(CW: Implied Suicide Attempt, Deadnaming)

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October 13, 2022

 

Jace

 

I guess this is hell…

 

My vision slowly cleared. I should honestly be dead. The last I remembered was the cold water, barely illuminated, surrounding me in its embrace, bereft of heat, quickly soaking my clothes and draining mine. I had let it take me, barely putting up a fight. I couldn’t take it anymore. 

 

I held my head up to get my bearings. I had awakened in a drab, gray room, four concrete walls bereft of decoration or even furnishings, other than the bed beneath me; the toilet to my right, a couple of cupboards that looked locked shut; a small dumbwaiter, and a door with no immediately obvious handles and a glowing red light. I couldn’t find any sources of natural light, only sterile fluorescents hanging in a neat row in the center of the ceiling. In doing a bit more searching around the room, I also noticed a loudspeaker in the corner, its purpose unknown, as well as a little black square affixed by the door.

 

The sheets were plush, warm, comforting, dry , all like a comforting hug from mom. A stark contrast to the cold water I remembered before, as it drenched my shorts and chilled me to the bone. I reached up to my head, to feel my hair, to pass it between my fingers. Even the messy locks on the top of my head were completely dry, albeit matted in the way that hair often got after being thrown in the pool and dried off. The thin pillow cradling my head was similarly dry. Even as it was otherwise a glorified examination table, I felt like a million bucks. 

 

What wasn’t really sitting right with me was the fact that my clothes were gone, only replaced by a thin, green smock that reminded me faintly of a hospital gown. Any other sign of my belongings was not completely evident to me. I sat up, wrapping the warm blanket around me, noticing it was more along the lines of a quilt. The designs on it were an abstract pattern of red and white triangles. It felt homemade. I really took a liking to it, but I knew that it would be temporary.

 

As I sat up, flexing my arm to help me gather my balance while I sat up, I noticed a dull ache emanating from the crook of my right arm as well as an itchy burn coming from where my abdomen rubbed against the quilt. When I looked at my right arm, there was a round bandage on my skin. I ignored the burn; perhaps it was just a bump, just another one of the sorts that popped up on my skin a lot. Maybe it just came from rubbing against the smock. After a few moments, I felt the sensation fade. 

 

Maybe drawing blood was part of the procedure for whatever they needed to do to save me…

 

I let out a sigh of relief. That would make some logical sense to put me under some sort of emergency care, to keep me in a room like this to keep me from leaving and doing the same thing again. Perhaps this was the local hospital’s form of observation. Perhaps the quilt was an emergency measure, used to keep me warm. I hope they would not mind parting with it. If I can’t be allowed to die, the least I could be allowed to do is sleep a little bit more comfortably in the dorm. 

 

As I took everything in, I felt relief wash over me. This was a hospital, was it not? It was too sterile to be anything else. It was even up in the air if they knew who I was. I didn't bring my wallet or keys, or a change of clothes, or a backpack. Just the clothes on my back, and those were likely just in the wash. My family wouldn’t know where I was for a little while longer, and perhaps they slept through all of this.

 

Before my brain got any ideas, I decided to compartmentalize that. That could be for future me to figure out. For once, I was anonymous. Sleeping in a bed somewhere else, somewhere alone. Even if that alone was a mental hospital. They didn’t know who I was yet. I had no identifiers on my person, and it’s likely that nobody would think yet that I was a student at Almsworth.

 

I let a smile creep over my face. I was safe, for once. The walls all crashed down inside me. I was alone, safe. Nobody would find me for a little bit. Maybe everyone was asleep, and there’s a bit of time before they’d do routine checks on us. The only concern for me would be if it went too long before anyone came looking, but it was reasonable that, in a hospital, they might take a while to-

 

“Jason Rogers,” The loudspeaker crackled, interrupting me and my wandering mind. A woman’s voice spoke, It sounded a tad deep, but nothing particularly out of the ordinary.

 

“Y-yes?” I awkwardly asked, my given name hitting me like a sack of bricks and smashing the facade of peace that had come over me since I had awakened. I was suddenly aware of the hunger, of every sensation in my body.

 

“You were found last night in the nearby lake. You have been unconscious for fourteen hours.” The voice continued. “While we are thankful that you are safe, your cooperation in this is encouraged. Resistance will lead to punishment.”

 

“What do you mean? Who are you?” I asked, an anxiety washing over my body. My first contact in this place was now starting to change this place in my mind from a safe space to a prison. The girl’s voice seemed firm, yet reluctant. Two contradictory tones, both leading to confusion for me.

 

“That… does not matter at this moment,” she stated. Suddenly the dumbwaiter activated, leading a cereal bar; a banana, and a bottle of water down to me. “Get some food in you, and then we’ll talk.” 

 

I start to roll out of the bed, before realizing how scant my coverings were. While the gown reached to my knees and did a good job in covering every part of my form, I felt unclothed. “I… don’t even have underwear on. Did… a doctor see me naked, or was it not a doctor?” I asked, now wondering what these people actually did to me. An alarm set in. “What did you do to me?”

 

“A doctor did come to see you late last night,” The intercom stated. “You just had routine procedures done, like a blood test. The gown should cover you up just fine, Jason.”

 

“Could you, uh,” I asked calmly, wanting to avoid hearing that name as much as I could, my realization of how terrible I began to feel growing with every mention of it. “Call me Jace?”

 

“Eat your meal and we can talk,” The intercom replied, before shutting off. I shuffled over to the dumbwaiter, noticing my hunger now that I could see food in front of me. I peeled the banana and took a bite. It was bland, but anything in my stomach at the moment would satisfy me at the moment. Water cooled my parched lips, most of the bottle going down in the first swig. I licked my lips, letting the hydration get onto them as best I could. It was like after a run, where my body needed replenishment. 

 

Finishing the banana and leaving the peel on the dumbwaiter, I brought the cereal bar and the remainder of the water to the bench. I, then, neatly folded the quilt up and moved it to the floor, not wanting to get crumbs on it. Unwrapping the bar, noting it was just apple-flavored, I took a bite. It was dry and unappealing, but it was food nonetheless. 

 

As I took a swig of water, the door light flashed green and swung open to the outside. A very tall woman dressed in a white tank-top that hugged and ended at her waist, alongside black jogging pants that rested towards her hips and flared down to white running sneakers. Despite the darkness of the hallway behind her, she seemed wide awake. Her chestnut brown hair was neatly held up in a ponytail, while her face was entirely unadorned with makeup. In her hand, her thumb pressed firmly into it, was some black device of unknown means.

 

“Good afternoon, Jace.” I could hear the annoyance in her voice. “I hope you are well.”

 

“I… think I’m fine. Unless this is really Hell, then I think that I don’t really belong here,” I stammered out, my mind going in a million directions trying to rationalize what I could've done to get in here.

 

“I would not consider this… Hell,” she replied. Up close, I could take her in in her entirety. She seemed calm despite the tone, her eyes turned up at me, even her soft, round nose turned up. She was looking down on me. “I would rather see it as a place of salvation. It is a second chance after what you have done to yourself.”

 

“W-” I tried to speak. A mass welled up in my throat. I could feel my sinuses start to burn, knowing that my emotions would flood out if I wasn’t careful. I tried to speak more, but I couldn’t find the words. Everything just became garbled in my head, the recognition of what I’d tried to do to myself. “Why did you save me?”

 

“Here’s the thing, Jace,” the woman continued. I noticed that her demeanor softened a bit after I asked that question. “You tried to atone for your sins by ending your life. That’s the coward’s way out. You need to atone in life, not in death. God, my girlfriend’s getting to me again. Look, you fucked up royally. Repeatedly. You know how you fucked up. We know how you fucked up. You tried to end your life, to escape everything. The world outside views you as missing, presumed dead. They found your clothing floating in the river, and they’ve presumed your body floated downstream. They found the suicide note you left on your table. You’re either dead from drowning or you’re dead from hypothermia. You don’t exist anymore, except as a corpse in one of England’s many rivers that they’re just yet to find.”

 

“I just…” I felt the tears start flowing, the memories returning, the guilt building up within me. I didn’t want to remember it, but it hurt so much. “I needed to get away. I didn’t feel safe in that environment. I just…”

 

“You’ve verbally assaulted several men and women when they tried to build friendships with you,” the taller woman added. I noticed her grip on the device tightening. “Called them names, called them slurs. Continued to harass them for days until they blocked you. Even if you feel guilt for it, you still did damage to people. Even if you never threw a punch, your words still cut like a knife.”

 

“I just wanted them to go away…” I trailed off. It’s not that people weren’t welcome with me; I just… I needed my space. People were too much; they overwhelmed me very quickly. 

 

“Then tell them that? Ask them if they’d go away?” Her voice seemed exasperated, her nose crinkled, but her voice never seemed to drip with the venom I knew from others around me. “I’m honestly not sure what your problem is. If you’re just a loner, let people know that ahead of time so they don’t have to deal with you. You’ll have a lot of time to think about it.”

 

“That’s not it…” I felt the sorrow continue, but my eyes widened. I felt the negative energy melt into anxiety, infecting every ounce of my spirit. I felt the need to get away from her. “Why…”

 

“You’re just being cruel, Jace. Jason .” I felt my blood turn to ice, felt my heart churning to pump it. The girl turned towards the door. “Alright. You’re looking better, but you’re under monitoring for a few more hours, just to let you rest and get some strength up. Then we’ll brief you on some necessary things and then move you into the general population. We’ll send you a small music player through the dumbwaiter to pass the time.” She pressed her left thumb into the door, and it opened right back up. “If you try to follow, I will tase you, and you’ll go into a cell, okay?”

 

As the door closed, I felt the anxiety intensify. A compulsion wracked over me; my limbs grew shaky, and the tears intensified. I needed to shout. I needed to yell through my desperation. “You bitch! Get the fuck out of here! I don’t need any help!” Deaf ears. Nobody heard me say it. No reaction, except for the dumbwaiter spitting out a little music player and headphones on a small tray that squashed the banana peel leftover from the small breakfast they provided.

 

No relief.

 

I staggered towards the dumbwaiter, retrieved my solace, my way of passing a few hours. I cleared the trash off of the bed, let the wrapper drift lazily towards the floor and the crumbs fall where they may. I grabbed the folded quilt from under the bed; wiped the tears and snot off of my face; covered myself in the blanket, and put the headphones in in a desperate attempt to drown out my feelings.

 

---

 

Leigh

 

I felt the rage pooling within me. I had to gain control. I heard the snivelling idiot’s muffled words travel out the door. His rage, an all-too-familiar outcry, wouldn’t get to me. I continued to breathe. In and out. In and out. A few seconds, and it began to mellow, to course through my body. I could tell I hadn’t gotten to work out yet, and it was all because this fucking idiot decided to take a late night ice bath in the river. 

 

After a moment, I gave a final sigh, shuddered, shook my whole body to loosen it up. I’d been the unlucky bitch to get the red eye shift for him, the last of us four to stay awake for him tonight. Just my luck that we couldn’t divert him, or even to take him in more normally. When several sponsors burst into the hall crying for blankets and medical assistance, I’d been sitting there watching the second years do arts and crafts as a favor to Indira and Christine. I had to prematurely put them to bed so I could help out with any triage I could. This was my charge, the one I put forward as a candidate.

 

Most of Dorley Hall was abuzz for several hours afterwards, all of the recent graduates and third years left with a hope that they could save them like they had Olivia a couple years back, or if this kid would go the way of several other unfortunate souls we couldn’t reach in time, that we already found dead and gone. The cheers from the security room as I stood sentry in the midst of the chaos gave me some cold comfort, but there was no clear answer.

 

“Coffee?” Mary asked as she knocked me out of my stupor. She planted a kiss on my forehead and, before I could react, stunned as I was, she placed a warm cup of coffee in my hands.

 

“Thank you, babe,” I responded, feeling now just how cold I was with the mug warming my fingers. I placed the middle three fingers of my left hand through the loop and got a good look at the words on it. Sisterhood is forged through great adversity. “Always with the safe mugs, I see.”

 

“I never much liked the jokes this place makes,” my girlfriend replied, messy haired from the early morning, a far cry from the fringe and high ponytail I knew her for. “While we’re still here, I hope you don’t mind that I try to fill out the ‘best behaviour’ mug cabinet.”

 

“As long as it’s not a bunch of Bible verses, I don’t think Aunt Bea will mind,” I said, knocking back a sip. This could be a great pre-workout, if Patty isn’t late like usual. “If anything, she might be thankful, especially with the one-woman maelstrom that is Bethany around.”

 

“Oh, she’s not that bad,” Mary retorted, flashing a soft smile that made her lazy eyes and poofy hair even more beautiful. “You’ve just never forgiven her for cracking your egg.”

 

“It’s not that!” I half-shouted, taking care not to be too loud. We were in the hallway for the current intake, which seemed to now be at an even eight, just like ours exactly three years ago. “She’s just so damn bothersome. I don’t know what such a wonderful person like Stephanie sees in her.” I mentally added, If it was about looks, I’d understand, but…

 

“They grew together quickly,” Mary added, before turning to the staircase. “Come on. We should get upstairs. We can be a bit louder up there. I made sure Patty went straight to the security room while you were ‘initiating’ Jace in there.”

 

“How do you-” I stopped for a second, flashing the love of my life a confused glance.

 

“Remember, we were on duty together ,” Mary interrupted, taking a sip of her own steaming cup, an identical copy of mine except for the remnants of some defacement that she definitely took great pains to remove. As we started to head up the concrete steps, she continued. “...and when I said I made sure Patty went straight there, I woke her up ahead of time and advised her that she didn’t want to miss what was about to happen.”

 

“And she listened to you?” I asked, incredulous.

 

“She styles herself as a mousy librarian type, but you know full well that, even from the start, she loves drama,” Mary added, before I could hear a loud, audible slurp come from her. I looked at her, and she flashed me a wry smirk. “God may be watching, but Aunt Bea is not, and I will not play her games at 5 in the morning.”

 

As we got up the steps and entered the first floor of Dorley Hall, I noticed a larger number of people in the main area than usual. Indira looked bleary-eyed, holding a cup that almost certainly had a corny basement pun on it. Diana, ever the early riser, was thumbing through a textbook for one of her classes that day. Her second chance was never wasted, I presume…

 

Mia and Jodie, over in the corner, looked like they hadn’t yet gone to sleep but were about to pass out at the other end of the table, a stack of grey hoodies with cat ears sewn into them sitting between the two girls. It even seemed like Jodie rested atop one of them. I found it kinda adorable, but also disturbing. 

 

Tabby stood at the stove, cooking what smelled like bacon and eggs. Steph and Bethany had passed out in each other's arms, their hair mingled together as they reclined against the wall near the door that Mary and I exited. 

 

“The man of the evening has woken up,” I announced sarcastically to nobody in particular, and quiet cheers erupted from the few conscious souls that were downstairs. Steph stirred at my exclamation, and her eyes met mine. I gave her a smile and a nod, and the shorter girl’s face beamed with happiness. 

 

“Are you ready to be a sponsor, Leigh?” Indira asked, a cheeky grin stretching across her face. “You’ve sealed your own fate.”

 

“Hush, Dira,” I shot back, before taking another sip of probably too hot coffee, feeling my tongue burn a bit as I swallowed.

 

“I’m glad that so many of you decided to be sponsors,” Indira replied. “Means that, for a bit, we can relax staffing needs.”

 

Diana looked up from her textbook, shooting Indira a glare as the other woman returned with that same smile, before silently returning to her text.

 

Mary and I sat down at the table across from the two of them. “I’m sorry to worry everyone,” I said. “I… think this one will be a lot like me. Frustrating as shit, but will unravel given time and stimulus. Probably one of the least threatening, alongside the homeless kid that Holly’s got. I’m not sure, but I think I’ve already found a lever.”

 

“Just don’t let them wash out,” Diana replied softly, her current voice a steep contrast from the meathead that Leigh had started the intake with.

 

“I don’t think this one has a chance of washing out,” Mary said. “Given their file and their behaviour to Leigh, they honestly seemed relieved before Leigh started going to town. They snuggled the blanket I stitched for quite a while and, for what it looked like as I was leaving, he had grabbed the blanket again.”

 

“Honestly, sounds like you, Leigh,” I heard Tabby add nonchalantly, leaving me only to blush in mild embarrassment. “Gripping onto whatever you can to avoid the issue.”

 

“I left him a music player. He’ll live until we can put him into the general population,” I replied nonchalantly.

 

“I think you should, at the very least, debrief him,” Tabby replied. “It can wait until after our workout, but you should go to the security room and activate the intercom. What lever did you find on him, by the way?”

 

“He seems to really hate his given name which, given what we know about him… makes sense,” I said, stopping for a moment. Suddenly, I realised that I intentionally used it in derision. I sighed, placing the coffee cup on the table and putting my head in my hands. “He likes to go by Jace. I think I should debrief him before the workout, if that’s okay, Tabs.”

 

“No probs, Leigh,” Tabby responded, using a spatula to scrape lacey eggs off of a cast iron skillet so she could flip it and let the yolks set. “Any specific reason?”

 

“Got pissed off. Used his given name on him.” I raised my hands up. “Mea culpa. I think I may have deadnamed him in my anger without realising. Multiple times.”

 

“Are you sure we could really call it a deadname right now?” Bethany suddenly piped up. “He seems to respond to it. He’ll just be one of us by the end, regardless.”

 

“Leigh was asked not to use it. I think she mistook it for a lever,” Mary added. 

 

“You’re not the first to deadname an intake,” Tabby said, looking back at the crowd. “When you say this one is ‘like you’, do you think you picked up a free range trans girl this time? I didn’t get a look at this one’s file, but did you pick up another Steph? Another you?”

 

“I think only time will tell,” I said. “My honest view is yes. I don’t think anyone can go through their teens presenting themselves as a woman online without that question coming up.”

 

“So,” Stephanie piped up. The look on her face was one of determined concern. “I implore you to never use that lever under any circumstances. You’re a trans girl. You know what that feels like, right?”

 

“Yeah. I remember trying to find my name with Tabby. Both of us said it, over and over again… I definitely needed a hug or two after we settled on Leigh,” I replied, reminded of the long conversation that led to me finding my name. My mind lingered there for a few moments, those involved in the conversation staring at me, waiting for my response. 

 

“I don’t think I had ever saw you so vulnerable before, and you honestly toughened up quick with a new name,” Tabby replied, before plating up the bacon and eggs and leaving the cast iron off heat. “With every intake, there’s some moments that you can’t pass up, that are so formative in building the relationship that prevents kids like you from washing out. I think you might already be able to have one. Perhaps there’s a healthier lever, or a carrot you can dangle in front of him, that is easier and healthier for the both of you. I’d try pulling that.”

 

I grabbed my cup and took a sip of coffee. Even with a few moments more, and a few choice breaths to dispel the heat, it was just enough to make it more comfortable in my mouth. “Sounds like a good idea,” I said. “I’m not sure if there’s anything… particularly obvious about him at the moment.”

 

“Then have the next conversation,” Stephanie replied. Even curled up in a little blanket with the surprisingly docile Bethany, her attempts to guide the rest of us provided the knack for sponsorship that made her famous in the hall. “How many conversations do you think Tabby had before she had the right opportunities to make you open up? We spent months together, trying to get you to change, and it took Bethany dressing up like a slutty Catholic schoolgirl to force open the eggshell you crafted.”

 

“Yeah,” Bethany added, a grumpy pout to contrast the precious look on Steph’s face. “I tanked my own confidence to try to get a rise out of you, and all I got out of it was Ashleigh Wolf. Who is much harder to rile up.”

 

I stuck out my tongue, trying to keep myself from giggling. “Love ya, Beth,” I said.

 

“Fuck off,” she replied. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mary giggling, and even Diana held back a smirk.

 

“As the highest ranking person still awake,” Indira replied, an understanding look on her face. “I am just going to say to you, Leigh. Go do it, as soon as possible. We’ve all been on his side of the conversation, and some of us have been on both sides.”

 

“But first, Leigh, eat some damn food,” Tabby said, placing two plates on either side of the table. “You’ve been up all night. You seem grouchy. You gave Jace some food, so maybe you should eat before you go see him again, okay?”

 

“Being a big sister, are we?” I said back, sitting down in front of the plate obviously made for me. Mary sat down right next to me, holding me close, her thigh pressed against mine, the heat of her skin a welcome jolt against the atmosphere of the hall. I was suddenly reminded of how brisk it was at that moment, shuddering against her closeness.

 

“Even if I’m not your sponsor anymore, young Leigh,” Tabby sat down on the other end of the table. A wolfish grin stretched across her face. “I can help my little sister. And don’t give me any lip about not being my little sis. Soon, you’ll be a big sister too, and their grandsponsor will be happy to see their progress.” She motioned with her fork towards the basement, and over towards the front door. “Everyone leaves the basement someday.”

 

“That’s a mug idea!” Bethany exclaimed.

 

“God dammit, Beth,” Diana groaned, before putting a bookmark in her textbook and sitting up from the table. “I’m going back to my room to study. I’ll be back down for breakfast. Thanks for the coffee, Mary. Enjoy your girlfriend.”

 

“No problem,” Mary replied before leaning into me. The rest of the girls, even Diana, couldn’t help but smile. “I’m so sleepy. Let me rest on you, Ashleigh.”

 

I couldn’t help but start laughing. “Mary, stoppp!” I exclaimed through my laughter, quickly setting down the cup. “You’ll make me spill my coffee!” 

 

---

 

“Yo, whatcha need?” Patty asked as Mary and I entered the security room, not looking away from the cameras as she played on her phone. At this point, only Jace was awake. As I looked over Patty’s shoulder, I saw the boy still curled up on the table with the quilt around him, his head slowly rocking to the music. He had cooled off a good deal, it seemed.

 

“Just… checking up on my intake. Seeing what he’s like right now,” I replied, feeling the weariness in my voice from both sleep deprivation and my own guilt.

 

“You don’t need to worry too much,” Patty said. “He’s been laying there in the 45 minutes or so that you’ve been gone. I think he’ll be just fine.”

 

“I’m gonna go talk to him,” I said back. “I’ll be grabbing one of the bottles from the fridge. He’d been crying. He needs more fluids. I think Aunt Bea would approve.”

 

“Go ahead.” Patty pointed over to it. “I won’t be stopping you. Honestly, this’ll probably be the most interesting part of my shift.”

 

“You know, Patty,” Mary said from behind the both of us. “You could be a bit more empathetic. You’ll be in our position next year.”

 

“Who says I’ll be the one sponsoring people?” Patty asked. “Maybe I’ll follow in Christine’s footsteps, become an IT specialist or something.”

 

“Be real,” Mary said before I could respond. “Your degree is in Psychology. Maybe you’ll be the Dorley therapist, helping the women here get over their trauma.”

 

“You think I’ll be taking clients from here?” Patty finally turned around, flashing a toothy grin and raising an eyebrow. “You’re the one who should be real. I’m getting my degree and getting out.”

 

“You know, Patty,” I added, giving her the same grin. “You’ll always be a Dorley girl. You can’t escape it, now that you’ve been through the same experience as us.”

 

Patty’s face fell to a more neutral look. “Eh, fuck it, you’re probably right,” she replied, turning back around in her chair to look at the cameras again. “You lot will be guaranteed clients, and if I get good enough, Aunt Bea’s gonna need to pay a premium to have me fix her problems.”

 

“Don’t forget, you’re here forever,” Mary added, prompting Patty and I both to start laughing.

 

“Since when were you a Simpsons fan?” I inquired. 

 

“I’ve seen the memes.”

 

“You two lovebirds, get out of here, okay?” Patty shooed the two of us towards the door with her right hand. “I think that kid out there needs you more than I do right now.”

 

“Fair enough. Mary, you got your taser on you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then let’s go.”

 

---

 

Jace

 

The tears had long since dried up, but I still felt the need to cry. I had put some food into my belly, but I was still filled with an emptiness in my stomach. I knew I was not in some hospital. Perhaps, it was some prison. Maybe I had run into some incredibly young prison guard, pissed off as they were, but they weren’t in uniform. They were just in sweats. A beautiful young guard, whose face was etched with some fury and…

 

I turned up the music. I put it on shuffle, some young female artist singing about empowerment. Seemed peppy, like it was something I should use to prepare for a workout, not to distract myself from the chasm I felt inside me. There really wasn’t a way for me to change the music, so I let it play with what it had.

 

I wondered if they would let me keep the blanket. Let me keep the music player. For whatever they were going to do to me. I’d been left here for a little while, about an album’s worth of time, just to stew on a table that steadily grew less comfortable. Only the blanket, as plush as it was, kept me comfortable. I had wrapped myself into a burrito to keep some cushion between me and the metal, the warmth of the blanket providing some sort of comfort.

 

I inhaled. Exhaled. Even if I knew it wouldn’t provide any comfort from the chasm and the breathlessness that I felt from it expanding inside me, choking me out, swallowing my mind and my lungs and my heart and-

 

The light went green. I fixated my eyes on the door, welcoming the escape from my own thoughts. I saw the first girl walk back inside carrying a taser and a water bottle, but following her, gripping onto the back of her top, was another woman with long, bouncy dirty blonde locks and large, round glasses. This one was dressed in a black t-shirt tucked into her pants; long purple pajama bottoms adorned with stars and moons that affixed tightly to her, and teddy bear slippers that only loosely fit on her feet. I popped out my headphones and quickly sat up, keeping myself wrapped in the blanket. The door slowly whirred shut behind the two of them.

 

“Can we see your hands?” The second girl asked, softly smiling. I nodded, obliging, pulling them out of the blanket, leaving my upper torso unraveled while the rest of me sat snugly inside.

 

“You came back,” I said.

 

“I was always going to.” The first girl asked, tossing me the bottle, which I awkwardly caught, letting it bounce in my hands a couple of times. “Drink this. You’ve cried a lot. There’s people who would be unhappy if I let you get dehydrated like that.” I uncapped it and quickly started guzzling.

 

“You might wanna slow down, Jace,” the second girl replied, reaching out a well-manicured left hand to insinuate for me to stop.

 

I gasped after downing half the bottle, my mouth temporarily coated in liquid to clear out the cotton mouth. “Did she tell you who I was?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

“Alright, my name is Leigh,” the girl I now knew as Leigh said, sighing. “And… I’m sorry. I feel like I disrespected you by referring to you by that other name, Jace.”

 

I nodded, my suspicion melting. “Alright, Leigh. And who are you, might I ask?” I asked again.

 

“My name is Mary. I am Leigh’s…” Mary trailed off, putting a finger to her mouth and looking at Leigh, who nodded. “I am Leigh’s girlfriend.” 

 

“Oh, well, cool,” I said. Not particularly odd to me, but I wondered how her previous experiences were. “Good to meet you, Leigh. Mary.” 

 

“Alright, so… you’re not in a hospital. A couple of our friends, well… they saved you from drowning a bit ago. If you’d like to thank them, just ask and they’ll come and meet you before we move you out of this room.” Leigh looked down, tapping one of her fingers on the other crossed arm. “I’m sorry we couldn’t have done more before you got to that point.”

 

“What do you mean?” I asked. “I never knew you until… this morning?”

 

“Yeah. It’s morning, I’ll give you that much,” Leigh said. “I can’t tell you everything, but… regardless of how you believe your actions have been, Jace, you were deemed to have earned what you’re about to enter in a bit.”

 

“Do you think we should disclose more information to him now, Leigh?” Mary asked, now looking at the taller girl with a bit of incredulity.

 

“Honestly,” I added. “I’m alive when I shouldn’t be. I… am willing to listen to what you have for me.”

 

“So, you know why you’re here?” Mary asked calmly, her soft eyes growing incredibly serious.

 

“Because I tried to drown myself?” I raised an eyebrow. “I’m an exchange student, only been here a month, and I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed here. Might want to throw me a bone here. I guess it might have something to do with what Leigh over here barked at me.”

 

“Please don’t raise your tone,” Leigh replied, her voice soft but firm. Her eyes shot daggers into mine. Her arms began to shake a bit, her brow furling a bit. “Yeah, you’re here because of all of that. But you’re also here because you’re a danger to yourself, and you’re likely to become a danger to others if you aren’t stopped here.”

 

“Leigh, remember, calm,” Mary replied, putting her hand atop Leigh’s crossed arms and squeezing it. I cracked a small smile, seeing love at work there. They seemed good for each other. I watched Leigh, in return, uncross her arms and relax a bit, growing more confident.

 

I felt the chasm begin to return inside of me. These two girls stated I was here for some reason, which led me to believe that I may be in a bit over my head. “I- what do you know about me?” I had to know.

 

“Well,” Leigh started, finally raising a finger up to her chin and looking up to the ceiling. “We know a lot more than you might think. We know a lot about your harassing of others, but a few of those incidents alone would not get you down here. We know you’re hurting. Deeply. We know you need support, and we had good reason to believe that, if we had brought you anywhere else after your attempt, you were going to try again.”

 

I looked down, the last few words cutting into me like a knife. I sunk deeper into the blanket, making myself smaller. “And what if I was going to?” I asked after about thirty seconds of pregnant pause, looking into eyes of genuine concern. “Why would you girls be so concerned?”

 

“I’m not letting my fucking intake die on me,” Leigh replied, snarling. My eyes widened with intrigue and trepidation, my heart skipping a beat. What the hell does she mean by that?  “The moment you stripped off your shirt and plunged into that water, and the girls pulled you out and wrapped your unconscious ass in one of Mary’s blankets and placed you on this damn table and spent hours making sure you were warm, you became my responsibility.”

 

“You guys could’ve just…” I started to lash out, but the fact that Leigh came back meant that my anxiety had nowhere to go. It would not be satisfying. She’d probably not give me a reaction. I tried to stuff it down, the cycle that I got used to, to appease them. It was going to hurt, but what could I do? I looked away, and muttered, “Thank you for the blanket, Mary.”

 

“You can keep it if you want,” Mary piped up. When I looked back at her, the act of kindness not being lost on me, I saw her nod slowly. “I like making these things. I think it can serve as a reminder for why you’re still here on Earth with us. It’ll be a starting point for you, okay?”

 

“You guys said I was dead to the world,” I said, trying to keep the conversation going, to not let the pit inside me take hold again. “Did you really mean it?”

 

“The you that currently exists, yeah, is dead to the world,” Leigh said. “Yeah, there’s the whole ‘dead to the world’ bit, but… to them, they think you actually died. They’ve found your shirt downstream. They’ll probably put a few days, maybe even up to a couple of weeks into searching for you in particular, and then you’ll become a cold case, someone who went into one of England’s rivers and never came out.”

 

“So… will I die here, too?” 

 

Leigh shook her head, obviously bewildered. “That’s a stupid question. Do you think we’d put in all this effort just to kill you? No, you’ll get to leave this place. Eventually. But you won’t leave it as the you that you recognize in the mirror now, okay?” She finally smiled, her shoulders falling down. She was grounding herself, I could tell. “I see bits of myself in you. I hate admitting it like this but… we wouldn’t help if we didn’t believe deeply in the idea that you could be saved.”

 

“Were you… like me, too?” I asked, holding the possibilities close to my chest. It didn’t seem right that either of these two girls were ever like me. Were they also survivors of attempts, maybe also pulled out of it by their friends. This time, I felt a sinking feeling, but of a different kind. Concern for my captors, I guess. Maybe I was heading into Stockholm syndrome, but I wasn’t about to let that override the fact that, maybe, these two girls hurt just like me.

 

“I don’t think I can speak for how Mary here experiences it, but I think I can say with certainty that you remind me a lot of myself,” Leigh added, sighing, looking off into space, perhaps trying to recall her thoughts. “I never actually… went through with any attempts, but I definitely considered it a few times when I was younger. To escape the pain. And I’ve seen too many people around me attempt to avoid a cry for help. I think a lot of the women here would say that they deeply relate to your experience.”

 

I took a dry gulp of air. “Two questions. First, c-can you reveal how much you really know about me?” I stuttered out, feeling the constriction inside me. I gripped the blanket tight, fighting my own insides. Surprisingly, even now, it felt… less powerful than normal. It felt like, with people around, I was starting to be able to actually fight these sensations that dogged me. I had to ask this second question, let it climb out from within the muck. “And… Why me, specifically? You could’ve saved anyone else, so why me?”

 

“For now, just assume we know everything there is out there on you. Your campus files, your internet history, your… behavior in the past,” Leigh replied. “You’re actually getting a… slightly modified debriefing from the regular protocols. Unlike almost everyone else down here, you’re viewed as a slightly different case. The rest of the guys down here would be getting a spiel on toxic masculinity by now, perhaps lashing out. I think you should hear it, too, at some point, but I think our priority right now is making sure that you feel safe. As for the second question…” Leigh trailed off, looking towards Mary, a small silence weighing between the two.

 

“Because you were the one most in need of immediate help from the people that we’ve kept an eye on, Jace,” Mary said. “When we say we know everything, we’ve read your conversations about your family.”

 

I leaned back, a bit away from them, wanting to put myself all the way into the blanket and hide from them. I had further questions about what they just said, but they would wait. They knew of my family. I tried to put my arms back into the blanket.

 

“Remember when I said you were dead to the world, Jace?” Leigh suddenly barked out before I could retreat further. “You’re dead to them, too. And if you’re like me… you’ll stay dead to them. You don’t have to see them again. If anything, it’s better if you don’t.”

 

The realization hit me. For a few brief moments, the sensations, the darkness in my body retreated. I was done with them. I never had to go back to them, if I didn’t want them to know about me. My arms tingled, my back shocked me, I felt equally lighter and heavier than before, as if my soul was detaching from my body. I tried to sit there in silence. I pulled my knees close to my chest, bunching the quilt up around me, forming a ball. I felt tears involuntarily falling again, streaking down my cheeks and pooling, dripping onto the blanket. My breath caught in my throat. I convulsed, feeling my shoulders rise up as I sniffled.

 

Then I cried. Screamed. Howled. ‘Til my voice began to go raw. It was all over. I never had to go back. Phantom pains re-emerged as I thought of what would become dull aches and memories down the line, as I detached further from the person who my mother and father made me into, and became attached to whatever these two women were leading me to be. 

 

And Leigh and Mary clung tight to me, my head on Leigh’s shoulder, Mary whispering what sounded like prayers above me. I never asked for their pity, but I never retreated from their care. My outburst was uncontrollable, chaotic, disjointed and disorganized in a way I wasn’t sure I was capable of. I knew I felt uncharacteristically safe in this room, a place where nobody knew who I was for a little while. Where only these two seemed to know the sort of person I might become, untethered from the path that I walked under deep surveillance at every step.

 

It felt like hours, though it must have only been a few minutes. A song started playing in my head, one that I can remember listening to just a couple of days before. The syncopated beat, like trudging footsteps forward, alone on the pavement… but I wasn’t alone this time. Leigh and Mary were there, to make sure I did not waver, wherever I was going.

 

“Ain’t no angel gonna greet me, it’s just you and me, my friend… and my clothes don’t fit me no more, I walk… a thousand miles just to slip this skin…” I finally started to speak-sing, as the deep-rooted sadness mellowed into a hollow melancholy. My voice shook with every word, ragged and bare, the syllables falling out in a disjointed mess as I tried to collect my senses and return to normal.

 

“You feeling a bit better?” Leigh asked as both her and Mary detached their hugs from me. “What were you trying to sing there?”

 

“Um…” I let out a shallow breath. “S-Streets of Philadelphia. It’s a song by Bruce Springsteen. It’s been a favorite of mine recently.”

 

“I hope you know that you’re not alone in this,” Leigh said, almost like a question to me. I nodded, but to what extent I believed it was unclear. “You’ll have me and Mary. You’ll have Steph and Beth. You’ll have the rest of the sponsors and you’ll eventually have your fellow intake members to support you. You’re already one of us.”

 

Suddenly, four water bottles came down from the dumbwaiter, and Mary walked off to retrieve three of them for us. This time, it was ice cold, the liquid feeling like salvation for an overtaxed body, going down in a single guzzle. I wiped the tears from my eyes, shuddering as I felt the coldness rest within me and begin to slowly be warmed by my body heat. I heard Leigh mutter something about someone named Patty.

 

“I’ve heard that song before,” Mary said. “I’d advise you not to think of yourself like that, okay?”

 

“Alright, I’ll try,” I said. 

 

“Good,” the shorter girl said, smiling.

 

“I think that’s enough for now,” Leigh began, quickly returning to the strict woman my first encounter was so rife with. “The other boys don’t wake up for about forty-five minutes, guaranteed, and they’re not at the point where they can leave their rooms to shower. Soon, you’ll be joining them. You’ll be… giving up a lot of your freedoms for the time being, but I think you’ll reach the salvation you’re looking for with our tutelage.”

“Other boys? And you said this was Dorley Hall? The dorm for underprivileged women?” I asked incredulously. “I’m there right now?”

 

“Yep, you are,” Leigh said, smirking. “You’ll find your shower caddy already prepared for you in the shower room. You’ll be able to clean yourself off, and there will be a fresh set of clothes in your new dorm when you’re done.”

 

“What, do I have to walk around naked to go get them?” The questions kept going off. I needed to know pieces about “Are you going to see me naked?”

 

“Yep. Sorry, Jace, that part of the procedure I can’t change for you. You’re going to lose a lot of your sense of privacy over the next little bit. Plus, I don’t quite trust you just yet. I barely know you. And for as much as I doubt this is the case, you could still be putting on an act to try and get out of here. And if you don’t comply…” Leigh’s hand was already on the holster of her taser. 

 

“You get the zap-zap,” Mary said. “We’ll be kind to you if you stay kind to us, okay? Do you understand and agree? Say “I understand and agree” if you do.”

 

“I don’t think I get much of a choice here?” I chucked a bit, but out of humor or fear, I wasn’t quite sure. 

 

“Nope,” Leigh said.

 

“Then, ‘I understand and agree’.” I put on an intentionally official tone. I couldn’t be fully relaxed knowing that I’d be stripped bare, potentially in view of the women in front of me. I didn't like my body in the presence of others. My breath caught in my throat in the prospect of needing to shower with other boys.

 

“Good,” Mary added, beckoning me to follow her. I felt the blanket get yanked off of me as I got off the metal table.

 

“Hey, I need to wash this, and then I’ll return it to you later today, okay?” She said, smiling. “Remember: Things like this blanket, and like other things we’ll discuss, are privileges. Keep yourself in line, and we won’t need to remove it from your possession. Do you understand? You’ll need to say the same thing for this, okay? It’s… kind of a thing here.”

 

“I understand and agree,” I let escape my lips again.

 

“Good.” Leigh sighed. “Now… I’ll need you to give back the music player I let you borrow. It’s mine, I paid for it with my own money. You’ll get your own sort of media player later, and you’ll be able to watch some shows and listen to music from an approved set of songs.”

 

“Alright… thanks for letting me borrow it, I guess…”

 

“No problem. Welcome to Dorley Hall, Jace, and everything that comes with it. I hope you enjoy your stay.” The sarcasm in Leigh’s voice was apparent, but it only made me chuckle. “If you’re quick enough, you'll be able to see Stephanie and Beth before we release you to the general population.”