I can’t believe it actually happened. This is why I take every chance at fun I get no matter the danger. When it comes to it, everyone’s going to get seriously injured doing something mundane anyways. My friend bumped her head on the door a few years ago, my other friend accidentally burnt his hand while cooking, my other other friend got bumped by a car and hurt her leg. No one gets hurt doing something cool or insane—it’s always something stupid. That which has brought me closest to death, that antique and persistent being that has brought me into this hospital bed, was my staircase. Anyways, when I wake up there’s a super pretty girl staring at me—eye’s glistening. She’s doesn’t seem like a nurse and she very well might not be. My insurance lands me in the budget hospitals—they’re a bit too casual about visitors and the ilk. It’s fun though—keeps the hospital’s energy casual. As a dumb lesbian do, I quickly try to fix my hair and body position and notice an embarrassing amount of drool.

“You’re super cute when you sleep, hun.”

“This isn’t me!” I say as I wipe the drool away. “I’m a stomach sleeper! They did me dirty laying me on my back! No drool when stomach sleeping!”

“Who asked?”

This isn’t fair! I can’t be expected to pull myself together and flirt with strangers on such short notice. She has a smirk which means she should be fun to mess with, but I’d much rather her leave for a bit and come back later when I’m mentally ready.

“So tell me how you got here cutie?”

“I jumped off a cliff and hit my head!”

“Oh, do tell.”

“I was out hiking with my friends and we found a little lake with a cliff and the water was deep enough, so my friend decided to go for it. He climbed to the top, took a peek over the edge, backed up, and than ran and jamp and then splashed. So, I was next and I went and jamped down the-”

“Stairs.”

“Yeah, but my roommate screamed at the last minute and it messed up my jump.”

“You mean your jamp,” she giggled.

“Wait is that what I said earlier. You know what, yeah, I missed my jamp.”

“Yes, you fell down the stairs and hit your head super bad. That’s what your nurse told me anyways,” she giggled. “But don’t worry hun, you’ll get out of here soon and then you can go straight back to practicing your stair jumping. I’m sure
you’ll land it next time.”

I finally took a moment to look around the room. It wasn’t your typical hospital room. There was no white, the bed wasn’t actually a bed—it was just a reclining chair put down all the way. The walls have some age to them. This must’ve been a building for something else long before this hospital repurposed the place. It’s always cheaper to repurpose buildings.

“So, why exactly are you waking up in a hospital bed and deciding that your first course of action is to flirt with and try to impress me?”

“I-”

“Yeah, go on.”

I nervously scratch at my arm and wait for a bit. I’m hoping that she’ll move on from that question, because that was a not fair question at all, in my opinion.

“You look lost when you try to think,” she giggled.

“That wasn’t flirting!” I cover my mouth.

“Well, then who do you think I am? Why am I here at all?”

“You are a random person, probably. If I had a guess anyways.”

“I’m a financial advisor. I don’t see any money to your name as well as any insurance or any family or anything.”

“And why am I seeing a financial advisor before a nurse?”

“This isn’t really a hospital dear. This is more-so a debt-collection agency. A nurse sort of just dropped you at the doorstep with your documents. You owe them quite a bit for making them bring you here, which is why you’re here!”

“Ugh, well, do you know how long I’ve been out?”

“Well, when they got here they said you were out for only a few hours, but you just would not wake up no matter how much I slapped you. It took maybe about, hmm three days?”

I felt my cheek with my hand and noticed that, yes, it did feel bruised. With my focus finally on my body, I notice that my mouth is dry and my stomach is empty. My legs feel like mush and my body is stiff and cold. I still have my pajama shorts and shirt on. All slippers no shoes. I shift my body a bit and I don’t feel my panties on. I feel kind of disgusting.

“Well, anyways lets get you out for your walk.”

“What?”

“Yes, we need to get those legs moving! You’ve gotten so flimsy being all unconscious and cute. Look at you now, sheesh, I’ve spoiled you.”

She paused as she looked at my legs shake when I slowly fumbled my way up. To the sky little legs.

“Yeah, I’ve really spoiled you,” she giggled and looked as my legs shook.

“What?”

“Anyways, we might as well get you some food and water too. Although, I am obligated to notify you that those are not complimentary and will add to your debt.”

“Okay.”

My body felt weak and slow—I’m used to feeling like that to some extent, but not to this extent. She leads my out of the room and into a tight hallway. The lighting isn’t bright fluorescent, which is nice. She leads my hand as we pass a few people, and in the rooms we pass I hear conversations, yelling, crying. I always felt like I’d end up in a building like this at some point in my life, but I always imagined myself walking in to it with an escape plan, full of energy, and ready to flee the planet when they tell me the little big numbers on my credit cards. I take note of the nonexistent fire exits.

We approached a doorway that opened up into a break room. There were only two other pairs of people there, but it was the same scene: one scruffy person with a distraught look on their face, and a well-polished disintrested professional looking scumbag.

"Here we are dummy!"

Her voice carried much more enthusiasm than this room could obviously carry. The two pairs looked pissed at her for being so peppy, and the cafeteria lady lifted her head from her phone and sighed. I felt a tugging at my shirt.

"Do you think you'll get anything?"

"Um, sure. I'm already kind of fucked aren't I. I'll take the most lavish slop they have."

"Well, we don't know that for sure yet, but okay dummy!"

She went up to the cafeteria lady with a smirk, and whispered something. The cafeteria lady nodded and went behind the counter to pick up a plastic container and handed it to her. She opened it, took a cookie out, took a bite of it and started back towards me.

"Let's sit over here!"

I sat down as she sat the plastic container in front of me and took another bite of the cookie. I opened it to discover it was truly the most lavish slop this place had to offer: slop with a wilted basil leaf as garnish. I depressingly took a few bites out of it.

"So, you owe like fifty thousand."

I depressingly took a few more bites and looked off to the side.

"You still look so lost while your thinking."

I look at her while she smiles and pushes a strand of hair off of my face.

"Cute. Do you have any piles of cash you keep hidden?"

I said nothing.

"How much does your job pay?"

I said nothing.

"Do you know anyone you could borrow money from?"

I said nothing.

"So you really don't have any money at all, or a job, or anybody who could lend you money?"

"Yeah," I say as I depressingly eat the last bite of lavish slop.

"Hey don't be so pissy. Here you need this." She put the half eaten cookie up to my face gesturing for me to open my mouth.

"Come on. Take it already."

I depressingly opened my mouth and let her feed me. While chewing she crossed her arms as if in deep thought and suddenly her face brightened.

"Don't worry about fleeing the planet dear. I think I figured out a way to help you."

"What do you mean?"

She pulled out a slip of paper and passed it in front of me.

"There's kind of a super specific and complicated loophole that perfectly matches your situation. This contract will take care of everything. Just sign it."

She put a pen next to the paper. I look at all the text on the paper and decide that it's too much of a bother to read and I quickly sign it and get that scary lawyer bullshit away from me. She smiles and puts it in her pocket folded up.

"Okay! Let's go back to my office to get your things."

We got up and she led me to the door of the cafeteria, opened it, and gestured for me to go first. After walking for a bit I realized I had no clue where I was going and I looked back at her like a lost puppy. She smiled, grabbed my arm, and led me the rest of the way.

I guess it's going to turn out alright without much fuss. Even if that scary lawyer shit comes back to bite me I'll be out of here and much more able to flee. As we're walking back I realize why she's so peppy: life is friggin' awesome. No money no job no worries. It's pretty cool to be honest.

As we head back she stops and looks at a painting on the wall and takes it off. She turns and continues walking.

"What are you doing"

"Just some souvenirs I think I'll take home."

"Won't your boss suspect anything or something? With you carrying out his rich antique painting bullshit to your car or whatever?"

She stopped and looked at me.

"Oh my boss definitely suspects something. This isn't the first thing I've stolen. I'll be getting fired one of these days anyways."

She looked down at the ground depressingly and looked back up at me with a smirk.

“I loved stealing from this job, but it doesn’t matter much anymore, I’m going to make plenty off of you!"

"What?"

"Don't you read contracts when you sign them?"

"What."

"You belong to me now. Legally."

Honestly, I'm not going to pretend I'm disappointing or surprised.

"But is the debt still is taken care of?"

“No silly. I'm inhereting it, but look at all this!"

She gestured towards my body under my neck.

"You’re so photogenic!" She started playing with my arm.

“Sex work??”

“Yes, yes, but don’t worry hun!" She said as she pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and traced my jaw.

"I have your needs in mind: you’re still going to be mine and mine only. I wouldn't send you off to anyone else and have you left without me. I’m only going to be selling pictures of you."

“Wait so. What.”

“Oh come on, just think about it hun!”

After a while she sighs.

“Ugh, you still look so lost when you’re thinking, I think I’ll have to fix that later.”