"FOR FUCK SAKE WHERE THE FUCK THE HUMIES AT" Jackson screamed after 2 weeks of waiting had gotten to him driving him mad and watching paint dry would have been better then this shit
{Master please calm yourself I know at this is eating you alive but please it may take a month for the Surfacers speaking of}
[Intruders at the Entrance]
"Yes disarm the traps before the first room so that we can cut of their retreat"
{Yes Master traps till first room are disarmed and can be rearmed at your command now lets watch them}
Jackson Pov moves to where 5 relatively poorly equipped compared to his Hastati
'1 archer, 2 sword and shield, 1 spear and shield and 1 great axe, looks poor the axe man can kill his Principes with easily'
{So Master first to die I'm looking at the spearmen at the campsite}
"mmm Agreed but I want to have fun but why can't, I understand them I can see them talking but I can't hear jack shit?"
{You haven't killed or captured any being of this world yet fair enough}
"ok then <snaps fingers> HAHA"
Jackson started Laughing because when he snapped his fingers the man with the Great Axe's right leg fell into a Punji sticks piercing his foot
*POV change to the archer (Jessie)*
Jessie was hired by a party that didn't have an archer and were apparently had found a new Dungeon 'my ass' she thought but now standing in front of it's entrance she had shut up
"well you 4 were right this is a Dungeon is young maybe 2-3 weeks old"
"Told you Jessie but now lets go in" the rest of the party followed that meat head with the Great axe Jessie followed with slower pace then the rest
Jessie ignored this party chatter she was listening to the 'wind' aka to hear if the Core can talk and if how well?
Jessie heard bits and pierces (I don't hear.... killed or captured....ok then) 'was that 2 voices!? this is wrong' Jessie's mind was thrown off when a Scream interpose its self in her mind she saw the idiot with leg in a pitfall "what are you screaming for?" she ask
"MY FOOT FUCKEN STABBED" Great axe replied "god I need to learn names" Jessie said to herself
"Look other peop-" was all the Spearman got out before a pilum hit his chest and 3 more coming,
2 hitting one of the Swordsmen #1 one pinned his shield to him and the next went through his shield into his chest
the 3rd only hitting the other shield but with it in the shield and being unable to move around with the pilum allowing a short sword to open his neck next thing Jessie saw was being punched nocking her out cold
*back to Jackson*
"Well shit that went so fucken well"
{Congratulations Master on your first Dungeon Raiders and dealing with them you seem to enjoyed yourself}
"Well yes fine I like seeing people being hurt and myself" moments of weird silence "so why did you want me to capture her and drag her to my Core room?"
{This}
[Do you want to Enslave Jessie Lacks]
"One that's a dumb last name and what Enslavement?"
{Yes Dungeons can make Contracts with mortals but your Special Core that allows Enslavement so, do you want to Enslave Jessie lacks?}
'You know what I am a fucking Dungeon I just watch 3 dudes get skewed and stabbed and I enjoyed it, no FUCK modern morals' "yes"
[Jessie lacks is now your slave you may give her 'Rules and Punishments']
nice.
...While I like the concept, and I also like what you have so far, your current format is kinda hard to read, but I hope you keep up with this, I shall root for your success and continued improvement.
tips for formatting
@Royal_Jeager Hmm, give me a sec gonna check a different novel for some reference, while i'm doing that, question about tanya, is she physical? and if so in what way? Cause that girl seemed to have heard her, so that takes out the option of the voice being in his head. *Ps sorry if this was mentioned my memory is really bad*
@Ata_ no should mention she is just the system or smart AI with not real body similar to Gervis for Iron man she just 'live' to make the Role Jackson is in understandable for a human mind aka a information filter in the way that removes what is not important to Jackson
so Jessie hearing Tanya talking to Jackson would be the same if Gervis was talking to the Avengers
Ok I'm back, so for starters from what I got from my reference you should separate the lines better, to illustrate I will change one of your blocks to a easier to read format.
'well sh*t that went so f*cken well' {congratulations Master on your first Dungeon Raiders and dealing them you enjoyed yourself} "well yes fine I like seeing people being hurt and myself" moments of weird silence "so why did you want me to capture her and drag her to my core room?" {this} {do you want to Enslave Jessie lacks} "one that's a dumb last name and what Enslavement?" {yes Dungeons can make Contracts with mortals but your Special Core that allows Enslavement so, do you want to Enslave Jessie lacks} 'you know what I am a f*cking Dungeon I just watch 3 dudes get skewed and stabbed and I enjoyed it, no f*ck modern morals' "yes" {Jessie lacks is now your slave you may give her 'rules and Punishments'
change that to...
"Well sh*t that went, so f*ckin well"
{Congratulations Master on your first Dungeon Raiders and dealing them you enjoyed yourself}*This sounds funky grammar wise but I'm not sure how to change it*
"Well yes fine I like seeing people being hurt and myself" *Not sure what whats being said here*
Awkward silence
"So why did you want me to capture her and drag her to the core room?"
{This}
[Do you want to Enslave Jessie lacks] *Changed this since it seemed to be different from Tanya's speaking*
"One that's a dumb last name, and what do you mean by Enslavement?"
{Dungeons can make Contracts with mortals, but your Special Core allows Enslavement, so do you want to [Enslave] Jessie lacks?}
'you know what I am f*cking Dungeon I just watch 3 dudes get skewed and stabbed and I enjoyed it, no f*ck modern morals' *Not sure how to fix this sentence*
"yes"
[Jessie lacks is now your slave you may give her 'rules and Punishments']
This is the kinda format that I've seen most others in scribble hub use which seems to work I also cleaned up a few of the lines to sound a bit better
Ah ok
@Ata_ okay so just space it out like in my 40k story
mate thanks
@Royal_Jeager Yea, cause otherwise the commentary can get kinda clunked up which makes it hard to understand *at least for me personally* Other than that you have a lot of text error or sentence errors that are a little confusing but those are manageable, those if they aren't to bad I can fix in my head as I read though it's preferable if there aren't any errors, but I don't care to much about them. I'm pretty lenient on errors since I've had to read machine translated novels which takes a lot of guesswork to figure out what i'm reading. Anyways I hoped that helps. Oh ps, capitalize your sentences, its not grammatically incorrect otherwise, same for titles for chapters. ppps I'm not a professional so I can only help with so much