Drip, drip, drip—
Splash, splash, splash—
Pat, pat, pat—
Ever since the teachers let me out of our training room, I always found the sound of rain relaxing, for some reason, the way it constantly changing the sound it produce relative to the material it hit when it reached the ground make my heartbeat slowed down.
Due to the rain, the traffic light across the sidewalk become quite blurred to my eyes, the traffic light blurs it into some blocky halos of red, yellow, and green. The vivid green-yelow-reed color lost its usual sharpness, making it softer, yet still very noticeable.
As the rain fell on me, the transparent raincoat I wore creates a dense "pitter-patter" sound, constantly surrounded me like a crowded crowd.
Boom—
The explosive roar of thunder spreads across the dark night sky.
Thunder in a rainy night should be a normal thing that happen daily, yet I couldn't help but be drawn to this roar.
A yellow thunder diffuses with a faint white flash in the thick clouds, appearing just for a moment and disappearing in an instant. That lightning had illuminated the world for just a moment, only to fade away thereafter.
Only the first of the many are real.
Perhaps you can't understand what I'm talking about, so let me explain it better. Only the first streak of lightning can be considered as real, the rest are just repetition.
I once heard a saying—Have you truly lived over ten thousand days, or have you just lived one day that are being repeated ten thousand times? This quote comes from the Portuguese poet Fernando Pessoa. Previously, I couldn't understand the meaning of this sentence, but now I deeply feel it.
The past is like a wisp of smoke, and the present is like an old movie engraved on black and white film playing in a vintage projector.
I gaze at the dark clouds of the rainy night, not understanding why I'm thinking any of this random bit, perhaps thinking nothing at all would be better?
With a silent sigh and an empty thoughts, I shift my gaze back to the blurry traffic light in front of me.
—Three, two, one.
This is not a countdown that I do out of a whim, but rather the precise countdown of when the red light would turn to yellow, and the time where my journey would begin anew as the yellow would turn into green.
Unlike me, none of the people around me wear raincoats; instead, they hold umbrellas.
As the rain fell into me, the splashes that sometimes hit their shoulder made them frown, but none of them made any move to confront me, they are distractedly watching the bright white light emitted from the phone in their hands, hurrying along without looking up.
When the traffic light turn to green, I try to step forward, but fail to make an advance due to the wall of human flesh in front of me. Then I feel the man behind me also tried to push me to move forward, the man push is not very strong, but I can clearly sense the impatience of the man as he let out a quite grumble. The man behind me is not the only one who are pushing, as the incoming waves of people pushing each other make it even harder for me to move forward, the man behind me, who quickly noticed that I didn't budge an inch, quickly adopts a different approach.
Which are to forcibly lean his shoulder against my arm, he pushes me backward and squeezes himself forward. With a heart full of resentment, he leaves me with a lot of pressure in that moment. As a result, half of his body gets wet from my raincoat.
It's not his fault.
The fault lies in me who chose to stop moving.
. . . . . Nah, not really.
In fact, it's not that I don't want to cross this sidewalk; rather, it's because the people around me is standing so close with each other that I'm unable to move at all, making me able to do nothing but standing still. If one were to see my scenario via 3rd person POV, I imagine it would be similar to the scene from anime where the man is being carried forward by nothing but the flow of the crowd, all without making any movement himself.
But obviously, this can only done in anime. Due to the law of physic, such things would never happen.
As the green light approached its end, the surroundings became slightly calmer. The loneliness of the old era always heralds the rise of a new one, and because I deeply understand this principle, I seize this opportunity to briskly traverse the night.
The brim of the raincoat hood that I wore is shorter than I imagine, so I can only lower it further to cover my face, bowing my head down to avoid the rain as the sound of hurried footsteps echoed around me.
The sound of footsteps splashing in puddles is completely masked by the sound of rain, but what I focused more on is not the sound of rain, but the hustle and bustle of the crowd. The varied conversation of humans whose path intersect with each other, eventually transforming into the most clamorous natural sound.
Isn't this a bit ridiculous?
It's said that nature produce the purest sounds, the type of sound that are both ethereal and purifying one soul. But is that really the case?
The sounds of hustling and bustling are filled with various people life experiences. Although each of them are different in various way, without exception, their ultimate goals are the same.
The useless act of social gatherings, the false act of apologies done to save one face, the desire to complaints about still working hard to make a living, the joy of being in love, the exhaustion of snack shop owners. All of them have one nature that make them similar to each other, no, rather than just them, it's more correct to say that it's the entire society.
This is the second nature of humanity, those who live, in the end, ultimately cannot escape the word "interest."
Interest is the foundation of everything; all aspects of human society are built on the supremacy of interest.
And we humans are just creatures ruled by our self-interest.
I stroll towards the dark depths of the corner alley, masking my presence and instinctively hide deeper into the shadow.
– – –
Although it may be a bit sudden, I have something to ask to all of the reader here.
I want to ask all of you, what is the meaning of life? Or rather, where does the meaning of life lie?
Have you ever thought about this question? During your free time after working hard, or when you are forced into desperation and have your life filled with nothing but suffering, have you ever had the same doubts as me?
What is the meaning of life? Where does the meaning of life lie?
It seems that these two questions are completely irrelevant, but in fact, what I want to ask here is almost the same in meaning. In short, it is: Why do 'I' exist in this world?
Some say that living is for money, some for repaying their parents' kindness, some for their children's happiness, one might say that it's for leaving a lasting legacy, many other say that it's to have a happy and fulfilling marriage in the future, etcetera.
Such statements are much more common than one might think.
However, these are just some specific goal one made during the act of prolonging one life, not the meaning of life itself.
So what is it?
The answer is simple - 'Nothing.'
In just a hundred years, we would expire, becoming nothing but a speck of dust floaating in the air, or not even that. All of our achievements, like human life, would in the end, dissipate untill all that is remain is 'Nothing'.
After a brief and hasty consideration, I came to this conclusion:
—There is no meaning to human existence; we live just to live.
—If that's the case, why do we cling to survival instead of just ending it all?
Perhaps you would like me to think more deeply, to provide a more solid argument to prove this point, but I think I can offer a simple discussion on it.
According to the law of entropy, a system always tends to move from order to disorder. Each person has a moment of turning into dust, destined from birth. Therefore, our death is inevitable.
In other words, when we leave this world, those so-called material possessions, money, or even our bodies will be destroyed in that moment. What we can take with us is only the spirit and belief that remains within us.
That is, the consciousness and soul that never fade away.
Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the soul and consciousness possess such characteristics.
According to this reasoning, when we are alive, we should pursue spiritual richness. That is, to seek emotional satisfaction and intellectual enrichment.
If that's the case, then the essence of our lives is pure sensibility.
In plain terms, it's happiness.
The meaning of our existence lies in the pursuit of happiness.
However, although it seems like we are on the path to happiness, in reality, we have deviated too far from it. When everyone's brows are furrowed, hurrying along, we should realize this.
Endless learning, heavy mortgages, the difficulties of the workplace— These leave us no chance to catch our breath. It's said to be in pursuit of happiness, but ultimately, it's all for one word - 'money.'
To be precise, it should be - 'interest.'
Human civilization has developed for thousands of years, driven by the operation of interests, pushing society to rapid development, and even evolving to the point where talking about money makes people uncomfortable. It has become that living is solely for one's own interests.
How tragic this is.
The original intention of civilization was not to gain more benefits, but to spend the rest of one's life in the way one wanted, thereby achieving greater spiritual wealth. It was about pursuing what people nowadays call happiness.
But now, this is extremely difficult.
People expend a lot of time and energy, even sacrificing their own bodies, to exchange for many would conclude to be a life whose happines it bring incomparable to the pain they felt pursuing it, those life, which in the end, passes in the blink of an eye.
What can you accomplish in a mere 100 years? Can you truly achieve spiritual wealth? No, you cannot. You exhaust all your mean and energy to gain it, only to realize that you have always been striving for material posession instead.
Don't say that you've at least tried; such words are merely self-deception.
What is happiness?
In the barbaric era of apes, was strength synonymous with happiness?
In the dangerous era of wars, was merely being alive happiness?
The happiness of the majority of people is nothing more than a reflection of social phenomena under their respective historical backgrounds. The happiness we talk about is not real happiness; it's just pursuing self-interest throughout our lives.
If you disagree with what was said above, then let's skip the rebuttals and approach what we call happiness directly.
You haven't failed; through your efforts, you've reached the pinnacle of the pyramid. Achieving success, even having your name remembered for a thousand years.
But you have to accept that all of this is meaningless.
Whether you like it or not, after billions of years, the traces of our human life will be wiped away. No matter how brilliant your achievements, no matter what status and power you possess, it will all disappear forever.
Just as if humanity had never appeared in the universe at all, in the grand scale of the universe, everything about us humans is insignificant.
Our existence and disappearance have no impact on the universe.
Can material satisfaction lead to spiritual satisfaction? Is that possible? Can you truly sustain it until then? Even if you manage to stay at the peak, there's a fear that only emptiness remains.
Since fate is no longer a topic for discussion, why don't people return to dust early and seek a grand liberation?
At least, that's how I see it.
I left behind the darkness of this society alone and felt a slight sense of joy for the impending approach of my expiration, but more so, the future where I can feel anything but sadness.
I didn't see anything wrong with this kind of thinking, yet, that man still chose to stop me.
"...Is this the reason why I found you planning to kill yourself via hanging?"
"It's not planning; it's in progress, but it was interrupted by you." I knew that the moment this man arrived, he won't let me kick the bench away, so I voluntarily got off it and put away the rope in my hand.
"Do you think you can die from hanging with how monstrous your physical condition is?"
"Maybe, I've looked it up online, and it's one of the most common methods of suicide. Although I don't believe my death would be caused by a broken neck, I still want to give it a try."
"Sigh~ You do know that due to how your body work, even if you mentally adjust yourself to do nothing, it would still reflexively try to keep you alive, making your act of death by hanging null, right?"
"Reflexes are not uncontrollable behaviors, and what you previously saw is an involuntary experiments on my part. Suicide is causing death with one's own hands, since I'm still alive, it's not suicide. Still, I didn't expect you to visit my designated place today, it was my miscalculation. Next time, I will treat my suicide as cautiously as when I undergo an assassination mission and try not to let anyone stop it."
I brought two bottles of cola from the fridge and sat with him on the sofa. I'm not interested in drinks like this, but since I'm still alive, I'll consider it a reward to console myself for failing to kill myself.
"Why do you want there to be a next time!?" He grabbed the chilled drink from my hand with some irritation, forcefully opened the tab, took a big sip, and said, "Of all the thing that you could possibly do, this is not in the top 20 of my list."
"Is that so?" I mimicked his action, trying to pull open the tab on the cola can.
"Kid, do you think I let you free just so you could kill yourself?"
"Haven't I completed all of your missions? You said so yesterday." After much effort, I finally managed to pull open the tab and took a sip.
. . . It's not as good as I imagined.
[From now on, I won't interfere with you anymore. Do whatever you want.]
Hmm, yeah, that's pretty much what he said. I nodded, confirming that my memory is not faulty.
He listened to my response and gave me a blank look.
"When I said so, it wasn't with the intention of having you to do this, there is a purpose hidden inside my statement, it's a rather clear one that I thought you would notice instantly."
"Is that so? I didn't hear it."
"Haaaa~"
He shook his head, looking helpless. Then, he pinched his temple, closed his eyes, and thought for a moment.
"All right, then, I'll arrange for you to go somewhere."
"Eh~ Why? You said I'm free."
It's a pity, just a little bit more and I could have died. If I hang myself a little earlier, maybe I could have escaped from this world.
"I changed my mind, you need to finish this mission first before I set you free, as long as you finish this next mission, you can do whatever you want. I won't bother with you anymore, to the extent that even if you die, I won't bury you."
"That's a lie isn't it? I'm not a kid that are easy to trick you know?"
"It's not."
Is that so? Then, If by the time I finished the mission and he still give me more, then I'll bring him together with me to the afterlife.
"What's the reason?"
"What reason?"
"The reason for this next mission."
"Reason?.... Well... If there is one, then it's to make you understand the true meaning of life."
"I've just gone through something like that a moment ago."
"Haaa~ That's not what life true meaning is, the reason why you think so is because you still have a limited view of it.
You don't understand the meaning of life at all. I remember you've studied Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, right? Don't you think what you're experiencing is actually just the typical 'peak experience' in self-actualization continuously or multiple times rather than the true essence of life?
Damn it, the problem should be stem on the faculty teaching method. Those damned politicians, I already told them that their chosen method is faulty, yet they still do it just to save some cash, I should have vetoed to change the curriculum from the beginning, look at how these kids end up."
"I don't think there's anything wrong with the professors teaching method. On the contrary, their teaching method are more convenient than the mainstream one. I'm still wondering why this model hasn't been popularized."
"They tried it a few times in the past, but it failed, there is a reason why it's not popularized you know, do you think everyone is like you? Furthermore, this model can only be implemented if you have the help of the local government. Otherwise, when you apply for a job, your resume will be thrown to the trash from the beginning."
Ah, that's true. It's a society that judge one value through a mere paper; there's no way they would make time to test your real abilities.
After saying this, the man fell into a brief silence, staring at the delicious beverage in his hand, lost in thought. I could read the subtle expressions on his face, but even so, I still didn't know where his thoughts were. It was strange yet ordinary.
"... Hey, do you feel pain?" After an unknown amount of time, during which the rain blurred countless windows, the man looked at me with those ridiculous eyes.
What a nonsensical question.
"As long as they are alive, anyone would feel pain."
"Your ability to answer questions without actually answering it is even more amazing than rumored." The man sighed, then changed the subject, "You probably haven't experienced what pain really is."
"Are you kidding me? As long as one's a human, they can feel the existence of pain. Moreover, I'm just an ordinary person. And please don't easily believe rumors from the outside world; the subjective judgments you made from mere rumors will make me very distressed."
Only select few people, like one that have CIPA, are unable to feel pain, and unfortunately, I'm not one of them.
After hearing my words, the man smirked mockingly at me, which made me a bit annoyed.
"Ordinary person, once again, you speak about ordinary person. I've always wanted to know what your so-called 'ordinary' really means. Is your definition of an ordinary person is someone who neither lives a wealthy life as a bourgeois nor live begging for food in the street? Or is it someone who can anticipate and accept all events as a given while maintaining their sanity?"
I didn't respond to his statement. In fact, I didn't know how to prove to him that I'm just an ordinary person.
I didn't intend to waste energy on this meaningless matter, so I didn't say anything.
"However, you've probably experienced the feeling of being in pain, but it has likely become just an image."
"What are you talking about? Those things are well stored in my mind."
"But you don't really consider them as your memories, do you? They're just images, even if you call them as your memories, you treat them as existences similar to movies scene. You don't have a genuine connection with the 'image' that your memories are made up of."
"Hm."
I tossed the empty can into the trash without caring and dealt with his rhetorical questions. It wasn't something I needed to learn, but I understood it nonetheless. However, he didn't seem to want to continue discussing with me but rather continued the previous topic.
"People can feel pain because their body are made from the flesh and are filled with nerve. For someone like you who doesn't even blink when his stomach got gutted with a chainsaw, I think you're not even human, you are just like a machine."
Despite the casual tone, I can sense the malice deep within him.
"That's too much. My veins carry genuine human blood. If you don't believe me, I can cut it open and show it to you, although my room will get messy afterward."
"I will clean it."
"Hey, hey, are you really want me to show it? The teachers in the faculty said that normal people don't show the inside of their vein to each other." I quickly moved aside, wary of his actions.
A smile suddenly appeared on his serious face. "Of course I'm joking. How could I think you are a machine? If you are, the hidden camera would already recorded the scene of you changing your battery and send it to me, since you haven't put any weird thing in your back in these last few months, it's safe to assume you are not a robot."
"...Why didn't you tell me that you are recording me for the last few months?"
"Why would I?"
"... Good answer."
Actually, I already noticed that there were indeed five hidden cameras spread all around the room. I thought he had some secret reason for placing those cameras. But in the end, it seems he just wanted to verify the absurd question of whatever that I'm a human or a robot.
He set aside the cola can and slowly took out a cigarette from the inner pocket of his suit, placing it between his lips. I've always been puzzled by the fact that people working in the corporate world always wear suits. Even in formal occasions, you have to wear a suit, even in the scorching summer. This is a ritual formed I don't know when, supposedly indicating the proactive attitude of employees. However, I can't see that at all.
"Luo. Listen carefully. Although people life would always end, the action that they have done prior to that is what gives their life meaning. The meaning of life is to live, and when one is alive, they would cry, laugh, feel pain, and unease. What make one appreciate their life is the experience that they all have, be it bad or good."
"What make you want to end yourself is the lack of these experience."
After hearing this reply, I was a bit puzzled by his meaning, and when I came to my senses, I realized I was frowning.
"Heh..." A smirk appeared on his face, looking at me with an expression that said, "You really don't know anything."
"You are a fake one, Mu-chan."
I didn't like being called Mu-chan, as it always felt like an insult. But this wasn't the time to discuss that.
"What do you mean? What fake?"
"Hmmm... My bad, I think it's more appropriate to call you 'incomplete'?" He shook his head, "Anyway, you'll understand what I meant in the future"
"... Although I don't understand what you are saying, as long as I can fulfill this next mission, you wouldn't bother me anymore, right?"
"Yep~"
I didn't intend to engage in a battle of cryptic words, so I asked directly.
"What is the mission?"
"Nothing too difficult for someone of your caliber, you just need to stay at Kōdo Ikusei High School and then graduate like the rest of the kids," he said with a smile.
"... You want me to go study in some random high school and graduate like normal people first before giving me my freedom?"
I'm trying to kill myself, the act of going to high school is completely meaningless, except for being able to make various friends that I don't think would miss my departure. I won't learn anything else there. Is there any other objection for this mission?
"Sort of, but don't understimate this mission, that high school you are going to is in no way normal." He wagged his index finger in front of my eyes. "The school is quite special, this mission will be more interesting than you think. Just make sure you don't get expelled from school before the three years are up."
"... Just to clarify, my mission is to just graduate?" I asked him my final question with doubt.
"No, of course not. graduating is the bare minimum of what you need to do, there are other objective that need to be done too."
"What do you want me to do then? If the mission objective isn't clearly defined, I can't do my best."
"What I want is something that you aren't allowed to to know. I'll give you some small objective for you to do when I think the time is right, and you just need to finish it."
"That's too troublesome. It would be better if you told me the mission objective directly so I could effectively achieve the goal. If you don't, I can't guarantee that I will succeed."
"If I tell you what it is, you will definitely fail. Besides, even if you fail, isn't it fine? After all, you never failed before have you? Perhaps having you feeling the experience of failing at something is what the mission objective is? Would you knowing it make this objective possible to be done?
"I failed all the time before; everyone does at some point. And you're overestimating me."
"Haha, you're too modest. Tomorrow, I'll tell you more info about this mission, but you can only use the information I provide, and you're not allowed to investigate the school on your own."
"Your demands are quite strict."
"It's because I have faith in your skill."
"What a pain, now shoo~ I need to pack up some thing."
"Uaa~ You are as rude as ever."
Tn: This is not the first COTE Fanfic that I actually translated, but it's one that I liked enough to be posted on the Public Doman (Webovel, QQ, etc) instead of being left in my Patreon, this one is actually my favorite COTE fanfiction and one of the Top 5 most well liked fanfiction that I had read so far, the character progression of Luo Mu and the comparison between him and Kiyotaka is interesting to see, since unlike the latter, who are slowly adapting to his class Trash environment and slowly going 'dark', the fact that his closest 'Friend' (If it can be called that), Horikita, is someone who are simply said, while not a bad person, is not someone that you want to left raise a child with.
Which, funnily enough, what Kiyotaka are in the series, he's no different than a newborn baby who are thrust into the cruel society, he could grow like a normal person if he choose to study at a normal school, but the fact that he end up at the Advanced Nurturing Highschool, the place where children are pitted against each other like they are in some kind of gladiator arena where no person is a good person, just less evil than the other, make him become a much colder person than what he can actually become.
Luo Mu (The MC) is the opposite, since in this world, Ichinose is basically an Angel in human skin, and the Class that he adapted himself too also one of those "Class who are full of good people".
