, soothing sensation. I could get used to this.