Nobody bothered me once I went back to my room. I wanted to just wait out the night until everyone went to bed, when I could feel something again, but I knew I couldn’t. The others would get nervous if I didn’t keep playing the role of aloof brother. I could probably spend a few hours napping in my room, but after that I’d need to hang out with my family in order to cut short any curiosity about my health.

In the end, it didn’t matter what I did. Soon after I laid my head on my pillow to get more sleep, I heard a knock at my door. I didn’t need to hear the voice on the other side to know who it was, but she spoke all the same. “Jonah, sweetheart, can I come in?” I flinched at the name she called me, but thankfully my expression was hidden behind my closed door.

I took time to pull myself together before I called back. “Yeah, Mom.” 

She entered the room without waiting another moment, and I could immediately tell that I wasn’t going to enjoy this talk. She looked a lot more tired than she did even a handful of minutes ago. Was this because of me? Or was something else the matter? 

I didn’t want to think that I was the cause of my mother’s stress, but I wasn’t stupid. She had obviously noticed something was off about me, and had as a result worried. In that moment I wanted to confess everything I felt to her. I felt like she deserved to know everything I was struggling with. I knew she wouldn’t be able to do anything to help me, but she was my mom. 

Except I was her son. Her only son. She constantly told me how happy she was to have me as her son, how proud she was of her son. I didn’t know if I could handle it if she responded to me telling her the truth by mourning the boy I was supposed to be.

“Jonah, you know you can tell me if anything’s wrong, right?” Her voice pulled me from my thoughts, and immediately I was hit with a wave of guilt. How obvious was I if she was this to the point? And was it right to lie to her like this?

Whether lying was right or not, I didn’t feel comfortable telling her the truth, just yet. “I’m fine, Mom. I promise.” I was impressed with the fake smile I gave her as I spoke. I almost believed my own lie. 

Her expression was completely neutral. I couldn’t tell if she believed me or not. I just had to hope she did. “In that case, you still need to let me know what you want for your birthday. Adelaide told Melody she’ll probably reach Cos by then, so I’m sure her teacher could whip something up for you if you have an idea.”

“All I want is a body that doesn’t feel alien.” I almost said those words. They were so close; all I needed to do was start the sentence and I knew everything would come tumbling out. I just needed to be brave enough to take the first step.

“I’ll tell you if I come up with something,” I lied, and internally sneered at my own cowardice. It was just a handful of words. All I had to do was say them.

*****

After an agonizingly long night, I finally found myself on the comforting sands of the beach, with dawn’s light peeking through the clouds. I was delaying my swim, but I didn’t know how long I could do that. I didn’t want to get even less sleep by staying too long, but taking the first steps into the water was terrifying. I just knew it wouldn’t give me the answer I wanted.

Eventually, I found the will to start moving. I felt my legs shaking more and more with each step I took. As the water started reaching my waist I felt like my legs could barely support my weight. Was I that afraid? I shook myself out of my internal thoughts and kept moving. Eventually I shifted from walking to swimming, and things suddenly felt much more comfortable. 

Normally swimming was a bit of a challenge for me, even with all of my practice. My heart and lungs were never very strong, something I inherited from my dad, and so I had to work hard to keep from overworking myself. Today, though, things felt noticeably different. It was like the normal pain I felt in my chest when I pushed too hard was gone. The breathing issues I had, too, just vanished. 

I wasn’t going to miss out on taking advantage of my body giving me a good day, and I pushed myself a bit more than I normally did. It wasn’t until I accidentally opened my eyes underwater and noticed how clear everything was that I realized something was off. 

I had to push away the storm of excitement that was rapidly forming inside of me. I couldn’t let myself get too hopeful, or else things not going my way could break me completely. I refused to even look at my body, not yet.

I didn’t follow any set path as I swam forward. I made sure to stay relatively close to the coastline, just in case, but the longer I was in the water the less I felt the need to worry about that. There was also some sort of weird tingling up and down my body that I forced myself to ignore for the moment. I hoped I knew what it was, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. 

Despite my attempts to calm myself down, the excitement was getting to me a little. I decided to take a little test, and dived a few feet underwater without holding my breath. Everything felt different. For one, I could breathe, breathing in water felt as natural as breathing air. Two, it was like the sound of the water around me wasn’t even there. I could hear fish swimming in the distance, and it felt like I could more easily tell the direction they were in. It took a moment to find them, but as soon as I did it was like my eyes could laser focus on the creature swimming around. I was too far to tell what, exactly, it was, but no matter how quickly or erratically it moved I could easily follow it.

Once I realized how extensive everything changed, I knew I couldn’t keep looking away from myself any longer. All of the suppressed excitement and joy I didn’t want to risk feeling came in full force as I looked down at myself and immediately knew how completely right everything felt.

I had no idea how mermaids cried, but as soon as I looked down and saw a body that was mine I knew tears were coming. I was laughing uncontrollably as more and more tears formed, and every time I felt like I was about to calm down I caught another glimpse at myself and felt the arrival of another wave of joy. 

The most obvious new addition was a beautiful, long violet tail. Moving felt as natural as moving my legs, and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride at how shiny and perfect my scales looked. Along my (smaller!) arms were scales of the same violet color, and a fin? A thingy. A fin thingy along both arms. My hands, too, were smaller, and my nails seemed much sharper than normal.

I was disappointed when I touched my head and felt that my hair barely changed, if it grew at all. Of course, that was more than outweighed by the new additions on my chest. I didn’t have much context for size or whatever, but I didn’t need to know a proper sizing to know that they were perfect and mine.

 I couldn’t hold in the glee I felt. I spun around and swam and laughed and cried and so many other things as I felt so unbelievably right. This was mine. Me. I was Madison, in body and mind.

I felt as though I was laughing like a maniac, but it helped me notice that my laugh sounded different to my normal deep, painful laugh. “Hello?” I asked myself, too distracted by how perfect my new voice sounded to care about the fact that I could talk while underwater.

I needed to find a mirror. It was impossible to see my face, otherwise, and I needed to know how it changed. My hair might not look any different, but I was sure my face must’ve gone through some changes. 

I knew where a mirror was if I went on land, but the idea of doing that made my blood run cold. If my body only felt this right while underwater, I wouldn’t be able to take two steps before going back into the sea. If it didn’t, how would I ever explain what happened to my family? Would they even recognize me?

I shook those thoughts away. There was no reason to worry, I still had plenty of time to think of answers to those questions.

Getting too far from the coast was a recipe for disaster, so I made sure to surface regularly as I explored to ensure that I could always see the familiar ruins of the old city. This, sadly, limited my potential for finding things, but safety was much more important. I couldn’t imagine how I would find my way home if I strayed too far.

It took time for me to find anything. There were no shipwrecks or anything along the coast, which was a gigantic letdown. I half expected a wonderful trove of unexpected treasures, things untouched for years. Instead, it was just lots of aquatic life. Most of the fish swam away as soon as I moved in their general direction, but the plants were gorgeous enough to make up for the absence of animals. Everything felt so bright and vibrant, and I couldn’t tell if it was because of the natural color of everything around me, or because the shade once constantly hanging over my head was gone.

Eventually, just before I was planning to give up, I caught sight of something abnormal on the seafloor. It was like a seashell, but huge, and I was positive I could see an entryway. I wasted no time, and swam directly there.

It was, in fact, a gigantic seashell. The closer I got to it, though, the more odd it looked. It seemed to be almost completely smooth, with only a few small scratches or dents around it. It seemed to be metallic, or looked like it, which was odd for a seashell. Not the weirdest thing for a seashell to be made from, but still odd. It had small holes cut out of it that resembled circular windows, and a much larger hole that must’ve been a sort-of doorway. Though most doorways I knew of tended to be on ground level, not cut out of the roof. 

I was just outside of the seashell when I stopped. A glance through one of the windows told me exactly what I needed to know: There was furniture. Nothing like the wood carved stuff on the surface, but still recognizable. It seemed to be made out of something, though I couldn’t tell what. 

I looked inside only long enough to see if there was a mirror, but it seemed I was out of luck in that regard. The house seemed to be lacking in most of the things I came to expect. The only real furniture in the room—that I could tell the use of, at least—was a bed, some chairs, and a table. Where was food stored? And what was the bed made of? 

The house wasn’t going to give me what I needed, so I didn’t invade some stranger’s privacy any longer. I had to wonder who lived there, though. Was it a quiet retreat Mom or one of my sisters hid within? I had doubts, as none of them seemed to like their curses enough to willingly build a home for when they were affected by it. That left extended family or strangers, and I was leaning towards extended family. One of my aunts or Grandma had probably built it, and left it behind when they moved north. 

 With seemingly nothing else to gain, I resurfaced and took a welcome breath of fresh air. Water was nice, but there was something comfortable and familiar about breathing air. Especially now that my lungs seemed to work properly. 

Hopefully that would stay once I returned to the shore and turned back.

That, along with everything else. 

As I rapidly covered the distance to the shoreline, I made my mind up. I was positive that, if my body completely turned back, I would immediately go to Mom and tell her everything. Then I’d go back to the sea, and stay there. I didn’t know how I’d make do on my own, but I couldn’t begin to comprehend living a life in that other body with one that felt tailor-made for me as the competition. 

I’d miss my family, more than anything, but I couldn’t stand the idea of going back. Not in that form. Nothing could make me willing to do that. 

It wasn’t long before I made it near the shore, and I felt my heartbeat begin to increase in speed. I didn’t let myself dwell on the worst case scenario, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still a worry in the back of my mind. 

I took a breath. Then another. My resolve propelled me toward the shore, before I could hesitate any longer. I closed my eyes as I felt my body begin to itch, and I refused to open them even as I felt myself wash up on the hot sands of the shore. I could feel the itching all over my body, and I was fighting as hard as I could to avoid scratching everywhere. 

Within a minute the majority of the itching passed, but I still didn’t open my eyes. I could feel the painful brightness that must have been the Sun’s light, and the wet, hot sand underneath me was rapidly making me uncomfortable, but I stayed exactly in that spot. 

At least fifteen minutes passed before I did anything. I didn’t want to open my eyes, not yet, but my breathing still felt fine. It was enough to give me hope enough to open my mouth and utter a single word. “Madison.” I said, and all of my worries evaporated as I heard the right voice, my voice, say the word.

I immediately jumped up and opened my eyes. Even the sun’s blinding radiance wasn’t enough to dampen my spirits as I looked down at myself. I was still me! With legs instead of a tail, of course, but I was a girl! I still had all the right parts, everything that I had prayed would stay when I transformed back. 

I jumped for joy, and immediately felt my legs give out as they returned to the ground. I made an oof sound as my body hit the sand, and for a moment felt the wind knocked out of me. Okay, lesson learned. No overusing legs just after transforming. 

In time, my legs felt strong enough to adequately hold my weight again, and I stood back up. I slowly walked my way over to the changing room, and was in the middle of putting on my old, terribly fitting clothes when I realized I had access to a mirror.

I didn’t hesitate. For the first time since I found it I looked in the mirror with the intent to see the person looking back. As soon as I met my own eyes I felt tears of joy form. My face looked so much softer, nicer, and completely lacked all of those terribly masculine features that once plagued it. My orange eyes felt so bright it almost seemed as if they were glowing. My hair was still painfully short, but it almost seemed like it, too, fit the cute girl in the mirror. 

Everything was still right. And now nothing could take that away. 

“Thank you, Gaia.” I said, once the tears and sniffles slowed enough that I could speak. “Thank you so much.”

My old clothes definitely didn’t fit, and constantly having to slow down to readjust them did a number on my normal pace getting home. That, plus how long I took adjusting and recovering and being so unbelievably happy meant that I didn’t reach my front door until far later than normal. I could tell that it was closer to dusk than dawn, by a good margin, but unless Mom or Bea had gotten up extremely early I probably wouldn’t get caught entering my room.

I opened our front door and immediately knew I wasn’t getting off that easily. Mom was sitting on our dining room table, tearing into a plate of strawberries, when I opened the door. I saw a mix of fear and shock spread across her face as she caught sight of me, and I knew my expression mirrored hers.

“Hey, Mom.” I offered an awkward half wave as the silence between us stretched out. 

Her expression went through a flurry of emotions within seconds, but she quickly seemed to compose herself. “Go to your room, now. We’ll talk about your daylight escapades, among other things, when you wake up.” She sounded upset, but the look on her face gave me the idea that she wasn’t quite sure what to think. I had no idea if it was because of what had happened to me or because of how late I’d stayed out, but I had to hope that her not immediately throwing me out meant she wasn’t going to.

Those feelings were at the forefront of my mind until, eventually, I managed to fall asleep.