Chapter V: Ghosts of the Past
Crimson fog choked the air.
Thick and cloying, the coppery stench of blood heavy on my tongue.
I prowled through the haze, senses straining, every fiber of my being alight with predatory hunger.
A flicker of movement up ahead - prey, ripe for the taking.
I lunged, muscles coiling and releasing like springs, propelling me forward with breathtaking speed. The chase was on.
They scattered before me, pale shadows in the murk. But I was relentless, tireless, a creature of pure instinct and savage need. I would run them down, one by one, until the fog ran red with their blood.
The first fell easily, a flash of blonde hair and a choked scream quickly silenced. I tore into yielding flesh, hot blood flooding my maw, the crunch of bone and gristle a symphony in my ears.
More. I needed more. The hunger gnawed at me, insatiable, driving me ever onwards.
Another stumbled, sprawling in the dirt. Wide green eyes stared up at me, a split second of recognition and horror before I fell upon them in a frenzy of rending claws and snapping jaws.
A flash of red - a scarf, fluttering like a banner. I lunged, caught the trailing end between my teeth. A sharp jerk, a muffled cry, and the chase was over, the offering claimed.
One by one, I culled the herd, glutting myself on their fear. But still, I was not sated. An elusive quarry tantalized me, dancing just out of reach. Flitting through the shadows like a ghost, taunting me with its uncanny lack of fear.
Pale blonde hair, eyes like chips of glacial ice. A scent that was at once alien and achingly familiar.
I bared my fangs, a low growl building in my throat as I gathered myself to spring. This one would be mine. I would claim my prize.
I leapt, claws extended, jaws gaping. The world narrowed to a single point, the thrill of imminent victory thrumming through my veins.
But something was wrong. The scent changed, the elusive prey morphing before my eyes.
Blonde hair darkened to auburn, icy blue eyes shifting to horrified green.
That face... Contorted in a rictus of agony and terror, stared back at me from the fog.
"Stop," it croaked, voice bubbling wetly with blood.
"Please...help me..."
I recoiled as if burned, a whine of confusion and distress catching in my throat. I knew that face, that voice. It was...it was...
Anja bolted upright with a strangled gasp, heart jackhammering painfully against her ribs. For a moment, she just sat there, gulping air like she'd been drowning, sweat plastering her hair to her forehead.
A dream. It was just a dream. But it had felt so real, the coppery tang of blood still coating her tongue, the acrid stench of fear heavy in her nostrils.
"A-are you okay?"
Christa's hesitant voice filtered through the lingering haze of sleep and adrenaline. Anja blinked, registering the blonde girl peering at her from the adjacent bunk, cornflower-blue eyes wide with concern.
Anja swallowed hard, trying to find her voice. "Yeah," she managed at last, the word emerging raspy and unconvincing. "I'm fine. Just a nightmare."
"Geez, why did I have to get stuck with a bunch of weirdos?" Ymir groused from above, head poking over the edge of the top bunk. "Some of us are trying to sleep here."
"Huh? Wha's goin' on?" Sasha mumbled, sitting up groggily.
Christa shot Ymir a chiding look before turning back to Anja, brow furrowed. "Are you sure? You sounded really...distressed."
Anja waved her off, trying for a reassuring smile that felt more like a grimace. "Really, I'm okay. Sorry for waking you guys."
Ymir snorted. "Just try to keep it down next time. Beauty sleep is hard to come by around here."
Christa pursed her lips but refrained from scolding her roommate further. Instead, she gave Anja a tiny, encouraging smile before lying back down.
Anja waited until the soft sounds of their breathing evened out once more before swinging her legs over the side of the bed, clammy fingers gripping the edge of the mattress as she tried to center herself.
It was always the same dreams. The blood, the screams, the all-consuming hunger that threatened to drag her down into madness. And the face at the end, accusing and agonized. Her face.
Anja shook her head sharply, trying to dislodge the morbid thoughts. She couldn't afford to dwell on it, not with the grueling demands of each new day to contend with. She had to be strong, focused. She had to survive.
Splashing some tepid water on her face from the chipped basin in the corner, Anja forced herself through the motions of getting dressed, fingers fumbling slightly with the many straps and buckles of her uniform.
By the time she made it to the mess hall, the nightmare had receded to a dull throb at the back of her skull, the details already beginning to fade. Just one more ghost to add to the collection that haunted her, waking and sleeping.
She collected her meager rations and slid onto the bench beside Eren, "Morning." He mumbled a greeting. On her other side, Mikasa regarded her with a silent nod.
"More of them left last night," Eren said around a mouthful of porridge, jerking his chin towards a cluster of empty spots at the other end of the table. "Heard Gustav and Lana talking about it. Apparently the instructors found their bunks cleared out this morning. Damned cowards."
"Can you blame them?" Marco asked from across the table, his boyish face troubled. "This life...it's not for everyone."
Jean snorted, jabbing his spoon at the freckled boy. "Careful, Bodt. You're starting to sound like one of those 'cowards'."
"Shut it, horseface," Eren snapped, green eyes flashing. "Marco's got more courage in his pinky finger than you have in your whole body."
"Why don't you come over here and say that again?" Jean snarled, half-rising from his seat.
"Enough, both of you," Mikasa interjected, her quiet voice laced with steel. She forced Eren back down with a hand on his shoulder, shooting Jean a quelling glare.
Anja just rolled her eyes, they were at it again, she was too tired to even feign interest in their posturing. She focused on forcing down her flavorless porridge, trying not to gag on the pasty texture.
"Hey guys," Connie said, interrupting the staring match as he plopped down next to Jean with a loaded tray. "You think Shadis will ease up on us today, what with the weather and all?"
"Not a chance," Eren muttered darkly, tearing into a hard biscuit with more force than necessary. "That sadistic prick lives to make us suffer."
" Aw, c' mon, a little rain never hurt anyone! " Reiner's booming voice cut through the dull roar of the mess hall as he approached their table, Bertholdt a looming shadow at his shoulder. The blond mountain of a boy grinned as he clapped Eren heartily on the back, nearly sending him face-first into his bowl. "Adds character! Put some hair on your chest!"
" Easy for you to say, " Connie grumbled, poking listlessly at the slop on his plate. "I swear, sometimes I think you're not entirely human, Braun."
Reiner just laughed, a great, booming sound that drew eyes from nearby tables. Beside him, Bertholdt shifted uncomfortably, pale green eyes darting around as if expecting a reprimand for the disruption.
Anja watched them through her lashes, an odd feeling niggling at the back of her mind. There was something about those two, some subtle wrongness that set her teeth on edge. The way Reiner could flip from jovial to stone-cold serious on a dime, the watchful, almost hunted look in Bertholdt's eyes when he thought no one was looking...
She was pulled from her musings by a flash of familiar blonde hair in her peripheral vision. Her gaze snagged on Annie, sitting alone at the end of a nearby table. The other girl was methodically working her way through her own bowl of porridge, seemingly oblivious to the conversations and laughter around her.
As if sensing Anja's stare, Annie looked up, their eyes locking across the crowded room. For a moment, they just regarded each other, a wealth of unanswered questions stretching between them.
Then Annie looked away, expression utterly closed off, and the moment shattered. Anja felt a dull pang in her chest, an ache that had become all too familiar in the weeks since Annie's reappearance, they hadn't even spoken yet.
Anger welled up, hot and bitter on the back of her tongue. How dare Annie just sit there, cool as you please, as if the past year had never happened? As if she hadn't vanished without a trace, leaving Anja to wonder and worry and grieve for her lost friend?
The sudden screech of a bench being pushed back jolted Anja from her angry spiral. She glanced over to see Armin rising unsteadily to his feet, face pinched and pale.
" Armin? " Eren's brows furrowed in concern. "You okay?"
The blond boy waved him off with a shaky smile. "Fine. Just...just a little tired. I think I'll head out early, try to clear my head before drills."
He beat a hasty retreat, almost tripping over his own feet in his hurry to escape. Anja frowned after him, an uneasy feeling coiling in her gut. Armin had always been the most sensitive of their group, the most prone to overthinking and anxiety. It wasn't unusual for him to need a moment to gather himself, especially after the rough weeks of training they had endured...
She pushed the thought aside as Shadis's bellow rang out across the mess hall, the familiar call to muster that never failed to fill her with a mix of dread and weary resignation.
"Cadets! Fall in and form up in the yard! Move it!"
Anja sighed, shoving away her half-eaten breakfast and standing with the rest of the 104th. No rest for the wicked, as the saying went. And in the eyes of their fearsome commandant, they were all as wicked as they came.
They assembled under a sullen grey sky, rain dripping from the brim of Shadis's campaign cover as he paced before them. His eyes were flinty, his expression promising a world of pain as he surveyed the shivering cadets.
"Listen up, maggots!" he roared over the drumming of the rain, voice cracking like a whip. "Today's little jaunt is gonna separate the soldiers from the shit-stains. You've got ten hours to make it to the checkpoint on the far side of the forest and back."
A ripple of unease passed through the ranks at this pronouncement. Ten hours, through unfamiliar terrain, in this miserable weather? It seemed an impossible task.
"You fall behind, you'll be running laps around the compound until you puke. You don't make it back before nightfall, you'll be digging latrines with your bare hands for the next month. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir!" the cadets chorused, voices thin and strained with cold.
Shadis nodded sharply, a cruel smile briefly flashing across his severe features. "Good. Now move out, double time! I'll be watching."
With that, he swung astride his waiting horse and set off at a punishing pace, clearly expecting them to keep up on foot. Anja suppressed a groan, already feeling the first twinges of protest in her muscles.
Beside her, Armin had gone a delicate shade of green, his breathing quick and shallow. Anja reached out instinctively, brushing her fingers against his elbow in a subtle gesture of comfort.
"Steady on," she murmured, pitching her voice low so only he could hear. "We'll get through this together. Just like always."
Armin shot her a grateful look, some of the tension easing from his thin shoulders. Ahead of them, Eren and Mikasa set the pace, their strides smooth and synchronized as they began to pull ahead of the pack.
The first few miles passed in a blur of misery, the rain driving against their faces like icy needles, turning the ground to a morass of sucking mud that dragged at their boots with every squelching step. Anja's lungs burned, her thighs aching with the strain of pushing herself onward.
Slowly but surely, the group began to fracture, the weaker and less determined falling behind. Anja gritted her teeth and forced herself to keep going, Armin and the others arrayed around her like a phalanx.
At some point, Reiner fell back to join them, his broad face ruddy with exertion beneath the sheen of rain.
"Doing alright there, Arlert?" he puffed, eyes crinkling in a strained approximation of his usual easy grin. "Lookin' a little peaky."
"I'm fine," Armin gasped, visibly struggling to keep pace. His clothes clung to his slight frame, plastered to his skin by the relentless downpour.
Reiner frowned, a rare look of concern briefly replacing his jovial mask. "Don't push yourself too hard," he cautioned, clapping a meaty hand on the smaller boy's shoulder. "Slow and steady, yeah?"
Armin just shook his head stubbornly, blond hair darkened to a dull brass by the rain.
" I can do this, " he insisted through chattering teeth. "I have to."
Anja and Reiner exchanged a look over his head, worry and grudging respect mingling in their gazes. They both knew how much Armin had to prove, to himself most of all. He had always been the brains of their operation, the strategist and the scholar. But out here, in the mud, the sweat and the teeth-gritting slog of endurance, he was determined to show that he was just as capable as any of them.
The hours crawled by with agonizing slowness, marked only by the steady rhythm of their panting breaths and the squelch of their boots in the mud. The checkpoints Shadis had described were few and far between, little more than faded strips of cloth tied to the gnarled boughs of trees, fluttering forlornly in the gusting wind.
Anja felt her grip on time start to slip, exhaustion blurring the edges of her perception. Had it been six hours since they set out, or eight? How far had they come, how much further did they have to go?
At some point, she registered dimly that Armin was no longer beside her, his familiar head of blond hair lost amidst the laboring bodies of the other cadets. A surge of alarm jolted through her, momentarily clearing the fog of fatigue from her mind.
"Armin?" she called, craning her neck to try to catch a glimpse of him. "Armin!"
But there was no response, the pounding of the rain and the rasp of heaving lungs swallowing her voice. A sinking feeling settled in Anja's gut even as she redoubled her pace, trying to push her way back through the pack to where she had last seen him.
A flash of movement in the corner of her eye, a glimpse of sodden blond hair - there! Armin had fallen behind, his slight form crumpled at the base of a towering oak, his uniform covered in mud. Even from a distance, Anja could see the way his narrow chest heaved, his skin ashen beneath the sheen of rain and sweat.
She didn't even hesitate, peeling away from the main group and hurrying to his side. He looked up at her approach, blue eyes glassy and unfocused.
"Anja," he slurred, struggling to push himself upright with trembling arms. "I'm sorry, I can't...I can't..."
"Yes, you can," Anja insisted, hauling him to his feet with a grunt of effort. She slung his arm over her shoulders, taking some of his weight as she started forward again. "We're almost there, Armin. Just a little further."
She had no idea if that was true, the endless expanse of trees and rain blurring into a featureless mass around them. But she infused her voice with every ounce of certainty she could muster, willing him to believe it.
Armin stumbled along beside her, his breaths coming in short, sharp gasps. Anja gritted her teeth and pressed on, every muscle screaming in protest as she half-carried, half-dragged him through the sucking mud.
"Arlert!" Shadis's bellow cut through the drone of the rain like a knife, making them both flinch. The commandant loomed out of the gloom, his horse dancing in agitation as he bore down on them. "On your feet, maggot! And you cadet, what the hell do you think you are doing?!"
"He's exhausted, sir," Anja panted, meeting Shadis's gimlet stare with a defiant tilt of her chin. "I won't leave him behind."
Shadis's eyes narrowed, his lips peeling back from his teeth in a snarl. For a moment, Anja was certain he would order her to abandon Armin to the elements, to leave him retching in the mud while she pressed on.
But to her shock, he simply jerked his head in a curt nod, something almost like approval flashing in the depths of his cold gaze.
"Then you'd better step lively, Wolf," he growled, spurring his horse back to the head of the column. "Double time!"
Anja blinked sweat and rain from her eyes, hardly daring to believe their reprieve. Beside her, Armin made a small, pained sound, his head lolling against her shoulder.
"Come on," she urged, readjusting her grip on his waist. "One foot in front of the other, yeah? We can do this."
And so they did, staggering on through the downpour until at last, blessedly, the dark smudge of the compound's walls came into view through the sheeting rain. Anja nearly wept at the sight, relief and exhaustion warring for dominance in her chest.
They stumbled across the finish line a full hour after the rest of the cadets, Armin a dead weight in Anja's aching arms. She lowered him carefully to the ground, before allowing herself to collapse next to him against a tree trunk, every muscle quivering with exhaustion. Her feet felt like pulped meat inside her boots, blisters rubbing agonizingly with each small movement.
Around them, the others were in similar states of collapse, sprawled in the mud like the casualties of some great battle. Even Mikasa looked winded, her usually stoic face pinched and drawn. Beside her, Eren cursed under his breath as he massaged a vicious cramp in his calf.
Anja just closed her eyes, letting the rain sluice over her upturned face. They had made it. Battered, shaken, but unbroken.
She cuffed Armin lightly on the shoulder. "Don't scare me like that again, yeah?"
Armin huffed a laugh, even as he rubbed his shoulder. "I'll try to restrain myself from faceplanting in the future. And Anja... thanks. For not leaving me."
She just bumped shoulders with him companionably. "Anytime." They stayed there for a moment, then she pushed to her feet with a groan, suddenly feeling every one of her aching muscles. "Come on, we should get some food before Sasha scarfs it all."
After the grueling hike, dinner in the mess hall was a subdued affair, everyone too tired to do more than shovel down food and stagger off to their bunks.
Armin, too exhausted, merely took a bun of bread and headed straight back to the barracks.
As Anja collected her food, she soon found herself wedged between Conny and Sasha, the latter devoured her food with gusto. "Mmf, heyyy, Anya!" The brunette mumbled around a truly prodigious mouthful of bread. "Fff'you're not gonna eat 'at, can I...?"
Anja had barely tasted her stew, fatigue rendering everything dull and flavorless, she just shoved it into Sasha's waiting hands. The other girl made a noise of delight and attacked it, all but licking the bowl clean.
"Sasha, I swear you're going to choke yourself one of these days," Connie said mildly from across the table, not even bothering to look up, immersed shuffling a deck of colorful cards.
Sasha just shrugged cheerfully, already eyeing up Anja's untouched bread roll hopefully. Anja sighed and handed it over, privately wondering where the bottomless pit that was Sasha's stomach even put it all. Anja just shook her head, torn between amusement and disgust. That girl's stomach was a mystery for the ages. She supported herself with one arm on the table, struggling not to fall asleep.
"You look like shit, Wolf."
Anja cracked an eye open to see Ymir smirking down at her, an uncharacteristically concerned Christa hovering at her elbow. The two were polar opposites in every way - Ymir with her sharp tongue and devil-may-care attitude, Christa with her endless compassion and angelic aura.
With an effort, Anja dredged up a tired grin. "Speak for yourself, freckles. I'm the pinnacle of grace and beauty, even on my worst days."
Ymir snorted, crossing her arms. "In your dreams maybe. Seriously, the hell were you thinking, hauling Arlert's scrawny ass all that way? You trying to earn yourself a one-way ticket to Shadis's shitlist? I thought you were smarter than that."
Christa made a distressed noise, laying a quelling hand on Ymir's arm. "Don't be cruel! I think it was incredibly brave, what Anja did. Armin's lucky to have a friend like her."
Anja bit back a smile. Sometimes Christa seemed so unrelentingly sweet and pure that Anja half suspected she shit rainbows and sunshine. It was a miracle Ymir's teeth hadn't rotted out from prolonged exposure.
Pushing herself upright with a wince, Anja shrugged. "Armin's tougher than he looks. He's got more guts than most of the meatheads here, present company excluded of course." She shot Ymir a cheeky wink. "Besides, in my experience, you don't leave friends behind. No matter what."
Ymir rolled her eyes, but there was a flicker of something like respect in her gaze. "Spoken like a true hero," she drawled, but the sarcasm lacked its usual bite. "Careful, Wolf. Keep that up and you'll have your own little cult of personality forming. Might even give Jaeger a run for his money in the martyr wannabe department."
Christa just smiled, giving Anja's shoulder a gentle squeeze before tugging Ymir away, murmuring something about letting her rest. Probably off to braid each other's hair and whisper sweet nothings, Anja mused wryly.
As she watched them go, she felt a sudden pang of loneliness. The mess hall seemed too loud, too crowded, the press of bodies and chatter of voices grating on her raw nerves.
She found herself slipping out into the cool evening air almost without conscious thought, her feet carrying her towards the relative peace of the barracks, already dreaming of dropping on her bed. She passed past the training course in a haze.
The field was deserted at this hour, the titan training dummies like monsters lurking in the dark. Anja picked her way through the obstacles, the familiar terrain soothing in its emptiness.
She was so lost in her own exhausted daze that she almost didn't see the familiar figure leaning against the trunk of a gnarled oak at the edge of the field. But then a glint of pale blonde hair caught her eye and Anja stopped dead, her heart suddenly pounding against her ribs.
For a moment, Anja was seized by the urge to just keep walking, to brush past the other girl as if she hadn't seen her. After all, Annie had been avoiding Anja for weeks, never so much as glancing her way during drills or in the mess hall.
But something - maybe the exhaustion, maybe the lingering adrenaline from training, maybe just the raw, anger - made Anja change course. Her feet carried her towards the tree almost of their own volition, until she was standing just a few paces from Annie.
"Annie."
The blonde girl glanced up, her expression perfectly blank, a single eyebrow slightly raised up in question. "Anja."
Anja took a deep breath, trying to control the storm of emotions raging in her chest. "We need to talk."
Annie's ice-blue eyes narrowed fractionally. "About what?"
She scoffed. "About you disappearing without a word and then showing up here like nothing happened. I think I deserve an explanation."
Something flickered in Annie's gaze, gone too quick to decipher. She pushed off from the tree, squaring her shoulders. "Trost was a long time ago. Things change."
Anja laughed, the sound harsh and bitter. "Yeah, clearly. But I thought our friendship meant something, Annie. I thought I meant something to you."
"You did," Annie said, her voice cool and even. "But I had my reasons for leaving. It wasn't personal."
Anger flared hot and bright in Anja's chest, mingling with the sting of betrayal. "It felt pretty damn personal to me. I trusted you, Annie. I thought we had each other's backs. But you just left, without a word, without a goodbye. Do you have any idea how that felt? I even thought you died!"
Annie's jaw tightened, her gaze cutting away. "I did what I had to do. It wasn't about you."
"Bullshit," Anja snapped, her hands clenching into fists at her sides. "If it wasn't about me, you would've told me. You would've trusted me enough to say goodbye. But instead, you just vanished, like our friendship was nothing. Like I was nothing."
Annie was silent for a long moment, her expression unreadable. When she finally spoke, her voice was low and tight, almost pained. "You weren't nothing. But I couldn't... I can't be what you want me to be, Anja. Not then, and not now."
Anja stared at her, anger and hurt warring with a desperate need to understand. "And what is it you think I want you to be? I just wanted you to be my friend, Annie. I wanted you to trust me, like I trusted you."
Annie's eyes flashed, something raw and ragged lurking in their depths. "Trust is a luxury I can't afford. Not in this world. Not with..." She trailed off, her jaw clenching as if biting back words.
Anja shook her head, frustration and sorrow rising in her throat. "Fine. Keep your damned secrets. But don't expect me to act like I don't even know you and pretend that everything's fine between us."
She turned to go, her heart heavy and aching in her chest. But before she'd taken more than a few steps, Annie's voice stopped her.
"Wait."
Anja paused, glancing back over her shoulder. Annie was watching her, an odd expression on her face. It was gone in an instant, replaced by her usual cool mask.
"We can't be friends," Annie said, the words coming out clipped and precise. "But... I made you a promise, back in Trost. That I'd teach you how to fight. If you're still interested..."
Anja blinked, taken aback by the offer. It wasn't an apology, not even close. But it was something, a tiny crack in Annie's iron-clad defenses.
She considered for a moment, pride warring with the need for any scrap of connection with her old friend. In the end, the latter won out.
"Alright," Anja said, lifting her chin. "I'll take you up on that. But don't think this changes anything between us."
Annie's lips twitched, something that might have been amusement or respect flashing in her eyes. "Meet me here tomorrow after drills. And don't be late."
With that, she turned and strode away, leaving Anja staring after her with a mix of frustration and cautious anticipation simmering in her gut.
It wasn't the resolution she'd hoped for part of her regretted even taking that offer. But it was something, a tentative truce in the midst of the cold war that had sprung up between them.
A part of her that looked at Annie and saw not just the cold, aloof exterior, but the glimpses of something else that had drawn Anja to her in the first place, something she couldn't quite put into words.
She would find a way to reach that girl again, to understand the choices she'd made and the secrets she kept. And if the only way to do that was through bruises and sore muscles and the unforgiving language of combat... so be it.
Anja had never been one to back down from a challenge. And Annie Leonhart sure was one.
One she fully intended to meet head-on, no matter the cost.
