I feel the pain of existence . . .
Like a crushing weight sitting on my organs . . .
Existence is meaningless . . .
But I want to believe that life is not . . .
If I lived, would it be worth . . .
Would I struggle till a meaningless death or would I die knowing my life was worthwhile?
In my youth I want to die . . .
Will age reinforce my thoughts or will it reveal reasons to live . . .
I do not know, but I do know that I wish it would end . . .
In life or death, I simply wish for comfort . . .
Whether all my struggles vanish or I gain the ability to deal with them . . .
Until that day, I will toil in my anxiety every waking hour . . .
Unable to rest or relax due to my inability to make decisions confidently and boldly.
Existence is pain, I simply wish that it wasn't.
This is probably my most emotional poem yet, though I doubt any of you could tell. I am an amateur writer, so I do not think I am capable of making my true feelings known. If anybody with training or who has experience could offer advice I would appreciate it. I am always wanting to learn, so please give unto me your knowledge.
Not much of a poem, so I put it below the A.N. - I am nineteen years old, I am working a full time job, and I plan to go to some form of higher learning soon. However, I have been feeling depressed lately. I feel like my life is pointless. I have no friends and my family feels more and more estranged.
I don't understand why I would want to continue existing. So that I can live another 80 years of a stressful life? Deal with misery and pain, and hopefully a little good? Then finally die a meaningless death that will affect barely anybody? When I was younger I dreamed of having a wife and children, as well as a job I love. However, reality hit me, and I realized that those were naive and unrealistic fantasies. I am fat, lazy, and dumb. No woman would want me, and I doubt I will land a decent job in this day and age.
Things I used to enjoy are becoming harder to focus one, while things that make me feel excited are few and far between, or are problematic (no drugs, or anything like that). Everyday for years I have thought of dying, however it has become more common this year. I don't want to actually commit, because it could cause a financial backlash to my family. However I think about dying from outside causes. Multiple times a day, I think about a car t-boning me, or some psycho shooting me, or even an itty bitty meteorite hitting me right between my brows.
As I mentioned before, I have no friends. I suppose I count my bearable co-workers as friends, but we aren't close. My family is also not an option for talking. We have been arguing more and more often. If I did mention something like this to my parents, it would be overly dramatic and probably stray from the topic that needed to be discussed. I have talked to my brother and sister-in-law however, we meet a few times a month at most, and they have their own problems.
The more I think, the more I just think that existence is pointless. I try to see positives. However, every time I feel some hope, it is drowned. Whether it be my parents, co-workers, or even myself. Something always makes these thoughts of death come back.
Honestly, I have always been an apathetic person, to the point I have been called a sociopath multiple times. I have never been able to express most of my feelings. I feel they are a weakness, sadness and depression. Others, like anger, I keep suppressed because it would cause trouble for me. I just cried for the first time since I was eleven a week ago. While I haven't had an angry blow up at a non-family member in many years.
I don't know how to deal with the depression I have been feeling. I feel that it is weak and dramatic, on the other hand, I can't stop feeling them. Everyday I think that I am an idiot, or weak, or unloved, or useless, or lazy, or worthless, or useless. I have tried various coping mechanisms: meditation, positive affirmations, and finally I am trying to vent over the internet.
However, these feelings come back. I want to die a comfortable, lonely death as soon as possible without resorting to suicide.
